Video Game Adaptations: Mortal Kombat Annihilation
I’m honestly thinking about binning this fucking series. I’m not joking about this, but there’s only so much of this endless drivel that I can sit through, and I like to keep my garbage films safely ensconced in The Vault where they belong. Also, and this is important, let’s not forget that although the hit rate in the vault may be about 10-1, that 1 movie invariably turns out to be an absolute fucking humdinger, something so hugely and stupidly entertaining that it gives me strength to make it through the 9 pieces of garbage in between. In the case of this inordinately stupid Video Game Adaptation series almost all of them are utter crap, to the extent that I’ve even been making up alternative ratings to avoid giving every other film an Orangutan of Doom. Seriously, when the best film in this series has been the utterly meh Silent Hill, and I’ve given suspiciously overrated passes to things like Tekken, then you know that this is the antithesis of Charlie Sheen: it’s just FULL OF FAIL. Moreover, and this cannot come as much of a shock, I struggle to think of one film that embodies absolute failure as much as Mortal Kombat Annihilation.
Given that the first film was, and let me be absolutely honest about this because I will brook no more of this revisionism about it, diabolically fucking awful, it represents an achievement of sorts that this sequel is even worse. This is genuinely one of the worst, most inept, most boring and annoying films ever made. Seriously, and bear in mind who’s saying this: it’s the cretin that has sat through such gems such as Porn Shoot Massacre, New Year’s Eve and countless Shameless movies. Mortal Kombat Annihilation is incomprehensibly, mindblowingly wretched, a cancerous blight on the less-than-stellar record of video game adaptations, and such a woeful effort that it actually makes me feel more kindly towards some of Uwe Boll’s efforts. I’m not joking about that, by the way, and I’m now thinking of going back and Lucasing my rating for In the Name of the KIng because at least that film had FLAMING ORC CATAPULTS in it.
There are no catapults here, and certainly none either on fire or with orcs. There is, instead, boredom and irritation. I wish there were some FLAMING ORC CATAPULTS, because while it would make no sense whatsoever for them to be in the film, I don’t think that matters because nothing in this rancid load of festering and congealing monkey vomit makes sense. There are, I note, 6 writers credited with this mess (I thought one was Drew McWeeny of AICN infamy, but IMDB tells me that isn’t true) and although I do absolve Boon and Tobias from blame (they were merely responsible for the game), you can see how that many cooks produced such an epic clusterfuck in the kitchen.
Anyway, the four writers took turns smearing Lurpak on the script (think about it), and produced this story: it’s immediately after the end of the first film. Raiden has turned into a confused James Remar, while Sonja has turned into someone called Sandra Hess. She does have large norks, it has to be said, but they remain resolutely covered for the whole film. Anyhow, those 2 and Liu Kang (still Robin Shou, but he honestly couldn’t give less of a fuck) are facing off against Shao Khan and his unconvincing generals (more on these dipshits in a moment). I bet you’re wondering what happened to Cage? Well, so was I, because I went to fetch a beer and couldn’t be arsed pausing it. I did notice that he had disappeared, so rewound out of curiousity, and I can confirm that he was there. Khan just killed him in the first 2 minutes. Way to go, wankers, you’ve killed your sole likeable character at the start. What, couldn’t you afford Ashby’s lunch to get him to continue?
Khan has a terribly evil plan. He’s going to draw our fighters into Outworld to have another Mortal Kombat. To this end, he comes up with a ridiculously convoluted plan involving Kitana (Talisa Soto, filling out leather nicely) making up with her dead mother Sindel (Musetta Vander). Except it’s all a dirty trap, Kitana is kidnapped by Scorpion, Liu Kang goes on some kind of training montage with Nightwolf, who, because there’s no cliché un-bumraped in this film, has to find Liu because he’s all mystic and shit and Liu can’t find him. There’s something to do with Liu being able to turn into a dragon or some nonsense. Raiden turns into Billy Idol, which strips him of his powers and makes him mortal, and Sonya goes out to find
comedy negro Jaxx to make him come and fight or some such utter bollocks. Sub Zero turns up to fight some other ninja, except it’s not really Sub Zero, it’s his brother. He then fucks off and isn’t heard of again. Basically, to cut a long story short, because I’ll be here all fucking day trying to make this coherent, and I’ll still fail, which will piss me off, our heroes wander around from point A to point B before a big showdown where they win. Fucking blah, blah, blah.
To be honest, I haven’t really tried very hard with that plot description. This is for two reasons. Firstly, I don’t want to, but secondly, and more importantly, this is what can best be described as a kitchen sink film. They’ve got a checklist of characters and moves in the game that they believe have to appear and then the writers threw fucking everything, including the whole kitchen sink, at it to shoe horn them into the script no matter what the cost. I can almost see them sitting in a smoky room writing scenes individually then getting up to tick a feature such as “Jaxx uses his metal arms to pummel a centaur, but then gets them stripped off because he needs to believe in himself” off the wall chart. There’s no thought put in to how each scene links together and just basically it doesn’t make any sense at all. “Bollocks to cohesion” says writer 1, I’ve just got some cyborg cunt with explosive balls into the film”, well, says writer 2, “You think that’s good? I’ve managed to get Jade, some native American cunt that looks a bit like Mark Dacascos (incidentally, he’s awesome and Brotherhood of the Wolf is really good, and features Monica Belucci’s tits. Go and watch that instead) AND Liu Kang turning into a dragon in. I AM THE FUCKING GREATEST”.
The whole film can be summarised as Group of characters 1 traipses to unconvincing empty set 1. But what’s that you say? It isn’t empty? That’s a whole horde of ninjas and one of Khan’s generals? They’d better fight! Huzz-fucking-not. It’s honestly not an exaggeration and not one damned thing in the movie either makes sense or holds the interest, and it’s all down to that massive fucking shiteberry that’s masquerading as the script. Honestly, compared to the crayola scrawl here, the shitty fucking script to the first film looks like a masterpiece of writing up there with Charlie Kaufmann’s best.
Half the problem with it, aside from that it’s incoherent arsegravy, is that we don’t give a fuck about the characters. Even the hackneyed and cursory development from the first film is better than the total lack of effort put in here. Do we give a fuck that Sindel is Kitana’s mother and an undead menstrual nightmare? No, because the scene is literally this:
“Mommy! You were dead!”
“No Daughter, your mother is not dead, I am your mother and incidentally I am Inigo Montoya, prepare to fight. Possibly after you turn to the dark side and search your feelings you know this to be true”.
“Oh mother, you’re such a fucking card”
“No, actually let us not fight, instead I shall run away with Jade, and remember that prophecy that every cunt was talking about? Well, if I were you I’d forget about it, because you have an empty set to go to and some cosplay ninjas to fight!”
As a direct result, much like with the first film, against this garbage the actors are fucked. It would help if some of them, such as Shou, gave a toss, but on the whole they don’t. Khan is played by Brian Thompson, who can and does frequently do a good villain, but he clearly can’t be arsed either. His generals, Sheeva (Goro mark 2 with boobs) played by Marjean Holden, Montaro (more on this cunt when I come on to special effects), played by Deron McBee, hiss and bellow and whatnot, but in all honesty I’ve seen more intimidating Care Bears. There’s never any doubt that our heroes will be able to beat this pathetic lot into a pulp, even if Liu Kang has to turn into a dragon or something stupid to do it.
Talking about Montaro, I will say this once, and once only:
IF YOU CANNOT AFFORD THE CGI TO HAVE , OR LACK THE TALENT TO DO IT PROPERLY, A CONVINCING CENTAUR IN THE FILM THEN DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES PUT ONE IN.
Right, where was I. Oh, yes, special effects and centaurs. This is actually inexcusably bad, and not in an entertaining way. I’m seriously not joking here, but it looks like it’s not finished: you can see fucking clipping errors where the horse’s body doesn’t move in time with the actor, and worse than that it looks fucking pixellated in places. This, sadly, is pretty typical of the effects in the film, and I genuinely missed Wallace and Goro from the first effort. Particularly when looking at Sheeva with 3 clear inches of space between her body and the two extra arms. Mother of fuck, this is awful.
Ordinarily, I’d blame the director for this mess, but he’s actually quite a good DP, who only has two film credits to his name, and this was his first. Given this utterly awful script, and clear lack of budget, it’s unreasonable to expect first-time director John R. Leonetti to turn in anything other than a disaster. I do note, however, that he’s pretty much abandoned directing and his work can be recently spotted on Piranha 3D (and Insidious, which we won’t talk about).
Finally, because I’m at the end of my tether, there’s the music. One of the worst features of the first abortion was the hideous soundtrack that sounds like it took someone 10 minutes with a Casio keyboard and a laptop. Surely, were you to make a sequel, then you’d get rid of this sub-techno abomination? Nope, not these tossers, instead some bright spark decided to place it front and centre, but (yay!) turned it fucking up to 11. That’s going to be great and not in the least bit annoying.
Overall, this is one I don’t recommend, because there is not one redeeming feature, and I can’t find a single excuse not to give it the Orangutan of Doom. Hilariously, the strapline on the poster is “destroy all expectations”, well, I’m here to argue that even if you do that, and utterly nuke any expectation you may have, the film will still suck a fat cock. I’ve had enough of this: vent your anger monkey!
Mortal Kombat Annihilation has been so bad that it may be a series killer. That’s right, I may not do another one of these…
Aside from Super Mario Brothers.