Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (on the audience)
Why won’t this bloody series die? I’ve now long passed the point where I wish I hadn’t started it, and I now actively resent the increasingly boring, turgid and unimaginative dreck with The Shape, robbed of all menace, tiresomely killing identikit teenagers. Halloween 5, to my mind, should represent the nadir of the series, as surely it can’t get any worse from here.
Contains your humble reviewer suffering from a nervous breakdown due to boredom, inexplicable attempts at explaining the mythology and spoilers below.
Remember the end of Halloween 4? No, I don’t either. However, a quick refresher reminds me that it was another attempt to pass the baton away from Michael Myers. In this case, it was to his niece, Jamie (Danielle Harris again), who ended the last film recreating the iconic opening of the first film. So, you’d think she was, say, a soulless mass of evil and doomed to spend her life institutionalised, because nobody but a complete fucking dimwit would make the same mistake by releasing another psychotic member of the Myers clan to go on a murderous rampage.
Well, what, I hear you ask, happened to her blood crazed uncle? Well, he’s actually retired, bought himself a trailer in Florida and is going to enjoy his golden years in the Sunshine state. Only kidding. He was kicked down a mine shaft, and had some dynamite thrown on to him for good measure. So, surely, this time he’s fucked. Nope, sadly. What actually happened was that he made his way out of the mine (eh?), down to the river and fell into a coma (I wish I had instead of enduring this toss), while a friendly hermit looked after him/touched him inappropriately while he was asleep.
Obviously, it wouldn’t be a Halloween film without Michael, so he awakens from his slumber and celebrates by slaughtering the hermit. Ungrateful fucker, unless the old weirdo did actually penetrate him while he was unconscious, in which case it serves him right.What this basically boils down to is that they shat the only good thing about part 4, the torch passing, and did a total rehash of earlier Halloween films, except shittier, and with added stupidity.
Where was I?
Oh yes, struggling like fury with this abominable film.
Right, anyway, Michael is about and on a rampage, little Jamie wakes up and has developed telepathy (oh shit, always the sign that it’s time to put a knife in the franchise’s head when they start throwing in massive deus ex machinae like this), and Loomis is wandering around Haddonfield, but at least they’re sort of paying attention to him this time.
In an exercise of torch passing, again, Myers offs Rachel (Ellie Cornell, the sole likable presence in the film), leaving little Jamie in the care of the utterly hateful Tina (Wendy Kaplan, and Jesus suffering FUCK is she annoying), and her dickhead mates Spitz (Matthew Walker), Samantha (Tamara Glynn), and tough guy Mike (Jonathan Chapin). Anhoo, Spitz and Sam, proving that between them they’re one whole brain short of being able to walk and chew gum at the same time, decide that this is precisely the right time to go and fuck in a barn (oh, and Spitz’ idea of foreplay is “brace yourself”), to be summarily executed with a pitchfork, thereby dramatically improving the film, in that I no longer wanted to lobotomise myself with a lump hammer than carry on watching it.
Anyhoo, Jamie and Tina are running away from Michael, when Tina takes the audience’s feelings into account and sacrifices herself to allow the little tyke to escape. This, in turn, gives Loomis the less-than-stellar idea to set Myers up in his old house. Cue set piece of boredom before the mildly amusing scene of old man Pleasance bludgeoning a tranquilised Myers to death. Except he won’t be fucking dead, because I’ve still got part 6, H20, Resurrection and the fucking remakes to go, a prospect about as appealing as rimming the rotten corpse of Margaret Thatcher.
Oh and there’s some cunt dressed in black randomly murdering people as well. He’s really important, in that he breaks Myers out of gaol in the climax of the film. Yippee! A cliffhanger. Halle-fucking-lujah, as we know how this series treats cliffhangers. It’ll probably all be a fucking dream at the start of the next one, with a teenage Jamie Lee Curtis waking up and hammering herself to death with a 9 inch dildo.
This is, to put it gently, a fucking awful film on every level. There’s nothing resembling tension, it’s astronomically dense, it’s not amusing, it’s a lame rehash of things we’ve already seen, the acting, Harris and Cornell aside sucks so hard it could strip chrome off a bumper, and even fucking Pleasance is phoning it in. I hate this film. On the plus side, Glynn takes her top off.
Just to indicate how goddamned stupid the film is, there’s the whole “Jamie has the magic power to calm Michael down by turning him from the dark side and banishing his anger like a cut price exorcist” nonsense. This manifests itself in the truly laughable sequence where she persuades him to take off his mask, and a single manly tear rolls down his cheek. Probably slammed his cock in a fridge door or something. Not that it makes an iota of difference, because for no good reason, he then puts the mask back on and carries on trying to off the kid.
Then there’s the “comic” relief provided by the two cretinous cops assigned to look after Jamie. They even get special clown music to make sure that we know that this is to lighten the mood, and is meant to be funny. Which is just as well, because without the music, I’d not have worked out that it was supposed to be comic relief, and would have assumed it was just another example of the craptitude of this film. It is, incidentally, another example of the craptitude of this film, but that’s neither here nor there.
Oh, and at one point Michael knocks himself out by running into a fucking tree.
Not to mention that the mask looks like shit.
Ach, fuck this film. Orangutan of fucking Doom, all the way.
Next up is the last of the original run of Halloween films, and one of Pleasance’s last movies (if not his last). It’s the truly execrable Halloween 6: We make a half arsed attempt to explain the mythology.
PS. I know this was barely a review, more a plot summary with added swearing, but this film is so awful I couldn’t be arsed to waste what’s left of my brain analysing it. Sorry about that.