Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Pervert!

The following movie has been rated “Horny Fourteen.” Pregnant women and men who already have an erection at this point in the film should leave the theater now.

I was once asked to describe a Russ Meyer film. Believe it or not, that isn’t actually the easiest thing in the world to do, and the best I could come up with was “Imagine if you’d never seen a porno before. Then imagine that you wanted to watch a full length movie with women with humongous breasts, comedy music, and occasional intentional jokes. Then imagine a bit of bloodshed thrown in to the mix, and, by the way, I’m really not joking about the ginormous juggs”. That, really, is not the best description ever written of the oeuvre of the king of sexploitation cinema, famed auteur of films such as Vixen, Up! and Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! but I do struggle to think of a better one. Basically, every Russ Meyer film that I’ve ever seen (including Ebert scripted Beyond the Valley of the Dolls) is basically notable for being stock full of women with frankly enormous boobs and I struggle to really remember anything else about them. Sadly, postmodernist dickheads (looking at you, again, cokey) have rehabilitated the old filth merchant’s reputation and he’s now some kind of worthy director. For the record, I don’t buy this- as I’ve seen Vixen and I struggle to think of anything more cack handed than the racism plot in that. Nevertheless, his body of work is now apparently groundbreaking satire (honestly), and as such Ren and Stimpy director Jonathan Yudis decided to create his very own pastiche of Meyer films in 2005’s “cult hit” Pervert!

This did make me laugh.

I don’t buy this shit about Meyer for a second. I think, actually, that he was a dirty old git with a fetish for gigantic, positively gargantuan norks. However, his films always did have a certain brio to them that it would be churlish to deny. There’s also no doubt that the best modern B-movie around, Rick Jacobsen’s Bitch Slap does draw heavily from Meyer’s work. So, despite my personal feelings that sexploitation is a pretty sorry genre all in all, there was potential for some good fun to be had from this film. The film opens brilliantly, with a pitch-perfect parody of the opening to every Meyer film that I’ve ever seen: a montage of ridiculously endowed women jumping on trampolines and whatnot. Mary Carey, lesbian porn actress, and star of Pervert! features prominently, which isn’t a surprise given the zeppelins that she’s smuggling, and my spirits began to lift a bit. Could this actually be funny?

A montage of Meyers covering the boobs here.

James (Sean Andrews) is a degenerate fuckrag. He’s going back to see his father Hezekiah (Darrell Sandeen, who once played Buzz Meeks in L.A. Confidential) to make a man of himself over the summer. After an embarrassing encounter with a hitchhiker, he’s introduced to his father’s wife Cheryl (Carey). She’s got hot pants for him, and before you know it, they’re fucking like bunnies. In the meantime, his car is being looked at by a surreal hip hop redneck mechanic (Yudis) who wants to fuck him in the ass. He’s also coming to terms with his father’s strange meat sculpture hobby, and the whole thing is bordering on the insane. Cheryl disappears, and Hezekiah, goes into town and comes back with big-titted girl number 2, who is literally fucked to death by some as-yet unseen assailant. James, has fallen in love with Patty (Juliette Clarke) and has hired a slutty nurse to restrain his father, who he understandably believes to be a serial killer. Slutty Nurse also gets killed and the mystery is revealed….

Star Spangled boobies.

Ready, because this is spoiler time…

It’s James’ cock killing women. James, you see, made a deal with a strange black dude in New Orleans to attract women, but the price he pays is that his cock detaches and then turns into claymation and brutally murders every woman that is nice enough to let him bounce up and down on her for a while. Patty discovers this (in a scene ripped straight from Shivers) and reveals that she was actually girl number 2’s lesbian lover. Cue stupidity in the desert and yet more gratuitous nudity.

It's not just tits on show here, no, there's ass as well.

Really, and I hate to sound like an old prude, but this kind of thing gets me down. It’s meant to be a homage to the Meyer films, but, well, I’m not sure they’re worth a homage, and furthermore, the whole thing is so over the top that it actually feels more like a parody of them. Except without being funny in the slightest. To make matters more annoying, the claymation cock scenes are strangely cartoonish, and definitely grow wearying in no time whatsoever. Furthermore, the shenanigans and bizarre touches (Yudis punting the kid, for example) just serve to push the whole thing into the realms of silliness, and a homage to Meyer cannot support such bizarre antics.

Sigh. Suggestive greasing of a corn on a cob. This is relentlessly sleazy.

On the acting front, Carey clearly can’t act for shit, but she’s also clearly having a blast, as is Andrews and Sandeen (who probably can’t believe his luck), and this attitude is prevalent throughout the entire cast: they’re all having fun. The girls are willingly game to go through every piece of gross stupidity thrown at them, and it’s unfair of me to be rude about actresses that are obviously only in the film for having quite unfeasible tits and a willingness to get them out on command. Yet, and this is me putting on the old fart hat again, by the end of the film I was starting to dream of women with smaller boobs that were happy to keep their clothes on, because it’s just so god damned wearying.

Tie me up, Hot Nurse, I've been bad!

On the plus side, the sound department were obviously having just as much fun as the cast, because they run the whole gamut of cartoon “boing” noises out there. It’s actually quite good work, and keeps the film tonally light and far less relentlessly depressing and revolting than it could have been. To be honest, you can see Yudis background on Ren and Stimpy here, as some of the sounds wouldn’t have been out of place on the cartoon.

Patty is not a happy girl.

Overall, this isn’t a great film. It’s too god damned sleazy and too relentlessly unfunny to really work for me. I get what Yudis is trying to do, but I’m sorry to say that Pervert! falls into the same category as Hobo with a Shotgun (although it’s nowhere near as reprehensibly shit as that effort) by simply trying far too hard while simultaneously not being good enough. It’s no coincidence that I was actively thinking about small boobed women in clothing by the end of it, as the sheer repetition of huge wams had got me down, and that is clearly not the aim of the film.

Maybe I’m just too old for this sort of shit nowadays.

Until next time,

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

25 responses to “Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Pervert!”

  1. Continentalop says :

    I will say this about Russ Meyer, he was actually a hell of an editor. None of his schlock ever drags and they all are very well paced, despite how whacky they might be.

    • Jarv says :

      It’s true. Meyer films always whip along at a rare old pace, and they aren’t boring at all. Which is all in the plus for him.

      They’re just so relentlessly seedy though.

      • Continentalop says :

        Have you ever seen Beneath the Valley of the Ultra Vixens? Talk about seedy, and Roger Ebert helped write that one too.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m just going to check, because all the Vixen films blur into one in my mind. I think I have.

      • Jarv says :

        No, I haven’t.

        I have seen both Up! and Supervixens! though. Both of which are inordinately tacky.

      • Continentalop says :

        Yeah, Up! was especially sleazy in my opinion. Hitler getting butt fucked is not an image I want stuck in my head.

        The murder scene in Supervixens was well done though. Didn’t fit the movie at all but it was a great shocking scene.

      • Jarv says :

        Supervixens is basically a silly film at heart. That murder is totally out of place.

      • Jarv says :

        Also, I’m getting confused here, but which is the one with the semi-impotent psycho cop?

      • Continentalop says :

        Supervixens. Charles Napier. He has that psycho moment in the bathroom and viciously kills SuperAngel.

        Charles Napier was also good in Harry, Cherry & Raquel, which also had a violent shoot out that was completely out of place in the flick.

      • Jarv says :

        Man, they all blur into one in my mind, they really do.

        I think the single most out-of-place moment is the incest/ rape in the shower in Vixen!

        Seriously, what the fuck?

      • Continentalop says :

        Vixen has incest/rape, plus she’s a bigot and it has an anti-communist message. WTF indeed.

      • Jarv says :

        The racism and anti-communism in it is so fucking odd. I think my favourite bit of that film is just after whatshisname rapes/ shags (it really is incredibly dubious) Vixen, he’s saying to the black guy something along the lines of “go and have a go, I just did”, and the black guy looks at him with a great expression of horror on his face and responds with something like “what the fuck, man, she’s your people”.

        I think the not-so-subtle suggestion is that racists are all inbreeding redneck fuckheads.

        These films really are crap, aren’t they?

  2. MORBIUS says :

    Never seen any of Meyers films, only bits & pieces

    here and there. Not a fan of ginormous cans, prefer

    them more along the lines of a nice set of C-cups.

    If you’ve ever seen the gratuitous shower scene with

    the twins in Cruel Intentions 2, more my speed.

    Kinda like Mathilda May (FTW) in Stereo!!!

  3. Droid says :

    I’ve never seen a Meyer film all the way through. This sounds a bit shit. That pornworld comedy we watched was probably the best sexploitation comedy I’ve seen in a while. There really aren’t very many out there that are worth a damn.

  4. ThereWolf says :

    I’ve only seen clips of Meyer films.

    It must be bad if the recurring sight of huge baps gets boring. Usually, that is the redeeming feature in a cack movie. I’m a fan of big whammers but even I might sidestep this one…

    Nice one, Jarv.

    • Jarv says :

      If you’re a fan of truly gargantuan norks then you may like this.

      Depending on how you feel about detachable claymation penises.

      • ThereWolf says :

        Not gargantuan. You have to draw the line somewhere – I’d probably draw it at ‘whoppers’.

        Claymation knobs… that’s not something you’d see on ‘Wallace & Gromit’, is it… Or is it?

        But, no. I won’t bother.

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