Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers (on any mug that’s stupid enough to watch it)

Hallowen-6-cover

Halloween 5 was a disaster on every level. It was a disaster for the people that made it, a disaster for the people that watched it, and a disaster for the cynical producer types that sadly had their “KER-CHING” curtailed. In fact, to be fair, a lot of the problems with Halloween 5 stem from the fact that it was originally meant to be part of a quickly released double with this film. That it tanked so hard meant that there was a serious delay between releases and therefore Part 6 was delayed by 6 years rendering Part 5 incomprehensible and boring.

That’s not the real tragedy of Halloween 6, though. The real tragedy is that once the final credits roll, there’s an in memoriam message to Donald Pleasance. This shite was his last screen appearance. Top that one, Euripides.

Contains hatred of the series and spoilers below.

Talk nerdy to me, baby

Talk nerdy to me, baby

OK, remember where we were at the end of part 5? Well, just in case you haven’t been sitting on tenterhooks waiting for the continuation of the series I wish I’d never started here it is: The man in black has bust Michael Myers out of prison and he’s therefore free to go on another babysitter slaughtering rampage. Except, the 6 year delay has had serious ramifications for the plot…

As such, we’ve got an intensely icky opening with Jamie (not Danielle Harris this time), giving birth in a cult (eh?) sanctuary to what is heavily implied is Michael’s child, and the less said about this idea the better. Anyhoo, she escapes, Michael hunts her down and brutally murders her, except her bloodline is now carried by the newborn kiddiewink, so his rampage has to continue to wipe out the last of the line.

This is my serious face.

This is my serious face.

In the meantime, Loomis is still doing Loomis things, an inexplicably cast Paul Rudd (playing the kid Jamie Lee Curtis was babysitting in the original) has care of the kid, in Haddonfield, of all places, and there’s a load of guff about the power of a magic druid symbol, an evil cult, and a nefarious villain with possibly the most laughable reveal ever filmed.

We all know how this goes by now. Myers pitches up in the town, slaughters people that we don’t care about while Pleasance talks total shite in the background for the duration. The only difference is that this time Paul Rudd gets to talk total bollocks about Celtic cults or some such drivel. Actually, I know precisely what drivel it is, so (and I bet you’re all poised with bated breath waiting for this) here we go. Apparently, the “Thorn” sigil appears in the constellations every so often, prompting some poor fucker to become the avatar of rage and eviscerate loads of people to restore the good times. This rune (helpfully shown tattooed on Myers’ wrist) is the source of his powers.

Not fucking impressed.

Not fucking impressed.

My problem with this is that it’s complete bullshit. I happened to study old English at university, and the letter from the Runic Alphabet that they picked (indeed called Thorn), actually happens to translate as “th”, and most of the time served as a reasonable substitute/ abbreviation for “that”. There is, and I cannot be more clear about this, less than nothing mystical about this letter. It’s like assigning magic powers to the letter “Q” because it gets you 10 fucking points in scrabble. Frankly, writers, if you’re going to pull this shit, at least have the decency to put in the minimum amount of effort researching it, please.

Looking at the acting: meh. If you saw this, you’d never pick Paul Rudd as someone that would have a career, but simultaneously he’s not terrible. Pleasance sounds seriously ill for half the film, and I question the wisdom of him putting himself through it. As for the rest of them? Who gives a shit, as with one exception they’re blatant cannon fodder, and that exception is the laziest, shittiest, most laughable villain of the whole series so far.

Is that it? Over? Surely? One can but hope.

Is that it? Over? Surely? One can but hope.

Nevertheless, the acting in this film could be fantastic, but it wouldn’t matter. The central problem here is that it’s a confused and stupid mess. However, my (typically limited) research into the film has just informed me of the existence of a producer’s cut and that the film was subject to serious studio meddling. Allegedly, in the “proper” version (which I will not be watching, thank you very much), this garbled bollocks makes sense and much that’s implied actually takes place on camera- to the overall benefit of the film.

I’ve also just discovered, as if the slashing at the finished film wasn’t bad enough, that director Joe Chappelle apparently fell out with the cast and hated Pleasance. This, I feel would explain a lot of the problems with the film, but not as much as that the fucking script was actually written by a fan, and not by a professional. Ugh. Fanfiction belongs in the lowest bowels of internet hell, and I’m distressed to find that one piece of it actually made it to the screen.

Menacing. Just because he's got 4 films left.

Menacing. Just because he’s waiting for Busta Rhymes

Overall, this is shit. Again, I haven’t really bothered to review the film, because it isn’t worth it and I have now developed a healthy hatred of the series, to the extent that the utterly meh H2 looks like a gem. I can’t summon up the energy to really be rude about it, because Halloween 6 is such a bad idea, so badly executed that there is little reason to treat it in any other way than H20 treats it: Pretend it doesn’t fucking exist and move on with your life.

Misguided, boring, incomprehensible for the most part, Halloween 6 earns this series’ second Orangutan of Doom.

Orangutan of Doom

Next up, it’s H20. Yay

Until then

Jarv.

Halloween logo

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

20 responses to “Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers (on any mug that’s stupid enough to watch it)”

  1. Continentalop says :

    Hatred and disgust brings out your best, Jarv. You had a lot of gems in this review.

    “This shite was his last screen appearance. Top that one, Euripides.”

    “This, I feel would explain a lot of the problems with the film, but not as much as that the fucking script was actually written by a fan, and not by a professional. Ugh. Fanfiction belongs in the lowest bowels of internet hell, and I’m distressed to find that one piece of it actually made it to the screen.”

    • Jarv says :

      Cheers Conti.

      This has honestly been so dispiriting. I reckon there’s at least another 2 OoD’s to go as well. Fucking Busta Rhymes.

  2. angryscholar says :

    Well played, sir. ‘There is, and I cannot be more clear about this, less than nothing mystical about this letter. It’s like assigning magic powers to the letter “Q” because it gets you 10 fucking points in scrabble.’ <–Hah!

    • angryscholar says :

      Actually, Jarv, would you mind if I reblogged this? It’s pretty durned funny.

    • Jarv says :

      I’m going on sketchily remembered stuff from nearly 15 years ago there, but I think I’m right about that. Wretched, stupid plot device.

      The cult are ridiculous in this, really stupid, and the villain reveal is astoundingly daft, it’s worse than the Feathers McGraw reveal in The Wrong Trousers “But… It’s You!”

  3. tombando says :

    Oh wow it writhes again, yet another winner from Hollywood. Jarv took one for the team. I take it Harold wrote this?

  4. Judge Droid says :

    This series could set the record for OoD’s, if the remakes live up to their reputation.

    • Jarv says :

      I was thinking that. I’m potentially looking at 5 OoD’s here.

      Five! Fuckssakes. The only other contender would be Frank v Hellraiser, but I’ve seen quite a lot of them and, astonishingly, they aren’t actually as bad as 5 and 6.

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      And overall average low score.

      The cumulative shittiness of the series is impressive.

  5. angryscholar says :

    Reblogged this on The Angry Scholar and commented:
    Jarv of Werewolves on the Moon shares some thoughts on why six is five too many in his recent review of Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers. “Disaster” and “incomprehensible” are just two of the many fun words he uses.

  6. Fringe Void says :

    That’s a pretty accurate review right thar! I’ve also read about the Producer’s Cut. In fact, it just screened for the first time not too long ago. After years of bootlegging, seems like there’s finally a chance of a proper release. Then, we can forget this version exists.

    My least favorite part is the part where Myers is getting an operation, or something, wakes up and kills like twenty doctors. Just stupid.

  7. Xiphos0311 says :

    Vitriol is responsible for all your best writing Jarv.

  8. ThereWolf says :

    “Top that one, Euripides.”

    That’s a catchphrase. I’m having that one – it’s going into as many conversations as I can get it in.

    Also, I demand you watch the ‘proper’ version, Jarv.

    Well done again.

    • Jarv says :

      Cheers wolf.

      How have you been? Job sorted out?

      • ThereWolf says :

        Nah, nothing as yet. Getting a bit disillusioned to be honest, can’t get so much as an interview.

        Are you fixed up? Last I saw you’d missed out on one – but I may have missed a few updates since.

      • Jarv says :

        Nah. Was working for 3 months but contract over. Meant to be in this week and also supposed to be interviewing on Thursday but that’s out the question at this rate.

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