Droid’s Birthday Series: The Star Chamber (1983)
Hey, wouldn’t you know it, it’s my birthday again! And I’m still doing my birthday series!
I know what you’ve all been thinking… Why hasn’t Droid finished his Birthday review series!? It’s the hot question, and the blogosphere is a frenzy of activity. Everyone’s dying to know the answer. Well, it’s really quite simple. I ran headlong into a film that I had no interest in reviewing. I fell asleep on my first attempt at watching it. Then months later I tried again, and through sheer will and determination I made it all the way through. Only when it came time to write the review, I stared intently at a blank Word document. Inspiration did not come. I abandoned it. Guilty as charged your honour. ‘The Star Chamber’ made me do it.
Judge Steven Hardin (Michael Douglas, disinterested) is fed up with the legal system. A pair of men are on trial for the rape and murder of a young boy. The prosecution has an open and shut case, and all signs point to conviction. But the defence has an ace up their sleeve. During the investigation, the police had turned a blind eye to proper procedure, and when presented with the facts, certain pieces of key evidence are deemed inadmissible. Through gritted teeth Hardin throws the case out. In retaliation, the murdered boy’s father tries to shoot the defendants. When the father commits suicide in jail, Hardin’s had enough.
Hardin’s friend and mentor Judge Caulfied (Hal Holbrook, sleepwalking) approaches him and regales him with a fanciful tale of a “star chamber”. A secret, shadowy gathering of judges who re-try the cases that “fall through the cracks”. The cases that were failed by the justice system, such as that of the murdered boy. Although reluctant, Hardin presents his case and the verdict is unanimous. Guilty! Sentence? Death! Anonymously, a hitman is hired, with the job of informing the defendants with the revised verdict.
But wait, Detective Harry Lowes (Yaphet Kotto, wasted) informs Hardin that the defendants were actually innocent (of that particular crime), and there’s conclusive evidence that proves it. Despite Hardin’s pleas for clemency, the star chamber say “Eh, these things happen. The hitman’s on his way. They weren’t nice guys anyway.” This all leads to one of those generic empty warehouse finales where the hitman stalks the hero and your humble reviewer (Droid, bored) is thoroughly underwhelmed.
There is, ever so briefly, an interesting film here. The police’s investigative bungling, the machinations of the court, where justice isn’t (it seems) served. Hardin’s growing frustration with the legal system, and his struggles with his conscience keeping him up at night. He doesn’t like what the law has become, where guilty men can walk free on a technicality. These are interesting themes and the film sets up the situation well. But enter Holbrook’s Judge Caulfield and the whole film deflates into a tedious, slowly paced, poorly plotted generic thriller.
You can also see the Michael Douglas deflate before your eyes. During the opening scenes, you can tell he’s committed. He’s interested in the material and he’s got something to work with. But Holbrook shows up, pin in hand, and bursts the bubble. It’s a shame. The fault lies mainly with screenwriter Roderick Taylor (who dabbled with similar vigilante revenge fantasy drivel with ‘The Brave One’, with similar results) and director Peter Hyams. The usually reliable Hyam’s in particular seems to have been utterly uninspired by the material, and he’s made a slow, laborious slog of a film.
Because the film’s plot chooses to adhere to generic thriller requirements, the developments later in the story also undercut the interesting aspects of the opening twenty minutes. What’s the film trying to say? In the opening scenes, it’s lamenting the failing legal system. But as the film’s story plays out, the message is that vigilantism isn’t the answer. No, these are not mutually exclusive, but in the revelation that the defendants were in fact innocent, the strength of the opening argument is undercut. Ignoring the events that lead to the case’s dismissal, the simple fact is, justice was served. The men were innocent of the child’s murder. Whatever anger or frustration the film has managed to generate from the effective opening scenes is swept away in a flurry of genre conventions.
I’d really like to talk in detail about the actors’ performances, but they’re universally so forgettable that I cannot muster the words, or the inclination. I consider this to be a travesty when I take into account the fact that the film is populated with memorable actors such as Kotto, Holbrook and Douglas.
Even the look of the film is unattractively dull, with Hyams delivering a film of muted, slightly murky visuals. He paces the film like a man who must plod through six miles of knee deep mud to deliver bad news. I don’t know if a quicker pace, and more energy behind the camera, would have changed a lot, but at the very least it would have mercifully made the film shorter.
There’s not much more to say about ‘The Star Chamber’. It’s clearly not a film I would recommend to anyone but my worst enemy, and it’s a justifiably forgotten entry on the CV’s of all involved. I find ‘The Star Chamber’ guilty of a number of offences. The most serious of which is the heinous, indefensible waste of Yaphet Kotto. I hereby sentence it to spend an eternity gathering dust on the bottom shelf of the thriller section in an abandoned Blockbuster, before sometime in the future when the apes take over it is discovered and makes earth’s new overlords very, very bored.
I hereby unleash a very angry ape upon The Star Chamber.
For Droids a jolly good fellow!
2012 – ?
2011 – Captain America: The First Avenger
2010 – ?
2008 – The Midnight Meat Train
2004 – The Manchurian Candidate
1994 – Clear and Present Danger
1992 – Buffy The Vampire Slayer
1991 – 1989 – Mini-Reviews of Slacker, Young Guns II and Lock Up
1986 – Flight of the Navigator
1984 – The Philadelphia Experiment
1983 – The Star Chamber
1982 – ?
1981 – ?
1980 – ?
1979 – ?
1978 – ?
Hey. I actually liked the Star Chamber. But funny review.
And wish the garbage can happy birthday from me.
Cheers. Man this was a bastard to review.
Happy Birthday.
This sounds like poo, but that was very funny.
Thank ye. The movie is poo. It was even boring getting the bog standard screenshots, so as you can see, I chose to amuse myself.
I quite like doing captions. Never thought of speech bubbles before.
What you doing for 2010 and 2012?
PS- we are on for Saturday.
Good good.
I think Bourne or Total Recall for 2012. I’m not sure what comes out this week. Maybe neither of them do.
2010… I’ll have to look.
Total Recall is 29th August. Been pushed back.
This makes my 2012 Rec 3
Result.
I have that at home. Haven’t watched it yet.
Oh shit…
TED
Wednesday August 1st, 2012.
Fuck off.
oooh…
Sound of My Voice
Friday August 3rd, 2012.
Saved?
Goddamn it!
as opposed to TED
Think I’ll use US release dates. So I can avoid TED. I’ve used US release dates all along.
That gives you Total Recall, then, but it’s not out until almost September.
Oh, and:
http://www.imdb.com/list/voCA4OW3Suo/#lb-2
Silent Hill 2 trailer
YES!!!
Fucking result, having watched it, they are doing Silent Hill 3.
BRING IT ON!
That is fucking PERFECT casting. She looks exactly like Heather.
Getting really excited now
Sweet.
From what I can see- in terms of it being Silent Hill 3:
plot- spot on, using the major locations, and story beats of the game (which are scary)
Music- Spot on
Aesthetics- Spot on, she looks EXACTLY like Heather. I hope she gets a lightsabre.
Fucking hell. This could be superb, if they manage to avoid the exposition and make the game into a coherent film.
Looks like it could be good. Fingers crossed.
The girl bears an uncanny resemblance to Michelle Williams.
She does. She’d have been a great Heather, except she’s too old.
She’s an Aussie. Also, the guy who’s John McClanes kid in the new Die Hard is an Aussie. We’re taking over!
Hehehehehe
Does America produce actors any more?
Yeah, dweeby little man children like DiCap, Shia and Tobey.
Or weird potato head types like Maaaaaaat Daaaaaaamon
Yeah too right.
Is that the douche from GoT?
Who? The boyfriend? Yes
Yeah, him. Not Bean. I like Bean.
There’s a lot I want to see from 23rd August on:
Rec 3, Total Recall (29th), Dredd (7th Sept), Beasts of the Southern Wild (19th Oct), Skyfall (26th Oct), Silent Hill 2(31st Oct), Sightseers (3oth Nov).
You forgot Resident Evil: Retribution (September 14th)
There are quite a few I’m interested in seeing after that date.
Lawless (August 29th)
The Master (September 14th)
Taken 2 (October 5th)
Argo (October 12th)
Killing Them Softly (October 19th)
Beasts of the Southern Wild (October 19th)
Cloud Atlas (October 26th)
Silent Hill 2 (October 26th)
Skyfall (October 26th)
Flight (November 2nd)
The Man with the Iron Fists (November 2nd)
Seven Psychopaths (November 2nd)
Lincoln (November 9th)
Sightseers (November 30th)
Les Mis (December 14th)
Zero Dark Thirty (December 19th)
Jack Reacher (December 21st)
The Impossible (December 21st)
Django Unchained (December 25th)
The Great Gatsby (December 25th)
Apropos of nothing, but Channing Tatum’s having a good year.
Haywire… Budget: $23m. BO: $31m
The Vow… Budget: $30m. BO: $194m
21 Jump Street… Budget: $42m. BO: $198m
Magic Mike… Budget: $7m. BO: $108m (and counting)
Only saw Jump St, but he was pretty good in that.
Wow. He’s having a blinder.
Lawless (August 29th) Maybe
The Master (September 14th) No
Taken 2 (October 5th)No
Argo (October 12th)Maybe
Killing Them Softly (October 19th)Maybe
Beasts of the Southern Wild (October 19th) Yes
Cloud Atlas (October 26th)Yes
Silent Hill 2 (October 26th)Yes
Skyfall (October 26th)Yes
Flight (November 2nd)Maybe
The Man with the Iron Fists (November 2nd)Yes
Seven Psychopaths (November 2nd) Yes
Lincoln (November 9th)No
Sightseers (November 30th)Yes
Les Mis (December 14th) Fuck no
Zero Dark Thirty (December 19th)No
Jack Reacher (December 21st)Maybe
The Impossible (December 21st)Maybe
Django Unchained (December 25th)Fuck no
The Great Gatsby (December 25th)Fuck no
I thought Argo would be a Yes.
I go back and forth on it.
Beast is here right now, but it’s at an AMC and I don’t feel like giving China any more of my money.
So what idiotic thing that I don’t really need can I buy today?
Here you go:
http://www.drinkstuff.com/products/product.asp?ID=4256
HA! Maybe something a little less expensive. That would go well in the living room though.
I’m surprised you don’t have one of these on your property in spain.
http://www.drinkstuff.com/products/product.asp?ID=7284&catID=100&name=The+Firkin+Inflatable+Pub
No, it’s a Firkin.
They suck.
What’s a Firkin?
Pub chain. They suck.
You know what you really want:
http://www.drinkstuff.com/products/product.asp?ID=5255&catID=19&name=Guinness+Mini+Fridge+250th+Anniversary+Edition
You’ve already got the bean bag, Telly and PS3.
Mrs. Droid would never see you again.
hehehe
I do need one of those.
I got told to fuck off when I asked the missus.
Wasn’t a huge surprise.
How about one of these?
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Philips-25-Perfect-Draft-dispenser/dp/B004GCK1IE/ref=pd_sim_sbs_kh_1
The problem is the kegs. They’re not value for money.
http://www.perfectbeers.com/
There’s a thing you can buy that converts cans into draught. Can’t remember what it’s called though.
You NEED this:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Original-Three-Adult-T-Shirt-XX-Large/dp/B002DGHTVM/ref=sr_1_27?ie=UTF8&qid=1343906801&sr=8-27
Read the reviews. Hilarious.
The top review is funny.
Instead of beer or wolf related merch, I went for a good ol’ trusty 5 for 30 bluray splurge at HMV.
Memento, The Thing, Bad Lieutenant: POCNO, Eternal Sunshine and Taken.
Just add beer and bean bag.
It’s good isn’t it. There’s loads of great product reviews in Amazon. Bic Biros, Veet for Men, a tank of some description, that t-shirt, and a gallon of milk all have hilarious ones.
http://www.drinkstuff.com/products/product.asp?ID=7162&catID=528&name=Floating+Spa+Bar&recursive=true
So you can have beer in the bathroom. Essential.
Yes! I’d replace that fruit with something a lot more steaklike though!
I remember when it came out, and thats it, really. Sounds like a generic 70’s holdover film that even tne cast has little time for. Holbrook, Kirk jr. And Katto should all work.
Wasting Katto is a cardinal sin.
Even if the film were good, I’d give it the angry ape just for wasting Yaphet Kotto. You just don’t do that!
Angry Ape!
Very funny. I didn’t like ‘Star Chamber’ either – interminably dull. Probably really good on paper, then poorly realised.
Happy Birthday, R2.
The only reason to see that movie is to see the train wreck that it has to be. I mean Cruise, really? Tommy boy is like 5’4″ I don’t particularly care for the series but man even I know this is a big mistake and a huge load of jizz directed right on the face of the fans of the series. Casting Cruise is saying fuck you fans give us your money you assholes we can do whatever we want and as long as the words Jack Reacher is there you will bend over and take it hard.
Never heard of Reacher til your book review Xiphos……so who Should play him? Marky Mark? Russell Crowe? Novak Djokovic?
Crowe maybe a decade ago might have worked. Marky Mark is barely taller then Cruise and generally blows as a lead but kicks ass a supporting actor. Not sure who the Eastern Euro is.
There are a couple of actors who physically are in the ball park but I don’t know their names or if they are decent actors. My choice is a kid called Joe Manganiello. Even though he is kinda youngish for the part and way to Eytie looking he is 6’5″ about 230 or so. If they bulk him up a bit he’s just about a carbon copy of Reacher body wise which is a major part of the Reacher story. More importantly he’s a half way decent actor.
Oh okay. Big Dolf Lundgren type then. Djokovic won the US Open last year, Serbian tennis ace.
yeah that’s kinda right. Dolph was a bit on the lean side but height wise he was decent.