The Ashes 2013: The Oval
The Poms really are crap at celebrating. (The pic is actually from the first test, but still, the point remains.)
Okay, so the series is decided. After getting off to a great start chasing 300, the Aussies collapsed and since we don’t have Pattinson and Starc or Agar wasn’t selected we didn’t have any tailenders to try to bail us out. Fair play to the Poms who have got over the line in the two tests Australia stood a chance in. They were lucky to get away with it at Old Trafford.
So the series is decided, but there’s still some interest to be had. Aussies are playing for a bit of pride, and a lot of overcoming a psychological handicap of not knowing how to win. They’ve dropped Khawaja, moved Watson up to 3 and brought in Faulkner as the all-rounder. This has done absolutely nothing to fix our horribly fragile batting order. However, Starc is back in the side, at the expense of the ineffective Jackson Bird.
For the Poms, Simon Kerrigan and Chris Woakes are making their debuts. On this I have no comment, because I have no idea who they are. Woakes has come in for Bairstow and Kerrigan (who is a spinner apparently) is replacing the injured Tim Bresnan.
Teams
England: 1 Alastair Cook (capt), 2 Joe Root, 3 Jonathan Trott, 4 Kevin Pietersen, 5 Ian Bell, 6 Matt Prior (wk), 7 Chris Woakes, 8 Stuart Broad, 9 Graeme Swann, 10 James Anderson, 11 Simon Kerrigan
Australia: 1 Chris Rogers, 2 David Warner, 3 Shane Watson, 4 Michael Clarke (capt), 5 Steven Smith, 6 Brad Haddin (wk), 7 James Faulkner, 8 Peter Siddle, 9 Mitchell Starc, 10 Ryan Harris, 11 Nathan Lyon
Toss
Michael Clarke won the toss. Australia will bat first.
Werewolves On The Moon 
First one gone. Warner, who was batting like a cunt, played a shot like a cunt and got out like a cunt. 1-11.
Watto in at 3. This won’t last long.
Woakes is serving up pies to Watto. Thanks.
50 for Watto.
The two new Poms are getting belted. Good.
Woakes?
Eh. Blooding a kid with the series won.
Never heard of this Kerrigan cunt. If we’re picking 2 spinners one should be Monty.
Daft.
Watto saving his career here.
1-112 at lunch. Good session for the Aussies thanks to Watto. And Woakes. And Kerrigan.
Yup. Aussies morning.
Painfully bad innings from Clarke mercifully ended by Jimmy
I wonder if his back’s fucked again. Because he was barely able to move from what I saw of his batting.
This Kerrigan cunt is rank.
Well batted Watto. Now go on with it. No one else seems to be able to bat today.
3-183 at tea. Poms session that. Cook dropped a sitter from Watto. Couldn’t have happened to a more deserving cunt.
Our session just. Warner remains shite, Watto has saved his career. Bad drop from Cook (who has dropped almost all of the slip drops from England)
Broad bowling brilliantly, with no luck. Rogers and Clarke were horrible, Warner is shite, Lot on the debutant here.
No idea why we’ve picked Kerrigan. None. Insane selection.
Woakes I can at least understand as a replacement for Bressie, given that he can bat a bit, but Kerrigan? Never heard of the cunt.
Warner was very, very good in the last test, second innings. Only got out to a freak ball from Bresnan that bounced off the pitch like a rubber ball.
Didn’t think much of Broad from what I saw. Bowled one or two good balls but far from “brilliant”.
Unless this Kerrigan cunt does an Agar, it’s a shithouse selection.
Watched most of it, he had Clarke in particular hopping all over the place. Also, he was fast, nasty and accurate. It was only shit fielding and catching that stopped him having a few.
English WHO looks like an appalling selection. Why the fuck they didn’t go for Monty is a mystery.
Clarke was out of sorts. Monty wasn’t selected because he’s in the shithouse for taking a piss on a bouncers head.
Couldn’t care less that Monty did that.
He’d walk into most international sides, so if you want to play 2 spinners, fucking pick him.
You don’t care, but the ecb do.
They just don’t like Monty, and I have no idea why. Refused to pick him in fucking India in the first test. England lose, they select him and he rips through the Indian batting line up in the next 2.
It’s nuts.
Clarke has had a very,. very average series. One stellar innings and an awful lot of shite. Not helped by that he has received the best bowling from England of all the Aussie batsmen.
Yes. I reckon his back is still fucked. But either way he’s not had a great series. Neither has Cook for that matter.
Cook has been total garbage. Not as bad as Trott, or before today, Watson, but this is definitely one to forget for both captains.
To be honest, when I do the summary of the series, none of the batsmen other than Ian Ronald Bell really come out smelling of roses.
Yes this is true. Root has been shit as well.
Good catch. Well batted Watto.
Root has had one match winning score and a lot of shit.
Should have been out on about 10, but yes, it was a very good innings. Other than that though, he’s been terrible.
150 up for Watson. Superb innings so far.
Shithouse pitch this one.
Australia all out for roughly 500ish. England collapse imminent.
Hee hee.
LBW review by Watson, and unbelievably, he actually wasn’t out this time.
That cunt is a terrible umpire. Him and Hill need to be fired.
Hopeless.
The only thing worse than the batting in this series has been the umpiring.
4-307. Aussies day.
Predict Smith will get out cheaply this morning.
Well, maybe this afternoon since it’s raining.
This thing ever end?
heh This is the last test of the series. However, there’s a whole new series starting in November. So you’ve got a lot to look forward to.
so what you are saying is that it’s really a relentless unending display of cunts wearing unsullied white uniforms?
Yes. In this instance. This is a unique situation because this series was delayed from 2012 because if the Olympics. They are normally 2 years apart. So enjoy it while you can!
There’s Cricket in the Olympics?
No, but it was a global sporting event that was due to take place in the same country at the same time.
Took me a bit to remember that London hosted the last Summer Olynpics
What!?!?! It was a sporting triumph that would teach young Englanders how to lead happier, healthier lives. Until 12 months later when 80% of the sporting funding is cut.
Yeah bad on me for forgetting.
or is it becasue the venue was taken?
Aye. Lords was overtaken by archery of all things.
what’s the deal with the dude in the middle of that picture are his arms broke or is he recreating that chick from the Seinfeld episode? And what’s up with the due to his right? the one looking like he’s trying out to be the keep on trucking guy or a Southern black school Drum Major?
heh Yes they really do celebrate like wankers.
You should see them bounce up and down in unison. It’s a sight to behold.
I’ve seen many an amazing sight in my lifetime. The sky above Kabul filled with kites, Mayan ruins, the moon looking like its hanging just out of reach over the waves of the ocean, but if I die and never see that I think I’ll be okay with it.
Pffft. You ain’t seen nuthin’.
Sids out. Bowled by Anderson. 5-324.
Smith brings up his hundred with a 6. And then Haddin got himself out. 6-393
6-397 at tea. WHO? is on 112.
8-477. Will declare any minute.
Harris out. Good catch from Anderson. Well clubbed Harris. 9-491.
492 declared. Well batted Smith. 138 not out.
Now, we need a couple of wickets at least tonight.
Should have declared at 450.
England won’t get anywhere near that and the weather is meant to be shit.
To be fair, they only faced about 5 overs after getting to 450.
True.
I don’t get the way they’re handling Starc either.
While he’s utter shithouse, dropping him every other game can’t be doing any favors to the lad’s confidence.
Yeah, I don’t know what the deal is there. Perhaps they’re mindful that all our young bowlers keep getting injured. Cummins is out of the Aussie summer (3rd in a row), Pattinson injured himself, and Bird has also gone home injured.
Starc is just bowling the completely wrong line to Cook. And when he does it’s too short.
He’s been garbage, but this is bad player management.
Root needs to play a shot other than forward defensive.
Yet to be convinced by him.
Meh.
One great innings and a load of shit.
Basically the same as everyone not called Shermi.
I’m not convinced either, though.
Surprisingly the next most consistent batsman in WHO? He’s got a few decent scores and the century. Bellend has been far better than everyone else.
Astonishing.
This is actually gash bowling by the Aussies. Too wide.
I think they’re looking for swing, but there isn’t any.
Yep. That’s why Faulkner is on now. That and Starc was shite.
Total waste of new ball this
Annoyingly the sky is clear.
Shit bowling this.
Think it’s fine.
Starc is the new Zoolander.
Without the occasional devastating spell.
Too wide. Too erratic. Need to make them play.
Starc blows. He’s shit.
To be fair, though, the pitch is giving fuck all. If its not overcast then it’s really line and length, and they’ve not done that.
Sids did. And they were also bowling to two batsmen who had no interest in scoring, only in surviving.
Harris was far too wide as well. But if any player is allowed a duff spell, it’s him.
Faulkner was total meh. Sids tried hard but it did fuck all.
Starc was so bad though that its colored my opinion of the rest.
It’s funny, because Harris and Sids are a quality pair, but the likes if Starc, JamPat etc have been total shit.
Sids did fuck all? Nah, he frequently beat the bat and maintained pressure.
Honestly didn’t think he was doing anything aside from keeping it tight.
But given that they weren’t playing at anything, he needed a bit more.
But, he will come back.
I would actually go as far as saying the worst (Agar and English WHO excepted, who shouldn’t have been picked) bowlers on both sides has been Starc and Finn.
The young “fast” and apparently brilliant future.
It worth considering what the series might have shaped up as if Harris and Lyon were selected in the first test. Wouldn’t have had that 98, but a better bowling attack.
Oh blah.
That’s Welsh thinking.
You’d have lost by more with Lyon. Trent Bridge doesn’t take Spin.
Basically, I look at the Aussie side and think there’s a lot of potential.
Unfortunately they can’t get over the line and there’s far far too much shit.
England have played badly, particularly the batting, and won 3 out of 4.
Says it all.
Winning the toss has also been crucial.
Yes.
Given the shiteness of the batting, any pressure and they fold.
Siddle bowled very well. Root played and missed a lot. Faulkner was okay. Harris was fine. Really it was just Starc that was crap.
Harris is so much better than every other Aussie bowler. Sids is a workhorse, and I admire the hell out of him, but Harris is just in another class.
Yes.
Kids are shit, frankly. Sids is awesome in the way hoggy was, but Harris is yards ahead.
0-32 at stumps.
I declare that this all sounds very confusing and I also declare that this thing needs to end it goes on longer then the BASEketball playoffs
Hehehe.
5 days per match and you can finish without a result
And they can sometimes be the most exciting to watch.
Hell yeah.
I’ve watched many a fantastic England rescue mission.
PS cook thinks that this side is better than 2005. I’m sick of this delusion. They aren’t a patch on the 2010 side let alone the best England side I’ve ever seen.
Each match England has won has had two things- an Ian bell ton, and an exceptional performance from a single bowler.
Not a team performance at all.
3 things. The third is a fragile batting side chasing runs.
Utter horseshit. 2005 is the best Pom side I’ve seen in my life.
It’s driving me nuts
short trip!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa you can play 5 days and not have a winner?
Yup.
Mother of god……
Shite bowling from Australia. This is now England’s best opening stand, which goes to show how bad we’ve been.
Starc’s economy rate is really quite good. But it’s because he can’t hit the strip.
This over is total garbage.
So was that one. He’s shit.
Cook’s returned to type- i.e. Boring. Root’s outscoring him at the moment. Slowly.
Grindy grindy grindy.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Expected. All they want to do is see out this test.
For all the nonsense about wanting to win 4-0, it’s bloody odd to pick 2 debutants. Pure experimentation, and a bit patronising.
Still, if you can’t experiment when 3-0 up then you’ll never experiment at all. Although I’ll be very surprised to see a
moneyballFlower side with 5 bowlers again.Crap again from Starc.
Stupid review as well. Unforgivable when you’ve pitched outside leg stump.
You can’t be out LBW if it pitches outside leg stump. This, actually, is the one thing Hawkeye is dead accurate on.
To be LBW, the ball has to pitch either in-line or outside off stump, you have to be hit in line unless playing no stroke, and it has to go on to hit the stumps.
Fuck off Haddin. That’s about the 9 millionth time you’ve appealed for something down leg side that the batsman was nowhere near. I do appreciate that the umpiring is so crap there’s a 50/50 chance they’ll think he hit it, even when a mile away (see Bresnan, Khwaja and so forth), but give it a fucking break.
Now, now. Let’s give him a break. Monkey see monkey do. The Poms appeal at everything, close or not. On the odd occasion they don’t appeal, they squeal like little piggies.
You haven’t. You’ve seen many where it’s just on leg, and a lot that are frankly wrong.
Cook’s gone anyway. Harris (streets ahead of every other Aussie Bowler) again.
Eh? I don’t understand what you mean here. If they’re wrong, then I have.
I should have said “post-hawkeye”-
What I was thinking was of Indian umpires in India before neutral days- or the subcontinent in general. I remember a particularly bent umpire called B.C. Cooray in Sri Lanka that gave bloody everything.
I can’t think of that many since then where it’s been actually outside leg and given out. Certainly not since Hawkeye- because this is one thing it’s 100% accurate on, or they wouldn’t use it for tennis line calls.
Was he allowed to appeal for that?
He’s worse than bloody prior for it. But much better than Prior for LBW calls- Prior appeals every time it hits the pad. It’s a bit annoying, actually.
Prior makes some kind of noise on every single delivery. If it’s close, he appeals. If it’s a little wide, he squeals. If it’s well wide, he oohs like it was almost out. Stump mic’s aren’t good for Prior.
Think his days are numbered, frankly. His keeping has always been a bit duff, and his batting has been piss poor recently.
Trott may as well piss off now. Mind you, our tail starts at 5 today.
Cook has had a really shit series.
He’s been crap in every department. Dropped catches, bad captaincy, only got a couple of 50’s to his name.
Been over this a few times, but really, Bell has been a cut above every other batsman. England are only averaging 31 per wicket, and Australia are only averaging 32. The bowling hasn’t been as good as that, frankly.
Cook is basically the epitome of Flower’s moneyball policy. He’s incapable of thinking outside of the box, and follows pre-ordered plans to the letter. When England win it’s because one of his bowlers (Anderson at Trent Bridge, Swann at Lords, and Broad at Chester Le St) put in a special performance.
His handling of Kerrigan was abominable. Play a kid, on debut, in an Ashes test as a spinner on a wet pitch on the first morning before Lunch with a batsman set on 48- and a destructive batsman at that. Then don’t bowl him again.
Stunningly bad man-management.
Sold him down the river.
Totally fucked him. Completely. Reminds me of what Ponting did to Krezja.
Starc’s too short to Root. Needs to pitch it up, he’s not a front foot player.
Am completely unconvinced about this idea of Woakes as a test 6 batsman. I always had him pegged as an 8, to be honest. Although I don’t watch enough county cricket to say with certainty, and apparently he’s actually good in long form of the game.
Fucking hell this is boring.
Root’s actually scoring quite quickly compared to usual. S/R of 34.
Just had a look at Starc’s Hawkeye thing. He’s all over the fucking place.
That’s really good that thing:
http://www.espncricinfo.com/the-ashes-2013/engine/match/566936.html
Set it to Starc and Over 36. It’s hilarious.
He’s just far too short again this over.
1-97 at lunch. Slow as shit. Playing for a draw. Booooooooring.
Jesus this is boring.
hmmm… I’ve seen many LBW decisions given by on-field umpires where the ball was pitching outside leg.
Could use a wicket or 10 here.
Question… Why does the ball need to pitch in line with the stumps for it to be given out on hawkeye? If it’s going on to hit the stumps, shouldn’t it be given out? I’ve always wondered about that.
Pietersen out. Lazy shot. 4-217.
Fuckssakes.
My birthday and I spent all day getting criticized in Milton fucking Keynes.
Awful.
Well at least you could go and see Pal Joey if you wanted to
http://www.mkweb.co.uk/Art/Pal-Joey-showing-at-MK-Gallery-20130206090000.htm
4-247 at stumps. No one’s day. Horrible day all around.
Woakes out. 5-269.
Fucking Woakes.
Right, just got home and there’s a game here. Poms are having a stab at chasing down another 141. 23 overs to go. Cook just out.
Poms will win if we don’t get KP out right now.
Good bowling here. Run rate creeping up.
64 needed off 60. Poms will kick themselves if they don’t win this.
KP out. Good innings.
Trott out. Reviewed.
Out.
Two new batsmen. 57 off 8.3 overs.
36 off 6.
33 off 30.
Starc is coming on?
Taking them off. If they do that they should be shot.
Starc is costing the Aussies the match
Crowd booing Aussies for time wasting. Oh the irony.
Might have just saved it.
Off for bad light. Shit end unfortunately.
Boooo.
There was only 4 overs left.
Yeah. Shit end. In fairness it looked like a day/nighter.
God, Prior is a cock. He’s apparently pleased they got themselves into a position to win the match despite the go slow of the first 3 days. No, Clarke allowed you the position because he wanted to make a game of it.
To be fair, though, Clarke shat it when he realised they may win.
Australia need to wrap Harris in cotton wool, while England need to hope that Trott, Cook and Prior recover form.
True. But he was doing nothing that Cook wouldn’t have done.
Guardian somehow thinks that Cook is a good captain.
Anyway, congrats to the Poms for winning the series. Some close tests (bar one). Hopefully Harris isn’t seriously injured again.
Real class from the Poms.
http://www.smh.com.au/sport/cricket/england-players-urinate-on-the-oval-20130826-2sl43.html
Embarrassing. Frankly. And Flintoff not there to blame this time.
Isn’t that normal?
Sadly, yes.