The Golden Changs 2012- The winners are…

Even by my blisteringly low standards, I’m miles late on this one, and to be honest, I have absolutely no excuse whatsoever for my blazing incompetence. I could blame technology (in that my new office won’t let me on to the dashboard, and I’ve broken the PC at home) but realistically that won’t wash when I’ve actually managed to plug the laptop in. All I can do is apologise, and get ready to launch the people’s choice for this Year’s Golden Changs (sponsored by anyone that wants to throw cash or free booze at us). The votes are in, the contest is closed, and as such I can now announce the winners.

The tension’s probably killing you all. It’s certainly getting to me, and I’m only making it through this via massive doses of booze.

Film of the Year

The Nominations were:

  • The Dark Knight Rises
  • The Grey
  • A Separation

Exciting stuff this. TDKR was one of the most heavily praised and widest seen films of the year. We don’t tend to go in for populism here, being a contrary bunch, but I nailed Nolan’s triumphant concluding part to his Batman Trilogy down as a probable winner as soon as I saw it. However, The Grey was an early contender for film of 2012, and A Separation was a powerful critical darling with more than its share of praise.

So, the winner is….

No surprises here, with TDKR polling almost twice as much as its nearest rival. A worthy winner for arguably one of the finest funnybook trilogies (well, the only actually good one) out there. A titanic achievement, and a fitting end to what has been a stunning set of films. Even Anne Hathaway managed not to suck.

The Chris Klein Award for Male Acting Achievement

It’s funny this time. Ordinarily we’re awash with great male performances, but less than stellar turns from the actresses. The last two winners in their category almost won it by default. However, this year, I felt that the women outshone the men, and so struggled a bit to even come up with the nominations. Nevertheless, we managed it, and the nominees were:

  • Karl Urban for Dredd
  • Liam Neeson for The Grey
  • Gary Oldman for Tinker Tailor Soldier Cure for Insomnia.

Again, this looked set to be close, as I rated Urban’s pitch perfect Clint impersonation in Dredd as stunning, and Oldman was good in the terminally boring paperwork-is-fun movie. Really, though, Neeson seems to be on a bit of an upswing at the moment, and, well, he punches a wolf in The Grey. This one, to my mind, could have gone any way with some justification.

In the end, the winner was…

Yup, Neeson takes it, and I’m not at all sorry to see him get this one. It was, in all honesty, probably the bets individual turn of the year, and I’m quite pleased he won what was a much closer competition than the landslide that Best Film was. So, props Liam, now let’s not talk about Taken 2.

The Emma Stone-Zombieland Award for Best Actress

And now to the actresses. As mentioned above, I think this was a particularly, and surprisingly strong year for women. Still, the nominees were:

  • Anne Hathaway for The Dark Knight Rises
  • Leila Hatami for A Separation
  • Elizabeth Olsen for Martha Marcy May Marlene

Three very different turns in three very different films. Olsen managed to prove that you can have that surname and display some talent, while Hatami put in a, frankly, epic effort in a difficult, unsympathetic and complicated role. Then there was Hathaway. Despite sharing a name with Shakespeare’s wife, she’s never displayed anything remotely in the way of talent, and to be honest, all I thought she had going for her as Selina Kyle was a nice arse in a tight leather catsuit. Nevertheless, she put in a turn as surprising as Heath Ledger’s was in TDK in that literally nobody saw it coming. Still, I’d give this one to Hatami. Nevertheless, my opinion is irrelevant, and the winner is:

Yup, she really does fill out that catsuit nicely. Fair play, though, this was an utterly deserved winner of the tightest voting contest we’ve ever had. Hathaway took it with 0.11% of the vote from Hatami, which, I suppose is a reflection of the quality of the two performances. Full credit, and as mentioned this was a turn I simply didn’t think she had in her.


This year was unusual in that films didn’t particularly get the shaft from the distributors. There were a few, but mostly after the nominations closed, but nothing to compare to the carnage a few years ago when we could have handed this out 4 times. However, we did scrape together some nominees:

  • Iron Sky
  • Casa De Mi Padre

In all honesty, this was only ever going to go one way in that Casa barely managed even a sniff at a release. Iron Sky, on the other hand, was an entirely different teapot filled with marine life. Feted in Germany and across Europe in General, the Nazis on the moon extravaganza not only appealed to our sensibilities but looked damned certain to get a full release. Yet a funny thing happened on the way to the funeral when Revolver bought the rights in the UK and buried it. They didn’t just bury it, they absolutely fucking shafted it. Outrageous.

And the winner is (as if I need to ask)

Iron-Sky-PosterNazis. On. The. Moon

That is all.

Shafted on release, but selling out wherever it did get played, I wish everyone involved with this great success in the future.

The Underrated

I think I’m going to dispense with this category next year. It’s too close to other ones, and I only put it in because it hasn’t been covered elsewhere. Still, for this time around, most films seemed to get the right amount of critical love and the right amount of exposure. As this is such a nebulous and almost undefinable category, it was a bit of an achievement to get two nominees. They were:

  • Battleship
  • Wrath of the Titans

I’ve only seen Battleship of these two, but hated Clash of the Titans so viscerally that I refuse to even contemplate the sequel.


There isn’t a winner here. Both films managed to poll the exact same percentage of the vote. As such, I’m making an executive decision and giving it to Battleship, simply because I hate the fact that they inserted Daddy issues excessively into Greek Mythology. Why the fuck can they not, you know, tell the story that has managed to endure for thousands of years without layering on douchebaggy 21st century character motivation. Hey, writer assholes, most of us don’t have issues with our father, can you please stop projecting your own insecurities onto characters and have them being heroic because, you know, THEY’RE FUCKING HEROES. No more conflict, no more interminable whinging, and just sack up and fucking stop it.

Battleshit gets it, because aside from being an utterly preposterous idea, it’s 20 minutes of inept exposition and cack handed character development away from being a truly hilarious slice of dumbhouse and is no way worthy of the brickbats it received. My word on this is final.

Rant over.

The Changian Film of the Year

This has been quite a good year for our type of film. Stuff something full of tits, guns, ultraviolence, car chases, comedy action one liners, more tits and so forth and we’re probably going to be on board. Particularly if you can work in an immensely dumb premise. The nominees this year were:

  • Dredd
  • Iron Sky

Either would have been a worthy winner. Dredd was a cracking update of the 2000AD comic book icon, and one that totally managed to wipe the shit stain that was Stallone’s effort off the record. Not, unfortunately, that it could overcome this massive drag factor, but nevertheless, they did have the balls to make it properly violent and it is the first film that I’ve ever seen that I regret not seeing in 3D. That’s an achievement in itself. Iron Sky on the other hand is (repeat after me) NAZIS ON THE FUCKING MOON. A comedy, of sorts, and one that I really enjoyed, Iron Sky was a gorgeous little film with some broad brush stroke satire and a very high laugh count.

The winner is:


While the general public at large delivered a shocking Judgement on this excellent film, it went down a treat here. Probably the single most violent action movie I’ve seen in a hell of a long time, and with enough touches from 2000AD to satisfy even the most hard-core nerds, I still consider it to be a tragedy that it didn’t make enough at the box office to justify a sequel. Hopefully, it’ll be like Bourne and absolutely sweep up on DVD.

Because I need my Dark Judges Film.

The Don Murphy Award for Cinematic Failure

As is always the way there was a vast amount of suckage here. We could, frankly, have nominated double the amount we eventually did, but I think we showed remarkable restraint to keep it down to 5. The nominations were:

  • Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Vengeance
  • Cosmopolis
  • Piranha 3DD
  • The Thing
  • Hugo

Hugo stands out here. It was nominated by a few of us, and it is a fucking dismal film, but it’s nowhere near the scale of awfulness as the other 4 on this list. While I don’t appreciate being boringly lectured to about the greats of Silent Cinema, there was at least some talent on display. Cosmopolis is arguably the biggest failure here- in that it is Cronenberg dealing with incredibly highly rated Source Material, but Droid seems to still be carrying the scars from his attempt at sitting through it. Piranha 3DD was apparently unwatchable horseshit (not a surprise) while The Thing was not only a needless prequel/ remake, but also managed to have one of the most cretinous, annoying and frankly boneheaded endings in a long time. Then there was Ghost Rider. Which I don’t want to talk about any more, because I hate it that much. Nevertheless, the Loser was:

I fucking hated this embarrassment. I honestly cannot understand how people keep fucking up what should be an easy subject to turn into a good Changian movie. Instead the effects were horrible, the film was dull, Cage was terrible, it was atrociously shot, boring, idiotic, and had the tired cliché of the hero struggling with his power before eventually renouncing it, just to get it back again at the climax just when needed. A wretched bowel movement of a film that Koutch inexplicably loves, Spirit of the Orangutan of Doom (hah) romped home in a landslide. Truly a dismal film.

OK, that us done for this year. I’ve played this one straight, because I’m so late on it, but as always, it’s been emotional.

Now, let’s get stuck into the after party, which I’m assured is catered by White Castle, has hot and cold running hookers and blow galore. Guinness are sponsoring the bar, and I’ll see you all there.



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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

6 responses to “The Golden Changs 2012- The winners are…”

  1. Droid says :

    Pretty much all my votes got up. Not enough people have suffered through Cosmoposhit (lucky bastards!) so that was a long shot.

    I’ll have to see A Seperation at some stage.

    Think we should merge Underrated and Shafted next year.

  2. Tim The Film Guy says :

    That is fantastic 😀

  3. ThereWolf says :

    The one that pleases me the most here is the Neeson award. His performance in ‘The Grey’ deserves to be recognised on a wider scale. FOR WOLF PUNCHER!

    Although in my version he doesn’t punch a wolf (but possibly off-screen he does).

    Thanks for putting this together, Jarv.

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