Video Game Adaptations: Mortal Kombat Annihilation

I’m honestly thinking about binning this fucking series. I’m not joking about this, but there’s only so much of this endless drivel that I can sit through, and I like to keep my garbage films safely ensconced in The Vault where they belong. Also, and this is important, let’s not forget that although the hit rate in the vault may be about 10-1, that 1 movie invariably turns out to be an absolute fucking humdinger, something so hugely and stupidly entertaining that it gives me strength to make it through the 9 pieces of garbage in between. In the case of this inordinately stupid Video Game Adaptation series almost all of them are utter crap, to the extent that I’ve even been making up alternative ratings to avoid giving every other film an Orangutan of Doom. Seriously, when the best film in this series has been the utterly meh Silent Hill, and I’ve given suspiciously overrated passes to things like Tekken, then you know that this is the antithesis of Charlie Sheen: it’s just FULL OF FAIL. Moreover, and this cannot come as much of a shock, I struggle to think of one film that embodies absolute failure as much as Mortal Kombat Annihilation.

I just wish this was a publicity still. It isn't. Mortal Kombat Annihilation does look like this.

Given that the first film was, and let me be absolutely honest about this because I will brook no more of this revisionism about it, diabolically fucking awful, it represents an achievement of sorts that this sequel is even worse. This is genuinely one of the worst, most inept, most boring and annoying films ever made. Seriously, and bear in mind who’s saying this: it’s the cretin that has sat through such gems such as Porn Shoot Massacre, New Year’s Eve and countless Shameless movies. Mortal Kombat Annihilation is incomprehensibly,  mindblowingly wretched, a cancerous blight on the less-than-stellar record of video game adaptations, and such a woeful effort that it actually makes me feel more kindly towards some of Uwe Boll’s efforts. I’m not joking about that, by the way, and I’m now thinking of going back and Lucasing my rating for In the Name of the KIng because at least that film had FLAMING ORC CATAPULTS in it.

Cage (the one on the end) is whispering: "When do we get the FLAMING ORC CATAPULTS?"

There are no catapults here, and certainly none either on fire or with orcs. There is, instead, boredom and irritation. I wish there were some FLAMING ORC CATAPULTS, because while it would make no sense whatsoever for them to be in the film, I don’t think that matters because nothing in this rancid load of festering and congealing monkey vomit makes sense. There are, I note, 6 writers credited with this mess (I thought one was Drew McWeeny of AICN infamy, but IMDB tells me that isn’t true) and although I do absolve Boon and Tobias from blame (they were merely responsible for the game), you can see how that many cooks produced such an epic clusterfuck in the kitchen.

Raiden tries to summon some FLAMING ORC CATAPULTS.

Anyway, the four writers took turns smearing Lurpak on the script (think about it), and produced this story: it’s immediately after the end of the first film. Raiden has turned into a confused James Remar, while Sonja has turned into someone called Sandra Hess. She does have large norks, it has to be said, but they remain resolutely covered for the whole film. Anyhow, those 2 and Liu Kang (still Robin Shou, but he honestly couldn’t give less of a fuck) are facing off against Shao Khan and his unconvincing generals (more on these dipshits in a moment). I bet you’re wondering what happened to Cage? Well, so was I, because I went to fetch a beer and couldn’t be arsed pausing it. I did notice that he had disappeared, so rewound out of curiousity, and I can confirm that he was there. Khan just killed him in the first 2 minutes. Way to go, wankers, you’ve killed your sole likeable character at the start. What, couldn’t you afford Ashby’s lunch to get him to continue?

This woman's expression is the result of an invisible midget slipping his pinkie finger into Sindel's bum.

Khan has a terribly evil plan. He’s going to draw our fighters into Outworld to have another Mortal Kombat. To this end, he comes up with a ridiculously convoluted plan involving Kitana (Talisa Soto, filling out leather nicely) making up with her dead mother Sindel (Musetta Vander). Except it’s all a dirty trap, Kitana is kidnapped by Scorpion, Liu Kang goes on some kind of training montage with Nightwolf, who, because there’s no cliché un-bumraped in this film, has to find Liu because he’s all mystic and shit and Liu can’t find him. There’s something to do with Liu being able to turn into a dragon or some nonsense. Raiden turns into Billy Idol, which strips him of his powers and makes him mortal, and Sonya goes out to find comedy negro Jaxx to make him come and fight or some such utter bollocks. Sub Zero turns up to fight some other ninja, except it’s not really Sub Zero, it’s his brother. He then fucks off and isn’t heard of again. Basically, to cut a long story short, because I’ll be here all fucking day trying to make this coherent, and I’ll still fail, which will piss me off, our heroes wander around from point A to point B before a big showdown where they win. Fucking blah, blah, blah.

He's this chuffed because, being a centaur, he can say with all honesty that he is indeed hung like a horse. This is an entirely surreal state of affairs for a cunt.

To be honest, I haven’t really tried very hard with that plot description. This is for two reasons. Firstly, I don’t want to, but secondly, and more importantly, this is what can best be described as a kitchen sink film. They’ve got a checklist of characters and moves in the game that they believe have to appear and then the writers threw fucking everything, including the whole kitchen sink, at it to shoe horn them into the script no matter what the cost. I can almost see them sitting in a smoky room writing scenes individually then getting up to tick a feature such as “Jaxx uses his metal arms to pummel a centaur, but then gets them stripped off because he needs to believe in himself” off the wall chart. There’s no thought put in to how each scene links together and just basically it doesn’t make any sense at all. “Bollocks to cohesion” says writer 1, I’ve just got some cyborg cunt with explosive balls into the film”, well, says writer 2, “You think that’s good? I’ve managed to get Jade, some native American cunt that looks a bit like Mark Dacascos (incidentally, he’s awesome and Brotherhood of the Wolf is really good, and features Monica Belucci’s tits. Go and watch that instead) AND Liu Kang turning into a dragon in. I AM THE FUCKING GREATEST”.

Fuck knows who this cunt is, but he ain't got no alibi. Actually, I was only joking, I do know. He's Baraka, and is a prime example of what I mean about characters pointlessly turning up and fucking off again.

The whole film can be summarised as Group of characters 1 traipses to unconvincing empty set 1. But what’s that you say? It isn’t empty? That’s a whole horde of ninjas and one of Khan’s generals? They’d better fight! Huzz-fucking-not. It’s honestly not an exaggeration and not one damned thing in the movie either makes sense or holds the interest, and it’s all down to that massive fucking shiteberry that’s masquerading as the script. Honestly, compared to the crayola scrawl here, the shitty fucking script to the first film looks like a masterpiece of writing up there with Charlie Kaufmann’s best.

If one picture ever summed a film up this one is it. Look at Remar's face, he's literally saying "what the fuck am I doing here"

Half the problem with it, aside from that it’s incoherent arsegravy, is that we don’t give a fuck about the characters. Even the hackneyed and cursory development from the first film is better than the total lack of effort put in here. Do we give a fuck that Sindel is Kitana’s mother and an undead menstrual nightmare? No, because the scene is literally this:

“Mommy! You were dead!”

“No Daughter, your mother is not dead, I am your mother and incidentally I am Inigo Montoya, prepare to fight. Possibly after you turn to the dark side and search your feelings you know this to be true”.

“Oh mother, you’re such a fucking card”

“No, actually let us not fight, instead I shall run away with Jade, and remember that prophecy that every cunt was talking about? Well, if I were you I’d forget about it, because you have an empty set to go to and some cosplay ninjas to fight!”

Appropriately enough for the film, the chosen method of public transport in Outworld is Giant Balls- and not like the Tube they mean it literally: you ride Giant Balls that never go where you want them to, because if they stop off early then you can see more cosplay ninjas.

As a direct result, much like with the first film, against this garbage the actors are fucked. It would help if some of them, such as Shou, gave a toss, but on the whole they don’t. Khan is played by Brian Thompson, who can and does frequently do a good villain, but he clearly can’t be arsed either. His generals, Sheeva (Goro mark 2 with boobs) played by Marjean Holden, Montaro (more on this cunt when I come on to special effects), played by Deron McBee, hiss and bellow and whatnot, but in all honesty I’ve seen more intimidating Care Bears. There’s never any doubt that our heroes will be able to beat this pathetic lot into a pulp, even if Liu Kang has to turn into a dragon or something stupid to do it.

Khan's generals in, for want of a better expression, their full glory.

Talking about Montaro, I will say this once, and once only:

IF YOU CANNOT AFFORD THE CGI TO HAVE , OR LACK THE TALENT TO DO IT PROPERLY, A CONVINCING CENTAUR IN THE FILM THEN DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES PUT ONE IN.

Got that?

Right, where was I. Oh, yes, special effects and centaurs. This is actually inexcusably bad, and not in an entertaining way. I’m seriously not joking here, but it looks like it’s not finished: you can see fucking clipping errors where the horse’s body doesn’t move in time with the actor, and worse than that it looks fucking pixellated in places. This, sadly, is pretty typical of the effects in the film, and I genuinely missed Wallace and Goro from the first effort. Particularly when looking at Sheeva with 3 clear inches of space between her body and the two extra arms. Mother of fuck, this is awful.

Three actors and the total of not one fuck given.

Ordinarily, I’d blame the director for this mess, but he’s actually quite a good DP, who only has two film credits to his name, and this was his first. Given this utterly awful script, and clear lack of budget, it’s unreasonable to expect first-time director John R. Leonetti to turn in anything other than a disaster. I do note, however, that he’s pretty much abandoned directing and his work can be recently spotted on Piranha 3D (and Insidious, which we won’t talk about).

"Daaaaamn. Heeeellllll, this is whack"

Finally, because I’m at the end of my tether, there’s the music. One of the worst features of the first abortion was the hideous soundtrack that sounds like it took someone 10 minutes with a Casio keyboard and a laptop. Surely, were you to make a sequel, then you’d get rid of this sub-techno abomination? Nope, not these tossers, instead some bright spark decided to place it front and centre, but (yay!) turned it fucking up to 11. That’s going to be great and not in the least bit annoying.

Hang on a fucking second- that's clearly not Robin Shou.

Overall, this is one I don’t recommend, because there is not one redeeming feature, and I can’t find a single excuse not to give it the Orangutan of Doom. Hilariously, the strapline on the poster is “destroy all expectations”, well, I’m here to argue that even if you do that, and utterly nuke any expectation you may have, the film will still suck a fat cock. I’ve had enough of this: vent your anger monkey!

Mortal Kombat Annihilation has been so bad that it may be a series killer. That’s right, I may not do another one of these…

Aside from Super Mario Brothers.

Until then,

Jarv.

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

39 responses to “Video Game Adaptations: Mortal Kombat Annihilation”

  1. tombando says :

    Awful. Funny review though.

  2. Droid says :

    hehe

    The only thing I remember about this is that it was fucking awful and was somehow able to be worse than the first one.

    You should review the MK web series. It’s on youtube I think. I’ve only seen the first one, but it’s more Chris Fucking Klein Streetfighter, than this scifi junk.

    Also, you can’t abandon the series. Silent Hill 2 comes out soon.

    • Jarv says :

      I had forgotten about that, and it’s directed by Solomon Kane guy.

      This is a hideous, painful, awful film- honestly it is one of the worst ever made and may well be the worst I’ve reviewed since Demon Cop.

      This is almost a perfect example of how not to make a film.

      • Droid says :

        SH2 looks like it’s coming out towards the end of the year. I’m quite interested. I hope it’s good as I like Bassett and feel Kane should’ve got treated a lot better.

      • Droid says :

        Also, after seeing them both again at home, Kane edges Centurion. I think I had it the other way around after first viewing.

      • Jarv says :

        Agree with all of that, I think the ropy demon CGI at the end of Kane is its only real flaw. Not to mention that it isn’t needed.

        West gives the best performance in either film, but Purefoy is bang on song as Kane. Also, he really wants to do a sequel, and has even named what story he wants adapting.

      • Jarv says :

        Mind you, I liked Gans and his Silent Hill was OK at best.

      • Droid says :

        Sure, but that’s because it felt chopped to shit. It’s visually spectacular, but surely a bunch of the film has ended up on the cutting room floor.

      • Jarv says :

        There is supposed to be a 3.5hr cut out there that I’d like to see for curiosity value. Bet it handles the exposition (the film’s biggest problem, for me) really well.

      • Jarv says :

        I still think the way to fix that would have been to remove the entire Bean sub-plot. That would have saved an hour of run-time and you could have allowed the story to unfold without the exposition.

      • Droid says :

        The demon really wasn’t that bad. It’s not great, but it works well enough IMO.

        West does give the best performance, but I was surprised by how little he’s in Centurion. I thought his role was larger for some reason. Purefoy was excellent. And Fass was good in Centurion too. Can’t really complain too much about either film. I like them both quite a lot. Just Kane doesn’t have the third act issues that Centurion had for me.

      • Jarv says :

        I think the other thing is that Kane is clearly an origin story- which automatically makes me favour centurion.

        This is a silly piece of hair splitting, they’re both easy 3 out of 4 movies.

  3. Jarv says :

    I was inordinately pleased with both the pictures and some of the captions. Although a few of them border on “seriously wrong”.

  4. Echo the Bunnyman says :

    Wow…I love how there’s nothing sensible to grasp onto for you to properly review. Everything is so unequivocably crap. Im surprised you were able to do it. My mind would have folded.

    This is quite possibly one of the worst movies ever made, particularly from a technical competency level.

    I think you should do Mario Bros and get out. There’s still Double Dragon, Street Fighter 1, Postal, Seed, Name of the King 2, Hitman, Advent Children, and Im sure one could make the case for Blubberella, as its apparently just Bloodrayne again-same plot-with a fat chick.

    • Jarv says :

      Cheers- it was a cunt to review, because it’s just so incoherent and every single bit of it is just so obviously awful.

      I’d blocked out some of the shit on the birthday list, but it’s up there with Xanadu, Dirty Dancing and a few others as being virtually unwatchable.

  5. Echo the Bunnyman says :

    oh, and Far Cry–*shudder*.

    • Jarv says :

      I honestly think I’m going to make Super Mario Brothers the last hurrah for it. It’s such an epic, epic clusterfuck, but at least there are amusements to be had. Although Droid has helpfully reminded me of Silent Hill 2, which I actually do want to see.

  6. koutchboom says :

    Solid soundtrack this film had.

  7. Toadkillerdog says :

    Jarv,
    the captions are hilarious!
    You could not pay me to watch this though

  8. ThereWolf says :

    That review is a fucking scream. I actually want to watch the thing now, even though you’re at pains to keep everyone away! Superb.

    ‘Chuffed’ centaur – what is that all about? Look at his fucking face! And the James Remar pic – brilliant. How did Remar end up in this bollocks?

    Giant Balls FTW!

  9. Spud McSpud says :

    You think that’s bad, Jarv? I watched both of these shitfests ON THE FUCKING BIG SCREEN.

    In fairness, I quite enjoyed the first movie. The leads seemed aware of how silly it was and over-acted accordingly, the theme tune I quite liked (and fucking LOVED the filmed-in-their-bedroom epic made by Smosh on YouTube), Bridgette Wilson and Talisa Soto looked extremely hot, Goro was funny, and the fight scenes were fairly competent. MK1 was shit enough to be funny and kind of enojoyable; MK2 ranks as one of the worst shitfests I’ve ever seen on the big screen. What the fuck Remar was doing in this mess, I’ll never know. Did he owe a shitpile of tax or something??

    Jarv, best of luck on eventually finishing this series. It’s by far the worst bunch of movies you’ve put yourself through so far. Well done…

    • Jarv says :

      I can’t take much more of it Spud. It’s too awful and is going to be consigned to a dumpster near you soon.

      Good to see you back. How’s the Amateur Dramatics?

    • Spud McSpud says :

      Not bad, thanks mate. I became chairman by default. It’s less fun than it sounds, since it involves many, many committee meetings and dealing with venues and all the boring shit, but at least I’m inching closer to HELLRAISER – THE PANTO!!

      “We’ll tear… your soul… APART!”

      “OH NO YOU WON’T!”

      Life’s getting in the way (we’re painting, decorating and recarpeting the entire fucking house this year) but I’ll try to keep popping in. There’s been some great reviews lately, but I expect nothing less from the Moonwolves 🙂

  10. tombando says :

    Jarv how is this worse than Highlander Too or Turdmen?

    • Jarv says :

      Highlander 2 is insane. However, there is an internal logic to it, and DO THE CUNT IRONSIDE is better by himself than anything in this film. It is terrible, though, no doubts, but also hilarious.

      Turdmen is monstrously boring, but clearly well crafted. It’s creatively bankrupt and utterly unimaginative, but is at least coherent.

      This is, honestly, worse than almost everything I’ve seen. It’s a total and utter mess, the CGI is frankly fucking awful, the actors don’t give a fuck, the music is heinous and it’s also very, very boring. The only comparative in terms of unwatchability that I’ve seen recently is Sucker Punch, but at least in that the CGI is good and there’s a GIANT ROBOT.

    • Spud McSpud says :

      TURDMEN’s saving grace is that it inspired two gorgeous women to dress as Silk Spectre II at the SFX event in Prestatyn this year. They totally outshone the only Slave Leia there, which was no mean feat 🙂

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