Made In Britain: Gnomeo and Juliet

If there’s one thing I hate, then it’s the Welsh. However, if there are a few other things that I really detest then they are Elton John and Garden Gnomes. Both represent individually the naffest and most embarrassing output of the United Kingdom and I do wish both of them would fuck off back to the 70’s where they belong. Seriously, is there anything more crap in the known universe than a little ceramic cunt spoiling an otherwise lovely lawn? Or the sound of Elton John murdering some nauseating power ballad to a woman that he didn’t know, or even worse, rewriting it for the People’s Princess (excuse  me while I go and vomit somewhere)? Actually, in fairness, and I suppose I should be fair, there is a practical use to the humble garden gnome: it’s that the presence of one in a garden is a cast-iron signifier that a complete and utter cunt lives in the house. Or alternatively a pensioner. One of the two, anyway. So, this does beg the question, what in the name of Lucifer’s bunghole was I doing watching a film produced by Elton John and his husband retelling Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet with garden gnomes?

Well, I did need to do an animation for this series, and this was a relatively high-profile release last year. However, in all honesty, I had completely forgotten that Elton John did this. Which was a heinous mistake. What I do find a bit weird though, is that this, not to call a spade a bloody shovel, sack of shite attracted a frankly ludicrous cast composing of James McAvoy, Emily Blunt, The Stath, Michael Caine, Patrick Stewart, Steven Merchant, Ashley Jensen, Maggie Smith, Hulk Hogan (not joking) and others in what must be the most tiresome, unimaginative, derivative retelling of Romeo and Juliet ever put on the screen. Honestly, this idea is so facile that I bet it came after a massive drugs session and Elton and David Furnish sat there vegging out to Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo and Juliet when one of them stumbled over his name. Next thing you know, you’ve got box-office gold. Honest.

Garden Gnomes fucking suck.

Right, this is how it works. Gnomeo is the son of the queen of the blue garden. He’s a bit of a lad, and indulges in drag racing with Tybalt, of the Red Garden. They’re at war (for no reason anyone ever bothered specifying), and basically are trained from birth to hate each other. Gnomeo meets Juliet when on a late night raid, and the pair of them fall head over heels in love. Tybalt is smashed in an accident, and everyone believes Gnomeo to be dead, except he isn’t. Through a hi-fucking-larious series of mishaps, he’s sitting on Shakespeare’s head in the park. Juliet is glued to her pedestal as punishment for rubbing ceramics with an obvious cunt. So the blue garden declare war,  and Gnomeo returns to save the fucking day. Everyone learns something, except me. I, instead, have it confirmed to me that Elton John is an utter cunt, and Garden gnomes are an affront to the lord. I already knew this.

Garden ornaments in general fucking suck, actually.

So, what to say, what to say…. Well, the voice cast are all clearly adept. McAvoy is (for a fucking change) smugger than a dog that’s just discovered that he can lick his own testicles, but that’s to be expected. Emily Blunt is much, much better than McAvoy, and the rest of the voice cast are basically all OK. Except the Stath, who is absolute fucking GENIUS! This is the second most inappropriate casting of the Stath in a film ever, just after In the Name of the King. The first time I heard Tybalt speak, I couldn’t work out what sounded out of place, then after I heard it a few more times the penny dropped and I howled with laughter- some dickhead had been stupid enough to cast Jason Fucking Statham as the voice of a “Badass” Garden Gnome! That’s awesome, in a very terrible way.

Even dressed as Ninjas, garden gnomes fucking suck

The animation? Meh. Who gives a fuck. It’s passable CGI and that’s about it. The soundtrack on the other hand is diabolical. It’s a perpetual sample of Your Song (Which must be the most overplayed Elton John track out there since that dogshit Moulin Rouge bought it back to everyone’s attention). This is so, so annoying, and made me want to go and slam the old douche’s piano lid on his fucking fingers. Christ, I can’t wait for this track to piss off back to obscurity, and it can take fucking Journey with it. Frankly. Oh, and Coldplay too, but that’s on general principle.

That's the expression I had on my face for most of this film.

The writing, on the other hand, is lazy and crap. There are no set rules to the gnomes- on one hand they can hop around all over the place, but (stealing a device from Toy Story) every time a human is near by they become rooted to the spot. Except it isn’t consistent- and sometimes they can move, other times they can’t. Pah, annoying. I accept that I’m far, far too old for this, but really, fuckheads, do understand that adults will have to watch this with their spawn, and a little bit of effort goes a long fucking way. Think Pixar. This isn’t the only example of laziness in the film, there’s also the fact that the supermower of doom gets delivered about 2 seconds after the gnome orders it, and the annoying flamingo cunt can find Gnomeo in no time, even though he’s apparently been traipsed halfway across the city.

By dressing a gnome as Elton John, you raise the power of suck to 1 million. So don't fucking do it.

Most of the characterisation is OK, about from the annoying pink Flamingo thing Featherstone (Jim Cummings) who is so, so fucking annoying that I can see why his owner left him in the fucking shed in the first place. Honestly, he has a Fawlty Towers “Spanish” accent, and just exists to wind me the fuck up. Which he did. Very fucking successfully too. Luminous pink cunt of a bird.

Lawnmower racing is awesome. The film's still shit.

Basically, at the end of the day, this is not for me. I’m far too old and I have functioning taste so can recognise that Elton John is fucking terrible. Furthermore, I require a bit of effort to be put in to characterisation, writing, and so forth rather than the written on the back of a beer mat effort that this film is. Were it funny enough, then I could probably get over it, but the whole damned film is squarely aimed at 9 year olds. And I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that it’s borderline retarded nine year olds at that. The problem is that the whole film is aimed squarely at the “cute” market, and as such nobody bothered with the bare minimum of plotting that any sentient being requires. It just bumbles along from a to b to c with little thought as to why these events are occurring. This is not fucking good enough. Gnomeo and Juliet is, in fact, shit.

Were it not for the Stath’s hilariously out of place turn, then I’d be orangutan of dooming this, but the man is so god damned funny that I’d be a real bastard to do that.

Until next time,

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

32 responses to “Made In Britain: Gnomeo and Juliet”

  1. Jarv says :

    Just in case there’s any doubt on this, I fucking hate Garden Gnomes.

    And Elton John.

  2. ThereWolf says :

    I too hate garden gnomes and Elton John.

    The pic of Elton Gnome has really angered me.

    Catchphrase: ‘Luminous pink cunt of a bird’. That’s not something you’d hear David Attenborough say about flamingos on his TV wildlife programme.

    Nice one, Jarv… but no matter how hard this review tries, I’m still NOT adding Gnomeo to the lovefilm list.

  3. koutchboom says :

    I was surprised how I didn’t really like this. It was a let down for me because I like garden gnomes and retakes on Shakespeare stuff. Elton John is ok when he’s making his shit poppy and fun like here. But I think it was the humor of the story that was weak. I thought the animation though was a high point it’s really well done. I think the voice casting wasn’t that great, can’t cast two super bland human leads as their voices only and expect anything good from them, maybe in some more dramatic movie but not something that should’ve been a lot more wackier. The 3D of this was really odd, it created this weird tunnel vision like look to the film. I think had I been high I probably would’ve loved it, but I wasn’t, wasn’t even drinking the night I saw it. In the end the movie is just sort of there, an odd fucking idea had they gone further with it I think it could’ve been this odd weird kids film, but they played it too straight so it’s stuck in this middling ground of nothingness.

  4. Just Pillow Talk says :

    Despite your sorcerous ways, I will stand firm and refuse to watch this too. Wolfie is right, you almost had us!

  5. tombando says :

    Giant robots are needed. I like Elton John well enough, this however looks rather feh and prob. Just works only for the intended audience of 9 yr olds.

  6. ThereWolf says :

    I thought the use of ‘Your Song’ in Moulin Rouge was quite effective.

    But reworking ‘Candle In The Wind’ for Diana was horrific.

    I mean it’s Elton John! He could’ve written something new! Every day is another song for Elton. ‘Candle’ was for Norma Jean – reworking it to fit somebody else is like pissing on her grave. Then doing a big poo as well for good measure.

  7. Xiphos0311 says :

    The version of Don’t let the sun go down on me by George Micheal is damn good. Don’t know what that has to do with anything just thought I would mention it.

  8. Droid says :

    Um… Do the gnomes die at the end? Because that’s the only conceivable happy ending for this dogshit.

  9. Droid says :

    Elton actually wanted to make Romeo and Juliet, but he had a throatful of his hubby’s cock when he suggested it and it sounded like Gnomeo.

  10. MORBIUS says :

    If you’re ever tempted to review another

    annoying English cunt in Animation …

    might I suggest Russel Brand in HOP?

  11. Toadkillerdog says :

    The seven year old wanted to see this, so we went. She thought it was ok, I thought it was crap.
    I got out of Lorax duty this week, but as a result, I am stuck with doing Mirror Mirror. Oh joy

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