ToadKillerDog falls in love with Mathilda May…

TKD

It’s always nice when we get a new contributor. This time out it’s Below the line regular and caretaker of the most alcoholic dog in continental America ToadKillerDog.

He’s popping his critical cherry with perennial alcohol accompaniment favourite, Tobe Hooper’s epic and completely coke-fueled Lifeforce.

Take it away TKD…

The review/recap. There be spoilers ahead -only 28 years later

The 1980’s.  Anytime a decade can run the gamut from Rocky III to Mac and Me and have time to include Slim Whitman, Axl Rose and Michael Jackson in-between- don’t even go there, you know some serious weirdness has taken place. I spent most of that decade in the service of Gods greatest creation: The United States Marine Corps. So, I missed my opportunity to wear shoulder pads and have a mullet while enjoying a free three martini lunch. Dang. I also missed a few movies. One of which I have been hearing about ever since I joined up with this motley group known as the Changians and so I have recently rectified that omission. That movie is: Lifeforce.

lifeforce

Based upon Colin Wilson’s 1976 novel, Space Vampires, this Tobe Hooper directed science fiction- horror- vampire-zombie, action flick was purportedly written by Dan O’Bannon and Don Jakoby. I say purportedly because I doubt they got any further in the script other than “Beautiful Girl Walks naked throughout… fap-fap-fap”.  Producer Cannon films had pretensions of  elevating this production above their usual fare of cheapness, into a genuine big-budget (for them) 25 Million blockbuster. They failed.

First, they jettisoned the novel’s title, because it does sound like a Roger Corman vehicle , or a typically cheap Cannon film. Then they “attached “ the project to a whole host of big name British films stars from Sir John Gielgud to Anthony Hopkins,  before finally settling on Peter Firth as Col.  Caine of the SAS and Frank Finlay as  researcher Dr. Fallada – who just so happens to have an unhealthy fixation on death and the afterlife. The cast also included  an embarrassingly bad, but highly entertaining cameo from a pre-Picard; Patrick Stewart, and the ever reliable to overact, Steve Railsback  as the American Col. Carlsen who commands the space mission.

Love at first sight for TKD

The movie opens promisingly with a joint European and American crew of the space shuttle Churchill, rocketing with the aid of their Nerva Drive to a rendezvous with Halley’s Comet. After discovering a space craft within the comet, they investigate and find three apparently dead, but well preserved humanoid and totally naked, lifeforms contained in what appears to be glass coffins. They also see hundreds if not thousands of dead giant bat-like creatures. Seeing the naked form of the female humanoid creature played with spectacular nakedness by Mathilda May – more on her later, all of the men on the expedition immediately reassess their positions on necrophilia (they are for it!) – never mind alien  necrophilia, except for Carlsen who has always been in favor of getting it on with the dead. However, none of them considered the consequences of space herpes. Oh yes, there were two naked alien dudes there as well, but if the women on the expedition were similarly overcome with desire, it was not noted and who cares anyway.

After bringing the creatures aboard the Churchill – which has been out of radio contact with Earth, the action shifts to thirty days later and a worried Earth HQ which dispatches a rescue mission  as the apparently disabled craft  has made its way home on auto pilot. The rescuers discover a burned out hulk with all the crew dead and one escape pod missing. They also discover three naked humanoids in glass coffins. So, of course they bring them back to Earth. The magnificent Mathilda May – I promise more on her later, awakens and sucks the lifeforce (Mathilda May sucks!) out of a guard and escapes, while being observed by  Dr. Deathstalker Fallada and some other Doctor chap who is entirely superfluous – and disappears shortly thereafter. Meanwhile the escape pod with Steve R. crashes in Texas, and SAS man Colin Caine takes over the investigation. Steverino  tells all he knows – although not fessing-up to his alien dead banging, then he is put under observation where he dreams of Mathilda – who wouldn’t?

She'll kill you. It'd probably be worth it.

She’ll kill you. It’d probably be worth it.

He is hypnotized where it is discovered he has a link to double M, they trace the link where it ultimately leads to a  hospital manager played  by an over the top, overwrought and obviously needing to make next month’s rent; Patrick Stewart who single-handedly chewed  through ten million dollars  worth of scenery  in one take! But it turns out they were deceived and that Matilda only lured them out to the countryside to prevent them from stopping the real threat which is the male vamps who escaped and  who start turning everyone they meet into vampzoms– although one of  male vamps looks to have been staked in the heart  with a sword by Dr. Fallada. Suddenly London is on fire as riotous vampzoms lay waste to old blighty.  Everyone  who is turned into a vampzom  winds up sending their dying lifeforce through the female vampire zombie laying fully clothed  (why Matilda, why?) on an altar, up into the ship from the comet that has just entered orbit. Apparently the dead giant bats are the true form of the vampzoms, and supposedly are the actual vampires of Human legend. Let’s just leave it at that.

SAS dude retrieves the sword, but not before Dr. Deathstalker – who seems hellbent on finding out if life after death exists, tries for some reason to kill him – must have been a bad editing cut (certainly not the first) – I assume Dr. D was infected somehow, but not completely drained, and was turned, even though he killed one of the vamps who did it. I assume that, it was never explained. Wasted too much time on that need to get to Mathilda!

Not so much in love with Patrick Stewart Mind.

Carlsen, finds double M, and they screw  standing up because they can and because she tells him they are part of each other now because she shared her alien essence or  vampzom sex juices when he banged her dead body –  see? Space herps. Gets ya every time.  SAS guy arrives with sword, he hands it to Carlsen who is still doing the vertical alien bang – because he can, and he promptly stabs double M in the back while he is still, uh attached to her from the front – her back with that beautiful rear end, is to SAS guy so she never see’s it coming! Heh. The sword impales both of them, but their essence travels to the ship and the ship is satisfied – it is Mathilda afterall, and disappears. Movie over.

This flick is all over the place. It has no idea what it wants to be. A serious sci-fi, or a tongue-in-cheek horror. Action adventure, or voyeur porn. You name it and they throw it on the screen. From awful over acting, to wondrous nakedness. Mathilda! From mass destruction  – London getting blowed-up good, to contemplation of the afterlife.  And yet…it somehow works. It is not a good movie. But it is not a bad one either. It is entertaining and deliriously stupid.

Inexplicable.

Lets get to what really makes this work and worth looking at.

Mathilda May!

She was butt naked throughout except for some inexplicable reason near the end of the flick where  they put her in a robe laying on an altar! Why? Was she cold? Get some heaters. Was it because after weeks of seeing her naked perfection – massively conical and majestic breasts and a perfectly sculpted  rear end that is simply the greatest in all of cinematic history, that the crew finally could no longer contain themselves so she was covered up for her own protection? Nonsense! If she was not attacked on the very first day  of her on set nekkidness ( I have seen no reports one way or the other), then she never would be, because the crew were obviously composed of eunuchs.

The magnificent double M is worth the price of the DVD all by herself. This is the greatest on screen debut since Bruce the shark bit the boat.

3

I give this flick a 2 out of four flying Toads – before factoring in double M. Which pushes this thing into a 3 out of 4 flying Toads and a must see!

Toadkillerdog

 

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

39 responses to “ToadKillerDog falls in love with Mathilda May…”

  1. Jarv says :

    Still a classic.

    Cherry popped TKD- no problems at all. Welcome to the legions of critics out there…

  2. Jarv says :

    I’m not sure they can legitimately claim that Lifeforce was the cinematic sci fi event of the 80’s.

    Mathilda May’s boobs might be, though

    • Toadkillerdog says :

      Beyond a doubt Mathilda Magnifique is the most glorious creature put upon the screen in the 1980’s!

      Those titanically erect and proud breasts, and that other-worldly ass that you could float the 7th fleet on!

      You guys have gone on and on over the Bellucci twins – and deservedly so, but Mathilda! Good gravy!

      Why did it take me so long to discover this?

  3. kloipy says :

    Great review TKD, she was indeed beautiful! Ready for the next review man!

  4. ThereWolf says :

    Brilliant, TKD – and what a film to kick off with!

    I fuckin love Lifeforce, and I particularly love Ms. May. Endlessly quotable and the scenes of chaos in London are epic.

    Can’t wait to get me paws on the metal case/ blu-ray – I’ve had it on pre-order for months! Think it’s out end of September…

  5. tombando says :

    Remember–Tobe Hooper is the Word here folks.

  6. Barfy says :

    You and Rufus did yourselves proud. Great write up Toad. Never saw it but you make it sound like a good Saturday night popcorn movie.

  7. Just Pillow Talk says :

    Heh…this is a dumb movie yet so enticing due to many wtf moments and great display of nakedness.

    I would say you are off to a stellar start toad.

  8. Xiphos0311 says :

    Nice one TKD.

    I have not seen this flick since forever but I will look for it to watch it again.

    • Toadkillerdog says :

      Thanks Xi.
      I have been meaning to try both the movie and an attempt at a review for years, they just came together at the right time

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        So what’s next?

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        I do have one in mind. A Jeff Goldblum early 80’s flick called Into The Night. One of my personal favorites. I only have it on a faded VHS tape. I will get a blu ray or dvd and when i get some free time in next few weeks, i will give it a go

  9. M. Blitz says :

    That was awesome TKD! I demand more. And the lady’s nakedness is truly a thing to behold. 80s nakedness is preferable to nakedness today, in my opinion.

    Great review, dude.

    • Toadkillerdog says :

      Blitz,
      its great to see you posting here again!
      I have to agree with you on the nakedness factor. double M was 100% natural, its rare to see that today!

  10. Continentalop says :

    Great review TDK. I haven’t seen this flick forever, and the only thing I do remember is Mathilda May…

    Hooper was one whacky director back then. I still am not sure if he was talented or just crazy, or both.

    • Toadkillerdog says :

      Thanks Conti.
      Jarv thinks Tobe was hopped up on some crack back then!
      Seeing this flick, i do not doubt that!

      • Continentalop says :

        I don’t think he got to crack yet when he made this, but I do think he upped his cocaine amount from 1 kilo to 2 kilo a week during this shoot.

    • Jarv says :

      Lifeforce was the third part of the Tobe Hooper fuckup experience. He had 3 big-ish films in a row and made a right hash of all of them.

  11. Judge Droid says :

    Heh. This is a terrible movie. But it’s genius. BOOOOOOOOOOBS! Nice one, TKD.

  12. MORBIUS says :

    Hey TKD,
    Nice write-up pally.
    Hard to believe you’d never seen this until now.
    Heh … conical.
    Mathilda exemplifies the term … built like a brick outhouse!
    You should check-out Jenny A. in WALKABOUT.
    Or Susan Sarandon in her prime in JOE(1970)
    And if you wanna give ol’ Rufus a treat, let him watch
    A BOY AND HIS DOG.
    Maybe you could do a piece on FORBIDDEN PLANET?
    Wassail!

  13. alfonsoalvaradov says :

    Late to the party I know, but still I feel compelled to wholeheartedly agree with everything that toadkillerdog said about the otherworldly Goddess that’s Mathilda May as the Space Girl.

    Seriously, as show in the movie, she has a body to die for!

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