Burt Gummer’s Rec Room Summer 2010

A gathering place for firearms enthusiasts, paranoid survivalists and those who worship at the Church of Chang.

Disclaimer: This is the part of the Church that is the most no holds barred. None of it is intended with malice, and although it can on occasion seem a little bit fraught, it is banter rather than venom.

It’s the Summer, temperatures are rising, and there’s a big fucking worm coming through the wall. Luckily, there’s an Elephant gun to hand, and we’ve got no qualms about using it. Welcome to Perfection, Graboid.

 

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4,145 responses to “Burt Gummer’s Rec Room Summer 2010”

  1. just pillow talk says :

    So our hero king barbarian is seen in the distance in the woods, crounches down at a stream to get a drink. Off in the distance is some, er bad guy in a mask, bouncing around ready to stir trouble with our hero.

    Our hero senses something…until…the bad guy jumps up from behind a bush no more than five feet behind our barbarian king…

    The battle ensues! (between two guys who clearly have never held a sword before)

    After this epic battle, our hero manages to get a scratch on the bad guy’s belly, pins him down, and…takes his mask and lets him go. What. The. Fuck.

    Cut to a chick wearing jingling stuff around her boobs, and then back to our barbarian king who decides to put on the bad guy’s mask and have some fun with that chick. (not sure how he knows she’s right there, unless they were walking together and he decided to leave her in the dust for some strange reason)

    He finally ‘surprises’ her, and they swing their swords at each other for a bit, before he disarms her and reveals who he really is. That’s her wife! Brilliant! She’s really not that pissed off, surprisenly. Then there some “deep” dialogue between these two thespians “I fear for our people. There’s evil in this woods.” Sure was funny that your hubby pretended to be some of that evil just before, huh?

    TIME BARBARIANS

    There is some nice booby shots before he time travels to L.A. to pursue the main bad guy. There’s stuff about getting back the amulet, blah-blah.

    Oh, and our “hero” ends up being a big pussy when he and his friend gets surrounded by some bad guys. I think he got struck by something, which made him queezy so he decided to stay on the ground while his friend took on 3 guys at once. It didn’t end well for his friend.

    • Jarv says :

      That sounds woeful. Like a cut price rip off of DEATHSTALKER!

      • just pillow talk says :

        Yeah, it’s pretty bad. There’s not one redeeming performance in the whole movie.

        And how could I forget…the main bad guy had his hand cut off by king barbarian’s chick. Luckily our “hero” stumbles across it and ties it to his belt. Why might you ask? So that he can travel in time with it and then use it to slap both the bad guys in L.A. with said hand.

      • Jarv says :

        Is it entertainingly rubbish, because at the moment it sounds like a shittier version of Beastmaster 2.

      • just pillow talk says :

        It’s borderline.

        Sure, there are moments that you laugh because they are downright awful, but when they are in L.A., it loses some entertainment value. Plus the reporter he rescues and then proceeds to bed, does not whip them out.

        Luckily I didn’t have to waste a neflix disc on this, as I watched it through the wii.

    • Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

      You know, only the classiest chicks wear jingling stuff around their boobs. Those are the ones you take home to meet your mother.

  2. Jarv says :

    Lunch has been taken early, covers are off, play will be soon.

  3. Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

    Great news: Ghost Rider 2 begins filming this November.

    Greater news: Useless oily skank Eva Mendes won’t be in it.

    Horrifying news: Looks like those Crank assholes are directing it.

    Shit, man. A sequel to one of the all time great comic book films is obviously awesome; and it’s another opportunity for Nicolas Cage to act at 9.9 on the Richter scale, which is even awesomer. But I hate those Crank assholes.

    • just pillow talk says :

      Okay, this is perfect. Jarv, Time Barbarians is ten times more entertaining than Ghostrider, which was probably one of the most boring movies of all-time.

      • Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

        Blasphemy!

      • just pillow talk says :

        Nay, my ill-advised friend. That was a horrible attempt at making a bad movie. Ghostrider failed miserable.

        Mendes does NOT whip them out, which clearly she should have done.

      • Jarv says :

        The only entertaining bit of Ghostrider was the “one last ride in me”. Which he uses and then buggers off before he could be of any use.

        That’s hilarious. The rest is shite.

      • Jarv says :

        “Useless oily skank”

        Uh-huh. Methinks you are being less than truthful here, simian, and if given the chance would not hesitate to slip la Mendes your banana

      • Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

        No, she’s a weird looking woman. Nice tits, no doubt, but otherwise she doesn’t do it for me.

      • Jarv says :

        Hmm, well, can’t say I believe you as (let’s be honest here) we’ve all dipped below our personal standards for a variety of reasons (usually involving alcohol) and poked a pig

      • just pillow talk says :

        I’d fuck that skank. No question.

  4. Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

    Anyone seen Bangkok Dangerous?

    It is my dream to be able to say – with complete, heartfelt honesty – that I’ve seen every single film Nicolas Cage has made. That means I need to fill in a few blank spaces, starting with Bangkok Dangerous.

    Does anyone know how awesome/not awesome it is?

    • just pillow talk says :

      Nope, haven’t see it, but I’ve been meaning to.

      I think I should add it to the queue. Maybe I’ll be in luck and I’ll be able to see it through the wii.

    • Jarv says :

      Droid has and I think Koutch may have

      • koutchboom says :

        Nope haven’t seen nor have I seen Next. Tried to watch Any Bully and turned it off. But Ghost Rider 2, I’ll be there for that. From Ned/Taylor America’s auteurs HELL YEAH!

      • just pillow talk says :

        Next is what you kind of expect from a typical Cage movie.

    • LB says :

      It fucking sucks. I almost walked out on it. It really is shit-it’s the last role before Cage got bankrupted and thus had to actually start taking on interesting scripts.

      Pedestrian. Moronic. Ploy by the numbers. You don’t even give a shit about anything that’s happening in the fucking movie.

      Needs more zombies, or some shit.

      Hmmm-let’s see-I fucking hated it.

  5. Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

    Alright, this is the complete list of Nicolas Cage films I need to see in order to claim absolute completion:

    Bangkok Dangerous
    The Ant Bully
    The Weather Man
    Sonny
    Windtalkers
    Christmas Carol: The Movie
    Captain Corelli’s Mandolin*
    City Of Angels
    Trapped In Paradise*
    Deadfall
    Amos & Andrew*
    Zandalee
    Fire Birds*
    Industrial Symphony No. 1: The Dream of the Brokenhearted
    Time To Kill
    Vampire’s Kiss*
    Never On Tuesday
    The Boy in Blue
    Racing With The Moon
    Valley Girl
    Best Of Times

    Films marked with an * are films I might have seen but I can’t remember so what the fuck I’ll watch them again.

    This could be a difficult challenge. I never even heard of some of those.

  6. Jarv says :

    Yikes

    Bangkok Dangerous
    The Ant Bully
    The Weather Man- shit
    Sonny
    Windtalkers- shit
    Christmas Carol: The Movie
    Captain Corelli’s Mandolin*- really shit
    City Of Angels- really, really shit
    Trapped In Paradise*
    Deadfall
    Amos & Andrew*
    Zandalee
    Fire Birds*
    Industrial Symphony No. 1: The Dream of the Brokenhearted
    Time To Kill
    Vampire’s Kiss*
    Never On Tuesday
    The Boy in Blue
    Racing With The Moon
    Valley Girl
    Best Of Times

    THat’s a horrifying list and I bet most of it is utter ubertoss

    • Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

      No worthwhile achievement should be easy, Jarv.

      And I believe from the bottom of my deeply stupid heart that this is a worthwhile achievement.

      On my grave it will say:

      HERE LIES FRANKLIN THOMAS MARMOSET

      HE SAW EVERY SINGLE FILM NICOLAS CAGE EVER MADE

      And everyone who sees it will be impressed.

  7. just pillow talk says :

    Frankie, this is a brilliant idea. One worthy of your return to the internets.

    • Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

      It’s what Nicolas Cage deserves, jpt. He works his ass off to act harder than anyone else has ever acted before, and his efforts should be properly appreciated.

      Not sure how long it’s going to take, or whether some of those films are even available to watch, but the quest begins tonight with Bangkok Dangerous.

      I just realised I should probably add Astro Boy and The Sorcerer’s Apprentice to the list as well.

      • just pillow talk says :

        I have to concur. Someone owes it to the hairpiece.

        I’m pretty sure you’ll get some sort of humanitarian award for this herculean effort.

      • koutchboom says :

        Maybe he’ll give you a spot next to him in his tomb?

  8. Droid says :

    Of that list I’ve seen…

    The Weather Man – Performance was a 4.6 on the NICKter scale. The movie sucks.

    Windtalkers- Performance was a 8.2 on the NICKter scale. The movie gave me a headache, but worth it to see Slater get Highlandered by some very angry Japs.

    Captain Corelli’s Mandolin*- Performance is 6.4 on the NICKter scale purely because I seem to remember him sporting an italian accent. If this is indeed incorrect it’s a 3.8. The movie is fucking boring apart from ogling Cruz.

    City Of Angels- 0.0 on the NICKter scale. Looks like Cage was addicted to sleeping pills during filming. Unusual for him.

    Trapped In Paradise* – 5.1 on the NICKter scale.

    Amos & Andrew* – 9.9 on the NICKter scale. Cage and SLJ trying to outshout each other.

    Bangkok Dangerous – Have it but not seen it.

  9. just pillow talk says :

    Hmmm…I think everyone should watch Bangkok Dangerous over the next week since it seems no one has seen it.

  10. Droid says :

    The problem with trying to watch every single Nic Cage movie, is that by the time you get through all the films of his you haven’t seen, sixteen new ones have been released. It’s like a dog chasing his own tail.

  11. Droid says :

    Also, how the fuck did the busiest man on the planet go bankrupt?

  12. Bartleby says :

    Franklin, I think, to my horror, I am quite close to achieving your dream:

    Bangkok Dangerous- terrible. pathetic without proper Cage mugging, though the hairpiece in this is legendary.

    The Ant Bully- meh, all the way through. wouldn’t really consider it a Cage movie.

    The Weather Man- pretentious crap, although I liked seeing people throw Wendy’s frosty’s at Cage.

    Sonny- his directorial debut, and it’s so crazy awful you may want to see it. James Franco plays a guy whose pimp is his mom, and Cage was some crazed Southern drug-fiend named Acid Yellow. I just remember the suit he wore. It’s an appaling movie, but not without unintentional humor.

    Windtalkers- like Jarv said, shit. I still can’t believe Woo made this.

    Christmas Carol: The Movie- bland, lifeless animation. think cage was either Marley or Ghost of Christmas past. Don’t recall now. Just remember Callow was live-action Dickens, and I just saw him yesterday playing dickens again in Dr. Who.

    Captain Corelli’s Mandolin*- the epitome of boring, vacant travelogues.

    City Of Angels- don’t hate it like Jarv, but as it’s trying to remake Wings of Desire (fantastic movie) it’s a heap of crap.

    Trapped In Paradise- ridiculous 90s comedy with Cage and Lovitz and someone else–maybe Dana Carvey?–trying to replay a Capra flick, or The Ref, to disasterous results.

    Deadfall- Made during that part of Cage’s career where he seemed to be Trimark’s bitch, and would take a stab at almost anything. It’s a bad movie, but I don’t recall much else. I recall more about Biehn’s character than Cages. Maybe the worst movie with a Coppola’s name on it, and I’m counting Jack. IMDB says it all with this:

    Nicolas Cage came onto the set dressed up with a wig, albino contact lenses and dark sunglasses because he thought this would add more authenticity to the character of two-bit hustler, Eddie. Cage was told that he could dress up however he wanted for his part.

    Amos & Andrew: inexplicably bad. It’s got the same name, more or less, of an infamous early-era comedy show (of which the radio program was a form of blackface) and yet it’s got nothing to do with that at all. Sam Jackson and Nic Cage killing screentime. Terrible.

    Zandalee–this is actually like a Cinemax late-at-night softcore erotic thriller. Cage has some of the craziest hair in it. I just recall him licking whip-cream off strippers, wearing a goatee and seeing Joey Pants in a dress for almost the whole time.

    Fire Birds–this was that dopey wannabe Top Gun thing right? This used to play HBO endlessly in the 90s. Useless.

    Industrial Symphony No. 1: The Dream of the Brokenhearted-Lynch! I liked this for the sheer absurdity. There are zombie elks, midget lumberjacks, scary ass figurines, floating banshee girls. All kinds of dubious stuff. Can’t recall how Cagester fits in though, think he was part of a couple with Laura Dern. This was like training wheels for Inland Empire. Except this was short at 50 minutes, instead of th unending tedium of IE.

    Time To Kill–saw it once. Abomination. Probably the worst thing he’s ever done. Highlight was probably Cage shooting his wife in stomach because he thought she was a hyena.

    Vampire’s Kiss– good movie, he’s good in it, and he ate a live cockroach for the part. Good enough. Kind of tricky, not a horror movie exactly.

    Never On Tuesday–not seen it.
    The Boy in Blue–not seen it.
    Racing With The Moon–bleh. dopey.
    Valley Girl–dumb early stuff, good hair though.
    Best Of Times–never seen it.

    • Droid says :

      Isn’t the premise of Amos and Andrew that SLJ was the affluent dude that got kidnapped by The Hairpiece, who was the hoodlum and they somehow got into a situation where everyone assumed that it was the other way around? I haven’t seen it for 15 years.

      The Ref is such a great movie.

    • Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

      That’s impressive, Bartleby.

      This is what I must beat, and I have the stupidity and the spare time to do it.

      I WILL watch them all!!

    • koutchboom says :

      I really liked The Weather Man, only Gore film I’ve liked. That will all change of course with his upcoming Pixar destroyer.

      • koutchboom says :

        Trapped In Paradise ain’t that bad. It’s Lovitz and Carvey they are all brothers are something. It has a few moments.

        What The Ref are we talking about? The Dennis Leary/Kevin Spacey one?

      • koutchboom says :

        OHHH FUCK!!! ZANDALEE!!! THAT is the Cage film we all need to see, check out this fucking epic poster:

      • koutchboom says :

        Deadfall sounds pretty fucking sweet as well. Directed by Cage’s brother.

      • Droid says :

        Yep, The Ref with Leary and Spacey. Great flick.

  13. koutchboom says :

    Anyone else caught the trailer for 127 Hours? Looking pretty cool.

    • Droid says :

      I saw it. Looks alright. I was trying to figure out if its based on the bloke that got his arm stuck and had to cut his arm off with a swiss army knife to free himself.

    • koutchboom says :

      Also speaking of Franco and Cage, Droid I never knew you got to show James Franco how your job works.

      In 2010, New York Magazine reported that while doing research for his role in Sonny (2002), ‘James Franco’ visited male strip clubs in New Orleans and also followed a male prostitute around, even into a hotel room while the prostitute did his job.

  14. Droid says :

    Speaking of Cage, I caught most of The Family Man on tv last weekend. I really like that movie. I’d have no problem whatsoever being married to Tea Leoni.

  15. koutchboom says :

    It’s funny because I get Frank and Zeddmore confused sometimes. NOW I KNOW their major difference, Frank = Cage Fan, Zed = Anti Cage Fan (he hates him).

  16. just pillow talk says :

    Speaking of 127 hours, I doubt a movie will be made of this guy…

    http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Home/man-trapped-furnace-amputated-arm/story?id=10889441

  17. Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

    Those of you with video access should check out this story about Nicolas Cage doing mushrooms with his cat:

    That is another reason why I should watch all of his films.

  18. Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

    To kick off Cage-a-palooza in style tonight, I will be attempting a triple feature:

    Bangkok Dangerous
    The Weather Man
    Astro Boy

    Getting three under my belt seems like the right way to commence my quest, although that last one is some sort of daft looking cartoon about a robot boy so I may not finish that one without falling asleep.

  19. just pillow talk says :

    AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!

    I just realized Mrs. Pillow had bumped up a movie, which I think we’ll be getting today.

    The Proposal.

    Time Barbarians is looking a hundred times better already.
    And Cypher will be shipping out today, so it looks like even getting through The Proposal tonight, I won’t get my hands on Bangkok Dangerous this weekend.

    I do, however, have Red Rock West in the instant queue, so I could honor Mr. Cage with that watch.

    Or there always Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.

    • Jarv says :

      Do Red Rock West.

      Aside from Cypher, by far the best film you’ve mentioned

    • koutchboom says :

      Seriously skip Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus. The trailer is the best thing about it. It’s not even a soooo bad it’s good. It’s just a bad bad bad bbad bad bad it’s boring.

      WELL unless you like seeing the same shot of a shark fin like 100 times?

    • Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

      I just watched Red Rock West again a few weeks ago. Really good film. One of Cage’s best, I think.

    • just pillow talk says :

      Right, so I’ll definitely get to Red Rock West at some point this weekend, along with Cypher.

      So then maybe I’ll try and scrounge up another decent flick to watch instead of Mega Shark, to counter-act The Proposal.

      Anyone see The Horsemen (takes place in Australia) or Ultimate Heist (with Jean Reno)? Or the Danish movie Terribly Happy?

  20. Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

    Alright, I’m off.

    Time’s-a-wastin’. Those Nicolas Cage films won’t watch themselves.

    Cheers, all.

  21. Jarv says :

    Fuck this noise.

    It’s pissing it down, so Cricket is abandoned for the day. I’m off home to shoot aliens with ludicrous weaponry.

    And if it makes me play in some other cunts game again, shoot them.

    • Jarv says :

      Although having said that, I may actively seek out some other cunt’s game for the Train sequence as when you are playing your own you get AI controlled Drones in your squad, and I bet that with human players killing the big fucking monster with the giant cannon will take a fraction of the time.

      Because the AI Clones stand around doing nothing when you need basically 4 people- one to man the coolant, one to load and prime the gun, one to aim and fire and one to kill the little monster bastards that keep trying to get you.

      4 humans would make this a doddle. Me & AI involved me loading the gun, cooling it down enough to fire, shooting the little bastards and then once all this was done aiming and firing the cannon while the Drones stood there doing fuck all. Annoying.

      • just pillow talk says :

        All I hear is gaming nerd speak.

        Doth protest too much against Koutch’s Speed Racer love.

  22. koutchboom says :

    I’ve got my next Adventure ready to go. I just need an opening paragraph.

  23. Droid says :

    Right, I’m off too. Probably more Mad Men for me. Accompanied by whisky and cigarettes, because that’s all anyone seems to do on that show. Plus my four day weekend starts….

    NOW!

  24. koutchboom says :

    Whoa this sounds cool, it happens soon.

    Any of you Brits seen/heard/been to one of these?

    http://www.secretcinema.org/

  25. koutchboom says :

    Anyone else seen the trailer for the Asian remake of Blood Simple?? Looks pretty cool. Comes out like this week or next. It’s not what you think it’s going to be be.

    Feels sort of like a FUCK you to America, THIS is how you remake a movie.

  26. koutchboom says :

    FUCK wish me luck. I may be going to the extremes for my Adventures in terrible comedy!!!!!

    Tonight I start the Creammaster Cycle.

  27. xiphos0311 says :

    How not to do an Amphibious Assault brought to you by our friends the English.

    • xiphos0311 says :

      To be fair I’m pretty sure those dudes aren’t Royal Marines.

      • LB says :

        Fucking Idiots. I’ll meet you in the quicksand. I’m going to hide my gun it.

        Sir, what’s the procedure for laying around in a puddle of mud.

        Oh, right sir, it’s my fucking job to just sit here sinking. Nope I’m just gonna fucking lay around until I nearly drown myself. Pip Pip!

      • LB says :

        Justin Beiber could kick those guys asses.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        having cleaned mud infested weapons before all I can say is good luck fellas you’re going to need it.

      • LB says :

        Yo Xi-Do you think they actually give those guys live ammo? I mean seriously: They could could be an explosive removal teamJust give them the ammo, and you know the shit isn’t going anywhere.

  28. xiphos0311 says :

    Not for any sort of large scale training operation. That thing, on the other hand, looks like some sort of point proving activity that went horribly wrong. I’m sure those guys are wearing English Army battle dress and since they aren’t Marines they didn’t know enough to not jump off of the prow of the LCAC.

    • LB says :

      Gentleman. Your training exercise has gone so well, we are promoting you into the Air Force.

      Your unit, which has been lauded for years and years throughout history etc. etc. will now be retired. Or possibly put into a National Guard.

      We are still looking for a State that will take you.

      Or maybe some odd Eastern European base. But not too close to the Middle East.

      Maybe Togo.

      Or The Walmart in Cleveland.

      We are still checking on that info.

      Good Job, gents.

  29. Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

    Well, the first stage of Cage-a-palooza was only two thirds successful. I made it through Bangkok Dangerous and The Weather Man and then had to lie down and listen to some soothing music (Neil Young by Neil Young).

    I realise now that the reason I haven’t seen many of these Nicolas Cage films is that they aren’t very good, so this challenge will indeed be difficult to complete. It may be necessary to throw in a few good Cage films to keep my motivation up.

    • xiphos0311 says :

      Off of that list you had above the only one that qualifies as good is Valley Girl and it is entirely goofy and of it’s time but pretty decent.

  30. Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

    Bangkok Dangerous –

    Boring. Really boring. A thriller with no thrills, which I guess makes it an er. This hitman goes on about how important it is to stay isolated from other humans, but then immediately tries to pash an adorable deaf pharmacist and trains a local criminal in the ways of hitman-manship, which inevitably leads to trouble. Really dull trouble.

    And I was disappointed to find out the hitman Cage plays was named Joe. I thought Bangkok Dangerous was going to be his name, like: “Yes, my name’s Dangerous… Bangkok Dangerous!” “Okay, Mr Dangerous, just pop your clothes off and the doctor will be with you shortly.” But instead he is, just to make sure every aspect of this film is eye-wateringly boring, called Joe.

    Not recommended.

    • LB says :

      Yup Frank-I’d give away the shocking, gritty ending, but i can’t remember what it was.

      He like shoots a dude through his own chest with a chainsaw or something. After 2 hours, I was saying If Joe had just done that in the first 5 minutes-It would have spared everybody a lot of blase pain.

      • Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

        He like shoots a dude through his own chest with a chainsaw or something.

        Very, very funny, Bronco. It’s only 9.30 and you’ve already given me the biggest laugh of the day.

        I wish that had been the ending. It would have made up for much of the boringness of that film.

      • Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

        Damn, I fucked up my tags again. I suck at this internet.

      • LB says :

        Glad to be of service. Also-BD is a reaaly crap movie-you need something fun after that one.

  31. Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

    The Weather Man –

    Possibly even more boring than Bangkok Dangerous, and also kind of depressing.

    It’s about this twat who everyone hates because he’s a twat, but then he learns that it’s okay to be a twat as long as you can potentially shoot people with a bow and arrow. But if that’s true, why is Legolas such a twat in Lord Of The Rings? A plot hole there, I reckon.

    Also not recommended.

    • Jarv says :

      You’ve got Shitty of Angels to come which I think is a real low point in his whole career.

      Utter, utter shit. Boring, predictable melodrama and he isn’t even fun high-octane hairpiece. He’s deluded trying-to-act-sensitively hairpiece and it isn’t interesting.

      • Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

        I ‘acquired’ City Of Angels last night, along with Windtalkers, Captain Correlli, Trapped In Paradise and Valley Girl. So that’s my weekend sorted.

        Not looking forward to City Of Angels at all. A Meg Ryan-ised version of Wings Of Desire is not something I really want to see. I like Wings Of Desire – Nick Cave is in it!

      • Jarv says :

        It blows. Really, really blows.

        Fucking awful film

    • Jarv says :

      Oh, and to answer your Legolas question:

      Because Legolas is played by humungous sized twat Orlando Bloom, the very definition of twattishness.

      I feel about him like Droid feels about Bradley “Sack of Cocks” Cooper

      • Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

        It’s true, Orlando Bloom does define twattery. I don’t think I’ve ever liked that guy in anything.

        Women seem to like him, though. I suspect that’s because they know if he were ever to become uppity they could beat him up easily.

        P.S. Did you fix my tags? If so, thanks.

      • Jarv says :

        No problem. You became confused between your italics tag and your blockquote one.

      • Jarv says :

        I like that “uppity”.

        Nice.

        Can you imagine a lippy Orlando Bloom?

      • xiphos0311 says :

        Bloom would get the BITCH SLAP if he grew the balls to be uppity.

      • Jarv says :

        I’d give my eye teeth to pimp hand Bloom

      • xiphos0311 says :

        I’m sure what ever 97 pound bone rack bloom is railing keeps her pimp hand strong on his face.

      • Jarv says :

        You’d hope so.

        I like to think she beats the shit out of him every morning with a monkey wrench because he’s bound to deserve it at some point during the day

      • just pillow talk says :

        Kingdom of Heaven I think is his only exception. I don’t necessarily think he’s great in it or anything, but that movie is so fucking awesome (DC), and he wasn’t a big pussy boy, that he didn’t bother me in that movie at all.

      • Jarv says :

        I haven’t seen the DC of that because the actual version is so fucking bad. So no, that isn’t an exception.

      • just pillow talk says :

        You’re wrong.

        Yes it is.

        nah-nah-nah-nah!

  32. LB says :

    Ah- Alison Haislip with Neal Marshall at a shooting range. She’s a good lookin’ broad. Must see Centurion in theaters, dangit.

    http://g4tv.com/videos/48269/Interview-with-Centurions-Neil-Marshall/

    • xiphos0311 says :

      Several questions come to mind after looking a that clip.

      1. Who’s Alison Haislip and why did she lie about handling weapons?

      2. Why didn’t anybody tell that chick to lean into the shotgun stock so it wouldn’t slap her on recoil?

      3. Why were they trying to fob off Ruger Blackhawk as a Model 29 S&W?

      4. If Centurion is about The Celts and Romans why did the interview take place at a shooting range in LA? Anybody else have disconnect with that?

      • LB says :

        1. She is a fill in host on g4’s Attack Of The Show. Looks like she’ll be replacing Olivia Munn here pretty quick-what with Munn not doing her job anymore.

        2. Even bruses look good on that gal.

        3. It’s G4-they can’t afford to go to a *good* shooting range. Look-it’s better than if they were to go bowling.

        4. See answer number 3.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        OK LB further questions

        1. What is G4? I thought that was a private jet.

        2. What’s Attack of the Show?

        3. Who’s Olivia Munn

      • LB says :

        Alright.

        1. Stateside (United States) there’s a cable television show that blabs about video games and movies and whatnot. Available via satellite and cable providers, civilians tend to veg out watching said shows, even though they have low production values.

        2. That is the name of the show that has been hosted by Kevin Perriera for about 6 years. He has had a cavalcade of cuties as sidekicks in recent years. First and foremost is Ms. Olivia Munn-who has gone on to do Maxim magazine shoots and bit parts in Iron Man 2.

        She’s quite funny and attractive when she’s not on drugs, and has a good sense of humor.

        3. Munn is done in my world, her dopey face appears on the show credits, though it’s obvious to everybody that she has moved on.

        There’s not much more to say-it’s the only domestic American Television show on Cable that doesn’t make me want to destroy stuff.

        They show vids of internet dopiness and generally harmless funny stuff on a piss-poor cable news network.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        Thanks for the info LB

  33. Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

    This from Yahoo News:

    “Jennifer Aniston is taking extreme lengths to banish her ‘girl-next-door’ image once and for all – she’s set to strip, take drugs and indulge in a threesome in her next movie, according to reports.

    The Friends star’s latest film The Switch, about an unmarried woman who uses artificial insemination to have a child, was branded a flop earlier this month, amid scathing reviews and disappointing box office takings.

    But Aniston is firing back at critics by taking up a role in Judd Apatow’s Wanderlust opposite Paul Rudd.

    The pair will play a married couple who become hippies, while Aniston’s character smokes cannabis, strips off her clothes and embarks on affairs, including one same-sex romp scene.”

    Jennifer Aniston in a same-sex romp scene? There is absolutely no way that will not be the greatest film ever made. No amount of naysaying from you lot will convince me otherwise.

    Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go away and imagine I’m watching that scene right now.

    • xiphos0311 says :

      Didn’t you say yesterday that something else was the greatest film of all time? Fickle monkey.

    • Jarv says :

      Nope,

      It will be shit. There will be nary a boob sighting and as it is Apatow it will suck a ginormouse amount of balls.

      You are a strange monkey

    • Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

      I may be fickle, but I make no apologies for being excited about Aniston-related lesbianry.

      And I refer Jarv to the sentence about naysaying. You will not spoil this for me, sir. No way.

      • Jarv says :

        I don’t need to spoil it for you. La Aniston playing a kooky hippy (again) in an Apatow production is enough as I’m sure Apatow himself will spoil it for you.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        Frank do you really think in an Apatow film there will be even a whiff of Aniston related Lesbianry? Oh they might talk about it, refer to it and they might hint at it visually but if you think there will be actual boobage on boobage and/or fondling you might get crushed hard. Just trying to help hoss you need to maintain low expectations.

      • Jarv says :

        Oh they might talk about it, refer to it and they might hint at it visually but if you think there will be actual boobage on boobage and/or fondling you might get crushed hard.

        Exactly.

        Furthermore, such cockteasing will take place in the dismally unfunny excuse for “comedy” that Apatow serves up as a matter of course.

      • LB says :

        Thee guys are right Frank–there is no way she’d go whole hog and deliver the goods. Forget you even read that article.

    • just pillow talk says :

      I will remain hopeful, yet doubtful, that the Aniston lesbo scene ever comes to fruition.

  34. just pillow talk says :

    I managed to get through The Proposal whilst drinking a few beers. I would say it’s probably your average rom-com, ie pure shit with a stupid premise to start, and several very stupid events that transpire in the movie.

    I will now refuse to speak more on this shit, and instead focus on the potential Aniston lesbo scene.

  35. Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

    I know it’s not popular on these here internets, but sometimes it’s nice to be optimistic. And when it comes to Aniston lesbionage, I choose to be optimistic.

    In fact, I’m being optimistic about it right now. I’m being optimistic about Jennifer Aniston and Scarlett Johansson doing lesbianage on each other. And I’m also being optimistic about there being various senusal oils involved…

    Okay, I’m off for a lie down.

    • Jarv says :

      You are relentlessly, and blindly optimistic, in spite of all evidence available.

      I choose to be realistic, and then pleasantly surprised.

      • just pillow talk says :

        It’s the whole shrivelled black heart vs monkey heart debate.

        Two sides of the spectrum that will never fully understand the other.

    • xiphos0311 says :

      sometimes it’s nice to be optimistic

      I would agree with you Frank if Apatow wasn’t involved.

      • Jarv says :

        Nowt wrong with optimism. For example, I am blindly optimistic that Centurion will be deep fried gold.

        I’m also realistic, and if I didn’t think that all Marshall’s films (fuck you all, I like Doomsday) were Deep Fried Gold, then I would have no reason to assume that Centurion will be.

      • just pillow talk says :

        Here, I will back you up (again).

        I love all of Marshall’s flicks, and most definitely including Doomsday. I’m sorry, but whenever the main hero is a smoking hot chick who can’t act but who has a camera eyeball that she’ll roll down a hallway, I’m sold.

        Plus it had that hot sword wielding cannibal chick.

        The only negative was no boobies.

      • koutchboom says :

        There were some boob shots in Doomsday, topless chick in the bath tub and some of the dancing chicks in the circus tent scene I think dropped top or were painted.

      • Jarv says :

        Topless chick with the shotgun?

  36. Jarv says :

    *Groan*

    Fucking Cricket is a fiasco

  37. Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

    I was going to defend Judd Apatow, but then I considered the concept of futility and decided I would rather spend the time continuing to imagine Jennifer Aniston and Scarlett Johansson scissoring.

    So that’s what I’m doing.

    • just pillow talk says :

      Wise move…

      I’m mixing it up and having Aniston playing naked twister with Kate Beckinsale.

      • Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

        Nice.

        I’m incorporating that and now all three off them are having a great old time playing naked twister together. It’s slippery with all the oils involved, but they seem to be enjoying themselves anyway.

        Oh, what’s this, now?

        Jessica Biel has arrived. And her clothes are all wet!

        Don’t be shy, Jessica Biel. Take those wet things off and join in the fun!

      • Jarv says :

        Futility never stopped you in the past. Or is Apatow beyond even your noble monkey limits.

        I’m thinking sort of Battle of the Apes armour and knighthood and whatnot here, not shitty version

      • Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

        No, it’s that comedy is so subjective. Either you find something funny or you don’t – there’s no argument to justify either side.

        I like Judd Apatow (although I wasn’t too keen on Funny People), but I don’t have the energy to defend him.

        All my energies are diverted to imagining a lesbian orgy, anyway.

      • koutchboom says :

        Hrmmmmmmm Apatow and comedy??????? Not really seeing it. Year One/Fun With Dick and Jane/Knocked Up/Funny People, these are all titles that I don’t think about when I think about the term comedy. They usually pop up when I’ve busy scrapping the bottom of the barrel. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone so promising in comedy die so fast. Maybe Dane Cook?

        Well I guess it wasn’t that fast since Freaks and Geeks is fucking ten years ago now.

      • just pillow talk says :

        If you drank fat pony tailed one’s energy drink, you could defend anything…even the FF!

      • Jarv says :

        Lawman is one of the most unintentionally hilarious programmes on the box. Watching the tubby git chase drunk drivers on foot up the highway was one of the funniest things I saw last week.

      • koutchboom says :

        I actually learned something useful if ever held at gunpoint from that show. Like right when the guy pulls the gun on you, just slap his hand across his body and spin around him. Seems like if you even just started doing that on someone they’d freakout enough for you to beat their ass.

      • just pillow talk says :

        Heh…I could someone trying that and exclaiming “it works for Steven Sea…THUNK!

    • koutchboom says :

      ITS INCEPTION!

  38. just pillow talk says :

    Since some of you boys could be a bit tired first thing in the morning, or just need a little shot of energy, here is your solution:

    http://www.lightningdrink.com/

    Now, with more FAT!

    • Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

      I wonder if that drink is what gives Steven Seagal his super crime-fighting skills (as seen on Steven Seagal: Lawman)?

  39. koutchboom says :

    I’ve never been a big fan of Aniston. She’s OK, I defended her being funny in the 30 rock episode she was in, and my wife got all “OHH YOU JUST THINK SHE’S HOT!” And I was like not really, she was just funny in that? My wife didn’t believe me for the longest time for some reason.

    • just pillow talk says :

      Typical female response.
      Nothing you could do about that.

    • Jarv says :

      Yeah, you’re doomed. Women automatically think we fancy a certain type of woman (Aniston is one) and so nothing that we could say will change their minds.

      Personally, I don’t believe you either because she just isn’t funny.

      • koutchboom says :

        Hahahah yeah I was surprised i was laughing as well. I mean she’s OK looking, just not my type. But since we saw fuck whats it called. Punch in the Face guy and like everyone else…..He’s just Not That Into You. Were Ben Affleck plays the great guy and Anniston plays the hurt wife, my wife is NOW ok with Anniston….funny how that works.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s funny, but women in general of my acquaintance don’t believe that about “type”.

        Mrs. Jarv, for example, would never believe in a million years that Frank didn’t fancy Eva Mendes.

      • koutchboom says :

        I mean its like, YEAH SURE if she just happen to fall into my bed magically of course. But I’m not going to go out of my way to give a shit about her. Like I can admit a girl is good looking or pretty, its just funny to think that every guy in the world would WANT her. First off…it doesn’t fucking matter because its not like I’ll ever be in any situation to ever meet an actress on that level. Secondly….I don’t have a secondly really I thought I did but no. It’s just a dumb lame self esteem issue with chicks.

        I got no problem when girls tell me how hot an actor is, doesn’t bother me at all. In fact I know what actors my wife likes and think are cute so I usually rent those movies for her. But with girls, if some actress is ever portrayed as some SEXY young starlet then chicks usually just fucking hate them.

      • Franklin Thomas Marmoset says :

        If it helps, you can tell her about my unhealthy fascination with Jennifer Aniston. I’ve seen every episode of Friends.

      • koutchboom says :

        Frank if you can put up with Annistons inane (been waiting to use that word for like two days now!) non stop banter then you should be prime husband material.

      • just pillow talk says :

        Still won’t work Frankie.

        We have dicks, ergo when in doubt, you think a semi-attractive chick (at least according to your significant other) is quite fuckable, and that’s the only reason why you find her funny or willing to watch whatever dreck she’s in.

        Which is, let’s be honest, quite true.

      • Jarv says :

        Also, there seems to be some disconnect in their brains about “finding vaguely attractive” automatically leading to “shagging them”.

        Quite how this is meant to work is always lost on me, but never mind

  40. koutchboom says :

    Oh fuck my ass the main system we use at work is down……please let this not get fixed for the rest of the day. Axel F was on the radio on the way in today I knew that was a good sign.

  41. koutchboom says :

    Oh fuck my ass the main system we use at work is down……please let this not get fixed for the rest of the day. Walter B was on the radio on the way in today I knew that was a good sign.

  42. Jarv says :

    You’ll be working shortly.

    • koutchboom says :

      Yeah no shit, they’ve pretty much told us keep fucking TRYING to get onto the system until it works!!

      Yeah because this is a lot more effective then just the IT guy sending out an e-mail saying it works again. Or some asshole announcing it.

      • just pillow talk says :

        Usually when that happens here, it’s because some IT fuckhead changed something, not realizing the implications of that change to other systems.

  43. koutchboom says :

    Fun rage cage news I learned yesterday. Besides having a bear of a brother he’s got a goth son and his now wife he impregnated when she was only 21. They got married when she was 20 and he was in his 40s.

    And sadly she is of Asian descent and her geans won out in the battle so the baby looks asian not Cageian. Same with the goth son, whose sort of a big fucker. Seems odd that the Cage gean is weak.

    Why it is sad that Cages baby looks Asian is because he named it fucking Kal-El, SOOO now we’ve got an part Asian Superman. Just feel bad for Cage because you know he wanted some all American boy with that name.

  44. Stuntcock Mike says :

    Son of Cage. Child of genius.

  45. koutchboom says :

    Damn i thought this was something about the director of A Prophet, just about the star of that film.

    http://theplaylist.blogspot.com/2010/08/freida-pinto-tahar-rahim-mark-strong.html

  46. koutchboom says :

    My next adventure is up.

  47. Jarv says :

    England have recovered from a frankly disastrous position to merely a very bad one.

    All thanks to Broad and Trott. Droid hates Broad.

    • Droid says :

      And Trott. The most boring fucking batsmen on the planet.

      • Jarv says :

        Well, to be honest, I’m giving the credit to this one to Broad.

        Trott is a number 3, and should therefore (take note KP, Colly, Morgan) be able to bat when it’s swinging and hang around.

        Broad, on the other hand is a 9, and therefore can be relied upon to slog it but little else. To bat properly for over 100 balls scoring a nice 60 or so when you’re the last cunt that can even hold a bat on a day when the ball is doing all sorts is a fucking achievement.

        And I don’t like Trott.

      • Jarv says :

        Also, Hanging around and grafting runs was exactly what was required today.

  48. just pillow talk says :

    A fucking beautiful day, and I’m here.

    Something ain’t right.

  49. just pillow talk says :

    So anyone ever see some of these foreign movies?

    Le Trou, an old French movie from 1960

    While in prison awaiting trial for the attempted murder of his wife, Claude (Marc Michel) learns that some inmates are plotting an escape and decides to go along with them — only to learn that his wife has dropped the charges and his sentence has been reduced. He still agrees to participate in the jailbreak, knowing that he’s risking his freedom by doing so. This is director Jacques Becker’s final film.

    Sounds pretty interesting to me.

    Amores Perros, which I’ve heard about but never seen. I haven’t checked, but did anyone have that in a decade’s best of foreign flicks or something?

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