Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 6 (6)- X Men: First Class

I think this film blows. Droid in his infinite wisdom also thinks this film blows. Yet, inexplicably, there seems to be consensus out there that this film does not, in fact, blow. Well, even in a minority as small as the one I find myself in, the truth is still the truth. I have now come to the conclusion that it must be flat-out impossible to make an X-Men film that could ever be described as actually good. The whole series is one sprawling morass of boredom and lameness with the occasional moment of quality that stands out from the otherwise never-ending stream of sleep-inducing tripe that otherwise parades across the screen in these movies. I’m going to go out on a limb here, and say that this may possibly be the worst X-Men film out there, and it’s all James McAvoy’s fault. Well, that’s a bit harsh, mostly his fault, because the writing makes it worse. Anyway, that’s enough rambling from me, let’s see how JPT gets on With X-Men: First Class.

X-Men: First Class (2011)

“Hooray” shouts the crowd as they gather around for another review of the beloved X-men.

This time around they decide to go back to the beginning with the formation of the X-men and the world’s first glimpse at mutant kind. We start off with introduction to our two main characters as kids: Erik (Magneto) in the same damn footage from the first X-men movie with his mom being taken away from him and he exerts his powers for the first time before being knocked out. The scene continues with the introduction of Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon) who witnesses those events unfold. Turns out Shaw knows what Erik is and wants him to use his talents, with a little motivational help, namely threatening to kill his mom in front of him. Erik tries his hardest but mom gets a bullet in her head for her troubles. Erik uses that anger to crush some German soldiers’ helmets and rearrange various cabinets.

A parade of douches.

Cut to New York where Charles Xavier stumbles across Mystique trying to steal some food from their home. They discover each other’s powers and before you know it, Charles is telling Mystique she never has to worry about going hungry again.

Jump ahead twenty years and we have Xavier (James McAvoy) still being uninteresting and basically treating Mystique (Jennifer Lawrence) like a child. At least with Magneto (Michael Fassbender) we have something. He’s none to happy with Shaw and has plans to off him, trying to track down where his present whereabouts are. Eventually Xavier and Magneto cross paths and end up joining forces to stop Shaw, albeit for different reasons, and end up working for the CIA. Here we meet the Beast and through their recruitment process, meet Banshee, Havok, and a couple other worthless mutants. This all leads to the final battle where they stop Shaw’s plans of starting a nuclear war, thereby guaranteeing mutant dominance of the world, and Magneto and Xavier go their separate ways.

I always know it's a bad film when he stuffs the review full of pictures of scantily clad women

Fuck the rest of the synopsis, here’s what works with the movie: everything with Magneto and Shaw. Fassbender and Bacon are both good in their roles, and automatically elevate every scene they are in. The first scene we are introduced to Bacon in, we immediately see he means business by offing Magneto’s mom. He seems to relish his role as Shaw, and it also helps that his mutant power is sort of cool (absorbing power and then unleashing it on poor saps). Fassbender, unlike the old man, plays Magneto like someone on a mission and someone not to be fucked with. His control over his powers grows during the course of the movie and by the end, he’s pretty much top dog of the mutant world.

Showing off his helmet

And then there’s everyone else. James McAvoy plays Xavier like a giant prick and I wish he died. Why the fuck does any mutant follow this asshole? He treats Mystique badly, doesn’t treat her like a person, and she sticks around for as long as she does? I realize her confidence is just not there yet, hence the reason why she goes with Magneto, but c’mon. Xavier is a worthless douche. Jennifer Lawrence doesn’t really register one way or another as Mystique. Nicholas Hoult as the Beast is passable, that’s pretty much all I got with him. January Jones is attractive as Emma Frost. The rest of the bit players don’t add anything to the film. However, I will call utter bullshit on “Angel”, which they decide to make a chick. Who spits fire. What.The.Fuck. Are you kidding me? You couldn’t make Angel, um, like Angel from the fucking funny books??? Is it that fucking hard? Stupid. And the effects with her flying are pretty shit to boot.

This is Angel. Although, trying to find a picture, I have to correct him and point out that Angel Salvadore is actually an X-Men character, although a very minor one.

Overall the effects are okay and are leaps ahead of the first few X-men movies. I think a few of the scenes are handled very effectively: Magneto in Argentina eliminating some associates of Shaw’s, the attack on the CIA (and X-babies), and particularly Magneto’s resolution with Shaw. Oh, and when Wolverine tells Magneto and Xavier to “fuck off” when they try and recruit him, which was rather amusing. I”ll give this movie 1.5 slices of bacon out of 4 based on the performances of Fassbender and Bacon. I’ve changed my mind and if those two were involved in a Magneto: Origins movie it would have been eons better than this. I do like the setting of the movie taking place in the 60’s vs. present day. The problem with these movies is that they haven’t made a really good, fun X-men movie yet. If they did this one properly it sets up everything else. You can have the original X-men movie, have that group stay for several films before welcoming into the fold the “new” X-men and go from there. But no, let’s just ignore the Iceman being part of the original team, or Jean Grey, or change Angel to a fire spitting chick. Nice.

Pillow out

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

10 responses to “Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 6 (6)- X Men: First Class”

  1. tombando says :

    Needed Sentinels. Especially the second half. I wanted to like this but it bored me silly, plus Beast was awful, Jones is a bad actress here and Bacon, while having fun looked goofy in his helmet.

  2. ThereWolf says :

    A couple of lads at work said ‘X-Class’ was okay, nothing special. I thought the trailer looked reasonably promising – as does that bird in a bra (Ms Jones, I presume?)

    I do want to watch it but, as with many of the newer movies now, I’m not in any hurry to do so. I’m kind of interested because I thought the best bit of ‘X-Men’ was the WW2 beginning, I wanted to know more about that story rather than what actually played out.

    Nice one, Pillow.

    • Jarv says :

      It’s garbage Wolf. Seriously, he’s understating (and he’s been pretty fucking rude) how annoying and obnoxious McAvoy is. Every time he’s on screen the film dies on its arse.

  3. Droid says :

    Shit film. We’ve talked this to death though.

    Good review, total bastard.

  4. Toadkillerdog says :

    Good job Pillows, made me laugh!
    I really, really enjoyed the first half of this flick. I loved the early sixties setting and the vibe. I loved that a director and studio would go that route on a major superhero movie. in short i loved the fact that they took such a chance.
    What i did not love was the second half. Fassbender was excellent, McAvoy was ok, but i never saw Xavier in him. Once the x babies started to get recruited and got face time, the movie started to drag and lurch and had an only semi satisfying conclusion and the shooting of Xavier and Mystiques conversion was just garbage.

    Still the goodwill the first act built up compels me to give this a 2.4 out of 5 toadkiller gawdamns

  5. thejacksack says :

    Agree with the Church on this one- I fell asleep watching it- twice. The girl who plays Mystique is attractive in an Amanda Bynes sort of way (with a lot less bimbo to masturbate through towards imagining an intelligent conversation). Overall, the movie fails to provide any fun. I felt like I walked into a room where someone just farted. And that room had a funeral taking place.

  6. Col. Tigh-Fighter says :

    Dont care! I loved it, and most of the other X-Mens too. Didnt like Ratners messy one, but otherwise, yet to be an X Man film I didnt enjoy on some level.

    And yes, that includes Wolverine!

    PS. New trailer for Resident Evil looks aces! 😀

  7. bastardpillow says :

    Wolvie was the best one.

  8. Hunter says :

    I wouldn’t say that this movie was excellent but I was actually able to put my knowledge of the comic origin aside long enough to enjoy it. I just watched X-Men First Class in the Cinemax section of DISHOnline.com, my favorite streaming site. Aside from your bro love for Fassbender and Bacon I don’t understand your hatred for the film. If anything Kevin was more Ham then Bacon, he was chewing on the scenery the entire movie. The rest of the actors/actresses did a pretty good job. The special effects were good and the action was solid. I have a coworker at DISH who is a life long Marvel fan like my self. We both agree that the original origin of the X-men was better, but that doesn’t make this a bad movie. Has your rating system always consisted of bacon or is this just more crushing on Kevin?

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      I was really indifferent to the other actors, they don’t register one way or another. I thought the effects with this Angel were rather poor, but the rest of the effects were much better than the other X movies. I hated McAvoy’s performance and the Xavier character. I was cheering for Mystique to leave his sorry ass since clearly he doesn’t care about her as a person.

      Bacon was good as Shaw, just like a villian should be in one of these movies.

      Regarding the rating, it changes from review to review, usually trying to incorporate something related to the movie.

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