Requiem for procrastination: Jarv looks at the last 12 months of Werewolves on the Moon.

Another October has passed and we’re another year older and wiser. Thus it is time for me to trawl through the archives and present some of our efforts that have been hugely entertaining and maybe worthy of another look.

Last year, I did this by month, but I’m not so sure that’s the way forward this time. Basically, the year has been dominated by a number of series, and so instead of me churning out loads and patting myself on the back, I thought I’d just look at a few of the contributions from various good Changians. Some have been fun for all involved, and some of them less enjoyable for one of the brethren (Just Pillow Talk).

So, here we go: Happy Belated Birthday to us….

Firstly, I’m just going to run through some of the non-open ended series that we’ve been on:

The Birthday Nightmare:

Full Series available here on his final Birthday Nightmare Review: The Eagle

May as well get the most amusing one up first. The Birthday Series was originally Droid’s idea.  The way it works is you pick one film released near to your birthday and  review it for every year that you’ve graced the planet with your existence.

When we saw Just Pillow Talk’s list, there was an outpouring of pity for him. When he announced that he was going to take it on, we began to wonder if a call to the men in the white coats may be in order. He started this in 2011, but the horror hadn’t finished yet, so  he carried on into our third year with a run of stinkers the likes of which can barely be believed. The grade manipulation here was getting very, very suspicious as useless efforts such as Step Up 2 Da Streets (available here) received highly dubious ratings, but this was, in fairness, probably to counterbalance movies such as Son of the Mask, which can genuinely lay claim to being one of the worst films ever made.

Still he made it. Just for 2012’s entry, JPT, which, I believe, is Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Cretinism. Don’t make us send a tiger in a hat after you.

Wolf’s Birthday Bash

Full Series available here

Wolf, on the other hand, looked at this and drew up his own list. While not as painful as JPT’s, his effort proved to be very Europe heavy, with a quite surprising amount of films from the continent popping up. Some of them, such as Obchod Na Korze can lay claim to being some of the best reviews ever turned out here, even if the films tended towards the inexplicable on occasion.

Not only was this series stuffed full of variety in terms of quality of film (and note, Wolf had the same difficulties in the last decade finding a film that didn’t suck balls that we all had), but it also spawned the quite outstanding Rude Gorilla rating (first appearance in The Incredible Shrinking Woman), another disgruntled simian to add to our collection.

All in all, this was a cracking try at what has proven to be an extremely hard series, and also it let us know precisely how old Wolf is nowadays (Hint, he’s getting his bus pass).

Nevertheless, it’s always nice to see another person take on this terrible idea, because it usually does serve to provide some of our best material.

My Birthday Series Redux

Full Series to date available on the most recent review: Schock.

Due to being a moron, I’d made an inexplicable cock up on my first run through. As such, I blundered across the hideous Post Grad, which I should have seen first time round, and so decided to relaunch My Birthday Series, but going from the  modern day to the 70’s.

This was, as will no doubt come as a massive shock to precisely no-one, a ridiculously bad idea. It threw out a horrible amount of Almodovar (including All About My Mother, which I hated first time, and was unsurprised to find I still hated. Oh, and I was also lucky enough to see Rob Lowe dancing in his scuds in Oxford Blues

It’s definitely not been as good as last year, and I’m stalled because I don’t want to watch the Keith Lemon film.

Never mind- now for the big one:

Mission Impossible: Droid Protocol

Fuck knows what I was thinking of here. Droid, perennial lazy convict git that he is, was stuck in one of his frequent bouts of narcolepsy writer’s block. As such, I was going to Spain, so made the ill thought out wager that he’d not be able to complete 8 reviews in the time I was away.

Droid has a number of series running at the moment and the challenge involved him having to complete a number of reviews from each one. I’ll be coming back to some of them later, as despite being part f Droid Protocol, they’re also in The World According to Arnie and so forth.

At least he did suffer a bit, though, as he had to sit through The Philadelphia Experiment, which made me feel a bit better.Nevertheless, the rotten bastard did finish it, which meant I was lumbered with the frankly hideous New Year’s Eve. Read it and laugh at my pain, arseholes.

This, clearly, was a terrible call on my behalf as the forfeit was truly dire. Nevertheless, the thought of me suffering proved to be sufficient motivation for the clapped out trash can to get his lazy gyroscopes into gear and produce some of his best work. This included the hugely entertaining Mission Impossible round up, which came complete with our first insight into the world of Marketing scumbags in Tinseltown.

The Marvel Mayhem Tour of Funny Book Adaptations

Full Series here

Did JPT learn from his experience with the Birthday Series? No, did he fuck- because no sooner had he done than he rashly reckoned that storming through the entire Marvel funnybook adaptation canon would be a piece of cake.

I’m not going to dwell on this one, but at least he did get some decent films to look at. However,  he did eviscerate the three spidey films and tried once again to solve the eternal Hulk v Hulk wrangle that’s been around since we began this.

Now, about that Ghost RIder 2 Review….

Rather than go through every single open ended series, I’m just going to put up my choices for the top 5 of what everyone has done. I’ll start with…

Xiphos

Xi, unlike me, has an actual job where he has to get out there and do things rather than wasting all day behind a monitor titting around with HTML.

Nevertheless, in the meantime, he’s covered a fair amount of stuff, usually of the TV variety but before we go into that, last November he published his usual excellent look at Veteran’s dayThese posts are always good value, and at the very least ask us, not unreasonably, to think of something other than midgets and boob.

On to TV, here’s Xi dishing out a well deserved kicking to that bag of shit Homeland Which is another piss poor series getting an utterly unmerited tongue bath from internet nerds. I, honestly, do not understand the love for this steaming pile, and neither, looking at it, does Xi.

While we’re at it, here’s me and Xi beating the snot out of overrated nerd favourite Game of Thrones. Crap series, but I’m doomed to watch it forever.

Proving that he’s not just all about TV, he took time out in the summer to, er, savage Oliver Stone’s SavagesIn all honesty, outside of Cokey McFrankensteinhead, there’s only Stone that’s a guaranteed to get his blood boiling every time.

Finally, kicking off the Changian Year (one day, our Calendar will replace the current nonsensical one), Xi popped up with a short story, and it’s a good ‘un. Here’s 10 Power View.

Droid

Yes he’s drunk, and yes, he’s perpetually lazy, but the trash can is the go-to robot when it comes to actually getting off his ass and reviewing things in the cinema. Other than those, though, he’s got a number of long running series that he’s been batting around for a while.

However, first up in terms of interest is our long  running attempt to pull together the brilliant ideas we’ve all had for Astrodykes v Werewolves on the Moon. This, little piece is well worth looking at, simply for some of the bizarre and outlandish casting suggestions, and the sage advice to keep Koutch well away from the Catering truck.

Finally- the review we were all clamouring for! He rounded off his best of the last decade with a look at Adaptation– an excellent film with a double dose of the Hairpiece- which is never a bad thing.

He’s also been running through every single Arnie film. The last year has been notable for a feigned writer’s block that inexplicably got worse and worse the nearer to the 1990’s he got. Man up, Robot, Junior and Jingle all the Way aren’t that bad. To be fair, though, he did turn out a cracking look at Predator

He was also the originator of the lousy Birthday Series idea, and remains the only person not to finish his first attempt. The reason for this? he was floored by Douglas stinker The Star Chamber. This one is well worth a look just for the captions, and is a nice review on top.

Finally, here’s his look at The Dark Knight Rises. Nothing to say about that- but it is a top review.

Wolf

So, aside from the Birthday Series, what’s Wolf been up to for the last year?

Well, let me tell you. To start with he’s had that Star Trek series kicking around (this will kill him eventually), and put in a hilariously outraged review of Star Trek V. Funny stuff.

Then he had a look at some end of the world scenarios. In a blast from the past, he took a gander at The Day the Earth Caught Fire. Which I still need to see.

In the summer, when not wading through dubious French farces about child molestation, he took some time out to go to the Cinema,  and was first out of the blocks with Prometheus. You may have heard of this one, but it is in no way an Alien prequel.

Finally, he provided a movie confessions (we all did this actually), which is a bit of a break for the lycanthrope.

As for me? Well, I’m not judging my own stuff here, because a) there’s loads of it, and I can barely remember most of fit, and b)I’ll get it wrong. But I promise I have penned a good amount in the last year.

See you later for The Golden Changs, don’t forget to grab a piece of cake on your way out.

Ciao,

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

23 responses to “Requiem for procrastination: Jarv looks at the last 12 months of Werewolves on the Moon.”

  1. Droid says :

    Thanks for putting this together. You tend to forget just how much good content everyone produces.

    I promise to be just as lazy this year as I was in any of the last. Why break a habit of a lifetime? And cut the shit. Jingle All The Way and Junior are absolute stinkers.

    I’d like to give you a shout out for the excellent “Censors” series. ’twas a good one.

    • Jarv says :

      Cheers. It’s always nice to look at this stuff- we’ve averaged about 25 posts per month, which isn’t too bad. I couldn’t be arsed to do it month by month though.

      I don’t like grading my own stuff. It’s what stopped me doing the look back at the vauit. Amongst other things.

  2. kloipy says :

    thanks for putting this up Jarv. Can’t believe how quickly the time has gone by. Still blows my mind to think we first started talking and joining up as friends almost 7 years ago. Thanks again man. Long live Moonwolves

  3. MORBIUS says :

    .
    Congratulations seem to be in order.
    Well done Moonwolves!
    Nice retrospect Jarv, I also liked your MISFITS reviews.
    And you managed a full piece w/out using your signature “cunt”.

    I looked, cake’s all gone, fuckin’ Koutch!

    • Jarv says :

      Cheers morbi.

      He does like his cake.

      I didn’t do my longer running stuff, but I’ll be back with new misfits. Only has 1 of the original cast in it. Apparently. Socha got herself banged up so was fired.

  4. tombando says :

    Obviously Xiphos needs to do a Cloverfield review(complete w/ those missing Robot Lions…).

  5. Continentalop says :

    A tip of my hat to all of you. Good year of work out of all of you.

    Suggested future columns:

    “Anthropophagus” by droid.
    Werewolf movies by ThereWolf (seems natural)
    Hitler’s birthday series by JPT
    The best of French Cinema by Xi
    100% Jennifer Anniston by Jarv

    And generally just more from koutch & kloipy.

  6. Xiphos0311 says :

    top work here Jarv top work. Obviously youa re one of the top men they Feds used in Raiders.

  7. Just Pillow Talk says :

    I swear as soon as that steaming pile of dog poo known as Ghost Rider 2 hits HBO, I’ll review it. Seriously.

  8. ThereWolf says :

    Oi! Bus pass! I’m not THAT fuckin old!

    Anyway, thanks for the nod. You should also take a bow for the ‘Censorship’ series – top notch with added re-readability.

    In fact, a ‘well played’ all round to my fellow scribblers.

    Why did you have to remind me about ‘Trek’…

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