Countess Dracula (1971)

Director: Peter Sasdy

Starring: Ingrid Pitt, Nigel Green, Sandor Eles

Release date: January 31(UK). Oh, hello, a foray into the horror genre. I haven’t got many of these in the series. This one doesn’t exactly sparkle in the memory. Let’s do it. May contain virgins and spoilers…

Countess Elisabeth Nadasdy (pronounced Nodo-shdee, I think), safe to say, isn’t aging like a fine wine. She’s a bitter, vindictive bitch lusting after a young soldier, Imre Toth (pronounced Tote, like the brolly makers…), a friend and comrade of her late husband. He arrives at the Nadasdy castle to witness the reading of old hubby’s last will and testament only to discover he has inherited the renowned stables and all the horses. Result! Later, when a servant girl ‘accidentally’ stabs herself in the face, the bloodied Countess is delighted to find that a drop of the old red stuff miraculously transforms her into a Decepticon. Nah, pulling yer leg. What really happens is she regains her youth and it puts her in a splendid position to woo the dashing Toth. And when it wears off, well, let’s just say it’s not a favourable time to be a virgin in Hungary…

Somebody hasn't had her 3 Shredded Wheat this morning...

This, my second screening of Countess Dracula, did not significantly improve the film’s profile; I thought it was pathetic first time around and this view is now thoroughly tarmacadamed Wicker Man-style under a motorway bypass. What was Hammer thinking? Nothing happens. I could barely stay the fuck awake. Considering the source material you might readily expect some spectacular blood-spuming at the very, very least. Cast those expectations asunder and despair. Director Peter Sasdy (pronounced Shoddy, perhaps) has gone for an all out costume drama and slathered on more soap than you’ll find in a Palmolive factory… Actually, I’ve just had a great idea, kind of a spin-off – Downton Dracula – give me a call, let’s do lunch. Anyhow, the virgin murdering itself is thin on the ground and unpardonably cursory. While flashes of boob are fairly plentiful (that’ll be living boob and dead boob), the flesh flashing does not liven up the limpid action one iota. And I’ve got to find something to discuss in amongst this tripe? Holy flat baps, Batman. Gimme Twins Of Evil any day of the week.

... and 3 Shredded Virgins later - voila!

Why is this movie called Countess Dracula? She’s a Countess; I can dig that. Is she Dracula? Is she fuck. Not a fucking fang in sight. The villagers also refer to her as “devil woman”. Here’s an idea; call the film Devil Woman. I know, she’s not the Devil either, so who cares. If it was up to me, I’d have gone with The Blood Countess, but what do I know. Why does virgin blood have this effect on her? Is it a curse, something from her past? Elisabeth doesn’t appear to be special in any way. She gets some blood on her by chance (well, not by chance as such, she was getting rough with the serving wench) and – hey presto! – young, voluptuous Ingrid steps forth. Some back story wouldn’t do any harm here, maybe a legend in her family dating back centuries. Master Fabio (Maurice Denham – he was briefly in Some Girls Do for another B/Day Series connection), the castle historian does a little investigating in the library (all the books were bequeathed to him in the will) and it seems the answers are contained in a volume entitled The Human Body; the chapter headed ‘Blood Sacrifice’. Are we to accept then that this temporary de-aging effect just happens and there’s no evilness lurking in Liz’s past? Anyone can do it? It’s not enough, not for me.

If you can't fight, wear a big hat

So then, the story consists of wet Toth (Sandor Eles) falling for ‘Ilona’. See, the invigorated Dracu-less is parading around imitating her own 19 year-old daughter while the poor lamb herself (played by the lovely Lesley-Anne Down) has been waylaid in the woods and held captive by a mute simpleton. Only Fabio seems to notice that ‘Ilona’ looks a rather mature 19. In probably the most entertaining sequence, the virgin juice wears off while Elisabeth is getting to grips with Toth causing a set of blue balls on his part and a hysterical episode on hers, fleeing before he can catch a glimpse of Her Most Warty Hagness. Thankfully, Liz’s maid Julie (Patience Collier) cases the village in search of another chaste young lady for the Countess to dine on while Toth blissfully ponces around in a very big hat, all the while being set up by the jealous Captain Dobi (Nigel Green) who wants Elisabeth for himself. And he actually wants old Liz… at least until the reverse-transformations render her more and more unsightly. Oh yes, for there be a debilitating price for every Rhesus Radox she dunks herself in. Better off twatting Zulus, Nigel.

Those are some fine whiskers, Nigel

The story is based on Ersebet Bathory, a Hungarian Countess (the ‘Blood Countess’ herself) who allegedly did indeed go around slaughtering virgin girls in order to retain her youth (a tale contested by some historians). I was hoping to see a naked Ingrid lounging in a bath full of blood but it never happens. Sasdy’s keepin’ it real, so we just get the pneumatic Pitt dabbing herself down with a giant sponge. Humorously, she contrives to, erm, drop said sponge at a most inopportune moment – not ‘gosh, I must first fetch myself a gown while my ample bosoms are handily secreted from view’; but, ‘what is this sponge doing in my hands, I must discard it at once… oops, may I introduce you to my tits…’ Countess Dracula plays out as a period piece when really it should be over-the-top Gothic horror. It’s got the kind of production values you would expect from Hammer but there’s a laziness to proceedings (same bit of castle exterior repeated; same interior passageway repeated…), despite kitting the cast out with costumes worn in many a BBC historical drama and featuring sets built for the film Anne Of A Thousand Days.

Not the sort of nudity one was hoping for...

Dull. Dull as ditch water. Ingrid certainly looks the part, sports a fantastic pair of whammers and puts in a decent performance. There’s not much fun to be had watching Sandor Eles snuffling around her cleavage though. Pitt’s dialogue, I believe, has been dubbed by another actress and she wasn’t very happy with Sasdy about that. Nigel Green decides he’s going to wring everything he can from the lacklustre script. I wanted Dobi to eviscerate Toth on every level; he’s all right, our Nige. There’s probably a class distinction subtext going on but I don’t think it plays all that loudly to make much of a significant impression. Beyond that, there’s nothing to recommend here.

Don’t be fooled by the vampiric connotation of the title. Liz Nadasdy isn’t Dracula’s wife. This is Upstairs Downstairs, but with a mad bint murdering virgins. And it’s hogwash.

 

Trailer: http://tinyurl.com/3hjmsmn

Movie: http://tinyurl.com/75ab24l

Oh, to be Ingrid's giant sponge...

 

 Countess Dracula gets a miserable 1 Hungarian Goulash out of 5.

 

 

 

Cheers, folk.

ThereWolf, February 2012