Halloween: Resurrection. Or as I like to think of it, the series returning to form

 

Halloween-Resurrection-post

I’m sick to death of the sight of this review so I’m publishing it. Sorry about the rough state of it.

Who on earth thought this was a good idea? Come on, own up…

After the relative critical and overwhelming cash success of H20, the inevitable happened: another sequel. I’m going to go out on a limb here and state that in no way did H20 warrant a sequel. Particularly not one with Myers in it- as the Laurie Strode storyline had been completed with her grabbing a chopper (c.f Leslie Vernon) and taking it to her murderous sibling. Case fucking closed. Nevertheless, cash registers had chimed, so sequel time it was. Except this time, it was after the turn of the century, so the trend had changed. Around about 2000, give or take, a number of hidden camera/ internet/ found footage films appeared. Almost all of them (honourable exception to My Little Eye) are total garbage, but this trend was going strong, and for some reason the writers of Halloween 8 decided to incorporate Myers into it. This, frankly, is a terrible idea, but not quite as bad as the one to cast Busta Rhymes as a media mogul.

Spoilers and the deeply annoying survival of Busta Rhymes ahead. 

Jamie looking as tired as the franchise.

Jamie looking as tired as the franchise.

Ugh. Where to begin? This installment is amazingly the worst of the series to date, and that’s saying something given quite how dismally shit most of the last few have been. It actually pained me watching it this time, as I swore from the last time I inflicted it on myself that I wouldn’t be touching it with a bargepole. Aside from the Jamie Lee Curtis opening, and even that is kind of insulting to the intelligence, I have nothing good to say about this turd. Nothing. Not a damned thing. Ach, shite, here we go…

Opening in an asylum where Laurie is banged up, Resurrection doesn’t actually begin too badly. Sadly, Jamie Lee Curtis dies at the end of this sequence, and thus the only hope for the film is brutally extinguished. Anyhoo, Michael, obviously a bit bored now, decides the thing to do is to go home (seriously), crack open a beer and kick his feet up, because now he’s offed his sister, his quest is over. Right, for some reason, the inexplicably monikered Freddie (Busta Rhymes) wants to film an internet TV show in the Myers house (seriously). To this end, he’s recruited the latest batch of disposable teens (Katee Sackhoff is probably the most interesting of them) to spend the night in the Myers house, where they will discover what motivated him to kill. Busta, however, has staged all sorts of shit pranks to scare the beejesus out of them, and thus create internet TV gold. What he doesn’t know, however, is that the real Michael is about and pissed at having his down time interrupted by these Nathan Barley douchebags. So, blah, people die, the Busta beats up Micheal (seriously), despite being injured and the film ends on a sort of cliffhanger.

This film is full of inexplicable facial expressions. This is Busta with his cock caught in his zipper

This film is full of inexplicable facial expressions. This is Busta with his cock caught in his zipper

This is, from the moment Jamie Lee Curtis checks out, total fucking shit. Subject to a ludicrous amount of studio interference, director Rick Rosenthal (returning from the vastly superior Halloween 2) seems to have been a bit hamstrung, and there is, quelle fucking surprise, another version of this film available (that I won’t be watching). It’s anyone’s guess as to whether it is better, but I’d be surprised, given that the writing is shit, the acting is shit (of course it is, Busta Rhymes is the lead), it’s as scary as a cute kitten, and it’s completely boring.

I can’t be arsed to even attempt a review of this, instead I’m going to talk about one scene that encapsulates this film. If you can make it through my critique, and are curious to know more, then this may be the Halloween film for you. However, it’s so cringeworthy and vomit inducingly arch, being the very embodiment of the hipster thinking that dogged H20, that I think my description should put you off.

See what I mean?

Busta grimaced when Tyra checked his prostate without lube

Anyhoo, shit is underway and it’s all getting real. Freddie is stalking the house dressed as Myers, when he bumps into the actual crazed killer. Busta removes his mask and proceeds to berate the real Michael, because he thinks he’s a cameraman (seriously), and is in the wrong place at the wrong time. Instead of taking this opportunity to jam a knife through the tit’s head, Micheal just takes this telling off (which is accompanied by some heinous overacting) on the chin, before each of them toddles off on their various ways.

I hate this scene for a number of different reasons. It’s obviously meant to be a comic interlude in the film, but instead it comes across as too clever for it’s own good, and it is simply not funny. Secondly, the acting here, is awful,  and it’s obviously no surprise that the main culprit is the rapper. Thirdly, this is the Halloween equivalent of the wookie defense. IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. Since when has Myers ever behaved like this? He’s more of a stab in the head first and ask questions later kind of guy. It’s not like there isn’t 3 films worth of continuity to refer to (even ignoring parts 3-6 inclusive) that clearly suggest that he wouldn’t stand for this bollocks. Finally, it’s just so god damned sloppy, slapdash and fucking lazy. Yes, I understand it’s being played for laughs, but as this is a film with fake corpses falling on shagging teenagers, there’s not a shortage of either unintentional comedy or comedic intent, so why the fuck is the scene in it?

This is the face of a man that just followed through

This is the face of a man that just followed through

And I haven’t even mentioned the piss poor dialogue that contains such cringeworthy lines as “Trick or Treat Mutherfucka” (uttered by Busta).

Basically, at the end of the day, when the Halloween series is at its best it launched an entire genre and spawned millions of lesser imitations. When it is at its worst it actively seeks to copy the imitators, and to attempt to ride the zeitgeist by using current fads and trends that aren’t really fitting. Which is ironic really, given that the incomparable original spawned the fads and trends that the sequels copied. I’ve got a horrible spinning feeling in my head now as I’m picturing the Ouroboros snake eating its own tail for perpetuity. Anyway, Resurrection is arguably the series at its absolute worst and I’m fucking done with it.

Cretin. A camera isn't going to stop The Shape.

Cretin. A camera isn’t going to stop The Shape.

Overall, this is a pestilent movie, and was so utterly reviled that it killed this iteration of the Franchise stone fucking dead, again. There were sequels planned to it, that thankfully we never got, so were thus spared the 21st century equivalent of parts 5 and 6. Nevertheless, the abject failure of this steaming mess ushered in the Rob Zombie era, so thanks for that. I hate this film, and have no other option but to stick it with another Orangutan of Doom. That’s now a whopping 3 that the series has collected so far, which is, I believe, a Werewolves on the Moon record with 2 awful films still to go.

Orangutan of Doom

Next up is the aforementioned remake. It is possible to do a good remake, but not if you’re called Rob Zombie.

Until then,

Jarv.

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

18 responses to “Halloween: Resurrection. Or as I like to think of it, the series returning to form”

  1. tombando says :

    Wow that has to be the worst…does Tyra get axed, at least please please?

  2. Continentalop says :

    This is like the only Halloween movie from the original series I haven’t seen – and I’m thankful as Hell after that review.

    So far you’ve gone above and beyond, Jarv.

  3. Xiphos0311 says :

    sorry to be this guy but what’s The Wookie Defense?

    Glad I never bothered with this turd good write up Jarv.

  4. angryscholar says :

    You’re a gentleman and a scholar, Jarv, for putting yourself through all this. For what it’s worth, your discomfiture is hilarious.

    • Jarv says :

      Cheers

      Nearly there now. Then I’m taking a break from idiotic horror series, as I’m not sure I can put myself through another one. Although I do have to get the latest Children of the Corn (that series is better than Halloween overall, albeit without a film as good as the original Halloween).

  5. Just Pillow Talk says :

    Heh. This series is like a self inflicted gunshot wound that took half the brain, but alas, not all of it.

    Needs a tiger in a hat. That would chomp busta.

    • tombando says :

      Believe it or not, this is playing right now…stayed put thru the whole Busta as fake Myers razzing the real Myers in the hall…..uh that was Fucking Painful. Jarv took one for the team here. Wow this is just shit.

      • Jarv says :

        Atrocious.

        I’m starting to think of this series as a public service announcement. I’ve watched them so nobody else has to, ever.

    • Jarv says :

      Wouldn’t that be great.

      A tiger in a hat, using the known tiger in a hat powers of invisibility, sneaking up the corridors just to chomp busta.

      • tombando says :

        A tiger in a hat, or better yet, a robot lion. They like eating cinematic atrocities.

  6. Judge Droid says :

    Surprised to read they killed JLC. If I was a fan if the series I’d probably be pissed off that they killed her after she survived the previous 8 movies or however many there are, in what reads like a bit of a gimmicky opening sequence. Hell, I was annoyed when Scream 2 killed Randy or Bourne 2 killed Franka Potente, let alone a whole bunch of films in.

    • Jarv says :

      To be fair, JLC had only been in 3 of the preceding 7 (SEVEN!) Far more offensive was acing Danielle Harris’ character in part 6, because she’d been the focus of 4 and 5. Admittedly Harris wasn’t in the role, but it’s still obnoxious.

      Also, Laurie Strode was played out after H20. H20 did not want, in terms of narrative, a sequel in any way, shape or form. It tied up all the loose ends from the Laurie storyline, got rid of the offensive Samhain crap and finished on as positive a note as the sequel could manage. There was simply no justification for bringing her back in this. Also, while I’m on this subject, it’s daft to have her in an asylum here. She’s got her son and so on and so forth and has already overcome the trauma multiple times.

      While I think about it, it’s total shite.

  7. ThereWolf says :

    Dismal sounding tripe I’ve no intention of going near. I take it Sackhoff doesn’t survive either?

    Well done for sticking that one out again, Jarv.

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