Alien Hunter (2003)


Director: Ron Krauss

Starring: James Spader, Janine Eser, John Lynch

Hello, I’m not dead! I’ve managed to clamber free of the dole-drums for a minute in a probably futile effort to resurrect this ailing Sciffy series. I’m well out of writing (and film watching) practice and it might show – so apologies. May contain a very brief, barely noticeable reference to The Thing and lots of spoilers…


Prologue alert; the year is 1947, an object of unknown origin falls out of the sky near Area 51 and I’ll tell you what, Rex doesn’t much like it. Woof! Before you can say ‘hey buddy, did you just see a real bright light’, we’re into present day Antarctica, Outpost 31… no, wait, it’s Axxon Resource Studies (ARS for short). They’ve found something (‘found something… found something…’) buried in the ice and you can tell it’s important because of all the mathematical jumbo-mumbo everyone starts spuming; it’s like the buggers’ve all been contaminated by an infectious abacus. Enter Julian Rome (James Spader), currently a teacher (with a penchant for porking the female student body) but more crucially, ex-SETI. Why crucial? It seems Julian Rome has friends in cold places – well a mate of his boss anyway, John Bachman (Roy Dotrice) – a Russkie scientist in need of some specific alien hunting expertise. See, inside the block of ice is an object and it’s transmitting a signal. Is the message for them or is it some kind of extraterrestrial black box device? Certainly, it might be prudent to first work out exactly what the signal is before taking a pneumatic drill to the twat… Oh. That’ll be too late then.

"Perfect. Now we just need a giant vat of vodka."

“Perfect. Now we just need a giant vat of vodka.”

By a moderately startling coincidence Julian Rome’s ex-ladyfriend Kate Brecher (Janine Eser) works for ARS and she’s instantly on his case about the chick who met him at the elevator platform, Nyla (Leslie Stefanson). Did I just say ‘works for ARS’? Nasty. Kate is utterly convinced that before this trip is over Julian Rome will nail not only Nyla, but the other two ladies working here as well. It’s all rather tense and embarrassing and I want to leave the room till they’re done bickering. Nonetheless, I think it possible Kate still fancies him. Mind you, Nyla does seem keen, turning up at his quarters in a skimpy vest (even though she is clearly able to manage a jumpsuit orthodoxly in the very next scene) and later, offers to get in a shower with him, an offer Julian Rome politely declines because I think he’s beginning to realise that Kate completes him. Nyla also announces she likes to work in the nuddy but then patently does not work in the nuddy. We have Dr. Brecher to thank for that apparently, for she has cancelled all nuddity at the facility. Envious of their perfect new start, Nyla stabs Kate in the face with a swordfish snout and hangs Julian Rome up by his anus from a meat hook. The U.S. authorities order a nuclear strike on the outpost in order to stop mad angry Nyla from destroying the planet in a jealous rage of mad angriness. Everyone forgets about the aliens. Not everything in that paragraph happens.

New from Gilette - shaves closer than an enraged Commanche

New from Gilette – shaves closer than an enraged Commanche

Team leader Alexei Nicknackpaddywackanov (Nikolai Binev) hasn’t informed paymaster NASA about the mysteries of the ice object because, “We both know how paranoid NASA can get…” – that and they binned Julian Rome’s beloved SETI project, so ner to them (thumb nose, waggle fingers). This info, the SETI binning, gets mentioned about 80 times in the first 20 minutes presumably in an attempt at irony. Anyhow, NASA’s got every right to be paranoid coz the object cracks open to reveal an immobile alien encased within a kind of organic membrane. At this point, one would expect ARS to enforce a strict protocol and remove non-essential personnel from the immediate vicinity. Non-essential as in Tony the pilot (Anthony Crivello), rather than stand back and allow Tony – who isn’t a scientist, he’s a pilot – to shove a broom handle – no, not a minute surgical camera or something equally investigative, a feckin broom handle – through the membrane thereby inadvertently releasing a deadly flesh-eating pathogen into the air. Well, many of the team start bloodily melting on the spot, including the lovely but fully clothed Nyla so bang goes any hope of seeing her nuddyness in the hydroponics bay. She merely crumples to her knees and you expect her to unsheathe a mutated hand, lean her head back and Bennings-like exhale an unearthly howl into the freezing air. Surprisingly, she does not. A handful of the group appear to be resistant to the virus but there’s only one sure-fire way of proving they aren’t infected; you guessed it, a blood test. The test (off-screen) gives them a 99.9% likelihood of being sans-virus so that’s all right then, innit. No. It’s not 100%; they cannot doom the entire planet by vacating the outpost…

Tut, somebody forgot National Parka Day didn't they...

Tut, somebody forgot National Parka Day didn’t they…

As you would expect in a movie predicament such as this, one character, Michael Straub (John Lynch) goes on a mad ‘un at the prospect of certain death, either by alien virus or the impending arrival of a US-sent Russkie sub loaded with nukes to sterilise the area. Straub wants out and recruits the help of old Tony. Tony’s not having a great day is he, having accidentally murdered half the staff, he pops a cap in a possibly helpful alien’s donk (you’d do the same if you saw an ugly alien with a vice-like grip on a colleague’s cranium, so don’t judge) and then, in a roomful of sane people, minus one, he chooses to hitch his yeehaw trailer to the minus one. His moment of tragic epiphany when it arrives just has you wondering why it took so long for him to discover he’s got more than cabbage between his ears. All that remains is the big SPFX bonanza finale in which the increasingly stroppy Straub, cabbage successfully transmigrated, repeatedly shouts “I can’t breathe!” while leaning at an impossible angle as Julian Rome instructs him to “Breathe slow…” for our otherworldly visitors have blanketed the ARS base with their alien atmosphere…

“I can’t breathe!”

“Breathe slow.”

“I can’t breathe!”

“Breathe slow.”

“I can’t breathe!”

“Breathe sl… Do you understand English at all?” (Yes, I’m exaggerating)

That's what too much wanking does to yer, Jimmy

That’s what too much wanking does to yer, Jimmy

Right, well, for a start, the prologue isn’t needed as dialogue exposition delivers the required information later; it’s an irrelevant 5 minutes. With that, there’s barely a need for the clued-up DoD suits (represented by Joel Polis and Kier Dullea – representing a couple of Sci-Fi classics no doubt) and the whole thing with Bachman whom they enlist to tell ARS the score. Obviously you need somebody to deliver the bombshell expo to Julian Rome, you just don’t need all of this. The embedded signal Julian Rome & Co have been trying to decode eventually tells them – too late of course – DO NOT OPEN. Yep, after all the mathematical piggery-jokery, the above is displayed in perfect English. Now, considering these aliens were around in 1947 and can do all that mind-meld shit, you’d think they’d be able to string 9 letters together to give the idiot humans an instant heads-up. With no-one allowed to leave the base and two blokes acting shiftily, Julian Rome wipes the door codes and programs one of his own. Kate watches this, yet she and the others allow him to go through with the pantomime without mention of an alternative exit. So you get, ‘Mike and Tony are escaping!’ – ‘Hah! They don’t know the new code!’ – ‘Yeh, we didn’t mention it before but…’ Stupid. Speaking of escape… Grisham (Carl Lewis – yes, that Carl Lewis), entrusted to keep his eye on Mikey & the Tone-meister, sits with his back to the cutlery tray (rather than with his back to a wall where he can watch the room), his weapon-hand occupied by a drink (presumably his free hand is unable to co-ordinate lifting a cup to his face) and said weapon lying on the table top with a ribbon and gift card on it. He allows the deadly duo to mooch behind him and barely turns or readies himself even when they start whispering covertly. Frankly, he deserves to get stabbed in the neck with a fork.

"If this is turning up in your stool regularly I suggest more fibre..."

“If this is turning up in your stool regularly I suggest more fibre…”

Generally, the idea isn’t a bad one but there’s no tension in its execution. So who’s getting smacked legs? It appears to be JS Cardone’s baby (co-writer with Boaz Davidson). So he’s a big Sci-Fi fan, so what, I can hardly hold that against him when he’s feeding me scribbling fuel. While I’m sure the hardcore SF geeks (at which Alien Hunter is undoubtedly pitched) love picking off the genre references there comes a point when you have to lay off the fanboy forelock tugging and be your own film. And the references are many, kicked off by the use of stock footage previously seen in The Thing From Another World (and again in The Thing). Then, for example you’ve got the scene with Julian Rome, noting the disappearance of the alien on a surveillance monitor: “It’s gone. The thing, it’s gone…” The ‘steals’ aren’t just from The Thing either; Alien Hunter picks off multiple genre targets. Listen, I’m not averse to this sort of thing (ha), hell even I throw a few into a review (hopefully not overdone) but if you’re going to spool the entire running time into an homage you’d better be stylish about it (see Event Horizon – thanks in the main to the mercurial and sadly departed DoP Adrian Biddle). However, whether intended or not, it is mildly interesting to view Straub as ‘the husky’ looking to escape across the snow…

Julian Of The Corn... that was awful, sorry...

Julian Of The Corn… that was awful, sorry…

Well, I have blathered on about rock all haven’t I. Anything to get excited about? Not especially. The only thing (tee-hee) I thought effective was the chase through the ‘corn field’ in hydroponics when the corn stalks wither and die as the infected humans pass by. Acting-wise – standard for this kind of shizzle; Spader must be having Stargate déjà vu but he pitches this performance in a minor key. I’ve always liked The Spader-man, to be honest and he’s okay here. Stefanson does very well with her small role, establishes her presence to such a degree that it is a gut punch to watch her early demise. John Lynch’s one-note script chewing bores; always get reminded of Hardware when I see him (“It’s gone now, it’s dead now…”), although it’s mainly the ‘wibbly-wobbly’ song I remember about Hardware… It was a 32-day shoot (in Bulgaria) and despite the actors are fumbling around paper/ plastic sets and the lecky bill doesn’t appear to have been paid, Alien Hunter is not a disaster, it is in fact competent. However, the FX don’t lift the movie when it needs lifting; the finale itself took 6 months to complete but I was still expecting Travolta to appear in white bibs with his disco face on. I don’t like to belittle the crew who worked hard on the FX and clearly put a lot of hours into trying to create something unique; it is appreciated. Oddly, Krauss seems to think the alien jellyfish-type craft is totally original, never before seen, but to me it’s reminiscent of those in The Abyss.

The moment Alien Hunter turns into Saturday Night Fever

The moment Alien Hunter turns into Saturday Night Fever

Julian Rome. Julian Rome. Julian Rome. I figure if I keep saying it in full it’ll start to sound like a good character name…

“Doctor, they need you in the corn lab.” Indeed.




It can have a 1.5 Mutant Norris out of 5 and be thankful


Cheers, folk.

ThereWolf, August 2014.




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About ThereWolf

I only come out at night... mostly...

94 responses to “Alien Hunter (2003)”

  1. Just Pillow Talk says :

    This sounds….horrible. I have a hard time finding anything worthwhile after reading your review in this flick. A tiger in a hat would have been par for the course and no one would have given it a second thought.

  2. Jarv says :

    Oh Christ,

    When I saw the title to this, I didn’t recognise it. Then I saw James Spader.

    This is a dog this film. Awful.

    Now to read the review

  3. Jarv says :

    This is a lovely and funny review for a total piece of shit of a film. It’s exactly the sort of drab, tedious and uninspired load of dreck that Sci-fi turns out far too often.

    Needed some nudity, a tiger in a hat, midgets, actual gratuitous gore and violence, and GIANT ROBOT LIONS to improve it. I’d have also taken random acts of lesbianage.

  4. Echo the Bunnyman says :

    If you’re going to name a character after a Shakespeare novel you could do better, and worse I guess…

    I suppose Julian Rome is preferrable to Romeo Jules (no, that actually would have been great!)

    Good review There, you dissected a movie I could barely be bothered to finish when I saw it back years ago on Sciffy. But I’ll say this, as dreary as those days seemed at the time–Ron Perlman vs baboons!!–they were at least trying to make actual movies. Now it’s all purposeful nonsense.

    And, Jarv, I saw the new Leprechaun movie. What a load. The three cardinal sins all committed: 1. Not a comedy 2. Leprechaun cannot speak, just shrieks 3. Tries to be a real horror movie

    • Jarv says :


      The worst Lep films are always the ones that are trying to be an actual horror movie. I read a good review of the whole series that basically said that the only person who understands how to make a good one is Brian Trenchard-Smith

      I want to see the Zombie Beaver film kicking around

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        This one is literally like a Platinum Dunes slasher, with kids cavorting in ireland (actually set in Ireland, and the cinematography is actually nice, so there’s that!) but the Lep looks like some kind of mole-rat goblin thing and is just an average knock-off monster. No charm, no intentional stupidity, no Warwick. It’s just a forgettable, bland creature flick. There are a few creepy moments–which the originals never had because Warwick cavorting about in tights and coattails was never going to be, or intended to be, terrifying.

        A complete waste of a Leprechaun title. Also no idea why they played up this Hornswoggle angle, I don’t know who he is, but I wouldn’t notice him even if I did, because the Lep isn’t remotely recognizable as a person.

      • Jarv says :

        Fucking origin stories.

        Dreadful waste of Leprechaun. I still think they should have done one of the high-concept ideas that was kicking around.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I don’t think the current crop of z-grade schlock is any good, because they are always too self aware, setting out to make intentionally bad movies, instead of just trying to make the best movie attached to their silly premise. It’s the difference between a Night of the Creeps or Basket Case and something like Mega Piranha or FDR: Bad Ass!

        I saw Wolfcop and it was woeful, as was Hobo with a Shotgun, Mandroid, Machete whatever, and the list goes on.

        Zombeavers looks about the same.

        Was watching Doctor Who the other night and noted that Ben Wheatley directed it. Curious.

      • Jarv says :

        Modern Grindhouse:

        Bitch Slap- good. And made as “better B-Movie”
        Machete- Meh. Hampered by overegging the pudding
        Black Dynamite- Great. More of a parody though
        Machete Kills- crap
        Hobo- Repugnant crap
        Nude Nuns- Rapy and repugnant crap
        Cherry Bomb- Not rapy enough, unbelievably. But still crap

        There’s loads of them, and only Bitch Slap is any good. Although I’ve got a feeling I gave MK a pass in a moment of delusion

      • Jarv says :

        I’ll give you a great case in point: The Night of the Demons remake.

        The originally three are fantastic sleazy fun stuffed full of cheap laughs, Evil Dead knock off effects, and juggs aplenty, but don’t feel either nasty or sadistic, and better than that are actually enjoyable and amazingly stupid. In no small part to the excellence of the scream queens cast in them.

        The modern one is dire, and feels unpleasant, juvenile and sadistic.

        Not to mention that whatshername isn’t fit to lace up Ameila Kincade, Pet Psychiatrist’s corset

      • Jarv says :

        Here you go:

        it’s on youtube as well.

        But you’re essentially right. BS is a pastiche of the Meyer films (as is Pervert, but that’s mostly rubbish)- and a very knowing one.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Didn’t you say machete kills was better than the first? Machete was a short film worth of funny content stretched to feature length.

      • Jarv says :

        I did. I think as an actual movie it’s better than Machete. As entertainment it’s worse. If that makes any sense. For example, they aren’t trying to cram in 99,000 different exploitation tropes into the second one.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Machete is about 5 different exploitation tropes repeated about 99,000 times.

      • Jarv says :

        Point being, though, that it would have been better to have been one, or two at the most.

        The finale of it is such a fucking mess.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        The thing is, I dont think it’s an origin story to the Lep from the Davis films. They just mean origins, as in it’s from Ireland and this is the “real creature (snooze) behind the legends.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I’m also tempted to put BS in a different category. It feels to me be more intended as one of those graphic novel inspired (not an actual source, just stylistically) films that spawned from the likes of Sky Captain, Sin City, 300 etc. The content is trashy, but I thought it was supposed to be a pulp comic book as opposed to a Z-grade schlocker.

        It was fun either way. But again, they took the genre or the material, and made their own thing. It wasn’t a pure ‘homage’.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        You gave Machete Kills a pass? It was just more of the same from a well that started dry. Machete was good as a fake trailer, not a fake movie and its fake sequel.

      • Jarv says :

        I did, because I’d watched an awful lot of utter shite, and it came as a bit of a relief. The Carlos Estevez stuff in the first third was better than the rest of the movie. The telling thing about it was that the fake trailer for Machete Kills IN SPACE looked tired, worn, unfunny, and like they hadn’t tried with it.

      • Jarv says :

        Was watching Doctor Who the other night and noted that Ben Wheatley directed it. Curious.

        Worried about Wheatley, actually. He seems to be on the Neil Marshall career path:

        Good to excellent first movie
        Stellar second

        Both made on limited (read 0) budget

        Mixed third

        Then they diverge. Wheatley’s 4th was crap, Marshall’s was great.

        But both of them are fucking around in TV land- although I note that they both seem to be attached to projects again.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Both 3rd pics were terrible.

      • Jarv says :

        I don’t agree. I like Doomsday, but it is a colossal mess, and less than whelming after the Descent, and I feel mostly ambivalent towards Sightseers. I’d describe both of them as disappointing.

        It’s A Field in England that was garbage.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Maybe terrible is too harsh. They’re both crap.

      • Judge Droid says :

        No fuck it. They’re terrible.

      • Jarv says :

        Terrible is way ott for them. I can see a case for Doomsday being labelled terrible (not least because it’s 2 movies uneasily knocked together and Mitra is a lousy actress), but Sightseers definitely isn’t. I think, though, that Sightseers is just far too parochial for almost everyone, and the best gags are all in the trailer. The best bit of Sightseers, incidentally, is the Season of the Witch sequence, but that comes far too early, and it peters out to a whole BLAH end.

      • Jarv says :

        What they both have, interestingly, are some really good bits surrounded by lots of less good stuff (and in the case of Doomsday, some absolute crap).

        The feeding scene in Doomsday, for example, is a cracking sequence, but the rest of it can’t live up to that, and it comes far too early.

        I’d go 2 for both for entirely different reasons, but weirdly, while Sightseers is obviously the “better” film (in that it’s coherent), I’d rather watch Doomsday again first.

      • Jarv says :

        And I’d rather watch both of them before Bayvengers again. Which the more I think about it the worse it gets.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I’d watch Bayvengers, because the other two actively pissed me off. Doomsday because it was so shit (and I tried to watch it again after all you knuckleheads said it was brilliant and got about 25 minutes in before I turned it off), and Sightseers because I held high hopes for it after Kill List but it turned out to be an unfocused, meandering bit of unpleasantness. Bayvengers is so (purposefully) innocuously bland it doesn’t engage me, but nor does it piss me off.

        Better yet, I’d watch Back to the Future for the millionth time.

      • Jarv says :

        The more I think about Bayvengers the less I like it. The pre-Thor stuff is so fucking mind-numbing that if I tried to watch it again I don’t think I’d make it to the big fella with the hammer pitching up.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I’m not saying it’s good. I’m just saying it’s preferable in a no-win choice between the 3.

      • Jarv says :

        I’d fuck it off and rewatch Alien, actually, if I’m honest. Of the 3, if I had to pick one again, I’d probably go Doomsday. I have no desire at all to see Sightseers again, and really no desire at all to see Bayvengers.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I read the other day that Hensworth is going to be in the Vacation reboot. Fuck knows why.

      • Jarv says :

        Talking about which, changed my mind. Rewatched Thor 2, and it’s a bit shit.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I didn’t think much of Thor 2.

      • Judge Droid says :

        The bro elevates those films.

      • Jarv says :


        Yes, he does. Him and Hemsworth lift them a long way.

    • ThereWolf says :

      Thank you, Mr Bunnyman.

      Now you say it… the penny didn’t drop at all about the name!

      Romeo Jules has got to be the name of a porn actor, surely…

  5. Echo the Bunnyman says :

    As usual, captions are bang-on. “closer than an enraged Commanche.” Perfect.

  6. Echo the Bunnyman says :

    Since we are talking modern homages, and b alien movies, I have one I’d like you review There. I saw it a long time ago, suspect I was being far too kind to it, and sort of enjoyed it, although it was strictly a rehash of 50’s B movies.

    It was called Alien Trespass. Did you ever see it? Bunch of blokes trying to make something that would have literally played in theaters crica 1954. I remember being mildly amused by it.

    • Jarv says :

      I’ll have a look. I have seen Storage 24 now as well. Meh.

      Lots of mehness flying about in schlockland at the moment. And a fair whack of absolute turd as well.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I liked Storage 24. It would be a mild recommendation at best, and I don’t really care for Mickey from Who, but it entertained me for a bit.

      • Jarv says :

        Noel Clarke is actually quite a decent director.

        The big problem with S24 was the monster was crap and looked like the monster from Split Second, except they didn’t try to hide it at all, and the woman playing his ex looked anorexic. And was particularly unlikable as well

      • Jarv says :

        watching like three movies a day, and giving passes to things like Pig Hunt and Trick or Treat.

        I look back at some of the shit I used to give passes to and genuinely shake my head. I gave Red Sonja a pass, for fuckssakes. And I know that’s terrible. What’s worse, is that I knew it was terrible at the time.

      • Jarv says :

        Marshall’s new project sounds like shit, having said that:

        25 year after King Kong’s death in New York, Carl Denham’s son runs an expedition to Skull Island and tries to to solve the decade long mystery.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Is that this Skull Island thing they just announced? I don’t know, Marshall sounds like a good fit for Kong–if indeed, Kong is involved again (or, Kong Jr.). Look at Marshall, never made a movie over 95 minutes, has he?

        As I’ve said before I’m actually a fan of Jackson’s Kong–Kong, the dinos (even the brontos), and the last third in New York are all great to me, but the long boat ride, having Denham as Orson Welles instead of Cooper was crap, the bug pit, the natives, etc, and the super-jumbo running time are no good.

        But recently I sat with my son–2 and a half, but loves dinosaurs and monsters–and watched original Kong, and that thing is lean and mean as hell. When he falls of building, Cooper has his ass bounce off the side on the way down.

        Marshall could do 90 minutes of survival horror mixed with dark fantasy and I think he could do a worthy follow-up, if of course he’s spearheading the creative portions and not just director for hire.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Now Im confused. The just announced Skull Island is being directed by the Attack the Block guy, Joe Cornish.

        This is apparently an adaptation of a graphic novel that was pitched as a sequel to Kong, but I bet you it won’t happen now, or will have any funding/budget severely cut.

      • Jarv says :

        Joe Cornish is being attached to about 90 different projects on a daily basis, though.

        Something called Rust, and something else called Snow Crash

      • Jarv says :

        Marshall is apparently due to helm the Black Widow movie. If it ever gets made. Which I hope not.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        sounds Del Toro, and then he’ll turn around make the least interesting one.

        Snow Crash is Neal Stephenson and cyber-punk just ahead of the Matrix curve. Was written in 1992 and is pretty damn good for what it is. The first three pages alone, that talk about a character called The Deliverator who carries a samurai sword and delivers pizzas for the mob, is awesome.

      • Jarv says :

        Sounds a bit Gibson-y.

        I’m very wary of Gibson stuff, since that Prog-on shite.

        Which reminds me, when’s the Natali version of Neuromancer out? That’ll be shite, guaranteed.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Stephenson did SC as Gibson with a sense of humor and the lack of morose hand-wringing. He also went on to do numerous sci-fi novels that had nothing to do with cyberpunk, so it’s not set up as a franchise, or banging on in the same theme forever.

        In fact, I quite recommend Stephenson:

        Ignore the pic that makes him look like some douchey dungeon-master at a Ren fest.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Natali is done I think. I saw an indie teen horror he did call Haunter. It wasnt terrible, but it wasn’t good either.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        They need to stop wasting the good genre directors on comic book movies. I suspect they’ll try more of this after Guardians hit big for them. Diff is Gunn wasn’t very good at all as a b-movie director, and being reigned in, actually made a better movie with Guardians.

        I just heard, via the internets, that Howard the Duck made a cameo in that. When they screened it for critics, that scene wasn’t in the credits.

      • Jarv says :

        Yup. I heard that too.

        Gunn is a fucking hack. SLither was turd, then he was a reality TV judge for a while, and was turd. Then he made some porno thing that was turd.

        He’s so bad, I find it amazing he was ever at Troma.

      • Jarv says :

        Gunn is so shit, actually, that it surprises me that Guardians is meant to be any good. I’m waiting for the dust to settle on it, then hopefully there’ll be a realistic redrawing about how good it is a la Bayvengers.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Bayvengers hasn’t been redrawn. Nerds still think it’s the tits.

      • Jarv says :

        I meant in general. Fuck Nerds. They’ve got no taste. However, there is a massive amount of non-nerds that thought it was the tits on the big screen and have now seen it at home and rethought it. It’s still “alright” but not the second coming any more

      • Judge Droid says :

        I haven’t taken a poll, but the general sense I get it that its nuts are still pretty universally and enthusiastically stroked.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        You forgot Super that was a mega-turd.

        Surprisingly, he did ok with Guardians, but I truly beleive that movie was just directed by Whedon and a comittee, and Gunn is just Tobe Hoopering the success for now.

      • Jarv says :

        So I did. That was a monster turd

      • Jarv says :

        Neuromancer isn’t listed on Natali’s IMDB page. So hopefully it’ll never happen. I cannot think of a book that merits adaptation less than that one. Almost every decent idea that was in it has been pillaged elsewhere, and what’s left is total dogshit. Even by Gibson’s standards.

        I cannot think of a more overrated Sci-Fi author out there than Gibson.

      • Jarv says :

        Reminds me, did you ever read Absolute Midnight? This may come as less than a massive shock, but Part 4, now called Kyr Rising (or something stupid like that) has been shunted into 2015.

        Was meant to be September 2013.

        Fucking Barker. If he doesn’t finish this series, I’m going to be pissed.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        not to say that Whedon and a committee is a way to make a movie, but that I don’t see anything in the film that really bears any signature of his.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Oh yea, I’ve seen the three movies he’s made. I’d actually forgotten to tie him as the director to the actor. He’s fine I guess, but he seemed vaguely uncomfortable in Storage. Given that he was watching his gutter-skank ex parade around with a dude while locked in storage with an alien thingee, I guess maybe vague discomfort is what he was aiming for.

        Think I prefer him behind the camera, and think the movie would have been better had he directed. Also, too little stretched over too long. Would have preferred an Infestation approach–fight the beastie for the first half, have the second open with that last shot.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        to be fair, the monster was barely glimpsed til the end and before that was serviceable. The monster was a real letdown. One of the reasons I like The Relic despite it not being a very good movie–the monster in that was great.

      • Jarv says :

        I remember the monster being front and centre. Meh though

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Alien Trespass was more intended for There. It’s slavish to the point of recreation for 50’s flying saucer movies but it’s got a certain level of amusement. Of course, that’s back when I was new to the critic game, watching like three movies a day, and giving passes to things like Pig Hunt and Trick or Treat. Not sure it would get the time of day, now.

    • ThereWolf says :

      I’ve not seen Alien Trespass – and unfortunately it seems to be unavailable on Lovefilm. I’ve ‘reserved’ it anyway.

      I didn’t like Storage 24. Can’t recall much about it other than poor performances all round and a naffo monster.

      • Jarv says :

        I didn’t like Storage 24. Can’t recall much about it other than poor performances all round and a naffo monster.

        That’s similar to my recall of it. Mostly anorexia girl with the bad performances.

  7. Continentalop says :

    Great review Wolf but, fuck, the description of it made my head it.

    Definitely needed tigers in hats and lesbians, it seems.

  8. Continentalop says :

    Put me down as someone who hates faux Grindhouse. I’m not saying I dislike schlock (there is a lot of schlock/exploitation I love) but there is a difference between pushing the envelope and going for the easy joke/shock. Good ‘ploitation movies didn’t just resort to attempts at schock (although I admit a lot of “good” ones accidentally did stuff that made them interesting)

    I still need some of you to see NURSE to see what a truly shitty faux Grindhouse movie looks like.

  9. Judge Droid says :

    Good review Wolf. Never heard of this movie. Sounds pretty bad.

  10. tombando says :

    Therewolf hath struckuth again…another fine writeup. Spader is usually worthy just because…Depp w a pulse.

  11. ThereWolf says :

    Christ – just realised… I didn’t score the twat!

    See, web rusty…

  12. Xiphos0311 says :

    Never heard of it no plans to watch. My assumption is that this review is miles better than the movie.

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