The Ashes 2013: Old Trafford

Please god can we have a test without the umpires getting these wrong

And so to Old Trafford.

After the mauling Australia took at Lords, which was genuinely one of the most abject performances that I’ve ever seen from them, I’m feeling strangely confident.

Of course, the curse of the England follower is that even at 2-0 up I am convinced that we’ll find a way to lose the next three.

This is, naturally, daft. During my life, England have been OK to good far more than they’ve been shit, and Australia have never been as bad as they are now.

T.S. Eliot wrote in the Wasteland that April is the cruelest month, because it breeds hope, and hope is the most sadistic of emotions. Thus is life for the England fan, you swear you’re never going back to the filthy whore Hope, yet she turns up at your door full of beauty with great promise. You go off to the pub together, and things are fantastic, before she eventually disappears leaving you to drown your sorrows with her fat and offensively ugly, yet strangely comforting, sister Misery.

Still, It always rains at Old Trafford, and England only need a draw to secure the Ashes. I’d like to win, and win well, but I’ll take it.

All I really hope is that there are no more umpiring cock ups, as it’s been a fucking blight on the series, and both sides have room to complain.

Ciao,

Jarv.

Day 1: Christ on a bike. What did I ask for? One day without an umpiring fuck up. And they managed about 4 to my count. First Khawaja was given out when he quite clearly wasn’t, then Smith got 3 fucking reprieves from crap umpiring 2 of which were clearly out. Anyway, the day was Michael Clarke’s who capitalised on a magnificent start by Chris Rogers. For the first time, Australia put some value on their wickets and have finished on a quite commanding 303-3. Only a terrible collapse can get England back in the game.

Day 2

Australia grind England into dust, eventually declaring for 527.

Then the curse of the shit umpire struck again, with Tim Bresnan given out when nowhere near the ball. Inexplicably he didn’t review.

Australia’s day.

Day 3

Cook grizzled away, while the desperately out of form Trott scored feck all. KP hit a magnificent ton, before being sawn off by another terrible call from the DRS. Still, England hung on, and the follow on looks like it should be avoided with Broad and Prior at the crease.

England’s day.

Day 4

Follow on safely dodged due to some fine hitting from Broad. Australia had a mammoth lead, and the question was how fast could they accelerate it.

Making for a hattrick of shocking hotspot decisions, Warner gets a life when he edges one, although it wasn’t too costly. From thereon in it devolved into farce with England frantically stalling, knowing a draw retains the Ashes, some hideously negative bowling and some shite batting from the Aussies. Eventually compounded by another piece of rancid umpiring, this time regarding light (They were having trouble picking the ball up from square leg, which is no surprise, as they couldn’t pick it up from behind the stumps) when they asked Cook if, knowing he needed a draw, he would kindly bowl spin. The totally unsurprising “no” resulted in them taking the players off when the light was actually fine.

Great job morons. Then down came the rain.

Australia are 330ish ahead, with one day to go and a horrible weather forecast. I think Clarke has actually delayed the declaration too long here, but the proof will be today.

Day Drawn, Umpires fail.

Day 5

Shit umpiring, again, with this time KP getting his second duff decision of the test. Not that it mattered, as it pissed it down all day and thus England drew.

Job done. Ashes retained, but I find myself less than whelmed by this. Interesting to see what happens in the next test. Except I’m in Spain, so hopefully it absolutely hammers it down for 5 days.

 

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

436 responses to “The Ashes 2013: Old Trafford”

  1. Jarv says :

    Huzzah!

    Round 3. Here we go…

  2. Judge Droid says :

    Need to somehow find a way to win. First step, put up a fight. Show some patience. Hit the bad ball. Solid in defense. You know, normal Test cricket technique. Also, whoever comes in needs to bowl with more control and discipline.

    And we need to win the toss.

  3. Xiphos0311 says :

    Who’s ahead at elevensies?

  4. Judge Droid says :

    Really good day for us. Exactly what was required.

  5. Judge Droid says :

    Watching the post-day wrap up. Good lord Smith is lucky. Both LBW could have been given out. The second one was plumb.

  6. Judge Droid says :

    Khawaja on the other hand. How the fuck was that not overturned? What evidence does the third umpire need to overturn it? What the fuck?

    • Jarv says :

      The Smith Catch was out as well.

      No wonder no cunt walks.

      I’ve been reading about hotspot and the problems with at are basically this:

      1) It can only guarantee a positive- just because there isn’t a mark doesn’t mean that he hasn’t hit it because of…

      2) It doesn’t work in hot temperatures properly (!!!!!)

      3) It isn’t guaranteed to work with fast bowling (!!!!!!)

      4) Some angles on the bat also cause it to malfunction (!!!!!)

      So, as a result of this, umpires don’t trust it.

      Get rid of it. It’s totally fucking useless.

      Having said that, Khawaja wasn’t out, and it was an appalling decision from the on-field umpire and then an absolute howler from the third. There was about 4 inches of space between bat and ball.

      Smith, on the other hand was out, but because the umpire didn’t give it (probably mindful of the fuck up he made with the Khawaja noise) and there was no hotspot, the third umpire didn’t have enough to overrule. Despite the fact that you could see deviation and there was a thumping great bloody noise. Therefore because of no mark on hotspot, there “wasn’t enough evidence to overrule it”.

      Horseshit.

      They’re trialling real-time snicko and enhanced hotspot in this test- and frankly both are desperately needed. The latter only if they’ve fixed the obvious and manifest bugs.

      • Jarv says :

        Oh, and Broad had Smith LBW as well as Swann but not given.

        Shitty day for the umpires.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Swann didn’t. It was Umpires Call, which means there’s an element of doubt. Those decisions should always benefit the batsman. It was a waste of a review. Broad had him plumb. Should have been given out. But I’ll remind you of your advice in the previous tests. If you had a review left you’d have had it overturned.

      • Jarv says :

        I thought Swann got him again later- that’s what I was referring to.

        I don’t mind not using the review, as it was wasted on the Swann one but the Umpire should be getting this right. I thought he definitely hit the caught behind, definitely- and Snicko had the sound spike as well as the ball passed the edge.

        There’s a certain comedy value to Broad not getting to use a review, though.

      • Judge Droid says :

        The Snicko I saw was a noise after it passed the bat. I don’t think there’s a delay in the sound with snicko.

        For me, there were three absolute fucking howlers.

        1. Khawaja given out on-field.
        2. The decision being upheld by the third umpire.
        3. Smith being given not out against Broad.

        The LBW against Swann was likely out, but there was enough doubt and that should go to the batsman. The caught behind was vindicated by a lack of evidence. Maybe it was out, but I haven’t seen anything that convinces me that it was.

      • Jarv says :

        DRS decisions that result in an “Umpire’s Decision” should not cost a review. I’ve never heard this once mentioned during the first two tests when numerous reviews ended up Umpire’s Decision in favour of England. Now that it’s happened once, by the finest of margins (the same margin that resulted in Hughes being given out LBW at Trent Bridge), it suddenly doesn’t work. I read this in an article in the Guardian and from you. Funny how it’s an issue all of a sudden.

        Bollocks. I’ve been saying it consistently.

        England have had as many shite decisions as Australia have- the Agar run out (should have been out), Root being sawn off twice, Trott (where we complained to the ICC, as Australia did yesterday), and then yesterday’s bundle of garbage.

        It’s been appalling umpiring.

      • Jarv says :

        Now, apparently, hotspot doesn’t work at all. Again, it’s never been an issue until now.

        DRS doesn’t help at all for catches- and I’ve been saying this for years, unless it’s blatant. How many times have we seen a low catch go to the third umpire and it not given because of camera foreshortening playing tricks on the eye? I can think of loads, not least of which was Smith catching Bell in the last test.

        Years ago, when low catches first started being referred, Greig performed a test that proved conclusively that a ball he’d caught low didn’t touch the ground- yet on the camera it looked like it did.

      • Jarv says :

        The LBW against Swann was likely out, but there was enough doubt and that should go to the batsman. The caught behind was vindicated by a lack of evidence. Maybe it was out, but I haven’t seen anything that convinces me that it was.

        There were 2 clear sounds- the first was as the ball passed the edge, and could only have been the ball, and the second was the bat on pad later on.

        Doesn’t matter, though, because snicko isn’t used. Anyway, I saw deviation, and heard the sound- couldn’t believe it wasn’t given, but as the Umpire didn’t give it out on the pitch, barring conclusive evidence it became Umpire’s Call- so clearly Smith gets the benefit of the doubt.

        That tit Tony Hill (responsible for the Khawaja mistake) got it wrong on the field.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I’m wondering what deviation you saw. I saw it replayed a couple of times at various speeds and saw absolutely no deviation.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I agree on the low catches thing, but what does Hot Spot have to do with low catches?

      • Judge Droid says :

        Where? I’ve never heard you say that Umpires Decision DRS results should not cost the team a review. Unless I’ve simply missed where you’ve said it. I need evidence to overturn this opinion.

      • Jarv says :

        I’ve said it loads- been saying it for ages. I’ll go and find it.

      • Jarv says :

        Proof:

        This was during the Lords test-

        2013/07/18 at 11:56 am | In reply to Jarv.
        This is the problem with DRS. The umpire’s call should give the batsman the benefit of the doubt. That clearly wasn’t the case here.

      • Jarv says :

        ‘Cept I’m an idiot- that’s about benefit of the doubt.

        Hold on, I’ll go back to it.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Aye. I agree with this.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I’m not at all convinced that Smith was out caught behind. I saw it a few times last night and I saw no deviation. No clear sound. There was a sound, but it didn’t really sound like bat and it was after the ball went passed the bat.

        From what I’ve read, the impression I am getting is…

        DRS decisions that result in an “Umpire’s Decision” should not cost a review. I’ve never heard this once mentioned during the first two tests when numerous reviews ended up Umpire’s Decision in favour of England. Now that it’s happened once, by the finest of margins (the same margin that resulted in Hughes being given out LBW at Trent Bridge), it suddenly doesn’t work. I read this in an article in the Guardian and from you. Funny how it’s an issue all of a sudden.

        Now, apparently, hotspot doesn’t work at all. Again, it’s never been an issue until now.

        I’m not saying these aren’t issues. Just that they’re not new. However, they’re hot topics all of a sudden because the results haven’t all gone Englands way.

  7. Judge Droid says :

    Anyway, we need to put on another 200 today. Conditions will likely be tougher, as it will be a cloudy.

    • Jarv says :

      Due to rain, I think, as well.

      It always rains in Manchester during a test.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Thought rain was due tomorrow. Well, makes it all the more important we put on some quick runs. If Clarke and Smith can put on another hundred, Warner can come in and have a go.

      • Jarv says :

        Hehehehe.

        It’s funny, I’m just searching through, because I’m positive I’ve said it in this test early on, and also in the last one, and almost every other post from one or the other of us is whining about DRS and shitty reviews.

      • Jarv says :

        Thought rain was due tomorrow. Well, makes it all the more important we put on some quick runs. If Clarke and Smith can put on another hundred, Warner can come in and have a go.

        You have to be looking at nearer 600 on this. Bad Jimmy showed up (haven’t seen him for ages), and thereby rendered all England’s bowling plans null and void. This is the problem with the moneyball approach England take.

      • Judge Droid says :

        600 would be great. But I’ll be happy with 500 as it’s a massive improvement over 129.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Yes, it really has been the tale of the series so far.

      • Jarv says :

        This pitch has got me wondering if we’ve pulled an India- got the lead and then prepared batting tracks to make a result unlikely. I hope not, and I’ll be embarrassed if we have, but I’ve never seen an Old Trafford pitch behave like this one-

        It should swing and Seam in the first few days at OT, then spin on the last. It’s one of the classic test pitches on that front.

      • Jarv says :

        damn it. I know I’ve said it.

      • Jarv says :

        Here we go- from this test after the Khawaja decision- so before England were getting the rougher end of the stick:

        I am genuinely thinking that these umpires’ call reviews shouldn’t be considered a waste. If it’s that marginal, and not enough evidence to overturn, then it’s fucking honk to punish the side for using it properly.

      • Jarv says :

        Not that there’s a non-shitty end of this stick, but it’s an opinion I’ve had for ages.

        it strikes me as absurd that when Hawkeye (in particular) has a margin of error of X that any decision that stays with the on-field umpire due to being within the margin of error is punished with the loss of a review.

        Admittedly, it’s just as likely to have hit the stumps full ball as to have missed completely, but that still makes it marginal either way, therefore, to use a review when you can legitimately think the umpire has made a mistake and lose the decision is cobblers.

        If batsmen do use it for everything, then it won’t make any odds, because they’ll still be out.

        The system is meant to exist for correcting huge mistakes. At the moment it isn’t doing that.

      • Jarv says :

        Rain has held off.

      • Judge Droid says :

        The system is meant to overturn obvious errors. The danger of changing it so that Umpires Call doesn’t cost the team is that it’s used for every single line ball decision. And DRS is intrusive enough as it is.

        The way to fix this is to get cunts that can actually umpire properly.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Well, that was the one I referenced in my post. I was looking for evidence of it prior to this test! Doesn’t matter anyway.

      • Jarv says :

        Ah ok. I was responding to this:

        I’ve never heard you say that Umpires Decision DRS results should not cost the team a review. Unless I’ve simply missed where you’ve said it. I need evidence to overturn this opinion.

        Doesn’t matter anyway.

      • Jarv says :

        The danger of changing it so that Umpires Call doesn’t cost the team is that it’s used for every single line ball decision.

        I’d almost rather have this. They’re out anyway, so I’m not sure they’ll review every decision- it’ll be the new walking, if that makes sense.

      • Jarv says :

        Anderson’s got his huff on.

        He’s not used to it not going for him nowadays. He needs to step back to the “dry” role and let someone like Broad take the strike role.

        Because he’s not bowling well at all.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Both Broad and Anderson looked pretty petulant yesterday evening. Kicking at the new ball and general huffiness.

      • Judge Droid says :

        And constantly looking at the footholes, like they’re solely to blame for how shit they were bowling.

      • Jarv says :

        Anderson was actually in a huff all day- I think there’s some frustration at the state of the pitch- particularly the run up area. I’m thinking it might be a bit dangerous.

      • Jarv says :

        Broad’s actually bowled well without luck- Watson, Clarke and Smith were all in all sorts of shit against him.

        Having said that, though, we need a Hoggard/ Sids to take on the grind role- Broad’s not doing it here, so I’m thinking Bressie Lad needs to bowl more.

      • Jarv says :

        Anderson’s bowled like a cunt, mind.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I’m thinking more about the fielding team. Every close LBW given not out will be called for review.

      • Jarv says :

        See what you mean.

        How about this: They don’t lose a review but it costs 10 runs.

      • Judge Droid says :

        How about they get 1 of them. The first review that comes back Umpires Call doesn’t count. It’s a freebie. But that’s it. All others cost.

      • Jarv says :

        May as well make it 3 reviews, then.

      • Judge Droid says :

        No, because if it’s a blatantly wrong decision to review, like it was completely missing the stumps, then the review would cost. If you make it three, then you get three of those.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Or, England can learn to use their reviews better. heh

      • Jarv says :

        See what you mean.

        This is the difference between the way England and Australia have used the reviews.

        The two used here were marginal, and both lost out, meaning that Smith’s blatant fuckup was reprieved, however at Trent Bridge Clarke absolutely wasted them on two that were never in a million years out.

        Australia have learned from their mistakes though.

      • Jarv says :

        Or, England can learn to use their reviews better. heh

        Yup.

        I’m starting to think that you don’t use them on LBW’s unless the ball was hitting the middle of middle stump.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Like Broads. Otherwise they’re very prone to fall in the Umpire’s Decision.

      • Jarv says :

        I don’t get why cook has taken Broad off when it’s Anderson bowling like a cunt.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Switching ends maybe? Anderson appears to be in a spot of bother.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Yep. Switching ends.

      • Jarv says :

        Good spot.

        Ye gods. He’s going to try to bounce Clarke out.

      • Jarv says :

        He’s got a good bouncer, has Broad, but it’s never ever ever going to work. He’s hit Clarke already, and whacked him a good few times in the last test, but Clarke is simply to classy to get out to that.

      • Jarv says :

        England have got the strangle on now. Waiting game it is, then.

        Australia have a problem here, because if the run rate dries up too badly, England are more than capable of batting endlessly in a really tedious way.

      • Jarv says :

        Lucky shot- could well have been out. Jimmy to blame for the miss as well.

      • Jarv says :

        Hallelujah!

        Thank fuck for that.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Bah. Would have liked him to get a hundred. But he was lucky to be there.

        Wild Man Warner!

      • Jarv says :

        He’s got a license to swing here, effectively.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Be interesting to see how he goes against Swann.

      • Jarv says :

        Not well, judging by that horrible over.

        Yuck. He really is an ugly batsman.

      • Jarv says :

        What he should do, actually, is drop anchor and let Clarke do the scoring.

      • Judge Droid says :

        That’s what Clarke might think as well, considering how he’s treating Bresnan.

      • Judge Droid says :

        We really only have two batsmen that can play spin properly. And one of them just got himself out.

      • Judge Droid says :

        There you have it. Can’t play spin.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Wasted a review as well. What a cunt.

      • Jarv says :

        That was the dumbest review I’ve seen in ages.

        I’m actually still laughing at it.

      • Jarv says :

        What’s even funnier is that he didn’t know whether to review or not, so went and asked Clarke…

        Surely the question was “did you hit it”?

      • Judge Droid says :

        Here we go then, replays show a big edge, it missed the gloves and hit Prior on the thigh, straight to slip; Hot Spot also picks it up – though I think a camera from space would have – up goes the finger again.

        Well, at least that brings Anderson back on.

      • Jarv says :

        Warner gone for a horrible, classless 5 runs.

  8. Judge Droid says :

    Well batted Clarke.

  9. Judge Droid says :

    These two batting well here. Swann’s copping a bit of a hammering. Good to see.

  10. Judge Droid says :

    Anderson really has bowled like shit.

  11. Judge Droid says :

    heh This is quite amusing…

    The moustachioed Warner made more contact with the ball than he did with Root’s chin at the Birmingham Walkabout six weeks ago

  12. Judge Droid says :

    Man, do I love Back to the Future.

  13. Judge Droid says :

    heh We’ve swung the other way on the DRS. Now we won’t review anything.

  14. Judge Droid says :

    So after seeing todays play, there has been no change in the pitch. This is simply Australia on top by virtue of bowling a lot better than England did.

  15. Judge Droid says :

    Another good day for us. But we really do need to get these 3 wickets very quickly to stand a chance of winning the test.

  16. Judge Droid says :

    Here’s the rain. Bah.

    Clarke to blame for running out Smith. I was always taught that it’s the call of the batsman running to the danger end. Not if you’re Clarke I guess.

  17. Xiphos0311 says :

    Clarke you bastard! Cook you dick!

  18. Xiphos0311 says :

    Will the overnight declaration be one of bankruptcy?

  19. Judge Droid says :

    This test is over. It’s gonna rain pretty much all day.

    • Jarv says :

      Lucky escape. Fire these two umpires and get some blind howler monkeys in for the next. Couldn’t be any worse.

      Been reading about Hawkeye today. The margin of error on the predictive is 36mm.

      Given that, I think that if there is more than 37mm of the ball hitting the stumps, then that should be out. Simple. Harsh, but simple, and gets rid of umpires call.

      Shitcan hotspot altogether, please, until it works. As it patently doesn’t. Either that or teach Dhamasena that a white spot means that someone hit it.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Either that or teach Dhamasena that a white spot means that someone hit it.

        Which decision are you referring to? Because there was no white mark on the Warner review.

      • Jarv says :

        KP one. Was easy to miss though.

        I could have sworn I saw one on the Warner review- but I got pissed last night so am probably imagining things.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I didn’t see a thing on the KP review. The only evidence was a small noise on snicko. Which can’t be used.

        There is a flash of white on the Warner one. But it was before the ball got to the bat, so I can only assume it was reflection or something.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Also, the angle of the shot made it highly unlikely that the decision would be overturned. It was a flail at a bouncer above his head. The angles hot spot has were never going to pick it up.

        Love the fact that DRS is now completely broken. But then again, prior to this test nearly all the decisions favoured England.

      • Jarv says :

        I’ve been saying it’s been shite all series- and I don’t think it’s completely broken.

        I’d also seriously disagree with that every decision has favoured England- Agar was out, to start with, Trott wasn’t, Root if they follow the same logic that did Trott wasn’t and so on and so forth.

        I’m not talking umpire’s call- I’d actually keep hawkeye, misgivings and all, I’m talking flat-out wrong ones. Khawaja had an absolute stinker for example.

        The single worst decision England have had, and it was totally within their power to get reversed was the Bresnan caught behind. He missed it by about a foot. So I’ve got no sympathy with England, although plenty for Bressie.

        It’s hotspot I’ve been surprised about- I thought it was meant to be “reliable”. It quite clearly isn’t- given what I put up the other day.

        Not that England deserve anything from this. Bowled like cunts (well, Anderson did. Broad, Bres and Swann were OK, but clearly aren’t in his class), batted OK, but not well enough given how badly they’d bowled. Fielded like cunts- even Prior developed the dropsies.

        Been comprehensively thrashed on 9 of the 12 sessions so far.

      • Jarv says :

        There was a white mark on the KP one- but it’s almost on the back of the bat. He literally just grazed it.

        I missed it on first replay, because I wasn’t looking for an edge- just whether it was hitting.

        However, I’m not an umpire being paid to judge these things.

        That’s one I actually don’t begrudge because he didn’t think he’d hit it and reviewed as much in hope as anything else. Had Dharmasena spotted it, which he should have, he’d have been a very very lucky boy.

        I’m more cross about the Warner one (I’m trying to find a replay now)- because he flagrantly hit that.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I think Warner hit it. But it’s not about that at all. It’s about the fact that it was given not out, and there was no evidence to overturn it. If they’re not going to overturn the Khawaja decision, they’re not going to overturn the Warner one.

      • Jarv says :

        The Khawaja one was particularly bad because he obviously didn’t fucking hit it, and there was plenty of evidence. If they’re relying on hotspot as “definitive” when every camera angle shows a clear gap of about 8 inches between bat and ball, then there’s something obviously wrong with their thinking.

        Warner clearly hit that, he knew it, we knew it, and the only person that didn’t know it was the idiot who’s decision matters.

      • Jarv says :

        Much like with Broad at Trent Bridge.

      • Jarv says :

        A good point about the umpiring was actually from Atherton last night- these are “old” men- of about 62ish in that twat Hill’s case.

        They become elite very late, and only have limited time. I think there has to be some margin in identifying club players who never are going to make it and training them up so they can umpire in their 30’s and so forth. Have a rotating stable of about 20 of them.

        Either that or allow non-neutral umpires, as Broad and Reiffel, for example, are significantly younger than Erasmus and Hill (both of whom have been inept)

      • Jarv says :

        What’s lucky for you is that it ultimately won’t effect the outcome. The extra runs Broad got were just enough to get you the win.

        Agar’s 90 made it close and he should have been given out.

        It won’t make any difference here. But the Smith let offs were worth about 90 runs, in the end.

        The difference between the Broad one and the Warner one, though, is that Broad should have walked (as should Warner), but Australia didn’t have a review left. England used the review properly, and the umpire still failed.

        Not that it made any difference, as noted, but it’s fucking annoying how many bad decisions there has been in each test match. In this one, off the top of my head:

        Khawaja, Smith x 2, Bresnan, KP, Warner.

        That’s more than one a day, and 3 of those were absolutely fucking disgraceful.

        3 of them were down to hotspot being shite. 2 down to incompetence from Hill.

      • Jarv says :

        I don’t remember this at all-

        At Perth last year, in over 38 of SA’s 2nd inngs, Clarke changed his field settings endlessly, just to prevent another over from being bowled that day & ensure Amla was stranded on 99, unable to complete a century in a single session. In the last over of DAY 2, Clarke’s “naffing around” was no win/draw strategy: Aus had 3 MORE DAYS to lose by 309 runs. He was simply depriving Amla of a rare record. I doubt anyone would claim any sporting intent in his actions. No commentator did!

        Sounds like Saffa moaning.

      • Jarv says :

        Shite. We’ve got play at 11.30.

        Clarke’s declared.

      • Jarv says :

        This is a massive opportunity for Australia. The sky is horrible, so the ball is going to swing round corners.

      • Judge Droid says :

        It’s going to have to be a collapse of Adelaide 2006 proportions to get a win here. And we don’t have a Warne.

      • Jarv says :

        Wouldn’t put it past us.

        This is the first test in yonks that I can think of where its been the bowling that has let us down.

      • Jarv says :

        I think Cook’s out here.

      • Jarv says :

        Total waste of a review, the dick.

      • Jarv says :

        Absolutely fucking plumb. Totally utterly out.

        Jesus Christ. What a waste of a review.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Surprise they haven’t sent in the nightwatchman.

      • Jarv says :

        They have.

        Trott.

      • Jarv says :

        Starc needs to bowl better this over- that last one was utter shit.

        I would actually want England to lose this, because we fucking deserve to but Flower will blame the bowlers again.

      • Jarv says :

        He’s pretty pointless when he’s not batting well, because he’s a lousy captain.

        The problem is he’s the only candidate- unless Flower is willing to eat shit and make KP a captain- but KP isn’t likely to be around. Bell? Fuck off. Trott? Fuck off.

        Root’s just made the team, as has Bairstow. Broad and Prior would be horrible captains.

        That leaves Swann and Anderson of the guaranteed starters. Swann at a stretch is probably the best candidate left.

      • Jarv says :

        Strange sort of innings so far from Trott. He’s doing the right thing, I think, by taking the runs, but he’s not looking comfortable at all.

      • Jarv says :

        Starc’s bowling inordinately badly here. Bowling wides at the moment is unforgivable. Every single ball should be making the batsman play.

      • Jarv says :

        I honestly haven’t seen anything from Starc to change my opinion of him. He’s shithouse.

        One good spell in two tests, but aside from that he’s been very poor.

      • Jarv says :

        Strauss tells us that the England players were called at their hotel this morning and told not to bother coming to Old Trafford because it was raining and there was no chance of play. Which explains why they were still arriving at the ground while Australia were already out in the middle practicing.

        Jesus suffering fuck. If that’s the case, then we really, really, really deserve to lose.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Surely they would have twigged when the caller had an Aussie accent! Where was Warnie this morning?

      • Judge Droid says :

        Hang on, Warnie is probably in the clear. He would have texted.

      • Jarv says :

        He’d have spelled “rain” wrong, anyway.

      • Jarv says :

        Harris looking a wee bit tired there. Tough call for Clarke this. Starc has to come off, because he’s been utter shit, but Harris is tiring.

        Sids is only just back on the field.

      • Jarv says :

        Yes. Watson. Sensible.

        That must mean Sids on after maybe one more over for Harris.

      • Jarv says :

        Win or lose, I’m curious to see where the Aussies go in terms of selection from here.

        Watto has failed so comprehensively as an opener, I’d be tempted to go:

        Rogers, Warner (shithouse that he is), Khawaja, Watson, Clarke, Smith, Iron Gloves, ???, Sids, Harris, Lyon

        And maybe give Bird a run out in place of Starc.

      • Jarv says :

        In our place, though, I think Trott has to be on borrowed time. He’s not scoring at all.

        He won’t be.

        I’d be tempted to go

        Cook, Root, Bell, KP, Taylor/ Ballance/ Lees/ Lyth, Bairstow, Prior, Bresnan, Broad, Swann, Anderson

      • Jarv says :

        Strange review that.

        The Aussies appealed for the catch- Trott missed it, but because they reviewed they had to check the LBW as well. And it went with umpire’s call on that one.

      • Jarv says :

        It was actually a bad review that nearly turned into a brilliant one.

        Bizarre.

      • Jarv says :

        Harris bowling on?

        OK. Suppose he has been the most threatening/ is the best.

      • Jarv says :

        Jesus Christ.

        Strangled down the leg side. Unfuckingforgivable.

        That was a bad ball.

      • Jarv says :

        Not expecting KP to hang around a long time.

        Be 3 down by Lunch. Where’s the fucking rain.

      • Jarv says :

        Jesus Fucking CHRIST.

        He didn’t hit that. You fucking idiots.

        What the fuck is the point of hotspot?

      • Judge Droid says :

        You know, at least they’re being consistent. Can’t see any evidence of it hitting the bat, so therefore no evidence to overturn. What is he looking for in way of evidence?

      • Jarv says :

        There was also no visible edge.

        And the sound wasn’t conclusive. The bowler didn’t think it was out.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Maybe they just have no faith in hotspot.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Anyway, these two boring twats will probably bat the day out for about 20 runs.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s absurd, if they have to see hotspot to confirm an edge when there was visible movement and a clear noise, then no movement, unclear noise and no hotspot should overturn it. I don’t quite know what more they need to overturn? 3 feet from the bat? except that wasn’t enough for Khawaja. This is beyond a joke now.

        Having said that, snicko suggests he might have scraped it, but it barely registers.

      • Jarv says :

        Maybe they just have no faith in hotspot.

        On that, I agree with them.

      • Jarv says :

        Basically, if the on-field umpire gives you caught behind then I’m at a loss as to what the 3rd Umpire can do to overturn it- there’s something seriously, stupidly wrong on the basis of Dharmasena’s performance here.

        He’s not overturning caught decisions at all. Even when they’re flagrantly wrong.

      • Judge Droid says :

        The Warner one was understandable. No evidence that he hit it, and it was given not out. It’s really the one’s that are given out that are the controversial one’s. What more evidence do they need when the ball doesn’t show up on hot spot and doesn’t deviate off the bat. I don’t know really. Keeping it with the on-field umpire’s call is playing it safe.

      • Jarv says :

        The out’s are always going to be more controversial than the not outs.

        What more evidence do they need when the ball doesn’t show up on hot spot and doesn’t deviate off the bat

        This, basically.

        The Warner one was understandable, but wrong.

        The problem is when you throw the Khawaja one into the context. It looks like he’s fucked if he’s overturning any caught decision- no matter how obviously wrong.

      • Judge Droid says :

        So, how many more overs are they going to get today? Even if it doesn’t rain, yesterday was called off at 4:30pm, despite the lights being on.

        Almost have to win it in this session.

      • Jarv says :

        Just reading around on the internets- and people are genuinely saying that this side is better than England 2005.

        That’s total honk. Total.

      • Jarv says :

        On for three balls then off again.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Nope. 2005 side beat a high quality side. This side is beating a mediocre side. The abject performance from us in the second test is making you look better than you are. You’ve been thoroughly beaten here. Just luck with the weather has saved you.

      • Jarv says :

        Not just that- 2005 had been unbeaten home and away for 2 years- including sides like SA in SA, and the last of the good Windies sides.

        This lot has been shite for 2 years and lost to everybody aside from India away.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s a fucking ridiculous assertion.

        I think Prior, Anderson, Swann and Cook would get in, and I’m not even sure about Cook. Mind you, an opening pair of Cook and Tresco is quite exciting.

        I’d take Thorpe over either version of Bell.

      • Jarv says :

        Think it’s fucked for the day. England retain Ashes by duty of shitty weather.

        I should really feel happy but they’ve been so gash I don’t

      • Judge Droid says :

        Well, to be fair England retain Ashes by duty of pathetic Aussie performance in the second test. And shit weather.

        Here’s what needs to happen. We continue to play this level of cricket for the next two tests, and take that into the series in Australia, where we win back the Ashes.

      • Jarv says :

        Hard to say-

        Chester le St is a fucking minefield- green seamer, and a bitch of one.

        Jimmy, hopefully, won’t be that bad again, but I’d almost toss a coin as to who’s likely to win there because it could be a collapse athon from both sides.

        The Oval, meh. Dusty and dry- likely to rain.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Sure I’d love for us to win the last two, but the results themselves worry me less than the team performance. Win, lose or draw, if we continue to play like we have in this test we are going in the right direction.

      • Jarv says :

        I don’t think you’re likely to get the same batting performance out of them at Chester Le St, the Oval, you could well.

        To be fair, it hasn’t been the bowling that’s been letting you down.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Just as long as we don’t play like dicks and throw our wickets away. Which we did in the first two tests.

      • Jarv says :

        Chester Le St is one of those pitches where a 50+ is a good score for a batsmen. Not a runfest at all.

        One of the most hostile places in England to bat.

        Having said that, it’ll be a fucking chief execs pitch. Bet you.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Play abandoned. Bah. The wrong test to dominate.

      • Jarv says :

        He’s got to take Starc off now. That’s 4 overs and they’ve only had to play about 4 balls.

        Shit bowling.

      • Jarv says :

        Sign of how far out of form he is.

        Missed it, first up, then wasted the review which he normally never does. Considering he wouldn’t let Bresnan use it yesterday, and his captaincy has been rank bad, he’s having a poor series. 2 50+ scores in 6 innings isn’t good enough from him.

      • Judge Droid says :

        He’s pretty pointless when he’s not batting well, because he’s a lousy captain.

      • Judge Droid says :

        What’s lucky for you is that it ultimately won’t effect the outcome. The extra runs Broad got were just enough to get you the win.

        Still, these umpires are shit.

  20. Judge Droid says :

    Cook’s out. Wasted a review too.

  21. Jarv says :

    Interesting to see what England do between the tests. I think they’ll be unchanged, although they really shouldn’t be. The batsmen in particular (Trott) could do with a rocket.

    Australia, on the other hand, is even more interesting. Warner, while turd, has made a solid case to replace Watto opening. Starc was shit again, but they realistically can’t drop him again.

    Some tough decisions- I’m not convinced Watson’s bowling is good enough to keep him in the side. Sure, he’s very economical, but he’s got the penetration of a eunuch. Harris and Sids have been magnificent, but have really been carrying the attack.

    Lyon ended up with filthy figures, but bowled well, I thought.

  22. Jarv says :

    Apparently Hotspot is up for review after this series- given how many fucking times it’s failed here, it could be in trouble.

  23. Jarv says :

    Well this explains a lot:

    http://www.theguardian.com/sport/2013/aug/07/ashes-hot-spot-silicone-tape-claims

    Bin it. Bin it now. If it’s that fucking easy to circumvent.

    • Judge Droid says :

      Hard to believe those claims are true. Be pretty risky to use it in such a high profile series.

      • Jarv says :

        There’s no law prohibiting adding tape to a bat, though.

        Incidentally, the ICC have sent some bigwig to go and apologise to the teams for the umpiring fiasco.

      • Judge Droid says :

        There might not be any law, but it’s the intent.

      • Jarv says :

        I know, and I’m not disagreeing with you- it’s against “the spirit” of cricket.

        That wouldn’t stop them though- they’re professionals, and willing to take any advantage they can.

      • Judge Droid says :

        But… it hurt KP’s feelings.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m actually pig sick of the utterly shit umpiring this series. Each test has had at least one appalling, and not umpire’s call, decision every day.

        Off the top of my head:

        Agar should have been out, wasn’t. Root and Trott got wildly inconsistent results from the DRS. Broad should have been out but wasn’t, Rogers got a horrible LBW decision that was missing the stumps by about a mile, Khawaja and Bresnan given out when they were both nowhere near the ball, Pietersen got 2 rough decisions, Smith was not out when he should have been out, and Warner was not out when he should have been out.

        I know this tends to even up in the long run, but the Rogers LBW aside, the rest of them were all down to failures from hotspot and shite umpiring in the middle.

      • Judge Droid says :

        While I think he hit it, the Warner decision was right. No evidence. I also reckon KP hit it, but it probably should have been given not out, to maintain the status quo. I still haven’t seen anything to convince me that he wasn’t plum in the first innings. Even he didn’t think he hit it. And given his reaction in the second innings, I think the guy would have reviewed it immediately and have been a little bit more upset about it.

        I honestly believe the shit that they got for the Khawaja decision (and rightly so too) fucked with their heads. 3rd umpire couldn’t overturn any caught decision after that.

      • Jarv says :

        but it probably should have been given not out, to maintain the status quo.

        This is the fucking problem though. If Warner was not out, then KP was also not out. The umpire had exactly the same evidence for the fucking pair of them.

        I think it was Atherton who said when Smith was given not out to broad that the umpire had lost total confidence and wasn’t giving anything.

        This may have been directly down to the Khawaja decision, the total inability to overturn anything after that on the catch front in particular seems to suggest that.

      • Jarv says :

        See also Trott and Root in the first two tests. If Trott was out in the first, then Root wasn’t in the second.

        For the record, I actually think the umpire made a total hash of this- Trott shouldn’t have been out in the first, whereas on balance Root probably was in the second. The ICC had to apologise for the Trott one it was that bad.

        Total inconsistency.

      • Judge Droid says :

        The problem for me in this series is the sheer number of obvious errors made by the on-field umpires. Sure, human fallibility and all that, but there are just so many horrendous errors. Broad being given not out, and Khawaja being given out are two big one’s.

        This has all been increased by the 3rd umpire upholding or not overturning the more obvious errors. KP (2nd innings) was a direct result of Khawaja.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Difference is KP was given out while Warner was given not out. The 3rd umpire’s decision was the same. On-field call.

      • Jarv says :

        I know. The third umpire had the same evidence and if Warner was not out, then so was KP.

        The one he got wrong was the Warner one, which should have been overturned.

      • Jarv says :

        By that stage though, Dharmasena had clearly completely lost all confidence in it, and was finding reasons to uphold the on-pitch decision instead of using the technology to make the correct decision.

        Infuriating.

      • Judge Droid says :

        He hadn’t lost confidence in the tech, he’d lost confidence in himself. The Khawaja decision is mindboggling.

      • Jarv says :

        I think he’d lost confidence in both, to be honest.

        No mark on hotspot does not necessarily mean that he didn’t hit it, but the Khawaja one was so clearly and obviously wrong that he then just supported whatever the on-field umpire said regardless of consistency or evidence. This is totally not what the DRS is meant to do.

        This was made worse by the fact that that cretin Hill had lost confidence in the middle after the Khawaja one was so obviously wrong, and thus went far too cautious on whether the Aussie batsmen were out. Smith in particular benefited from this.

        Inept.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I’ve worried less about DRS than I have about the umpires out there in the middle. I’ve bleated on and on about benefit of the doubt, and the fact that the umpires aren’t giving it to the batsman. This is where the first mistakes are being made. These decisions are the source of the problem. I don’t have a problem if it’s one, maybe two wrong decisions in a test. But as you say, we’re getting one doozy a day. The reliance on DRS to correct mistakes made out in the middle is a huge problem. DRS shouldn’t be used as much as it is.

      • Jarv says :

        Agree with all of this.

        The umpires in the middle have been appalling and we’re getting at least one howler and multiple “debatable” ones- where I’ll come down one side, and you’ll come down the other.

        This shouldn’t be happening, and it’s in no small part because they aren’t giving the benefit of the doubt, and it’s being made worse by them making a very bad decision early on then losing confidence.

      • Jarv says :

        The number of abysmal LBW decisions has also been baffling-

        Two cases in point:

        Rogers at Lords- the ball was missing leg stump by about a fucking mile. It wouldn’t have hit on the 5th stump out there.

        Smith at Old Trafford- I don’t actually know how much more plumb you can be.

        The umpires in the middle made a rank bad call both times.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Then you get the opposite end of the spectrum and benefit of the doubt run amok as in the KP LBW not out in the first innings. And Clarke has been through the ringer with DRS so he’s gun-shy about using it.

        Just really terrible umpiring. It needs looking at.

      • Jarv says :

        The Smith LBW was also disgracefully bad.

        They’ve been shit. On every level.

        I’d actually bring in an English and Aussie umpire for the middle now and have the third neutral, it’s beyond farcical if the 8 best are either English or Australian, and given the media scrutiny are going to be impartial, then you have to use them.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Eh. Should’ve had a review left. He would have been given out.

        (I heard this a number of times in the first two tests)

      • Jarv says :

        Yes, they should.

        I’ve actually got no sympathy with England on this. Can’t have it both ways.

        It’s just that when the commentary say “that was a decision from a man who has lost all confidence”, I’m going to use it as an example.

        The Khawaja fuck up ruined the umpiring from that point on.

      • Jarv says :

        Both sides are at it- KP strenuously denies using silicone tape, but admits to putting shit on to protect the bat. Smith the same, and it does “extend to cover the edge”.

        Farcical.

      • Jarv says :

        Yeah, I saw that.

        Monty.

        Plonker.

      • Judge Droid says :

        He said that he had been unimpressed by an interview Swann had given to Sky Sports in which he had apparently been dismissive of suggestions that England had had a tough couple of days.

        http://www.theguardian.com/sport/2013/aug/07/shane-warne-england-arrogant-ashes

        I saw this interview (if it’s the one he’s referring to) and he wasn’t really dismissive. He merely gave the usual team response. He’s not exactly going to come out and say “We’re getting thoroughly done here.” I highly doubt any player on either side would give an impartial, honest view of their teams position in a test after day two.

      • Jarv says :

        The reaction from the Aussies to Anderson and Swann’s remarks was a bit OTT.

        Anderson’s comment was “we want to beat them 5-0”, well, duh, of course you do.
        Swann’s was a real media trained “emphasise the positives” type answer.

        Media trying very hard to inflate a bit of controversy.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Anderson’s comments weren’t really criticized as far as I could tell. We’ve certainly given plenty of 5-0 predictions in the past. McGrath specifically.

        The other one the has been misquoted in every single article I’ve read is Kevin Rudd tweeting “That was one of the worst decisions I’ve ever seen.” about the Khawaja decision. I have not read a single article that has quoted it correctly, apart from the first article which reported it in The Age where it was quoted directly. Everywhere (both here and in Australia) quote it as “the worst decision I’ve ever seen”.

      • Jarv says :

        Anderson’s comments weren’t really criticized as far as I could tell. We’ve certainly given plenty of 5-0 predictions in the past. McGrath specifically.

        It was all over the Metro this morning. He was misquoted to Lehman, who then said something daft in response.

      • Judge Droid says :

        That explains it then. I don’t read the Metro.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s bollocks. There’s been a weird amount of “HA IN YOUR FACE” at England in it.

        I know the draw was assured by the rain, and England deserved to lose, but they still drew and retained the Ashes by the end of the third test, which I don’t think we’ve ever done before.

      • Judge Droid says :

        If there was 5 full days, like the previous two tests, you would have lost. Not taking anything away from the Poms, because they deserved to win the second test, and to a much lesser extent, the first. So you deserved to be 2-0 up.

        Part of it is probably “thank fuck we didn’t lose 7 in a row” and the other part is “thank fuck we’re not on for a whitewash”.

      • Judge Droid says :

        No, the Warner one shouldn’t have been overturned. There was no evidence to overturn it.

      • Jarv says :

        Aside from noise and deviation? Which was exactly what he used to support the KP decision.

        This is what I mean about not using it properly.

        I just want consistency between the decisions, and they’ve been abject. If you know where you stand, then you can use the reviews properly. In the last test in particular, it became apparent by the end of the third day that he wasn’t overturning any catch, no matter how obviously wrong (Khawaja), and not applying the same criteria consistently.

      • Judge Droid says :

        There wasn’t any deviation, and the noise was inconclusive. And noise is shit evidence. That’s why they need snicko. But the main thing that they rely on is hot spot, and that showed nothing.

      • Judge Droid says :

        No, he didn’t support the KP decision. He just didn’t think the evidence 100% confirmed that he didn’t hit it, therefore it can’t be overturned. The reality of the process is that there must be absolute evidence to overturn an on-field decision.

      • Jarv says :

        The reality of the process is that there must be absolute evidence to overturn an on-field decision.

        I agree with this, but that wasn’t what was happening. The on-field umpires had totally lost confidence and were giving a quite ludicrous amount of wrong calls. Not surprising given how shite they’ve been all series.

        Simultaneously, the off-field umpire lost confidence, and instead of using the technology to properly evaluate the appeal, he was using it to find a justification to support the on-field umpire, who was having a shocker.

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