6th January, 2014  

The Ashes

Ashes DrubbingAustralia 5 – England 0

The most comprehensive drubbing I’ve ever seen, and I grew up in the glory years of Australian cricket. No wonder Jarv has gone AWOL.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so here you go…

Ashes Broken

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About Judge Droid

In between refining my procrastination skills I talk a lot of shit about movies and such.

20 responses to “The Ashes”

  1. Judge Droid says :

    To the many of you who don’t care, the next Ashes series isn’t for 18 months, so you have lengthy reprieve.

    Reply
    • Xiphos0311 says :

      DAMN! 18 months!!!!!! FUCK

      Reply
      • Judge Droid says :

        heh I knew you’d be upset by that news.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m Internet less at the minute or I’d have posted a massive tirade about this.

        Well done Australia.

        Fuck off you 9 embarrassments allegedly representing us. Broad and Stokes- well done lads, only 2 that turned up.

        Worst effort in history.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I considered writing up a full evaluation of the series, but it was so astonishingly one sided that it would have just been beating a dead horse. I like that Stokes kid, and Broad did bowl with effort and intent (although he wasn’t particularly good most of the time). Also thought Carberry batted well overall. Too slow but he was one of the few who put a high value on his wicket. He was very unlucky a couple of times, like playing on through his legs, and he was out caught to a couple of screamers. Apart from that it was dogshit and every replacement you brought in seemed to be worse than the last.

        Mitch was player of the series (amazing) and ol’ Iron Gloves Haddin was as very close run second (just as amazing). The only real failure was Bailey who looks like a short form specialist (although good at short leg). And Watto needs to either drop down to 6 so we can get a real number 3 or just piss off entirely.

        And lastly…

        Stokes – New Zealand.
        Rankin – Ireland.
        Ballance – Zimbabwe.

        Hey, at least Borthwick was born in England. heh

      • Judge Droid says :

        Good on ’em.

        http://www.theguardian.com/sport/2014/jan/08/matt-prior-stuart-broad-man-bridge-jumping-sydney

      • Jarv says :

        What did they say?

        Could be worse, you could be in the England XI.

      • Jarv says :

        Just watched pacific rim and WWZ.

        Rim= hilariously stupid and terrible. Jax crybaby is a horrid actor

        WWZ= total shit.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Didn’t think much of Rim, and the main guy can’t act for shit. Thought WWZ was okay for the first half.

      • Jarv says :

        He really can’t. You should see him in SoA.

        Thought WWZ was total shit start to finish. I have nothing good to say about it.

      • Jarv says :

        Played a lot of PS3.

        Bioshock 3 is good.
        Borderlands 2 ditto
        GTA V as well

        Still prefer Last of Us to all of them.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I have both Bioshock 3 and Borderlands 2. Couldn’t really get into either. Both remain unfinished. GTA V is brilliant. I finished Arkham Origins the other day. I’d rank it behind City and probably Asylum. It’s solid, but that’s about it.

      • Jarv says :

        Bioshock 3 is ludicrously overrated. It’s OK, but nowhere near as good as its predecessor.

        FPS’s don’t really do it for me, though.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Jax was in Pacific rim does he still continually swallow his words to hide the accent?

      • Jarv says :

        Yes.

        He’s awful

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        figured he might.

      • ThereWolf says :

        WWZ – I quite liked the creeping about bit at the end, the rest was a bit iffy but not as terrible as I thought it was gonna be.

        Pacific Rim – was enjoyable idiocy & again much better than I expected.

        Cricket – I thought England were very unlucky; most of the wickets the Aussies took were offside & Cook should’ve had a penalty.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        see the whole WHO part brought the the entire momentum of the movie to a dead stop for me. Actually everything after the part in Korea wasn’t very good. in my opinion the best part of WWZ was the Korean sequence.

  2. Jarv says :

    Right. Have internets. Tirade time.

    Taking nothing away from an excellent Aussie performance, but…

    This fucking shambles has been coming for a while- since the tour to the UAE in 2011.

    The tactics are stale, and the batting line up is no longer good enough to bore teams into submission. Furthermore, the scoring rate is so slow that any team worth it’s salt can either wait them out or destroy them with pace/ Spin.

    This team has essentially been together since 2008. There are a number of players clearly past their best, but every single player bought into the side has been fucked around something fierce until their confidence is destroyed:

    Joe Root- played every position from 1-8 in 15 tests. Dropped, despite not being worst batsman,

    Ravi Bopara- bought in and out like a steam driven dildo on a nympho whore. Whatever he may have had he doesn’t now have.

    Nick Compton. Dropped for scoring too slowly! (in this fucking side)

    Steve Finn- 90mph bowler told to bowl “Dry” at 80. Action tinkered with. Fucked.

    Simon Kerrigan. Potential. Blown.

    Chris Woakes (see above).

    Eoin Morgan- unconventional and flower’s side doesn’t do unconventional. Tinkered with and ruined.

    Scott Borthwick is not a bowler. Picking him as a spinner is fucking stupid. He had the 14th best average FOR HIS FUCKING COUNTY.

    Carberry- deserves to keep his spot. Won’t.

    Ballance- does not deserve to keep his spot. Probably will.

    Bairstow- going to carry the can for the wicket-keeping mess, which is prior’s fault.

    James Taylor- faced down Morkel, Steyn et al. Dropped for no good reason. Unlikely to play again under flower.

    Onions- Dropped for no good reason. Badly missed in Australia.

    Monty- JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I’M CROSS ABOUT THIS ONE.

    Rankin- Not fit, and everyone knew it.

    Steve Davies. This one makes me really cross.

    Then there’s the “old favourites selection blunders”:

    Trott- mentally fucking ill, for fuck’s sake. What the fuck was he doing on tour?

    Tremlett- every man and his dog knew he’d lost his pace

    Bresnan- not fit.

    Swann- someone must have known his arm was fucked.

    The following senior players are also shot-

    Cook: Never been a good captain, but the way he handled Monty at Melbourne, Kerrigan at the Oval, and Borthwick in Sydney makes me want to set him on fire. His batting has gone as well. Strip him of the captaincy.

    Bell- This is typical Shermi. Golden patch, followed by 2 years of shite. Unfortunately, he’s too old to do that now.

    KP- Not interested any more. Blatantly.

    Anderson- lost his speed. Never been as good as made out.

    Prior- shot

    Swann- goodbye and fuck off

    Trott- I feel sorry for him, but he should never have been on tour.

    The buck for this fiasco has to stop with Flower and Cook. I’m so angry at the pitiful lily livered way we surrendered that I’m tempted to fire half the fucking team. Apparently, Flower tells the ECB what type of player he’s looking for and they go and find them. This is not his fucking job. His job is to get the bets out of the best players. Forcing attacking batsmen like Carbs, KP and Bell to play fucking dry is stupid. Forcing fast bowlers like Finn and Broad to lose speed and bowl back of a length is stupid. Not knowing who your fucking reserve wicketkeeper is also fucking stupid.

    And now that total cunt Flower is briefing against KP in the press. I can’t believe it.

    We turned up overconfident, underprepared and with a number of serious problems not addressed. I called the whitewash after Brisbane, as this was so similar to India’s last disastrous tour of us that it fucking stank to high heaven.

    Fire Flower, Fire Gooch and shoot Saker into the sun. Give head coach’s job to Vaughan (except he doesn’t want it), but failing him Collingwood.

    Then strip Cook of Captaincy.

    I’d want this team:

    Cook,
    Carbs (but not defensive)
    Bell (one series. He wants it, he can fucking have it)
    KP (Last year)
    Root
    Stokes
    Bairstow (give the lad a run)
    Woakes
    Broad (Captain)
    FInn
    Monty

    To be seriously considered: Gale, Lyth, Compton, Taylor, Onions, Mills, Buttler, Hales.

    To never darken our doorstep again: Anderson, Trott, Prior, Bresnan (if he can’t regain fitness).

    The only players to emerge with a semblance of credit are Broad, who averaged 25 and faced down the most hostile crowd any cricketer could face. Fair fuck’s to him.

    Stokes- find.

    Carberry- Did OK. Not earth-shattering, but better than the rest.

    Fucking fuming.

    Again, though. Credit to Australia. Mitch and Haddin’s renaissance was a credit to the team, the management and the captain.

    Reply
  3. Judge Droid says :

    The poms won a test!!!

    http://www.theguardian.com/sport/2014/jan/13/womens-ashes-england-australia-test

    Reply

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