Burt Gummer’s Rec Room- June 2010 Archive

A gathering place for firearms enthusiasts, paranoid survivalists and those who worship at the Church of Chang.

Disclaimer: This is the part of the Church that is the most no holds barred. None of it is intended with malice, and although it can on occasion seem a little bit fraught, it is banter rather than venom.

Remember: in an underground bunker with an arsenal large enough to kill the popualtion of Bolivia no-one can hear you scream.

3,051 responses to “Burt Gummer’s Rec Room- June 2010 Archive”

  1. Bartleby says :

    ha. no., that’s fine Jarv. I just think our deconstruction of the series is better when its pointing the truth of this lame duck bakc in their faces. I actually went into the one last night with an open mind, and the startt was actually good. Very dark, shadowy, with a guy being stalked by creatures. I thought we were honestly still watching the previews for a movie I’d never heard of. Only after a ferw minutes did I realize we were watching Twilight.

    Then it cut to bella and ed in a field of flowers and everything unraveled.

    I think the series is porbably less sinsiter than we make it out to be, but its no less dopey or bing. That’s the real problem, none of these people are characters.

    I know you and I have hads this conversation before, but say what you will about Buffy the Vamprie Slayer, that show had characters who actually changed from season to season, and not as just pawns of the plot. It also had a central character who was a strong female character whom the writers weren’t afraid to show in a negative light and not get behind her on her every decsiion.

    You would assume that Bella is the most interesting person on earth and every decsiion she makes is exactly the right one, every single time.

  2. Bartleby says :

    should have said ‘dopey and boring’

    • Jarv says :

      I disagree.

      Look who it’s aimed at. I’ve read them, and they’re practically a manual for spousal abuse, mormonism, latent racism, misogyny etc dressed up as a terribly anodyne and hackneyed tween romance.

      It’s drivel, and it’s offensive drivel.

      • Bartleby says :

        wait, you actually reasd them? I thought you just read the wikipedia excerpts. Why did you rweas them? All of them? Dear lord.

        I haven;t gotten to the spousal abuse parts yet. They aren’t in the movies. yet. Although, there’s definitely some misogyn there, hich I addressed in the previous review. As far as the movie is concerned, this one is more about watching a girl with no personality string along two dim guys. Im just going off whats up on screen.

      • koutchboom says :

        I don’t know about all that jarv, I think you treat the people who read them as idiots. I mean sure the stories are dumb and whatever, but I don’t think every teenage girl walks away from those books thinking that they are Bella. Thats just as dumb as saying anyone that reads Conan is going to think they are Conan. Twilight may be drivel but I don’t think it’s offensive at all, its just a lame female fantasy.

        I don’t see how its a manual for mormonism, its just that the book was written by a morman. I know a couple of morman’s that got into the series just because it was done by a morman author. Sure she’s skating by on the fact that she’s morman, but that’s just like bands saying they are christian to get that christian rock audience. The morman people I know that read it don’t think it is some sort of recruitment thing or anything.

        Its just like a lame romance novel with Fabio on the cover but to a much more popular degree.

      • Jarv says :

        There’s so many analogies to mormonism in them Koutch. The imprinting, for example, is a big one (that’s in the fourth book. I want to see how they’re going to explain Bella and Edward letting a fully grown werewolf with a boner for their infant daughter babysit).

      • koutchboom says :

        So you think people are going to read Twilight books and become mormans? Sort of like how Droid read Harry Potter and tried for ages to find out Hogwarts application process?

      • Jarv says :


        But no I don’t. I dislike works that (especially ones aimed at a very impressionable age) promote as desirable what is, basically, very fucking shady.

        I’d be astounded if any girl experiencing that first moistening of her nether regions to Twilight converted to mormonism on the back of that appalingly written shit.

        What I find plain disturbing are when adults follow it so avidly. It’s SHITE for fuck’s sake.

      • Droid says :

        Here’s a tip. Hogwarts doesn’t actually exist! It pissed me off when I finally figured that out. Four years of intense study trying to figure out the rules to Quidditch, and thousands spent on wizarding paraphanelia; All down the drain! Not to mention this dirty great scar I very painfully carved into my forehead, or the fact that I’d only just taught my fucking owl to send and retrieve mail when I found out. What a waste of time!

      • koutchboom says :

        Hahahah whats the movie were some dude cuts his face in front of a mirror?

        Also the Owl thing actually did happen, aren’t there wild life reservations now all over England for owls since tons of dumb parents bought them for their dumber children?

  3. Bartleby says :

    that link is pretty funny. Although, I think one of two things, either the site is embellishing some of what happens, or its worse in the books.

    For instance,Jake, although behaving plenty creepy , doesn’t try to rape Bella. He kisses her, yes, but that’s it.

    My problem is that he keeps justifying his behavior When a similar isntance happened late in the game on that other vampire show Ive already mentioned, the perpetrator, who was straight trying to rape the heroine, was rebuffed and forced to address the issue he was essentially a monster. And yes, she was leading him on in that instance too. It DINDNT matter.

    While it’s pointed out Jake shouldnt have done it, he keeps pushing in different ways and gets that kiss, given freely, for his reward. Not for being heroic or forthright, but because he kept pushing long after the girl said ‘no’.

    It;s insidous, and less blatant, but its still there.

  4. Jarv says :

    Far more importantly: Boogens review published.


  5. Bartleby says :

    Jarv, you twit! Don reads these boards. You know that. I predict by day’s end, there will be an announcement. Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart in a remake of The Boogens, directed by MCG. Except now, Boogens will look like this: The Boogenz

  6. koutchboom says :

    Watched Last House On the Left remake last night. I got HBO for free all of the sudden at least for the next week. Maybe I’ll do a my week with HBO.

    But it was ok, whats funny is that its not as gory/fucked up as the original.

    Also I was listening to the score and thinking HRMMMM that shit all sounds familiar……


    • Droid says :

      Did you watch the Unrated version? I’ve only seen that, and while it’s not that gory, it’s brutal, sadistic, ugly voyeurism. The rape scene is ridiculous. It goes for about 15 fucking minutes. What a load of shit that flick is.

      And I still don’t get why they played around with the timeline at the end. Why not just play out the microwave scene in sequence?

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah I didn’t get that with the microwave. See I thought the microwave was the next day. The dad is wearing something different and it’s daytime. It didn’t make much sense. So the rape scene is longer? haahhahah jesus. I watched the normal R rated version.

        Have you seen the original? I need to go back and watch it again, but I think in that they actually kill the daughter, also what the parents do is more fucked up, the mom bites one of the guys dick off.

      • Droid says :

        I haven’t seen the original.

        I don’t know if the rape scene is longer in the unrated. But my complaint was that it just kept fucking going long after the point was made.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah it wasn’t 15 minutes in the version I saw. It was fine…. as far as rape scenes go??? I don’t know how to say that without sounding like a weirdo.

      • Jarv says :

        Both films are nauseating. I think the remake, while less hard core, is worse because it’s so fucking redundant, and you can tell they just made it for the rape scene.

      • koutchboom says :

        Really? I thought the rape scene wasn’t much of a factor. I mean since we are talking rape scene I guess if there is a 15 minute version then yeah you are probably right. But what would be the point? To OUTDO Irreversable?

        I didn’t find the new film completely tasteless. It held my attention at least. I agree it was sort of pointless. Also like the last 40 minutes there is maybe a page of dialog. I think it was an attempt to bring that more graphic style of movie the France is making to hollywood for whatever reason. And in that sense it failed.

      • Jarv says :

        The point?

        To make an exploitative TP film to cash in on the craze just before it goes tits up. They couldn’t be arsed to write an orignal one so plumped for a lame remake.

        What gets me is how pointless it is. Completely and utterly redundant as art, commercially (didn’t it flop?), career wise, on every level.

      • koutchboom says :

        It’s not even really TP. Beyond the rape, the other TP aspects are very basic. I think they were trying to make like the most family friendly TP movie you could make, for whatever reason. As far as it being a hit or not, $45 million world wide. I think it was a mild success.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m not phrasing it properly.

        Rape is definitely a subgenre of torture, and that rape was excessive. Droid is right, it isn’t just the length it’s the grubby, voyeuristic way it was shot.

        Aside from that it is TP, but as you say, if you remove the rape scene then it’s vanilla TP. Which makes it pointless. If you leave the rape in then it’s mostly vanilla TP, but with a nasty edge.

        This is why I think they picked LHOTL to remake based on the rape.

      • koutchboom says :

        What was also weird about it was the raper, Garret Dillahunt. I like that actor but even I didn’t buy that he was into what he was doing. Which I guess toned it down for me. He was didn’t come off as a guy who would do that. The original is much more sadastic in that nature. The whole rape was just odd and akward, had should have just taken it out and it been some girl who knew who these murders where so they killed her (or so they thought). Because that was how the movie played out.

        Also it was a big enough hit to remake I Spit On Your Grave. Which looks like a direct sequel to LHOTL remake. I think what makes the originals creepier (both Spit and House) is that for the most part they both take place during the day. These remakes mask everything by the spookyness of night, the whole fact that most of everything in Spit takes place in the day is the most fucked up thing about that movie. Though that movie is more of a joke now, it’s too cheesy to be taken too seriously, the original Last House still holds up.

      • Jarv says :

        Never seen, and will never see, that.

      • koutchboom says :

        You at least need to see the original I Spit On Your Grave Trailer. Its great.

      • Jarv says :

        I actually don’t like films with extended graphic rape and torture in it.

        I get that it’s meant to be empowering (whatever) because she polishes them all off afterwards using her abused sexuality as bait, but no thanks.

        I can honestly live without seeing it. I may do one day but can’t say I’ll go out of my way to find it.

      • Jarv says :

        and massive “d’oh” to me for not reading properly.

        I may see the trailer.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah I’ll find it for you. You just need to hear the voice over guy, there are like 50 version of it. Its funny. Yeah the movie isn’t worth seeing, even just for GORE hounds. Its stupid and cheesy.

  7. Bartleby says :

    koutch is right aobut it being less brtal, messed up than the original. Unless of course, you count the original as being Ingmar Bergman’s Virgin Spring.

    I never liked Wes’ original movie, so I wasnt surprised to find that I despised the remake less, although I never saw the unrated cut.

    Koutch, did you ever see Chaos, the remake of this froma few years back that almost everry critic who reviewed said it was the most vile thing they ever saw? I avoided it.

    • koutchboom says :

      Yeah I’ve seen that, and FUCK I’ve got Virgin Spring at home I should watch that this week as well.

      I don’t remember much about Chaos. It was dumb, man I can’t really remember shit about that movie. OH well probably better off.

      I do remember the extra features that one of Gingertown’s boys was making fun of. Its the director in some morge talking about how fucking badass and hard core he is. That is worth seeing because it’s funny.

    • Continentalop says :

      Wasn’t the director of Chaos a former pro-wrestler?

      • Jarv says :

        Dave “Dickhead” DeFalco.

        Indeed he was.

        I was there that day: “PREPARE YOURSELF FOR A JUGGFUCKLING”

        I laughed about that for weeks. It was Smurph-esque.

      • Continentalop says :

        Oh yes. The famous Jugg Fuckler quote. I believe you guys talked about it before.

        And Dave DeFalco got into a letter writing debate with Ebert if I am not mistaken.

      • Jarv says :

        It was such a farce, mass pwnage.

        The thing is, though, that Chaos is a rip off of LHOTL. Just a really lame one. Dickhead went on and on in the extras about how his next film would “open the doorway to true evil”.

  8. Bartleby says :

    Jarv, sent you a message

  9. Bartleby says :

    koutch, did you read the new twilight review? I tired to be objective as much as possible. I just really dislike these characters though.

  10. Jarv says :

    You know, in the last year we’ve lost Milf, Frank and others. DocP will probably resurface when he feels like it, and lord knows where Frank is.

    Has anyone heard from Milf recently?

    • xiphos0311 says :

      Jarv MILF will be back. He does this once in a while where he drops out of sight for a few months then one day he’ll pop back up says something about being busy and get back to participating.

  11. Bartleby says :

    instrange. just out of pure curiosity, as I was reflecting on all our old comrades, I went back to mymavra to find out it moved to this place:


    • Jarv says :

      No interest in that at all. Weird obsessive place.

    • Jarv says :

      Hmmm. The other thing is that I’ve got to refit the schlock vault page, so I can take off the Mymavra thing.

      Now I know how to get thumbnail hyperlinks on the same line.

      • Continentalop says :

        Hey you did a review at My Mavra for a schlock movie about a killer who wears a skull mask and has a camera mounted on his shoulder, and cuts off his nipples or something. Do you remember that review and what the name of the movie was? I know you hated it.

      • Jarv says :

        That wasn’t me. That was Kloipy, and I’ve forgotten what it was called. It sounded terrible.

        Then Kloipy went temporarily crazy and gave a good review to Martyrs. He seems much better now, though.

      • Continentalop says :

        Found it. Laid to Rest.

        kloipy gave a good review to Martyrs?

      • Jarv says :

        Yeah, though he seems to be much better now.

      • Jarv says :

        Rereading Kloipy’s Brown Bunny review, though, which transcends film criticism and becomes literature. Is fucking hilarious.

      • kloipy says :

        Yeah, I’ll admit my good review to Martyrs, but it was also saying that I just kind of feel why everyone should and would hate it. I just thought it was effective without sinking into TP territory, which I can understand why it’s thought that way, and maybe is. I hated Funny Games though. Thanks for the cheers on the Brown bunny review. I hate that fucking movie

      • kloipy says :

        Conti you actually commented on that laid to rest post I did. I’m so glad to be away from mymavra site. It got insane there at the end

      • Continentalop says :

        I just found your review kloipy and read my comments.

        Side note – that was the first mentioning of Last House on Dead Street. If only you have voiced a stronger warning kloipy so much damage could have been avoided.

  12. lordbronco says :

    Morning fellows.

    he he-Slept through the Japan match-which wasn’t broadcast in the US. Double overtime penalty shootout ending in 5-3 with japan losing-but it sounds like it was good game.

    On a side note: been watching my first ever Premier league match-Arsenal vs Chelsea. Ha ha-it’s quite different than the World Cup matches. people throwing cameras and crap on the field-blinkie-glowie pulsing ads-and as many corporate logos as a nascar race. All hail the South London Samsungs!

    It’s quite odd.

    • Jarv says :


      If you want to know what killed English Football, there’s your answer: The fucking Premiership.

      Totally geared towards money, greedy bastards won’t reduce the number of teams or put in a mid-season break (two things that would greatly help) as this cuts in to their end-of-season cashgrabs tours.

      Fuck the “Big 4” fuck the premiershit and fuck English football, especially top flight English football.

      I’m going happily back to watching English Rugby or Cricket and forgetting Chavball exists until I’m forced by some kind of misplaced patriotism to care again.

      I used to be (about 10 years ago) really passionate about it, but they’ve just completely ruined it for me. I wasn’t even particularly upset when England were dumped out.

      Rant over.

  13. Bartleby says :

    Harry’s twilight review is up. Dear heavenly lord.


    Also, I weas trying to post a comment over there with my review link in it, but couldnt get in. Did I get banned? I havent tried to sign in over there in ages.

    Jarv., read his review. It will make you furious.

  14. Bartleby says :

    read the review. he has to be trolling. either that or nearly dying has driven him from the closet finally.

    • Jarv says :

      Read it. Exactly the same as the Blade 2 shit. He’s just a fat cretin who’s been told he has to write a positive review or his missus won’t lift his lard fold up and rummage around for what passes for his cock any more.

    • lordbronco says :

      Good Lord! Uhhh, i’ve been playing a bit of dragon Age again…Knowles just donned the Armor of Complete Dignity Repulsion. A Heavy Plate Set That’s -5 for the intelligence and wisdom stats, -10 for Charisma. And though the armor can be removed-the st effects are *permenant*. Sheesh…

    • Tom_Bando says :

      I hadda do a two for one deal, nail Harold AND Asslives just because it’s good for ya and it makes sense, too!

  15. Jarv says :

    Droid- Pakistan v Australia at Lords this summer. Are they doing anything with the ticket pricing?

  16. Jarv says :

    Finally leaving work. See you tomorrow.

  17. koutchboom says :

    Hey Conti and fans

    More cool movie posters


    There is a cool inception one in there.

    • Continentalop says :

      I like the Hitchcock ones. Get Carter was pretty damn good too.

      • Bartleby says :

        Conti, when you get a chance, check out the eclipse review. Not sure its up to the snuff of the new moon one, but made a few attempts at wit.

        Also, any thoughts on the noir column?

      • Continentalop says :

        I read the review Bartleby, just didn’t have a chance to post a comment.

        And I was going to try and get you something to start the noir column soon – unfortunately I picked a movie that is too f’ing deep. I think I should start with a simplier films.

        How about we set a deadline of Thursday to get something to you? Deadlines force me to get things done.

      • lordbronco says :

        sent you an e-mail jonah about noir fun.

      • Bartleby says :

        got it Bronco. Will reply when I get back. Off to see Airbender fun. Man, I hope it’s good. I coudl use a fun live action fantasy about now.

  18. lordbronco says :

    Nyyaahhhhhhh—Nyahhhhhhhhh!! Nyahhhhhhhhhhh!!!

    Pepe loses! Ronaldo LOSES!!!! Smack down!!!!

    If you’ve seen any of the birds ronaldo has landed-bloody great!

    • xiphos0311 says :

      Don’t you mean the lady boys?

      • lordbronco says :

        Squealing, posturing Man-Children works as well.


        Whore Sluts?

        I dunno-whatever works for you!

        Viva La Spain!

      • Droid says :

        Yeah, thank fuck Spain knocked out those Portuguese goat fuckers. To be fair they did play pretty well in the first half. But what the fuck was the manager thinking with his substitutions?

        Anyway, some absolute crackers (potentially) of quarter finals.

        Brazil v Holland and Argentina v Germany will hopefully be terrific.

        Oh yeah, and fuck Ronaldo. What an absolute cunt that bloke is.

    • ThereWolf says :

      Poor Ronaldo.

      See him spit toward the camera following him at the end?

      What a guy…

      Preening, Portugese ponce.

    • Tom_Bando says :

      It was the spock ears that did them in. Caused drag.

  19. Droid says :

    Just watched the trailer for HP7. Looks quite good, but really… “the event of a generation”!?!?!?!? No. That’s Walter the Farting Dog starring The Jonas Brothers. Well, for Koutch anyway.

    Also watching the Rango trailer. Looks amusing, but is anyone else getting a Kermit the Frog vibe from the main character?

    • lordbronco says :

      Ughhhh-I’m really worried. I’m a huge Rowling fan-her universe is very well-conceived.

      However HP6, the fucking dipshit director completely ruined the end scene and the overall pacing of the series.

      It’s supposed to be suddenly scary as hell once the kids hit maturity and you realize that the game is being played for keeps.

      Also, fine it’s in 3-D and they split the fucking franchise HP7 into two parts.

      Fucking retarded.

      Here’s my gritty take on it:

      Whileas in the books it is a steady progression of adolescence to maturity predicting the decisions children have to make as they become adults-the movies are exactly the opposite.

      Now children, you can see despicable cash-grabbing Hollywood types and grotesquely overpaid “adults” decide to water down a story that was exactly intended to be brutal as hell to prepare you for the tribulations you will be facing as adults.

      Instead, the producers and the fucking stupid, semi-literate director decide to pander to your perceived demographic’s profitability.

      The trailer looked fine-better than I expected.

      But the final novel does suffer from bloat in the middle section-which is exactly what they are trying to exploit.

      Honestly it’s like the Ministry Of (Hollywood) Magic.

      And the Death-Eaters have bloody won-they are supping with Don Murphy.

      Fucking Voldermorts.


    • koutchboom says :

      That Rango trailer looks awesome, much better then the Pixar stuff. Finally something interesting from gore verbinski.

      Also the new Harrys Potters look really good, much better then the last one and it looks like they filmed it with the lights on this time which will be nice.

  20. Continentalop says :

    Actually a pretty decent World Cup ad:

    • Continentalop says :

      The best though is some wags comment:

      “‘Two world wars and one world cup?’ What is the English team composed of, Russians and Americans?”

      • Jarv says :

        Hmph. Cretin.

        Actually that 1 world cup thing is entirely accurate. England has won more world cups than Germany.

        It’s really pedanty, but GERMANY has never won one.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        Until this year. The Jerries are going full blitzkrieg and roll through all their opponents like they are the French and it’s 1940.

      • Jarv says :

        Not a chance.

        England and Australia are the two sides that they faced that forgot how to defend. They still conceded twice against England.

        They’ll get fucked by the Dutch and Brazil.

      • Jarv says :

        Even if the second wasn’t given.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        I don’t actually care. I wanted to throw the French under the bus, make a Nazi joke and rile you up over the beating the Krauts put on England.

      • Jarv says :

        Not fussed at all about oikball.

        I can go back to caring about proper sport and ignoring it until the next ritual humiliation in 2 years.

        This time was especially bad, but I’d written them off after the Algeria fiasco. (False Bravado notwithstanding- anyway that’s required watching English sport. You should see my 6 Nations predictions which fly in the face of logic and completely ignore what is happening on the pitch)

  21. lordbronco says :

    Right. So i have an idea:

    Sir Jarv is headed into his own World Cup Match tomorrow/today.

    So I propose that we all pick our favorite Jarv quotes and post them as a show of support and solidarity.

    This will show Sir Jarv that we appreciate his time and to wish him good luck!

    I’m not worried at all about his qualifications and his perspicacity-but perhaps you could help with suitably positive reminiscings.

    I volunteer first:

    Jarv quoted today:

    “I actually don’t like films with extended graphic rape and torture (scenes depicted) in it.”

    Hmm-yes, that will have to do for me.

    Who perhaps could help out?

  22. ThereWolf says :

    Kloipy – mymavra.com got “insane” at the end?

    What did I miss?

    • Jarv says :

      It all went a bit tits up and there was a lot of unpleasantness- particularly between Mavra and Herb West.

      One of the reasons why I’m so conscious when it gets a bit hairy here.

      • Continentalop says :

        One of the reasons why I’m so conscious when it gets a bit hairy here.

        Yet you don’t mind calling me a cretin…

      • Jarv says :

        Hush now.

        I can almost see the single tear rolling down your cheek.

        There’s a heated argument/ debate and then there’s a falling out. I try to avoid/ defuse the latter.

        I seem to be very fond of / today.

      • Jarv says :

        and I’m not convinced I did call you a cretin.

        It does, admittedly, sound like something I would call someone that likes The Departed over Infernal Affairs, but I’ve got no recollection of it at all.

      • Jarv says :

        Wait, wait, wait.

        I wasn’t calling you a cretin. I was calling the WAG a cretin. And she will be. Guaranteed.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        but hot, very, very hot and that trumps cretinism until the age of 25. 27 if she is spectacular.

      • Jarv says :

        Droid considers it ideal.

        Admittedly, he’d prefer autism, but will take cretinism for a second prize.

      • Continentalop says :

        Yep, I prefer The Departed over Infernal Affair (I liked both though). But at least I wasn’t dumb enough to see Splice.

        Ok, I apologize for that. That was low.

      • Continentalop says :

        I prefer 26-year old models wearing football helmets and with mattresses strapped to their backs. Just screams “young, hot, dumb and easy.”

      • Jarv says :

        You just wait.

        Seeing splice will involve me being paid a settlement of millions of dollars after Smurph finally comes through with his threat. I’ve got it planned.

      • Droid says :

        But at least I wasn’t dumb enough to see Splice.

        Yes, 2020 hindsight and all that, but honestly… The director of Cube and Cypher + ignorance of the chubmeisters involvement = looking forward to it.

        We all make mistakes.

      • Droid says :

        Droid considers it ideal.

        Admittedly, he’d prefer autism, but will take cretinism for a second prize.

        Maybe I don’t have enough coffee in my system yet, but I don’t even get this comment. Are you implying that I have a thing for attractive autistic chicks?

        What an odd comment.

      • Jarv says :

        Just autistic ones. They don’t even have to be attractive.

      • ThereWolf says :

        Oh, I knew about the bust up. “Insane” suggested something worse.

        Have Herb & Mavra teamed up again for the new site?

      • Jarv says :

        Not that I know of, and I’d be very surprised.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        That would be a big no Wolf.

      • ThereWolf says :

        Right. I wondered coz the post on mymavra to say the site has moved was posted by ‘mavra-chang’ in April.

      • Jarv says :

        Hmmm, well, I said insane because it was all very fraught and unpleasant- from what I can gather. It went far beyond a normal row, and there was some real nastiness to it.

        I would be surprised if she had anything to do with him again.

      • ThereWolf says :

        Yeh, I’d be surprised as well.

        I miss Mavra. Where she be…?

      • Jarv says :

        Reminds me, actually, I should email her.

        She’s got nuptials coming up.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        it went really bad really really bad. The Mavra Chang name is Herb.

      • ThereWolf says :


        Wow, good on yer, Mavs!

        Fred Balls is another one. Anyone seen Fred?

      • Jarv says :

        No, and TKD has been awol for a while as well.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        I sent a email to an address I had for TKD a few weeks ago but it came back as undeliverable.

      • Jarv says :

        He’ll be back at some point. I remember him doing this at AICN as well.

  23. Continentalop says :

    Jarv, recommendation for your Overlooked and Under appreciated series: Hicky & Boggs. Great 1972 hard boiled detective movie starring the “I Spy” duo of Bill Cosby and Robert Culp, directed by Culp, and written by Walter Hill. And has early performances by James Woods and Michael Moriarty (and Ah-nold was supposed to be in it).

    • Jarv says :

      Oooh. That sounds good. I shall get my hands on it.

      I forgot to get pictures of Hardcore for the underrated for today at home, and I daren’t search that out here. There isn’t that much nudity, but a search for something called Hardcore will set alarm bells ringing.

      • Continentalop says :

        Hey, how long does it take you to write a review?

      • Jarv says :

        Depends on the review.

        The Cronenberg ones take a couple of hours, but the schlocky ones I can toss off in about 45 minutes.

      • Continentalop says :

        Fuck am i slow. I’m supposed to write something for Bartleby and I’m turning into a fucking epic.

        From now on no more great classics. Just schlock or disposable b-movies.

      • Jarv says :

        Don’t forget, though, that I write crap for a living- so to be able to write about something I’m enthusiastic about is faster (or venting spleen).

        I’m doing Run Lola Run for Jonah this week.

      • Droid says :

        You toss off for 45 minutes to schlock? Your ability to sink even lower in my estimations is frightening.

      • Jarv says :


        I think we’ve found the reason for your attraction to autistics and children: They’re the only ones down on your level.

      • Droid says :


        You’re now accusing me of preying on children!?

        These accusations just get stranger and stranger.

      • Jarv says :

        Are you feeling OK? Were you out on the piss last night?

        Seriously, go and get some coffee.

  24. Jarv says :

    If you want to know why England failed:

    I hate England and the fucking people!

    Ashley Cole. Sent on a text message while waiting to depart for South Africa.

    No pride in the shirt, no heart, nothing. What a group of self-indulged cunts.

    • Droid says :

      He’s just saying what we’re all thinking.

      • Jarv says :

        I expect it from you, Aussie, but he’s meant to be playing for England.

        For fuck’s sake- it’s an honour to represent your country. If you feel like that, don’t. Let someone that gives a fuck do it.

    • xiphos0311 says :

      Is the that the same Ashly Cole that is running around on his hot wife with a hotter football slattern? i remember reading something about him in one of the tabloids. He didn’t play for England?

    • ThereWolf says :

      The cunt should go back to sticking mobile phones up his arse.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        What now? he stuck a cell phone in his ass, why? Was he doing time?

      • ThereWolf says :

        He was alleged to have used a mobile phone as a “gay sex toy”.

        These rumours were vehemently refuted. And the pictures were too “pixellated” to identify him.

        So it definitely couldn’t have been him.


      • Jarv says :


        Ashley Cole is exactly the type of human being that you fucking hate. He’s a wife beating scumbag with delusions of grandeur and an overinflated sense of his own importance

  25. M. Blitz says :

    Can’t wait for this week to be over with. Seriously. I haven’t even had time to read y’all’s reviews…

  26. Jarv says :

    Going for a smoke.

    Jonah- sent you the RLR review.

  27. Jarv says :


    All by myself again. Bored.

    • Continentalop says :

      Sorry. I’ve got to go to bed. But before I do one more suggestion for you: Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane.

    • Droid says :

      Loads of work to do.

    • xiphos0311 says :

      Sorry. was sending emails and took a short walk.

    • Tom_Bando says :

      So Jarv-what DID wind up happening w/ all those lovely little interviews/torture sessions you hadda go thru last week? Still gainfully employed?

      • Jarv says :

        I was meant to hear today, but because of one staff member’s psychotic breakdown (and I’m really not joking- the bitch has landed me right in the brown stuff here in terms of workload) they can’t tell us until next week.

      • Tom_Bando says :

        Good luck on all that. Here’s hoping you wind up being able to write Boogens reviews whilst being paid a stoopid amount to do it, too!

      • xiphos0311 says :

        did the let you know when approximately next week they will let you know? Or are they going to let you twist in the wind?

      • Tom_Bando says :

        Speaking of Bill Cosby, I have a clear memory of seeing something he did w/ Dick Van Dyke, hadda be the 70’s. Van Dyke had a beard, and Cosby was hiding in a Barrel(?) no I’m not making this up. Always caught this movie halfways thru. It wasn’t bad from what I could tell-ring any bells?

      • Jarv says :

        Twisting in the wind.

        Honestly, if this bitch hadn’t flipped out then I’d know. They’re trying to avoid a tribunal with her I reckon.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        A tribunal? are they going to rendition that nutty broad?

      • Jarv says :

        No, they think she’s going to sue if she gets made redundant.

        Fact is, though, that they wanted her out anyhow, because she’s nuts.

  28. Droid says :

    Jarv, have located a deal for the test. 2 tickets for £60, plus their bullshit £5 booking fee. So £32.50 each. They are usually £47.50 each (inc. BF).

    We’d have to take a day off work because day 5 is the saturday.

  29. Jarv says :

    Italian bird is wearing the most grossly inappropriate dress that I’ve ever seen.

    It’s aces. Fuck me she’s hot.

    • Jarv says :

      We need more?


      • xiphos0311 says :

        It’s the final coffin nail.

      • Jarv says :

        Actually, this is something I’ve been meaning to ask you- because you’re the only person I know with military experience.

        What’s your opinion about women in the front line?

      • xiphos0311 says :

        It depends on how you mean it. Like carrying a ruck and fighting? That is a stupendously bad idea.

        doing other jobs is a slightly less bad idea. A majority of women aren’t really on the front lines per se. They mostly just sort of visit then leave.

        If you are a reporter asking this question I would would parrot the official position that we are marines doing an important job in a mono tone voice with zero facial expression.

      • Jarv says :

        Dunno. It’s just a question bandied about in the press a lot. I always thought they meant fighting.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        thing is in this current state of affairs there really isn’t a “front” line in Afganistan it’s really just everywhere. most females are located in the big bases or around the cities. They may move up to an FOB for a specific purpose but they aren’t stationed there.

        If a Female is attached to a Psyops(or whatever they are called this week) or a Civilian affairs unit they might spend time away from the big bases but it’s more in the nature of a day trip or maybe overnight at most. Yes they carry weapons but most haven’t had to fire them.

        A large percentage of people overseas in combat deployments never fire their weapons in anger at all male or female. There are more support troops then combat troops.

  30. Jarv says :

    Aussies are 55-1.

    Watson steaming along again.

  31. Bartleby says :

    Morning guys,

    How goes it? Looks I missed a bit of stuff.

    There, regarding Mavra, she’s been gone for quite some time from that site—in fact when I got around to questioning things last August—she had already departed. Herb just kept using the same sign-in name. Im usually up for being diplomatic,but Herb is an egomanaical nutjob. Instead of getting into a pissing contest with him, I got in touch with Jarv and Droid and started gathering up everyone and bringing them over here. It’s worked out quite well for everyone on this end, I think.

    Last I talked to Mavs, she was doing well and planning a wedding. That’s been a few months. Like Jarv said, I need to shoot her an email.

    Shyamalan’s new one is a bust, predictably. At least it’s not as embarassing as LIW or The Happening. It’s sort of fun in the same ways a bad 80s movie is fun, like Solar Babies. Strangely, the fantasy stuff he is fine with, but the writing and the directing of actors is terrible. Some of the younger people are literally choking on their lines on screen and he’s not requiring a second take. Like I said, I enjoyed this, but probably not always in the ways intended. It isn’t a good movie. I did enjoy the special effects, which is something I’m usually just immune to these days. These were quite nice.

    Xi, regarding why the twiglets are hiding from you: they aren’t. They just don’t know the article exists. I need to get some better promotional skills or something. I don’t have access to the socialnetworking sites during the day and am usually busy in the evening. The reason it was so big last time was WordPress used to pick up my articles and put them on the main page. The combination of a topic as volatile as Twilight and being on the wordpress frontpage for the whole weekend resulted in those 7,000 extra hits and 380 comments. Unless someone grabs the article and posts a link or something, don’t expect the tweenlighters to come out to play. If they do, however, blood in the water and what not. You might just have to wait for google to catch up, unless someone knows of a better way to publicize these things.

    Also, put up two under-the-radar movie reviews. Check them out if you can, as I think the Vampire Diary one is a better example of my writing. Jarv, you in particular, would probably be intererested in that movie:


    Also, The Silence of Lorna or Lorna’s Silence:


    • Jarv says :

      How do you get on the front page of wordpress?

      • Bartleby says :

        If you time articles for publication on the morning (our time here, like right now it’s 9:33, and I’s say anytime between 8:30 am and 10 am is good) they choose the new ones, you have a good shot at it. On Fridays they would change it, and then again on Tuesdays I think. So, I’d wait, and publish a brand new fresh movie review (like Twilight or something) or something odd but relevant in that time slot. They picked me up three different times, and I only became aware of it in November and stopped writing for that venue in January, so 3 is pretty good, considering. None was ever as good as the Twilight fiasco though, they just came pouring in.

        What I’d suggest is hold something novel, unique, or fresh—a review or even an editorial—maybe on why Twilight is harmful—until that time slot and then publish it.

        I mean, they are reading the articles, but the content here is good enough I see no reason why they wouldn’t put it up there. Just make sure it’s not Koutch’s review of Barbie Princesses 3 DTV or something.

      • koutchboom says :

        Just make sure it’s not Koutch’s review of Barbie Princesses 3 DTV or something.

        Oh fuck off we all know I review only films that matter. I find the shit you need to see. With that, where do we all stand on seeing The Rocket? That includes both Xi and Conti.

        It is my goal this year to help all of you grow as men by making sure you see The Rocket.


      • Jarv says :

        How do you find out if you’ve ever had anything on the front page?

      • Jarv says :

        It’s prioritied at Lovefilm so should come soon.

        Aren’t you the man that reviewed Alvin and the Chipmunks?


        Although it is thanks to you that I saw Mirageman

      • koutchboom says :

        MIRAGEMAN FOR THE WIN!!!! I should buy that film.

    • xiphos0311 says :

      I know that Jonah I just figured if somehow a twatlighter found the review they would get pissed.

      • Bartleby says :

        twiglets don’t need any other reason to get pissed than seeing that their movie got thumbs down. I will say, they seem a bit less rabid this time out. My guess is that with the franchise being so big, and for their purposes, the movie being as good as it needs to be, they are feeling less self conscious on things.

        Mori made a good point. Better angry tweenlighters than Whedon fans ready to rake you over the coals for a ‘positive’ review

      • xiphos0311 says :

        Why would the Whedon heads get angry over a positive review?

      • Jarv says :

        They’re angry about everything.

      • Bartleby says :

        I think, Xi, because they feel like they have to help their man out since he can’t seem to keep anything on the air. They become like emissaries for him or something, and won’t accept people ignoring or not recognizing their master’s full brilliance.

        I think what Drew and others are commenting on is the insane douchiness that came when Serenity came out. I distinctly remember a review at a site that was a 4.5 out of 5 review for Serenity (at least a half a star, or maybe a whole star, too high in my opinion) and they actually showed up and started haggling with the guy how he was purposely hording the other half a star to justify George Lucas or something ridiculous. They attacked him like he’d given it a single star or something.

      • Jarv says :

        Alternative theory:

        None of them have ever actually seen a naked chick, and need to vent their frustrations as the RSI is ruining what passes for their sex-life.

        And Serenity is a 1.5 Chang film. They can blow me.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        4.5 was way to high for Serenity. it was OK but that was it.

        A couple of month ago i hauled out the TV show and found I didn’t like it as much as I did in like 05.

        The Whedonites are truly delusional numb nuts.

      • Droid says :

        Serenity was a 2 chang flick for me. I never watched the tv show.

      • Bartleby says :

        Yea, what I meant was it should havbe been a 3 star or at most 3.5 star review, not 4 3.5 or 4. Seemed to make sense when I wrote it. Anyway, I liked it wel lenough, but it wasnt the second coming, and in my opinion, if you were a fan of the series it was actually worse, because he just willy nilly destroyed characters like a petulant child.

        He has talent, but hes also too much of a modern geek to really step out of the niche mode.

    • Jarv says :

      Oh and what was the fishpunching like?

  32. Bartleby says :

    why is my comment awaiting moderation?

  33. xiphos0311 says :

    Maybe the twatlighters know something we don’t.


    • Jarv says :

      Yup, they do.


      • xiphos0311 says :

        Bony Eddie Cullen ran in front of her car he was all sparkly it was very distracting.

      • Jarv says :

        Was Koutch driving?

      • koutchboom says :

        Says the man who walks every where.

      • xiphos0311 says :


      • Jarv says :

        It was more the swerve out of the way of the sparkly calvin klein model I was referring to.

      • Droid says :

        Koutch, you should know better than most that you have no use for a car in London.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah I know, but not owning a car and being a good driver is just fucking UnAmerican.

        Actually my fucking tire went flat yesterday. Great fucking thing to come out to in the parking lot after staying over and hour and a half. FUCK that sucked, and my dumbass parked the car on sort of an incline and the car come off the jack twice while I was changing the tire. Luckily the flat was still barely on so nothing got fucked up. Then going to the shop this morning thinking my tires will still be covered under warranty and they gave me some bull shit about since my alignment was off that that was the reason my tread got destroyed, so it wasn’t the tires fault and I had to throw down a lot more money then I have to fucking get TWO new tires since the other side was about to go. FUCK cars really, if I could take the chube everywhere I would as well.

      • Droid says :

        It’s the same with Australia (and probably most places in England other than London). It’s almosty impossible to live without a car.

  34. Jarv says :

    If you convicts manage to lose from here, you should be ashamed of yourselves. It’ll take either an epic batting (England-esque) batting collapse or a dismal bowling effort.

    • Droid says :

      They need to go on with it and try to get to 300. Unlikely, but a score of 270-280 would be pretty difficult to chase down even with our mediocre bowling attack.

  35. Droid says :

    Jonah, I’ve written the Blade review. Just need to send it to you when I get home. Not sure if you’ve moved onto 99 yet, but just been too busy to write anything for the past week pretty much. Hence zero reviews for here.

  36. kloipy says :

    Regarding the Mymavra stuff, it partially got insane on my end as herb would email and talk to me constantly about how to make it big and such and I came there, as I come here, to just talk to my friends and bullshit about movies and such. He took it way too seriously and then I noticed that no one was posting anymore so I found the AICN link where people told me what was going on (as I was in the dark) and then found this site and the rest is history

    • Droid says :

      C’mon mate. You want to make it big, don’t you? Good. Because I’m going to spam your inbox with all my brilliant, proven methods for making it big.

      But I’ll get you started…

      1. Buy yourself a white bronco. Wait for your friend to murder his ex-wife. Offer to help him escape.

      2. Suck the Presidents dick. Keep the semen (important!).

      3. Cheat on, then beat your wife until she cuts your cock off. Get it sewn back on. Make a porno.

      • kloipy says :

        Droid, i’m going for famous not infamous

      • Droid says :

        kloipy, do you want a feature article on that Perez Hilton blokes website or not? Now shut up, take my advice and do what I say!


      • kloipy says :

        he just turned something that should have been fun like this into something like wanting to be the next Harry Knowles. Why you would want that is beyond me.

    • Jarv says :

      How the fuck does Herb know how to make it big?

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah I don’t think this site will ever have the issue Mavra did. Not one of us is some controlling overlord of the whole thing. I mean jarv does most of the technical stuff, but we all have the option to. We run a pretty democratic site. Other then Frank just up and leaving I don’t think anyone else would do that. Not without good reason. I know I wouldn’t I don’t mind bickering, usually its fun.

  37. kloipy says :

    also if anyone wants to post something today go ahead, I haven’t had time to write yet

  38. koutchboom says :

    Man I half thought that the new Twilight wasn’t going to be AS big, just cause I don’t see as much hoopla about it. I think it will have a huge opening then a fast death. Also just doesn’t feel like a SUMMER movie. It’s all dark and set in the north, feels like a winter movie.

    Plus the haters have given up, I think people just realize it’s unstoppable and just don’t really care any more.

  39. koutchboom says :

    Yeah I’ve had a hell of a past week and haven’t really been able to watch much/write anything. I DID however make My Buckaroo Banzai poster


    for the Design Challenge


    NOW YOU MAKE ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do it its a lot of fun. I may make another one because I’m not completely happy with the one I made.

    • Bartleby says :

      Koutch, godzilla?

      Droid, Blade? Just curious. Lately, Ive been not getting some of the emails peopel have sent.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah yeah Yeah i know I know. I just had a great idea on how to review it on my drive to work. Now that I’m inspired I’ll watch it tonight. FUCKING reality shows my wife likes to still watch that I gave up on sometime last year, taking up all my time.

      • Droid says :

        Read my post about three posts up, mate.

  40. Droid says :

    Clarke is stuck on 99 n/o. what’s up with Steven Smith just belting 4’s? Get a single so he can get his hundred you bastard!

    290 is a good total.

    • Jarv says :

      Steven Smith- what, the ENGLISH player in the Aussie side….

      Actually, 290 should be a winning total, even with your relatively week bowling line up.

      • Droid says :

        What the fuck are you crapping on about? He was born in Sydney you fucker. You know, Sydney AUSTRALIA. The place with that weird shaped building, the bridge and the gays.

        His mother is english. Is that what constitutes an english person now? Oh, yes, of course it does. Thats how all the Saffa’s play for the England cricket team.

      • Droid says :

        hmmm… The silence is deafening!


    • Jarv says :

      Social worker says to a little girl: “Do you want to live with your mummy?”

      “No” says the girl, “she beats me”.

      “So, do you want to live with your daddy?”

      “No, he beats me too”

      “Who, do you want to live with then?”

      “The Australian cricket team, they don’t beat anybody”

      That’s a pretty weak joke from the guardian, and they should be bloody careful, as England look in bad shape here, and you could quite easily substitute in “England football team” into the punchline of that.

  41. lordbronco says :

    Morning gents.

    Yikes-I had a panic attack myself-but then I read the schedule-Next World Cup Round is Jul 2-I thought they were skipping the Ned vs Bra game-which should be epic.

    Jarv-sorry to hear about the continued work drama. My positive take on it is if a co-worker melts down and you are the one they turn to, that is a good sign. Still, dreadful stuff.

    I myself am on pins and needles-I ordered a very special something from very, very far away-and it should arrive this week. It took years to research where to purchase one of these things, and I went ahead and splurged. I’m very excited.

    Still hal-assedly upgrading *all* the computers in the household-so i just got Office 97 Pro up and running on one of 3 machines.

    Resident Evil 5’s control scheme is still driving me crazy-it’s really reducing the fun f the game-which has been one half annoying and one half boring.

    That is all.

  42. kloipy says :

    Antichrist review up

  43. Droid says :

    Right. Off. No World Cup tonight? What to do, what to do!?

    Have a good one ladies and germs.


  44. Bartleby says :

    Droid, I see the comment on Blade now. Sorry bout that. Hard to always keep up with whats been posted elsewhere. Im not moving on to 99 til you guys have your reviews in. I’d rather have the content up, and the go into 99. If the summer series stretches beyond, that’s fine, I’ll just switch it over to the years in general, regardless of season.

    Thanks again, both of you guys, I appreciate it.

    Koutch, I hope your brilliant way to review it involves getting roland emmerich on a conference call with Maria Polito, both of them completely drunk, and then mention how big and great you think the movie is, and how you can’t wait for it to get released so everyone involved becomes mega stars and recognized by the Academy, etc, etc.

    Koutch, you may have mentioned this elsewhere, but do you want to me throw the Rocket review up over at PCN too?

  45. Bartleby says :

    Sure, just send it to me, let me know. I can schedule it for tomorrow I think. Only have Airbender and Everlasting Moments reviews going up.

    Did you see the Thicker than Water review Koutch?

    • koutchboom says :

      Yeah I need to read these reviews at home. I’m too busy at work this week to really fucking read and retain anything outside of work.

  46. Droid says :

    Jonah. Blade review is sent.

    • Bartleby says :

      Good review Droid, just looked it over. Should have it up soon. Man, Blade really was the start of all this, and not just this, but the whole sleek, neo-punk action stuff that followed. I remember seeing Matrix about a half a year later and thinking, they took the Blade formula and expanded it. It’s funny because once you had seen Blade and Dark City, to my eyes, The Matrix looked like it was late to the party. I still like it, but I’m not sure I honestly enjoy it as much as either of those others. Blade II was good, but I don’t agree with the consensus that it’s the better movie.

      The only really poor part of the movie is some of the vampire blood explosion effects later in the game, that and **SPOILER**Blade recognizing the mother who supposedly died when he was a newborn**SPOILER**.

      Also, that opening scene in the club was the bravura scene of the entire summer. That was great filmmaking. It made you feel uneasy, and then, boom, there he is standing in their midst, and the crap hits the fan. It has a gritty, grimy, almost 1970’s feel to it. Unfortunate that Norrington burned out so early on.

      • koutchboom says :

        NORRINGTON IS NOT DONE!!! And whatever I liked LXG, fuck the comic it was goofy fun.

      • Bartleby says :


        I understand he has the upcoming Crow movie, but that isn’t exactly a vote of confidence or a sure thing. The last Crow movie to even come to the theater was City of Angels, and that was disasterous. Yes, this looks like a reboot, but I’m not convinced one silly remake in the past 7 years, after only four movies is enough to hail his return. Regardless of what you thought of LXG, it wiped him out as a viable director for several reasons. For one, he sounds like he went a bit nuts, and instead of regrouping and putting something smaller together to show he could do it, he didn’t. He disappeared.

        So, while he might come back, I think citing him as ‘done’ isn’t a stretch of the imagination.

        Unfortunately, I also happen to think LXG was a pretty bad movie, and that it should have been fun but wasn’t. I haven’t read the comics either. I was going off the promise the film set up in the beginning, and then failed to meet. I don’t know as this one is really Norrington’s fault though. I really like the opening with the flaming blimp, and the scene in Africa with Connery fending off the attackers in the club. The rest of it is just a massive jumble.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah Norrington is a bit of a nut job. Your right he shouldn’t dick around with The Crow. He should probably stick to comic book movies, he could maybe reboot Daredevil or Ghost Rider very well though.

      • Droid says :

        The problem with League is that it wasn’t even remotely “fun”. It was loud, stupid, boring and crap.

        I think Norrington can still make a comeback, but he just needs to do something smaller. Breck Eisner got lambasted for Sahara (fuck you, i like it), and he did well with The Crazies. He needs to do something like that.

  47. Bartleby says :

    Thanks Droid. It’s funny, once I put this up, that will be four vampire reviews on the featured category. It’s funny, because a relative accused me of writing nothing but vampire reviews and thats why he didnt read the site. Ironically, up until that point, the only vamp reviews I hads written were the two you see on the site right now–New Moon and Thicker than Water. Maybe I’ll rummage about, see if I cant find my old Thirst review or something and make everything vampires and send the link to him.

  48. Bartleby says :

    best search of the day at PCN:
    sci fi movies of woman has to consumate

  49. Bartleby says :

    also nice inclusion of blaming Don Murphy for stuff. I feel like we should have a game called The 2 degrees of Don Murphy, where you can tie every cinematic tragedy to Don Murphy in two connections.

    • kloipy says :

      I’ve got one
      Salo starred people eating shit
      Don murphy is shit

      • Droid says :

        I’ve got one…

        The Human Centipede was about a persons mouth surgically attached to someones asshole.

        Don Murphy: Hollywood Bigshot is the first person. The audience is the second.

      • Droid says :


        Anyone with talent is the first person. Don Murphy is the second.

        Take your pick.

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