Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 12 part 2. Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer
You can always tell when JPT is struggling with a review. I don’t read them before they go live, aside from the obligatory run of a spell check, but if I see the presence of a naked/ scantily clad leading lady on the bottom then it’s better than even chance that he’s hated the movie. Anyhow, he’s right this is a turd of a film.
Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfercomes complete with all of the problems of the first film, but adds the kryptonite of comic book films: a dance scene. Name me one good comic book movie with a dance scene in it? Spidey 3? How about Iron Man 2? Nope, there isn’t one.
Anyhoo, this also features a space surfing silver Oscar statue with no penis, so there must be some amusement there, surely…
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)
“Fuck me, It’s like having a conversation with the goatfucker.”
That would be my suggestion for the blurb, albeit late, on the dvd cover of this atrocious movie. My first attempt at watching this was an utter failure since I kept nodding off and then succumbed to sweet oblivion of sleep. While that exponentially improved the viewing experience, in the interests of this review, I gave it another shot and made it through an entire viewing without falling asleep.
The movie starts off promising enough; we witness a planet being destroyed by “something” and see a blur of silver and white come rushing out of the destruction and disappear into space. Alas for all the viewers, the movie continues. Cut to Earth and Reed and Sue have had several ill fated attempts at trying to tie the knot, with hopefully the fifth time being the charm. Yes, this is how we are introduced back to our little group of heroes, a wedding. Not, say, them performing some heroic feat to save lives from a burning building, or rescuing people from a natural disaster…something, anything. Oh no, we need to waste half the movie on a bullshit wedding or yet another example of a horrible decision to include dancing in a superhero movie. Which is the worst dancing scene, this or Spidey 3? In my opinion it’s Spidey 3 because the “change” in Peter is so jarring in its stupidity that it stands out that much more. The FF films were always more playful and had significantly less crying in them, so the dancing scene doesn’t stand out quite as much. That’s not to say the scene is not a failure, because it surely is, but at least Reed dances with a couple attractive women and he doesn’t have a horrible comb over.
Anyway, a General (Andre Braugher) is asking Reed for help in tracking down an anomaly that is creating all these disturbances around the globe. It is of course the Silver Surfer scoping out the place for Galactus (we won’t even go into the cloud) to feed upon. The Surfer’s arrival somehow awakened Doom (yay, just what we were missing), which prompts Doom to track the Surfer and confront him. They no sooner exchange phone numbers when Doom attacks him and gets whacked around a bit by the Surfer. The General, being sharp as a marble, recruits Doom as well since he had contact with the Surfer and can provide a video of just that encounter.
They come up with the plan to remove the Surfer from his board, being that it’s his source of power, and question him as to what his motive is. Once captured, Doom gets access to his board (Doh! General!) and makes off with it, but not before eliminating the General. Doom now has increased powers and uses them to fight off our four lovable heroes. There’s only one way to stop Doom since individually they can’t stand up to the new and improved Doom: Johnny Storm. Oh wait, I’ve gotten ahead of myself. Let’s backtrack a bit, shall we?
Wedding attempt #5 gets interrupted by the Surfer streaming overhead, it seems he was able to pinpoint Reed’s tracking device and disrupt it. Johnny takes off after him and the Surfer catches him and takes him up the atmosphere which knocks him out. A side effect of his contact with the Surfer is that Johnny now has the ability to absorb/switch with everyone else’s power. Now, I certainly do not remember the Surfer having that effect on other superheroes and I’m positive this is bullshit. Even if it did happen, it’s makes it no less a horrible decision. Why not just have them fight the Super Skrull? Now that would have been a cool movie.
Back to Surfer Doom…Johnny absorbs everyone’s powers and uses them to defeat Doom and recover the board. See, the board is serving as a beacon for Galactus and only the Surfer can try and lead him away. He ends up (I think) destroying Galactus and saving Earth. Reed and Sue get married. The End.
If I glossed over the movie a bit, I make no apologies. This movie justly deserves a zero rating. For ¾ of a movie, nothing fucking happens. Then when there is some action, it’s not the Surfer on his board zipping around but Doom on it. And instead of giving us the Super Skrull, they give us the Human Torch amped up on FF powers. Pah.