Just Pillow Talk’s Marvel Movie Mayhem continues with a 2 for 1 special!
Exactly what the title says. This time our intrepid reviewer has decided to take on 2 of the recent and shitty comic book adaptations being nut rubbed by the nerds, met with indifference by the general public while boring the arse off me.
Sadly, they’re not Ghost Rider 2. Although I am deeply troubled by his worrying Ex-Mrs. Martin obsession. Still, she seems to have had a conscious uncoupling from the Iron Man films now, so he’ll have to watch her try to act to get his fix.
Apologies for the late posting of this, I’ve had it for a while, but been buried under real life stuff. Nevertheless, Take it away Pillows…
2 for 1 Special!
Thor 2 & Iron Man 3
Early in my career at my current employer, there was a high turnover rate in my department. During that time, one of the contractors that passed through was named Beth. Beth the horse lady. Beth, in case you didn’t guess, loved horses. Alas for Beth, though she loved to ride them, she couldn’t stay in the damn saddle. Beth fell off and smashed her jaw. But did Beth let that one fall stop her? Hell no. She got back on that horse and fucked up her jaw again by falling. Me and Beth…we’re the same. Hence, more of these God forsaken Marvel reviews.
We begin our continuing adventures of Thor in the past, with a battle between the Asgardians and some Elves, who I guess are worse that watching Bloom act as an elf. Odin’s father defeats those dastardly elves, but alas their leader Melvin (begins with M, fuck knows what his real name is and I get be bothered to look it up) and some of his other cohorts escape. They have some powerful weapon that shoots shitty red CGI at people which is locked away. Fast forward to present day, which is two years after Thor first made his appearance with Jane (Natalie Portman reprising her role, with even less interest this go-around), and Thor is busy cleaning up the Nine realms. Now, I saw this film a while ago (delaying the inevitable review), but I believe it’s because that bridge was destroyed in the first film that chaos has reigned across the universe. I could be completely wrong on this.
Jane ends up discovering the bad red CGI thingy and gets infected, charging herself with power. Thor, with help from Prometheus captain, zips over to Earth to locate Jane after she goes missing after slipping into another dimension. After Jane displays some power that clearly she didn’t have before, Thor decides to bring back to Asgard to have his peeps take a look at her and hopefully make her better. Odin is not happy with that decision, and even less so when Melvin tracks down Jane and the power source to Asgard and attacks, killing Thor’s mom in the process.
Thor decides, against Odin’s wishes, to take Jane away from Asgard to lure Melvin as bait. The kicker is that Thor ends up needing Loki’s help to defeat Melvin, who has been locked up for bringing those aliens to Earth. I’m not sure why they want to lock him up because he’s one of the two only interesting characters in this damn movie (Thor being the other). Suffice to say, we go through the motions of yet another uninteresting bad guy doing his thing before being beaten at the end by our good guy. Of course, there never really seems to be a real threat. That seems to be a common thread in these Marvel movies: the lack of any dramatic tension. Unlike the Batman flicks, which I think succeeded quite well in creating tension, this movie just runs through the motions.
The only time I really dug this movie was when Thor and Loki busted out from Asgard to take as their interaction is by far the best thing. I do have to give some props to Rene Russo, who actually had a cool little part. Anthony Hopkins reprises his role as Odin, and he is, frankly, horrible. He clearly had no interest in being part of this movie and it shows. I was taken aback on his mono-toned, disinterested monologue talking about Melvin. Thor’s gang of warriors are back and are equally worthless. Bonus: we get horrific comedy from Jane’s partners in crime, Darcy (Kat Dennings) and Erik (Stellan Starsgard, who is without pants for much of the proceedings). What these Marvel movies have a hard time getting right are the villains. They are vanilla, whose plans are shit and character development are even worse. As a result, our heroes never feel like they are really threatened, nor does it seem like a real struggle for them to overcome the villains’ plans. As I type this, a real comic book movie is on, Batman Begins. The acting, characters, tension, are all far superior. Sure, Thor 2 has some decent action, but there’s no oomph behind it. All of it seems like going through the motions.
Shocking, but I could not recommend this movie. Besides Chris Hemsworth and Tom Hiddleston, the rest of the cast is little more than taking up space. The action, while slightly better than the original, is offset by some poor acting and horrible “comedy”. I am being overly generous and giving it one Legolas head out of four.
It’s only because of Iron Man 3 that this seems better than it is.
Iron Man 3
Sigh. RDJ is back as the now dancing, calling little kids who help you a pussy, hardly in his armor, Tony Stark aka Iron Man. Seems Tony has trouble sleeping and gets these little panic attacks thanks to that Alien business from Avengers. To get his mind off of it, he’s been building some new suits. Meanwhile Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) has a meeting with Guy Pierce who wants some funding for some project. She rejects him and Happy (Jon Favreau) doesn’t like the looks of him or his lackey who accompanied him. Happy ends up tracking the lackey to a meeting with some other dude where a brief case is exchanged. Things happen, dude turns all red lava like and he blows up, severely injuring Happy. Turns out there is some link to the Mandarin, a terrorist who is threatening the U.S. That pisses off Tony and on camera, gives his home address and challenges the Mandarin. We all know that the Mandarin would have never been able to find out where Tony Stark lives if he didn’t give out his address on TV. Well, Tony gets attacked and his house gets blown up and he gets tossed into the sea. Everyone thinks he’s dead, but he manages to escape.
This leads him to Tennessee (at least run on the checkered end zone if you have to be there) to track down a lead of a potential lava man. His new armor isn’t quite up to par, so he’s got to lug it to a place where some kid lives, and comedic banter ensues including calling the kid a pussy as mentioned before. This is constitutes a Marvel hero? Whatever. At the end of the day, Iron Men prevails over Guy and his lava group of henchmen. Yup, Iron Men. All 383 suits that Tony created converge in the finale to find the bad guys. See, Tony is hardly ever in the damn suit. Gwyneth is in the suit nearly as much as Tony. Well, that’s not true, but the fact that she’s even in the suit is beyond stupid.
This movie sucks. A lot. It boils down to a couple of things. One, Robert Downey Jr. is crap in this. See, he was good in the first one, but now by the third, it’s a mockery of what a hero should be. He quite simply is a douche bag to everyone, supposedly in a funny way. If he was going to be a douche bag, why not go the route of the comics and have him be an alcoholic? That would be a natural progression considering the events of the Avengers that are still haunting him, and would enable a good character arc transforming him to hero again. Of course, there are no serious themes in these Marvel movies, so why am I even bothering? Second, having a kid in this movie, in most action type movies, is a grand mistake. The interaction between them, meant to be funny, is not. Third, yet again we have a boring villain. There never seems to be any menace, nothing of substance to either the character itself or the acting. I tend to think it’s really the writing that lets all these actors down. Fourth, when Tony Stark is an asshole, why the hell do I want to see more of him than Iron Man? Mistake.
The action itself was fine, if hollow, because of the lack of giving two shits about what would happen to any character. I mean, when Pepper falls I’m thinking, lucky you for getting your ass out of this quickly turned to shit series. But they can’t even follow through on that. Happy being in a coma…who cares. And I haven’t even mentioned the character/performance of Ben Kingsley. For the love of Belgian beer, what the hell was that? If I remember correctly, the Mandarin was a serious foe for Iron Man, and to turn him into….that? I just shake my head at this movie. RDJ and Iron Man…I am so done with you. So is Gwyneth.
Of course until Avengers 2 that is. Curse you. I give this ½ zifandel bottle out of four. I fucking hate zifandel and GR2 has got to be much worse than this.
I apologize for the shortness of these reviews, but these movies are soulless steaming piles of donkey poop.