Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 12 part 2. Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer

You can always tell when JPT is struggling with a review. I don’t read them before they go live, aside from the obligatory run of a spell check, but if I see the presence of a naked/ scantily clad leading lady on the bottom then it’s better than even chance that he’s hated the movie. Anyhow, he’s right this is a turd of a film.

Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfercomes complete with all of the problems of the first film, but adds the kryptonite of comic book films: a dance scene. Name me one good comic book movie with a dance scene in it? Spidey 3? How about Iron Man 2? Nope, there isn’t one.

Anyhoo, this also features a space surfing silver Oscar statue with no penis, so there must be some amusement there, surely…

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)

“Fuck me, It’s like having a conversation with the goatfucker.”

That would be my suggestion for the blurb, albeit late, on the dvd cover of this atrocious movie.  My first attempt at watching this was an utter failure since I kept nodding off and then succumbed to sweet oblivion of sleep.  While that exponentially improved the viewing experience, in the interests of this review, I gave it another shot and made it through an entire viewing without falling asleep.

The movie starts off promising enough; we witness a planet being destroyed by “something” and see a blur of silver and white come rushing out of the destruction and disappear into space.  Alas for all the viewers, the movie continues.  Cut to Earth and Reed and Sue have had several ill fated attempts at trying to tie the knot, with hopefully the fifth time being the charm.  Yes, this is how we are introduced back to our little group of heroes, a wedding.  Not, say, them performing some heroic feat to save lives from a burning building, or rescuing people from a natural disaster…something, anything. Oh no, we need to waste half the movie on a bullshit wedding or yet another example of a horrible decision to include dancing in a superhero movie.  Which is the worst dancing scene, this or Spidey 3?  In my opinion it’s Spidey 3 because the “change” in Peter is so jarring in its stupidity that it stands out that much more.  The FF films were always more playful and had significantly less crying in them, so the dancing scene doesn’t stand out quite as much.  That’s not to say the scene is not a failure, because it surely is, but at least Reed dances with a couple attractive women and he doesn’t have a horrible comb over.

Anyway, a General (Andre Braugher) is asking Reed for help in tracking down an anomaly that is creating all these disturbances around the globe.  It is of course the Silver Surfer scoping out the place for Galactus (we won’t even go into the cloud) to feed upon.  The Surfer’s arrival somehow awakened Doom (yay, just what we were missing), which prompts Doom to track the Surfer and confront him.  They no sooner exchange phone numbers when Doom attacks him and gets whacked around a bit by the Surfer.  The General, being sharp as a marble, recruits Doom as well since he had contact with the Surfer and can provide a video of just that encounter.

They come up with the plan to remove the Surfer from his board, being that it’s his source of power, and question him as to what his motive is.  Once captured, Doom gets access to his board (Doh! General!) and makes off with it, but not before eliminating the General.  Doom now has increased powers and uses them to fight off our four lovable heroes.  There’s only one way to stop Doom since individually they can’t stand up to the new and improved Doom: Johnny Storm.  Oh wait, I’ve gotten ahead of myself.  Let’s backtrack a bit, shall we?

Wedding attempt #5 gets interrupted by the Surfer streaming overhead, it seems he was able to pinpoint Reed’s tracking device and disrupt it.  Johnny takes off after him and the Surfer catches him and takes him up the atmosphere which knocks him out.  A side effect of his contact with the Surfer is that Johnny now has the ability to absorb/switch with everyone else’s power.  Now, I certainly do not remember the Surfer having that effect on other superheroes and I’m positive this is bullshit.  Even if it did happen, it’s makes it no less a horrible decision.  Why not just have them fight the Super Skrull?  Now that would have been a cool movie.

Back to Surfer Doom…Johnny absorbs everyone’s powers and uses them to defeat Doom and recover the board.  See, the board is serving as a beacon for Galactus and only the Surfer can try and lead him away.  He ends up (I think) destroying Galactus and saving Earth.  Reed and Sue get married.  The End.

If I glossed over the movie a bit, I make no apologies.  This movie justly deserves a zero rating.  For ¾ of a movie, nothing fucking happens.  Then when there is some action, it’s not the Surfer on his board zipping around but Doom on it.  And instead of giving us the Super Skrull, they give us the Human Torch amped up on FF powers.  Pah.

Pillow out.

BAMF!

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

36 responses to “Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 12 part 2. Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer”

  1. Jarv says :

    Inept film this one. Utter crap.

  2. Droid says :

    I recall thinking this one was better than the first. But I don’t remember either well enough to confirm this opinion.

    I was flicking channels a few weeks back and happened upon stretchy man busting his moves on the dance floor. It was awkward.

  3. Continentalop says :

    Yeah, this film sucks. What really amazes me is they manage to take a bunch of great FF stories – FF #48-50 (the Galactus Trilogy), #57-60 (when Doom stole the Power Cosmic from the Surfer, and the Super-Skrull, like Pillow said – and fuck them up and shit out this pile. I admit the FF are hard to adapt for movies, but this film is just an example of lazy, bad cinema.

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      I have to disagree…nothing amazes me about the fact that they can churn out shit like this.

    • tombando says :

      What did you think of Evans and Chiklis though Conti Pops?

      • Jarv says :

        I think they’re the best thing of the two films, to be honest.

      • Droid says :

        It also helps that they’re simply better actors than whatshername and the Gruffalo guy. Chicklis in particular is a better actor than the material deserves.

      • Jarv says :

        Let alone McMahon who’s frigging awful.

      • Droid says :

        Right, he’s terrible in the FF films. But wasn’t he supposed to be quite good on Nip Tuck? I’ve never seen it, but that’s my understanding.

      • Jarv says :

        Nip/ Tuck? What I’ve seen of it is meh. He was in Charmed, but that’s terrible.

      • Droid says :

        But was he any good in those shows? I’ve heard he was good in his role in NT.

        I barely remember him from some crap Aussie soap. I can’t recall it well enough to form an opinion on his acting.

      • Jarv says :

        He was OK from what I remember in Nip/Tuck. Shit in Charmed, but that’s to be expected.

        Nothing to suggest he’d be a good funnybook villain.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah him in Nip Tuck would suggest he would make for a great sort of mastermind villain. That show great for 3 seasons up till the end of the serial killer story. Then downhill for a while, upswing in the last season and a half.

      • koutchboom says :

        Also he would be good as the weasel good guy, who sells out to the bad guys.

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        Hola Folks!

        Good job pillows, this movie did indeed start out well then turned into that giant transformer vacuum cleaner from Spaceballs: The movie! It sucked! Which BTW must be the very first big screenification of a giant transformer robot – hi Tom!

        Chiklis and Evans – particularly Evans, were once again the standouts, although I thought Evans was much better in the first flick.

        The FF were always my favorite group of superheroes, and like the simian (has he returned?) I have a soft spot in my heart for these flicks because as bad as they are, and they stink, they nailed the family aspect.

      • Droid says :

        Hey mate. How was your holiday?

      • Jarv says :

        Welcome back, dude.

        HAve a nice cruise?

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        Hello R2,
        It was fantastic thank you.
        We island hopped for three weeks, then it was back to sunny Chicago.
        Work has kept me busy, otherwise i would have chimed in sooner.

      • Droid says :

        Sounds great. Very jealous. Really hoping to take a week in Barbados in late April. Depends on a few things but would love to go.

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        It was great Jarv.
        We rented a yacht with some friends, and cruised the BVI – which is our alltime favorite place to go.

        The water was a little bit nippier than usual, but not bad to stay out – I even had a barracuda following me while I snorkeled out by the chiefs – I did not know it until i returned to the boat. I thought everyone waving at me from the boat while i approached were just happy to see me! Turned out they were trying to warn me about barry! But he was a just a curious feller.

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        I was watching Demolition Man last night. That flick really holds up well after twenty years and Sandra looked mighty fetching. What really struck me though was the fact that Stallone let Snipes get the best of him in their fights.

        The ending where snipes is flash frozen and gets his head kicked off -literally, was great

      • Droid says :

        That’s a fun movie. Haven’t seen it in a long time.

        “You can take this job and shovel it.”

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        Yes, she was really very appealing in that flick, not just from eye candy view either. Could have done with a little less Dennis Leary ranting, but I guess that was his thing back then.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        Hey Toad…glad to have you back.

        Heh…I watched some of Demolition Man last night too, and yes, Denis Leary could have been skipped completely and the movie would have been better for it.

  4. tombando says :

    As always, both Chiklis and Evans were good, but the rest-not so much. King Kirby never had it so bad.

    • Continentalop says :

      Hey Tom, I thought Evans and Chiklis were really good in their parts; unfortunately they weren’t given enough besides the basics to work with. I really wish the Thing was a much darker character in the 1st flick (like he was in the first 12-24 issues of the FF comic).

  5. ThereWolf says :

    Honestly, I can’t remember much about this. Till you mentioned the wedding, the power absorbing, Doom nicking the surfing thing… I’d forgotten the lot. Does Alba end up naked in the street or is that the first movie?

    Dancing? Nah, zero recollection – and by the sound of it, the best state to be in.

    Well done, Pillow.

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