Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (on the audience)

Halloween-5-poster

Why won’t this bloody series die? I’ve now long passed the point where I wish I hadn’t started it, and I now actively resent the increasingly boring, turgid and unimaginative dreck with The Shape, robbed of all menace, tiresomely killing identikit teenagers. Halloween 5, to my mind, should represent the nadir of the series, as surely it can’t get any worse from here.

Contains your humble reviewer suffering from a nervous breakdown due to boredom, inexplicable attempts at explaining the mythology and spoilers below. 

Jamie was embarrassed to still be wetting the bed at her age. Not as embarrassed as she was to be in the film at all, mind.

Jamie was embarrassed to still be wetting the bed at her age. Not as embarrassed as she was to be in the film at all, mind.

Remember the end of Halloween 4? No, I don’t either. However, a quick refresher reminds me that it was another attempt to pass the baton away from Michael Myers. In this case, it was to his niece, Jamie (Danielle Harris again), who ended the last film recreating the iconic opening of the first film. So, you’d think she was, say, a soulless mass of evil and doomed to spend her life institutionalised, because nobody but a complete fucking dimwit would make the same mistake by releasing another psychotic member of the Myers clan to go on a murderous rampage.

Well, what, I hear you ask, happened to her blood crazed uncle? Well, he’s actually retired, bought himself a trailer in Florida and is going to enjoy his golden years in the Sunshine state. Only kidding. He was kicked down a mine shaft, and had some dynamite thrown on to him for good measure. So, surely, this time he’s fucked. Nope, sadly. What actually happened was that he made his way out of the mine (eh?), down to the river and fell into a coma (I wish I had instead of enduring this toss), while a friendly hermit looked after him/touched him inappropriately while he was asleep.

Hey there Doctor Melty Face. Sill chasing Michael?

Hey there Doctor Melty Face. Sill chasing Michael?

Obviously, it wouldn’t be a Halloween film without Michael, so he awakens from his slumber and celebrates by slaughtering the hermit. Ungrateful fucker, unless the old weirdo did actually penetrate him while he was unconscious, in which case it serves him right.What this basically boils down to is that they shat the only good thing about part 4, the torch passing, and did a total rehash of earlier Halloween films, except shittier, and with added stupidity.

Where was I?

Oh yes, struggling like fury with this abominable film.

Right, anyway, Michael is about and on a rampage, little Jamie wakes up and has developed telepathy (oh shit, always the sign that it’s time to put a knife in the franchise’s head when they start throwing in massive deus ex machinae like this), and Loomis is wandering around Haddonfield, but at least they’re sort of paying attention to him this time.

Well and truly forked. Har-de-fucking-har

Well and truly forked.
Har-de-fucking-har

In an exercise of torch passing, again, Myers offs Rachel (Ellie Cornell, the sole likable presence in the film), leaving little Jamie in the care of the utterly hateful Tina (Wendy Kaplan, and Jesus suffering FUCK is she annoying), and her dickhead mates Spitz (Matthew Walker), Samantha (Tamara Glynn), and tough guy Mike (Jonathan Chapin). Anhoo, Spitz and Sam, proving that between them they’re one whole brain short of being able to walk and chew gum at the same time, decide that this is precisely the right time to go and fuck in a barn (oh, and Spitz’ idea of foreplay is “brace yourself”), to be summarily executed with a pitchfork, thereby dramatically improving the film, in that I no longer wanted to lobotomise myself with a lump hammer than carry on watching it.

Anyhoo, Jamie and Tina are running away from Michael, when Tina takes the audience’s feelings into account and sacrifices herself to allow the little tyke to escape. This, in turn, gives Loomis the less-than-stellar idea to set Myers up in his old house. Cue set piece of boredom before the mildly amusing scene of old man Pleasance bludgeoning a tranquilised Myers to death. Except he won’t be fucking dead, because I’ve still got part 6, H20, Resurrection and the fucking remakes to go, a prospect about as appealing as rimming the rotten corpse of Margaret Thatcher.

Girls just wanna have fu-un! Girls just wanna have fun.  Just as well, because nobody else is.

“Girls just wanna have fu-un! Girls just wanna have fun.”
Just as well, because nobody else is.

Oh and there’s some cunt dressed in black randomly murdering people as well. He’s really important, in that he breaks Myers out of gaol in the climax of the film. Yippee! A cliffhanger. Halle-fucking-lujah, as we know how this series treats cliffhangers. It’ll probably all be a fucking dream at the start of the next one, with a teenage Jamie Lee Curtis waking up and hammering herself to death with a 9 inch dildo.

This is, to put it gently, a fucking awful film on every level. There’s nothing resembling tension, it’s astronomically dense, it’s not amusing, it’s a lame rehash of things we’ve already seen, the acting, Harris and Cornell aside sucks so hard it could strip chrome off a bumper, and even fucking Pleasance is phoning it in. I hate this film. On the plus side, Glynn takes her top off.

No, he won't stab me. Because that whole blinding then setting on fire thing was just banter between mates. And I've got the melty face to prove it.

No, he won’t stab me. Because that whole blinding then setting on fire thing was just banter between mates. And I’ve got the melty face to prove it. So no hard feelings.

Just to indicate how goddamned stupid the film is, there’s the whole “Jamie has the magic power to calm Michael down by turning him from the dark side and banishing his anger like a cut price exorcist” nonsense. This manifests itself in the truly laughable sequence where she persuades him to take off his mask, and a single manly tear rolls down his cheek. Probably slammed his cock in a fridge door or something. Not that it makes an iota of difference, because for no good reason, he then puts the mask back on and carries on trying to off the kid.

Then there’s the “comic” relief provided by the two cretinous cops assigned to look after Jamie. They even get special clown music to make sure that we know that this is to lighten the mood, and is meant to be funny. Which is just as well, because without the music, I’d not have worked out that it was supposed to be comic relief, and would have assumed it was just another example of the craptitude of this film. It is, incidentally, another example of the craptitude of this film, but that’s neither here nor there.

Oh, and at one point Michael knocks himself out by running into a fucking tree.

Not to mention that the mask looks like shit.

Ach, fuck this film. Orangutan of fucking Doom, all the way.

Orangutan of Doom

Next up is the last of the original run of Halloween films, and one of Pleasance’s last movies (if not his last). It’s the truly execrable Halloween 6: We make a half arsed attempt to explain the mythology.

Until then,

Jarv

PS. I know this was barely a review, more a plot summary with added swearing, but this film is so awful I couldn’t be arsed to waste what’s left of my brain analysing it. Sorry about that.

Halloween logo

 

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

18 responses to “Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (on the audience)”

  1. Jarv says :

    I really really hate this film.

    Just in case I’m not clear on that.

    • angryscholar says :

      It’s embarrassing, but I’ve only ever seen the first Halloween (and the first Friday the XIII, and the first Nightmare on Elm Street) in its entirety. But it seems to me that the parallels between Halloween and Friday make it all even more freaking ridiculous. I didn’t know, for example, that a character in Halloween developed telepathy–but isn’t that exactly the same thing they did with Jason in Friday, when he gets chained up at the bottom of the lake or whatever and then some kid with sets him free with mind-bullets? (All my knowledge of this is from Wikipedia). I guess when slasher directors run out of ideas they inevitably go the half-assed supernatural route.

      • angryscholar says :

        Actually, I take it back: I think I did watch all of Jason Goes to Hell. And I watched New NIghtmare, but I don’t think that counts.

      • Jarv says :

        Heh.

        That’s kind of my point though- that was Friday 7 (I think), the New Breed, and they killed him with telekinesis

        After that the series had nowhere to go but stupidland- so the next ones were Jason Takes Manhatten (terrible), and Jason goes to Hell (less said about that the better).

        The series only improved when they sent him to space.

        Halloween, on the other hand, had 2 attempts to get away from Michael Myers, the first was part 3 where they tried to turn it into an anthology thing, and then the second was part 4 where they tried to pass the torch to Jamie. There was literally no reason at all to introduced the “magic”. The real reason they did it was for part 6, which is purely about the cult to explain his power, but part 5 was such a bomb that there was 6 years between sequels- and it just makes part 5 seem even dafter.

        Part 7, H20 basically pretends 4-6 don’t exist. Which is wise, in context.

      • angryscholar says :

        Have you seen the Halloween remakes yet? Interested to know what you think (I’ve only seen the first one).

        Franchises are the most horrifying undead creatures of all, I guess. They just won’t die.

      • Jarv says :

        No, I’ve been putting them off. I imagine it’ll be a less than thrilling end to this series.

        I’m actually going to do a “Franchise Summary” at the end, which I never do (I’ve done loads of these now), because I think there’s something quite interesting to be said about Halloween.

        It needs rebooting, by someone that understands that the original, while the prototype slasher, was actually almost bloodless, and was a suspense film rather than the boring game of spot the corpse the series became. Other than part 6, of course, which while terrible is completely insane.

      • angryscholar says :

        I’ll look forward to reading your summary. It might be interesting if they could do something more sophisticated with the Shape, but at this stage I’ve mostly lost all faith in reboots.

  2. Just Pillow Talk says :

    Heh….the series has won.

    • Jarv says :

      Not yet it hasn’t. I think my absolute defeat will be probably around about half way through the first remake.

      H20 isn’t actually that bad, although Busta Rhymes v Michael Myers is dire. It’s the two remakes I’m dreading.

  3. Judge Droid says :

    I’m pretty useless for you here, moreso than usual anyway, as all I can say is that I haven’t seen it and it sounds shit. You’ve got more pain to come as well.

    • Jarv says :

      It honks, frankly. I’ve also seen 6, H20 and Ressurrection, and they’re all terrible (with H20 actually looking good in comparison to the other 2).

      Dreading the remakes.

  4. Continentalop says :

    You know what this series is like Jarv? Like someone keeps lighting a bag of shit on your doorstep, and even though you know it is a flaming bag of shit, you still go outside and stump it out.

    You’re obviously on the Great Pumpkin’s shit list.

  5. ThereWolf says :

    “… a prospect about as appealing as rimming the rotten corpse of Margaret Thatcher.”

    Thank you, Jarv, thank you for an unbidden image I would have rather done without.

    This sounds like a desultory experience. Glad I won’t ever have to see it. Sorry you had to – but well done anyway.

    • Toadkillerdog says :

      I know i will regret this, but what does “rimming the rotten corpse of maggie thatcher” mean?
      And BTW way jarv, that is a very funny line even if i have only a slight idea what it means.
      Oh yeah and a desultory – AHHHHH Theres a Therewolf!

      • Jarv says :

        Er…

        Rimming is probably best explained by Urban Dictionary.

        Maggie died about a year ago.

        It’s not a pleasant combination.

    • Jarv says :

      Cheers Wolf.

      Wish I’d never started it.

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