The Golden Changs 2012

Obviously, now we’ve passed our third year, and I’ve done the roundup of things we’ve been up to, it’s also time to announce the nomination process for the Golden Changs is open.

This prestigious award carries absolutely no cash prize whatsoever, but is a far more open, honest and, let’s fucking face it, prestigious award than the Oscars.

Last Year’s Awards are available here, and were all very worthy winners indeed.

The way this works is that I’ll simply remind people of who won what last year, and then all are encouraged to make suggestions for films released between October 8th 2011 and October 7th 2012. Those that receive multiple nods are put up to the vote. Or I’ll just pick 5. Whatever.

So, nomination time:

Film of the Year

Last year’s winner:

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

While probably not the best film of the year, Rise swept all before it in the awards. So what tickled your fancy? Did nipple-less Batman do it? What about the Alien prequel? or maybe something more cerebral like Dredd? Anyway, let us know and we’ll throw them in the pot.

The Chris Klein Award for Best Actor

Last Year’s Winner:

James Franco

Dead easy- what has been the best performance by a male actor in the last 12 months? Bale gravelling his way through Batman? Harry Potter improving exponentially in The Woman in Black? Woody Harrellson kicking turning in an effort far superior to the film in Rampart? Fuck it, it’s your choice, and we’ll throw it to the public.

The Emma Stone-Zombieland award for Actress

Last Year’s Winner:

Natalie Portman

Portman took the plaudits for her turn as an angsty lesbian ballet dancer in The Black Swan, but which actress has jiggled your jiblets this year? As with everything else, let us know.


Last Year’s Winner:

Stake Land

For those that can’t remember, the OUTLANDER Award is one that we pick that goes to a little/ independent film that has inexplicably been given the shaft by distributors. These are usually genre films of some description, and usually get one week before sinking without trace. Named after OUTLANDER (motherfucker), the film that united our little troupe, let’s see some love for the smaller films out there.

I’m nailing this one on, actually- IRON SKY for the win.

The Underrated Film of the Year

Last Year’s Winner:

Battle: LA

Some films just don’t resonate with the critics. While others simply don’t find their audience. This is our nod to efforts that we think are almost essential, yet just didn’t get enough love. So, what do you think was sadly neglected by the great and the good?

The Changian Film of the Year

Last Year’s Winner:

Fast 5

What do we like? Explosions, action, boob, stabbery, midgets, lesbians if at all possible, tasteful and totally essential to the plot nudity, cheesy acting, aliens, monsters, hammy dialogue and so forth. So, what films out there have splurged on the ultraviolence, and flashed more tits than a bird sanctuary? Let us know.

The Don Murphy Award for Cinematic Failure

Last Year’s Loser:

Sucker Punch

What a shit fucking film that was. Fucking Snyder.

Time to vent some spleen- what’s been the biggest piece of shit released in the last 12 months. I have my candidate, what’s everyone else looking for? There has been some god-awful pieces of trash out, make no mistake, so let’s give them some shit.

OK, that’s me out. I’ll do the usual tally on all contributions below the line and let this stand for about a week until everyone has thrown in.

So, see you for the nominations.



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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

186 responses to “The Golden Changs 2012”

  1. Jarv says :

    Film: Hard to see past Batman, in all honesty. However, TinSquared falls in the timeframe, as does Dredd. I’m also throwing in A Separation in that time.

    Actor: Urban in Dredd. It’s a top drawer Clint Impersonation that fit the film to a tee. Neeson in the Grey and Oldman in Tinker Tailor Soldier Snoozefest were also good. Woody in Rampart is meant to be excellent, but I’ve not seen it.

    Actress: Willing to name Hathaway for Bats and Leila Hatami for A Separation, Elena Ananya for The Skin I Live in, and Whatsherface Olsen was also good in MMMM. There’s some strong choices here.

    OUTLANDER: Easy. Iron Sky. Nailed on.

    Underrated Dunno. Should probably bin this category.

    Changian Dredd or Iron Sky

    Piece of shit So, so many: Haywire, New Year’s Eve to start with. Both utter shit. Hugo was fucking boring as hell, and you’ll never talk me out of it, and Ghost RIder: Spirit of Shitness.

    There we go.

  2. Just Pillow Talk says :

    As, yet again, I’ve seen zilch so far in movies this year, I cannot comment besides the fact that I certainly loved the third Batman.

  3. Col. Tigh-Fighter says :

    I dont know if it is counted as underrated, but I have watched Margin Call three times now. Such a fascinating film about the merciless bastards who gamble with our money.

    A fiction, but you can bet shit like that went down when it all crashed in 08.

  4. tombando says :

    Hmmmm thought Hugo was ok but slowww.

    • Jarv says :

      This is hard for me, because I now find myself in the same boat as Koutch, but I think he’s right- it’s an awful, boring, badly acted, trite, predictable, patronising, overly long, overly sentimental, tedious, exercise in masturbation and is probably Scorsese’s worst movie.

      Not to mention, shit like Borat’s lame gendarme are just embarrassing for all concerned.

  5. Droid says :

    Film: TDKR, Tintin, The Muppets, The Grey, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists!, Headhunters, Safety Not Guaranteed. Real Fucking Steel!

    Actor: Mendelsohn (Killing Them Softly). Urban (Dredd). Neeson (The Grey).

    Actress: Gershon (Killer Joe). Hathaway (TDKR).

    OUTLANDER: Iron Sky.

    Underrated: Battleshit.

    Changian: Dredd. Iron Sky. Battleshit. Real Fucking Steel!

    Piece of shit: Cosmoposhit. Piranha 3DoubleDogshit. Wandershit. Total Retread. The Shittest Hour. The Shitter. Immortals. A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Shitmas. Tower Heist. The Three Shitketeers. ALVH. GR2. The Thing retread.

  6. Jarv says :

    Also, Droid- Have you seen A Separation?

    It’s brilliant

  7. Jarv says :

    Re Immortals- I’m going to watch it, because I’m a mug for Greek Mythology and sword and sandal related stabbery.

    BUT given that I haven’t seen it, and hear it’s shit, it’s starting to look to me like Tarsem basically sucks and The Fall was the exception rather than the rule.

  8. Jarv says :

    Got over excited there, because I thought our server had been fixed and I could use this properly.

    Hasn’t happened, I still can’t reply to the comment thread.

  9. MORBIUS says :

    Anyone here see StillBourne?

    Would it fit in any of the GC categories?

    • Droid says :

      The new Bourne movie? I haven’t seen it. Someone here has. Maybe Tigh.

      • coltighfighter says :

        It’s not bad. Nothing ground shaking. I thought the chase through Manila was a fantastic bit of film making. But as I type this, I can’t even remember the ending. Which is never a good sign.

      • Droid says :

        Have you seen Bond yet? That’s a good one.

      • coltighfighter says :

        No. Going to see it tonight. I have high hopes….

      • Droid says :

        Want me to spoil it for you?

      • Droid says :

        Your silence is acquiescence.

        London is at peace. It’s the 8th Vesper Lynd day, a local holiday to commemorate the sacrifice of the hot chick from Casino Royale. A hobbled James Bond (Daniel Craig) has become a shut in, MI6 is in serious trouble and the burden of truth weighs heavily on M’s (The Dame) shoulders. She’s conflicted. She wants to put things right, and has handily prepared a written speech revealing the true story of the collosal fuck up that was Quantum of Solace. Unfortunately the speech falls into the hands of the dastardly Silva (Javier Bardem), a former member of MI6, who has set in motion a plan to destroy London, and MI6 along with it.

        And Bond dies at the end.

      • coltighfighter says :

        Haha there”ll be trouble if it is! I did wonder if M dies and Ralph Fiennes becomes the new M.

      • Droid says :

        I’ll let you keep wondering.

  10. coltighfighter says :

    One film which was far better than it needed to he was Madagascar 3. Supremely silly, and fantastic to look at.

  11. Jarv says :

    We need more nominations, or voting will be a bit of a farce. Any suggestions anyone?

  12. Jarv says :

    Or me and Droid can just give them out.

  13. ThereWolf says :

    I haven’t seen enough 2012 films to be able to say with any surety…

    ‘TDKR’ is probably the standout film. Actor… Neeson in ‘The Grey’ (though I did like JGL in ‘TDKR’ – but it doesn’t hold a candle to The Neeson). Actress… dunno… the chick in ‘Another Earth’… was that this year?

    Underrated… ‘The Grey’.

    Isn’t the Outlander category the same as Changian? ‘Iron Sky’ is nailed on – but I also enjoyed ‘Battleship’.

    Failure… ‘The Thing’. Cack. With nuts on.

  14. Bartleby says :

    Film: Beasts of the Southern Wild

    Actor: Koko (Red Dog), Mark Duplass from Safety Not Guranteed (think it’s better than it seems), and Neeson from Grey

    Actress: Brit Marling, The Sound of My Voice,


    Underrated: Paranorman

    Changian: Grabbers

    Piece of shit: Piranha 3DD

    • Droid says :


      Koko FTW!!!

      Think Piranha 3DD is the winner, or loser, of POS. But man, can we give it to two? Because Cosmopolis was such complete and utter shit that it would be remiss of us to not acknowledge it.

      • Bartleby says :

        Yea, that’s a good point…And Cosmopolis, by our previous standard of ‘when the potential is higher the fall is harder’, Cosmope is the real candidate.

        So Cosmopolis for worst film. Piranha 3DD for an honorary Murph.

      • Droid says :

        There is no honour in a Murph.

        A Dishonourary Murph.

    • Continentalop says :

      I was actually disappointed by Beast of the Southern Wild.

      I think Jarv said A Seperation was eligible. If so that’s my film of the year.

      • Droid says :

        Wow. Two movies from the same year. Post 1980. I’m gobsmacked.

      • Continentalop says :

        I actually saw a lot of films that came out this year, but none of the ones I’ve seen really stick with me.

        It’s too bad Boy Wonder didn’t come out this year.

      • Bartleby says :

        You didnt like it Conti? Thoughts?

        I saw A Separation last summer so I forgot about it.

      • Continentalop says :


        Actor: Oldman for TTSS, Richard Jenkins for Cabin in the Woods, Patton Oswalt for Young Adult.

        Actress: Charlize Theron for Young Adult, Leila Hatami for A Separation.

        Underrated: Act of Valor.

        Murph: What to Expect When Expecting.

      • koutchboom says :

        Good call on Jenkins!

      • Droid says :

        Jenkins? Fuck no.

      • koutchboom says :

        Bad call on Patton, fuck him.

      • Continentalop says :

        It just didn’t grab me liked I hoped Bart. It seemed forced at times and I think the direction & script was a little too obvious.

        It wasn’t a bad movie but it certainly didn’t live up to the accolades IMO.

      • Continentalop says :

        C’mon koutch, he actually was good in that. And I’m no Oswalt fan (except for Big Fan).

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah I liked him in Fan. I liked him to a point in Young Adult, I didn’t like the conceit between them at the end, I didn’t really by it. Up until then I would have bought it. Also a guy like that wouldn’t have gone through with it, he’s desperate sure but he was still kind hearted.

      • koutchboom says :

        Though his best was Sex and Death 101.

  15. Bartleby says :

    Maybe it should just be an ornery Murph

  16. Jarv says :

    I, for one, shall be pissed off if New Year’s Eve or Ghost Rider 2 doesn’t take the Murph.

    Hideous films.

  17. Jarv says :

    A Separation was 30th December.

  18. Jarv says :

    Right, that’s everyone now. I’ll do the voting thingy soon.

  19. koutchboom says :

    Echo liked V/H/S? Jesus what’s going on in his head? yuck.

    • Bartleby says :

      You didnt like it? There was plenty of good in there. Sure there’s some bookend stuff that is horrid but its a decent anthology.

      • koutchboom says :

        For as much as you bitch about TP and shit, then you like that? Just odd. I didn’t hate it, the main guys in the house didn’t get it good enough in the end. Maybe they just remind you of you and your friends, lord knows what fuck up shit your into in your free time.

      • Bartleby says :

        A) there’s no TP at all in VHS.

        B) in my review I call out the wraparound as being complete crap. I hated it and you are right, not only did he not get it good enough,t here was no resolution to that. it was junk.

        C) there were five other stories in the movie besides that one, which was admittedly just the bookend.

        d) I really liked West’s segment, the sick thing that happened to emily when she was young, and 10.31.98.

        Amateur Night wasnt good, and I didnt like Tuesday the 13th either.

      • koutchboom says :

        E) I thought that last one was West since it was pretty much a rip off of House Of The Devil.

        F) yeah I liked Wests one the best, it was the only decent one the rest were just meh.

        G) weres your review.

        H) I know its not TP I included the and such since it has that scummy vibe and look of most of those TP and French extreme films you shit on, but it never goes far enough. Which also made it bland.

      • Bartleby says :

        Review was here: and we Podcasted on it.

        I didnt think it was a fantastic movie, but I did really enjoy it, minus some of the sections. I liked the skype one, much better than the same attempt in PA4. BTW, what did you think of PA4? After the pretty good third movie, PA4 was like complete useless fluff. The monster mostly sits on its ass and plays xbox.

        The last segment, with the guys in the haunted house, was by far my favorite.

        Since the ‘too far’ seems to be how I categorize a film as TP, I didnt mind that most of them held back on stuff. I do realize you might not be talking about violence here, but might mean any number of other genre elements.

        Something having a scummy vibe doesnt necessarily make me hate it. It’s not even always being extreme. Its when a movie thinks it has achieved profundity or avant garde status by being ‘extreme’.

        I saw there’s a new Collector movie out. Are you going? I thought the hero of the last got collected? Why is he back?

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah I’m gonna return for Nolans favorite horror franchise! Can’t wait. I think in the trailer they say he escaped?

        With VHS also the negativity toward women it opens up with. Some of the shit made it more fucked up in my mind then some hostel like thing because it came off real.

        But I dug the last segment, but didn’t you think it was house of the devil again?

        I didn’t really like the Skype one cause it was really far fetched and didn’t make a hell of a lot of sense. It was ok though, interesting idea. I’d say they did something different with it than they did with PA4 at least.

        PA 4 was let down, they should’ve have finished the series with it. It was all fluff save for the last five minutes, which were also the only scary moments. It was a lot of tease and homage to shit. Hopefully after the lesser returns of this one they will end it next year and stop stringing fans along. At least as Saw got to 5-6 it got a lot more silly and fun, PA4 was spinning its wheels.

        I wonder if they will try to pull a REC3 with it and go full out movie. While I think they lost a lot of the horror aspect and turned it into a silly zombie movie when REC3 made the switch to actual movie, I appreciated the attempt.

        A better movie than all those both dramatically and spooks wise is Apartment 143. Yeah it relies on jump scares but there is one really really affective use of it. They should give that guy PA5. Also the drama in Apartment was really good.

      • Bartleby says :

        Like HOTD? I can see that. I think its a bit more fun, but I see what you mean, especially nailing the 80s feel. But there was something very carnival like about that segment. Ti’s segment was actually the second honeymoon one with the couple traveling cross country.

        The d-bags assaulting the girl in the parking garage was so deplorable, that when I saw it at the MFF I almost walked out. The first segment wasnt doing it any favors, until crazy eyes started ripping scrotums and then it became mildly interesting.

        I rented it on VOD later and showed my wife just segments 2,3,4,5 and skipped the bookends and Amateur Night and she liked it just fine.

        The bookend crap should have been cut altogether. I also agree about it feeling worse than something over-the-top like Hostel.

        Apartment 143 is better in execution than story. I agree that some of the detail and atmosphere is really good. I didnt like the ending much, but it was a fun little film I thought.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah I realized that was Tis segment after the movie, during it I assumed he did the last one.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah Apartments ending was weak, that final shot though scared the shit out of my wife.

        Hehehe that’s funny about VHS. I recorded it on HDNet and I JUST KNEW there was gonna be something to piss my wife off about it. But she insisted on watching it with me. I knew nothing about it really except Tis involvement, didn’t even see the trailer. And needless to say she left at the start of the first segment. Afterward I try to tell her she would’ve have enjoyed some of the rest, but that the initial guys didn’t get it good enough in the end, so she didn’t care.

  20. koutchboom says :

    God I didn’t watch much from this year.

    Film Of the Year: Rises
    Actress: That Hunger Games girl for that movie
    Actor: Bale, Ryhs Ifans (Anonymous and Spiderman)
    Outlander: Goon
    Under Rated: Ghost Rider 2 or Wrath Of The Titans
    Changian Film: Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter
    The Don Murphy Award for Cinematic Failure: Hugo eh through Ted in there as well pretty worthless that one.

    • Jarv says :

      Cheers K.

      Knew you’d put Hugo in there.

      Right. That’s the lot. Will do the voting thingy today. I hope. Maybe tomorrow. Possibly friday. Definitely in the near future.

  21. Jarv says :

    Going by this, I think the awards are probably going to be as follows:

    Film- Rises
    Actor- Neeson
    Actress- Whatsherface from A Seperation
    OUTLANDER- Iron Sky
    Underrated- The Grey
    Changian- Dredd (fucking better be)
    The Murph- either Cosmopolis or Hugo. Could be tight either way. I’d still like to see Ghost Rider 2 take it, but did anyone expect that to be good.

    A nice mix this year.

    • Droid says :

      I have two problems with this. Firstly, The Grey is absolutely 100% “rated”. It was fully supported, it was strongly reviewed, and it was relatively successful at the BO. 6.9/10 on IMDB and 79% RT. I think it’s a terrific film, and deserves mention, but it is not by any means underrated.

      Secondly, Hugo is rubbish, but it’s incomparable to dogshit like Cos/GR2/3DD. Not to mention Wanderlust, Total Retread, ALVH, Project X, Spidermeh and Taken 2. I realise everyone’s entitled to their opinion, and I didn’t like Hugo, but it’s not anywhere in the vicinity of utter, cretinous garbage that any of these others are.

      • Jarv says :

        See, I detested Hugo. Was looking at your and Jonah’s discussion about Cosmoshit failing more than 3DD and therefore being worse. Well, arguably, Hugo failed by more than cosmoshit although it may be a better film.

        But no, I don’t think it’s as bad as either GR2 or NYE. Both of which are horrible.

        On Underrated films this year, I don’t think anything has been loved by us that hasn’t received cuddles. Arguably Dredd tanked at the Box Office, but has strong reviews and IMDB ratings etc. I’m seriously thinking about binning that category, because it’s better covered elsewhere.

      • Droid says :

        Underrated = Battleshit!!!!

        No, you haven’t seen Cos or 3DD so you cannot fathom just how much worse than Hugo they are. (I also can’t really understand how you can feel so strongly about Hugo as to “detest” it. It’s dull, and self-important, and dull, but nothing about it really stirs much negative emotion in me. I almost instantly forgot about it until you brought it up when you saw it.)

      • Droid says :

        I suppose the only really hateful thing about it is the ridiculous budget. But that’s kind of offset by the fact that it kind of bombed at the BO.

      • Jarv says :

        Also, I am trying to second guess a vote. Which is almost impossible to do.

      • Jarv says :

        Couldn’t stand it.

        Hate self-indulgence to begin with, and to be so pompous and patronising was just grating. Add in that it was hugely boring and an astronomical waste of $100m, not to mention the talent involved and it had me climbing the wall.

        However, it’s nowhere near as bad as either New Year’s Eve or Ghost Rider 2. Both of which are abysmal, and far worse than Scorsese’s effort.

      • Droid says :

        I’d say it should come down to:

        GR2: Enough of us have seen, or attempted to see it. Both myself and Col turned it off. You hated it. Koutch loved it, which is enough of a reason to give it the Murph.
        3DD and Cosmoposhit: Only Jonah and I have seen them (as far as I know) and we both agree that they’re astonishingly bad. Might need more people to see it for them to get up.

        To me, Hugo is just a nothing movie. It’s not really in the same POS class as the others.

      • Jarv says :

        Agree with that. I, personally, hope GR2 takes it, because it’s fucking rancid.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah too bad SH2 couldn’t be a nom, its easily the clear winner. Hopefully it will take it next year.

      • Jarv says :

        Very probably.

        Everyone seems to hate it. But isn’t there Man of Stool next year? Snyder+ Superman+ “realism”= unwatchable shite.

      • koutchboom says :

        Hopefully Nolan slapped him around a little bit before shooting began.

      • Jarv says :

        With a fucking baseball bat with barbed wire wrapped round it.

      • Droid says :

        I didn’t hate it. I just didn’t think it was very good. I did hate the GOT bloke though.

        Supes won’t be the worst movie of 2013. (I hope) There’s dreck like Texas Chainsaw 3D (saw the trailer last night. Looks abysmal), Bullet to the Head, Carrie, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, Evil ReDead, Scary Movie 5, The Hangover Part III. Just in the first few months.

      • koutchboom says :

        That Texas Chainsaw 3D is a good trailer….for what is clearly a DTV movie. I’ve seen it several times now its sort of a shame.

      • Jarv says :

        Unnecessary as hell. They need to stop raping the corpse of that thing.

      • Droid says :

        Christ, man. It’s a terrible trailer for a terrible looking POS.

      • koutchboom says :

        No the movie looks like shit. The way the trailer is cut and edited and the music choice is all very effective. The echoing chainsaw noise is good. Your watching it and thinking this can’t be the movie they are promoting.

      • Droid says :

        No, I’m watching it thinking how the fuck does this dreck get made?

      • koutchboom says :

        Because you can package it up nice and sell it as something better than it is.

      • koutchboom says :

        Sort of like Silent Hill 2.

      • Droid says :

        Hey, I’m still baffled as to how SH2 got made.

      • koutchboom says :

        I feel the success of Resident Evil 4 somehow had a hand in it.

      • Jarv says :

        Christ, that film’s a fucking stinker.

        And Ghost Rider 2 was NOT fun. He wasn’t enough on fire either, in fact, I’d say the rider design and effects were worse than the original.

        Agree about SA.

      • koutchboom says :

        The reveal of the Rider was more epic than anything in Vengers.

      • Jarv says :

        See, this surprises me about you and GR2, because you’re always banging on about things being epic. There was nothing epic at all about it, and some of it was actively shit.

        The Rider’s appearance in the first film and the ride across the desert was far more epic than anything in the sequel.

      • koutchboom says :

        That reveal of him losing his shit in the garage with the camera peeking around from the otherside of the building and we just see flames inside then him plowing off in the bike and we just see black smoke. Then cut to the bad guys and you just hear the engine once or twice then the rider comes flying in, yeah that was pretty epic.

        Also the scene with the massive digger thing, I thought that was awesome. The way it was shot was just crazy.

        And I dug Cages freak out whilst driving and screaming and turning into the Rider. The only thing I didnt like was Cage is not aging in the proper manner for these roles, he’s looking more Jim Broadbent less Clint Eastwood.

        I mean you guys fucking hate Ned and Ted… no surprise when you hate one of their films. I went in expecting to hate it casual I feared they would be neutered with Marvel, then it turns out they make the most pure fun and pulpy comic book like movie since a Blade film of your choice. It reminded me of the 90s comic book movies that were made for the love of comics not the love of money from bland generic movies.

        It took odd chances, that obviously didn’t connect with all but it took chances which is more than I can say for any post Spiderman 3 comic book film.

      • koutchboom says :

        Save for Batman…Jesus sorry I don’t even see those as comic book movies. My bad, exclude those from my comment.

      • Droid says :

        SH2 isn’t as bad as any of those movies I mentioned.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah it was worse.

      • koutchboom says :

        Maybe not P3DD Idk about that?

      • Jarv says :

        Ghost Rider 2 was fucking abysmal honk.

        Don’t forget there’s bound to be a plethora of repugnant shite coming in January.

      • Jarv says :

        The Hangover Part III

        I’m willing to nail this on for next year’s Murph.

      • Droid says :

        Also, After Earth (M. Night and the Big Willy Smith family), Kick Ass 2, World War Z, The Lone Ranger, Grown Ups 2, The Smurfs 2, 300: Rise of an Empire, RED 2. A lot of potentially shit movies. Some potentially good ones too I admit.

      • Jarv says :

        World War Z

        I can see me orangutan of dooming that one.

      • koutchboom says :

        Your not excited by the Lone Ranger? That movie looks awesome.

      • koutchboom says :

        The worst scene I’ve seen in any movie in some time is that class room speech scene in Silent Hill 2, for that scene alone its worse than GR2.

      • Jarv says :

        Cannot be worse than the scene in GR2 where cage is interrogating the guy. I honestly felt bad for him.

        Shamefully awful.

      • koutchboom says :

        Naw that was rage cage. If you don’t like that then you don’t understand the hairpiece.

      • Jarv says :

        I do understand it, but it was the horrible way it was shot. Made him look like a right arsepiece.

        Cage was OTT, which was right, but everything else about it was awful. Particularly the way it was shot.

      • Droid says :

        It’s not worse than the scene in Cosmoposhit where R-Patz talks boring nonsense for 10 minutes while getting his prostate examined, looking like he’s getting off on it. No scene is worse than that.

      • Jarv says :

        Er, yes

        That sounds like a winner.

      • Jarv says :

        Well, loser.

      • Droid says :

        And because 90% of the movie is shot in the back of a limo, and that entire scene plays out there, the only place Cronenturdburger can stick the camera is right up in R-Patz’s grill. So you get this uncomfortably extreme closeup of his face while in the background a doctor fingers his bum. For 10 minutes.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah Cosmo does sound awful. At least GR 2 is good for beers and fun and its short and everything is on fire. Cosmo sounds possibly more boring than Hugo.

        Surprisingly a lot if stuff in Silent Hill 2 was on fire but it never added to the fun. Sorcereres Apprentice had fun with fire, that’s an under rated film.

      • Droid says :

        SA is a fun movie.

        One of the major problems with SH2 for me is that it had no rhythm. No narrative flow. It’s like each scene had the ends hacked off, so the movie lurched along in an in-eloquent, choppy rhythm. Characters would show up, things would happen, not much was explained, then EVERYTHING was explained in lengthy exposition scenes and then the ending was a poorly shot fight scene (too close to the action syndrome) in which ALL of the main characters stood back and watched. None of them participated. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that in a movie.

        I did really like the spider monster made out of humans that have been turned into mannequins. That was far and away the best bit of the movie.

      • koutchboom says :

        You didn’t dig the hug fight?

        But yeah that’s a good way to describe SH2, also too much dialog given to that one fuck who sounded like he was reading the script for the first time with everything he said.

        Hehehe also all this emphasis placed on needing both halves of the coin to bring someone out, then she leaves with two people? Or something like that? Idk.

      • Jarv says :

        emphasis placed on needing both halves of the coin to bring someone out

        That’s from the game. Straight from it.

      • Droid says :

        If you’re talking about the GOT guy, I’ve already established my loathing for that turd.

      • koutchboom says :

        The hug fight was between the two halves of Michelle Williams on the merry go round.

      • Jarv says :

        Straight from the game as well. Except it’s good in the game.

      • koutchboom says :

        Is the hug battle in the game played out like the sex battle from Gods of War?

      • Jarv says :

        No. By this point you’ve got the katana blade, and you go to work on the infected horses. This draws her out, and you blow the bitch away with a big gun. Or use the lightsabre on her, that fucks her up.

        No hugging.

      • Droid says :

        I was responding to this…

        too much dialog given to that one fuck who sounded like he was reading the script for the first time with everything he said

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah I know, I just like making fun of the hug off.

      • Droid says :

        Lastly, one thing I didn’t like is all the score-enabled “jump scares”. A bunch of them, especially early on. I mean, a fucking toaster ejecting a pop tart is accompanied by a clanging musical chord for fuck sake.

      • koutchboom says :

        I guess it was the most video game like movie ever. Because every new scene seemed like a new level with some vague connection between them all.

      • Droid says :

        Well, Scott Pilgrim is probably the most video game movie ever because that movie had clearly defined “levels” and “bosses”.

        SH2 was missing that kind of mad, grand vision of the first one. The town in 2 felt like one foggy street, an abandoned warehouse and a smelting plant. Much would have to do with the fact that 2 had 40% of the budget of the first one, but still.

      • Jarv says :

        The town is really minor in the game

        She stops off at the motel and goes on a wee investigate, before going back to the motel. After that she goes to the fairground outside of town and then enters the church/ orphanage.

      • Droid says :

        Yes, that’s pretty much how it plays out. Real world, motel, fairground, then (I think) she wanders through town, meets Debra Kara Unger who expositions at her, then the rest of the film until the end is inside.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m starting to think I may like it.

      • Droid says :

        Maybe. If you can get passed the bad acting, and the poorly shot fight scenes. Storywise, I’m sure you’ll get more out of it because you’ll be able to fill in blanks or recognise things.

      • Jarv says :

        Also, and this is important, none of the areas are that big. When she’s trapped in the mall, she triggers something that takes her into the nightmare world, and basically a rotten version of the mall.

        It’s about her being pregnant with the god, and the foetus needing to feed on her rage to grow powerful. You find this out at the end, and it’s rancid.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah I’m pretty sure now that the movie is just deleted scenes from the game.

      • Droid says :

        No, she’s not pregnant in the movie. She’s Alyssa’s child. Well, Alyssa created her out of what was left of her “good” and sent her away. Or something. Because she was persecuted by the townsfolk. Once she rid herself of her “good” she went apeshit and turned the town to ash.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s kind of from the games. Except she’s up the duff with the god and doesn’t know it. Something like that, anyway.

      • Jarv says :

        There are basically 5 sections to the game:

        1) The mall
        2) The subway
        3) SH and the hospital
        4) The Fairground
        5) The Church

        Each of them is a really clearly defined area, and you can’t go back once you get to each bit. Once you enter the subway, you can’t get back to the mall, and once you get to the Hospital you can’t go back to SH.

        It doubles up with the nightmare world as well.

      • Jarv says :

        Insidious style?

      • Droid says :

        Yes, Insidious style.

      • Droid says :

        Hehehe also all this emphasis placed on needing both halves of the coin to bring someone out, then she leaves with two people? Or something like that? Idk.

        I was never 100% sure of the rules. GOT douche says at one point that “sometimes people are allowed to leave for a short time”. But with all the mayhem going on around the girl in the “real world” it seems that half of Silent Hill are out of town.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah, seeing that MJ wrote it are we sure English is his first language?

      • Jarv says :

        It sounds like from what you two are saying that I may enjoy it a lot more than you as I’m really familiar with the game.

        It also sounds like he’s basically tried to map his way through the big set pieces in the game and incorporate as much of the storyline as he can- but he’s doomed because it’s incredibly complicated.

        Did Dahlia eat the miscarriage in it?

      • Droid says :

        No miscarriage consumption.

      • Jarv says :


        Still the most minging bit of any game I’ve seen. Properly fucking repugnant, actually.

      • koutchboom says :

        Well its really more of the lame acting that killed it for me. That and they never went crazy enough with shit, ie no miscarriage eating.

        There was like 49 shots of pyramid head cranking a merry go round.

      • Jarv says :

        There was like 49 shots of pyramid head cranking a merry go round.

        That’s another nod to the game. Except it’s not Pyramid head. Forgotten what he’s called.

        Does she fight the big penis monster in the mall?

      • Jarv says :

        Does she go to the hospital to kill Dahlia’s father? That’s minging as well. As is the fight with the chainsaw weilding nutter on the roof of her apartment.

        Man, this fucking game ROCKS. I may replay it again.

      • Droid says :

        None of that. She’s essentially hopeless until the scene with Alyssa, which is right near the end.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s fundamentally wrong. She needs to be kicking all sorts of ass all the way through.

        And Sean Bean’s character should only be in it to be eviscerated by Dahlia and the chainsaw nutter.

      • koutchboom says :

        The only chainsaw I recall from the movie was in the trailer for Texas Chainsaw 3D before hand.

      • Droid says :

        Sean Bean is the bait. He spends most of the movie tied up. And he survives at the end to go look for Radha Mitchell in what is obviously a misguided set up for the third one.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s not dissimilar. The character is tied to a chair and eviscerated by Dahlia and the nutter.

      • Jarv says :

        Weirdly, if that’s the set up, that sounds a LOT like a way to segue into Silent Hill 2 the game.

        Which makes sense, because 3 is the direct sequel to 1, and 2 and 4 stand alone as ghost stories that are set in Silent Hill.

      • Droid says :

        I’m now interested in your appraisal of it. Maybe you’ll like it. Maybe you absolutely need familiarity with the games. It’s a horrendous way to make a movie, but there might be something worthwhile in it for you.

      • Jarv says :

        If that’s the case, then I agree with you- that’s a rotten way to make a film.

        It’s the video game equivalent of Turdmen.

      • Jarv says :

        Reeds Review published.

      • Jarv says :

        Also, it sounds very much like it has untold other problems that will annoy me.

      • Droid says :

        You’ll be annoyed by a) poor acting, b) poor directing (of the final fight), and c) the cunt from GOT.

        But, it’s possible you may look passed some of it if you get enough out of the familiarity with the story. Unfortunately I was a bit lost and the movie doesn’t really have the clarity required to inform the non-familiar.

      • Droid says :

        But man does that main girl look like Michelle Williams. Someone needs to cast them as sisters in a movie asap.

      • Jarv says :

        She does look exactly like Heather as well. When I first played it I thought of Michelle Williams if anyone filmed it.

      • Jarv says :

        a) poor acting, b) poor directing (of the final fight), and c) the cunt from GOT.

        a) I have been known to let that slide before
        b) see a
        c) Hate him. He’s a cunt.

        the movie doesn’t really have the clarity required to inform the non-familiar.

        As a more general point, that was one of the problems with the first film.

      • Droid says :

        But the difference is that the first one had a nutty, big, bold, eye-fondling vision. Narrative? Baffling at times. But man is it a treat of the eyes. SH2 suffers because it simply can’t afford such large scale visuals.

      • Jarv says :

        Yes- the aesthetics of the first one covered a lot of the problems.

      • Droid says :

        Does she fight the big penis monster in the mall?

        No, the GOT douche isn’t in that scene.

      • Jarv says :


        Not the penis monster I was thinking of.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s mangled. Utterly mangled.

        The rationale is that she’s still Alyssa and is being drawn back to SH. It’s the demon manipulating the real world around her. This is really clear in the game because every time you go into nightmare world you see a demon turning wheels etc. Silent Hill in the game is a deserted town, with a population of about 3.

      • Droid says :

        In the movie it’s the townsfolk that are cursed by the demon Alyssa and want to draw Sharon (or whatever her name was) back to Silent Hill. Because she is the key to defeating Alyssa. Or something.

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