Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics. Number 9, part 2: Iron Man 2

Welcome back to Just Pillow Talk’s tour of insipid cinema. Marvel adaptations are, judging by this series, a pretty uninspiring bunch with very few of them becoming elevated above their source material. In fact, it does seem that he’s seen an awful lot that I’d term as being utter shit.  He split up the two Iron Man reviews, probably for reasons of sanity, as the second Iron Man film is dogshit by any reasonable standard. Nevertheless, he’s back with his update from the bowels of funny book hell: 

Iron Man 2 (2010)

Back in the Marvel saddle, I apologize for the delay, but shit happens. While I still have the two FF and Howard the Duck films to contend with, I think it’s time to reflect on how blah Marvel films are. What makers of film seem to forget is to make fun films about superheroes. There should be plenty of action, because, well, it’s a fucking movie based on a comic book. Nor does filling a movie to the brim with characters make it better; it in fact makes it worse since characters inevitably get shortchanged and the overall story suffers.

Now I quite liked the first Iron Man, and yes, that’s mostly due to RDJ’s performance, but there was enough there besides that to make it a good film. The origin of the Iron Man suit I think was handled very well, and the effects were pretty solid. The sequel takes place shortly after the events of the first movie. The world knows Tony Stark as Iron Man, thanks to his announcement at the end of the first film. Tony, suffice to say, loves the limelight. He thinks he is doing a greater good and making America, and the World, a safer place. Alas the U.S. government doesn’t share the same sentiments, and wants the Iron Man suit as government property. They don’t get that warm and fuzzy feeling that a private citizen has control over such a powerful weapon. What Tony doesn’t realize is that Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke) has plans to take out Tony with some of the same technology that powers the Iron Man suit and keeps him alive. It turns out Ivanko worked with Tony’s father but got deported due to sharing some of those scientific secrets with the Soviets. Tsk-tsk. Well, Ivan is sort of pissy about that and tries to take out Tony with some electrical charged whips. Close, but no cigar to our comrade friend.

Ivan gets put away but lo and behold gets broken out of prison by Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell), who is a competitor of Stark Industries. He wants Ivan to help him build a better droid to compete against Iron Man and win a contract with the military. That tricky Ivan has other ideas and unleashes the droids against Iron Man and the public.

But wait, I got a tad ahead of myself. Rhodey (now played by Don Cheadle), after being reassured by Tony that the technology would not get into the wrong hands anytime soon, he’s upset by Ivan’s attack, which proved the technology is already being copied. This all leads to the worst scene in both movies (think Daredevil vs. Elektra playground scene or the entire Ghostrider movie) with Tony in the Iron Man suit drunk, dancing and shooting dishes with his repulser beam. Rhodey decides to suit up in another Iron Man suit and they duke it out. Rhodey ends up leaving with the suit and bringing it to a military air force base. There, it gets powered up with some of Justin Hammer’s weapons to make it “War Machine”. Are the geeks happy? I think this part was unnecessary; did we really need to get War Machine already? No we did not.

Oh, one more thing, RDJ is dying from the arc reactor even while it keeps him alive. Fortunately for him, Shield gives him the necessary help (sort of) to help him recreate a new element (his dad did it first) and build a brand spanking new arc reactor that is more powerful and doesn’t have the side effect of killing him. Yay Howard!

So Iron Man and War Machine save the day by destroying all the droids and killing Ivan in his all new suit. And there’s more shit about the Avenger Initiative and Nick Fury and Scarlett Johansson is the Black Widow working for Shield pretending to be a secretary for Stark Industries..not that important.

Listen, I actually like the premise of doing the “Armor Wars” (was that what it was called?), where Tony was trying to repossess his technology and undo some wrongs. I just didn’t like the way they went about it. First, the Senate scene was complete shit. Second, I thought Sam Rockwell was a shit villain. I couldn’t take him serious for one moment, nor do I even think he would have had the backbone to have Ivan broken out of prison. The dude is a weasel, doesn’t fit the character. Third, Ivan’s little speech to Tony about “blood in the water” now that he showed the world Tony (and Iron Man) could be gotten to, nothing came of it. It would have been better if Ivan had sold the technology to someone which led to more attacks on Tony. I think the action should have been upped more than it was in this regard. Show what Tony’s overconfidence does to those around him by having everything he cares about put into danger by the technology he created.

The biggest problem with this movie: it felt like a filler between the Avengers movie. It was a disappointment because it did not build off of the first one, more like tread water. I’ll give it 1.5 ScarJo’s out of 4.

Pillow out

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

53 responses to “Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics. Number 9, part 2: Iron Man 2”

  1. Jarv says :

    This film is shit. I would go less than half for it. Complete wank, stuffed full of characters I didn’t give a fuck about, motivations that were hackneyed and boring (daddy issues, a-fucking-gain), embarrassing scenes, shit acting, too many villains, too many heroes, bad jokes, sloppy direction and so forth.

    Nah, fuck this film, I could be talked into giving this an Orangutan.

    • Jarv says :

      Oh, and that three quarters of it, including the embarrassingly bad fight with Rhody was him giving away his stuff because he’s dying, but he’s too much of a cock to tell his nearest and dearest, and instead would just rather be a dick to them, made him utterly unsympathetic. I wanted Rourke to kick his shiny arse.

  2. Droid says :

    This movie blows hard.

    • Jarv says :

      You’re the malfunctioning robot that initially gave it 1.5. Probably due to a short circuit.

      Once the Rebel Alliance patched you up, you did hand out your first Angry Ape to it though.

      • Droid says :

        I did. Inexplicable really. It’s why I refrain from rushing reviews out now. Because I feel I can give a clearer review after a day or two. it’s one of those movies that the more I thought about the more I hated it.

      • Jarv says :

        It happens. We both gave Splice 1.5.

        I’ve gone back and looked at reviews and thought “I gave it what?”

        Hell Jonah made The Kings Speech the film of 2010.

      • Droid says :

        Indeed. Also, the Iron Man Poo debacle is why I made sure I didn’t rush to judgement on Pirates 4 and TF3. I thought about both of those films a fair bit prior to reviewing them. This one I just kinda dumped out.

      • Jarv says :

        You gave them both half didn’t you?

        I’ve regretted 3 in the last year: Kill List and Norwegian Wood on one side. I saw both of them again on DVD, and I went half too low. Kill List, I should have given a maximum to. Furious with myself about that.

      • Droid says :

        Yeah, both got half. I’m not really too fussed to be honest. Ratings are a bit rubbish as a rule. You’ve clearly established your opinion of those movies. And anyway, 3.5 out of 4 is a pretty clear indication itself.

      • Jarv says :

        Yeah, I’ve pretty much abandoned them for new series, and the vault- where they were effectively meaningless. Once I finish Planet of the apes, then that will be over with altogether.

        The other one I regret in hindsight was Conan. While I made no bones about how stupid it was, and that there were problems, I had fun with it. THerefore I gave it 2.5.

        When I saw it at home, I still had fun with it, but noticed much more that was dubious so I should have knocked it down to 2. Thinking about it, I’m now wondering whether to go to 1.5. There’s still things I like about it, but I definitely got a bit of Cinema-itis over that initial rating. I think I’ll stick to 2.

        Pah.

        Or Maybe 1.5.

        No, I did enjoy it enough to just approve it. Just. 2. Final word on it.

      • Jarv says :

        You dished out an Angry A*P*E to Ironclad this year.

      • Droid says :

        Yep. I fucking hated it. It was the way it was shot more than anything else.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s definitely had your lowest rating of the year that you’ve reviewed. I find it impossible that it’s worse than Sucker Punch though. Which is also annoyingly shot- in that it’s ugly, and full of Snyder’s usual visual masturbation.

      • Droid says :

        I almost left the cinema after 20ish minutes so it’s on par with sucker punch.

      • Jarv says :

        Hmph. I hated this. Hated it.

        In fact, thinking about it, I’d OoD it.

        Droid gave both TF3 and Pirates 3 1 out of 4. That’s very generous.

      • Droid says :

        Did I? Bah. Half I’d say. Especially pirates.

      • Droid says :

        I remember I gave pirates 1 because I couldn’t be bothered photoshopping Cary elwes in half.

      • Jarv says :

        Yup. I checked out of curiosity.

      • Droid says :

        If it was at home I would’ve turned it off.

      • Jarv says :

        I made it through every painful moment of Sucker Punch, and this year had some complete shit in it, but that was the worst I’ve seen. I think it’s actually worse than Ironclad, from your review, because Ironclad sounds ineptly filmed, whereas Sucker Punch is so relentlessly adolescent; a veritable cornucopia of wet dream fantasies that either never follows through, or actively insults our intelligence periodically.

        Fucking awful movie. Worse than anything last year and I think worse than anything in 2010. Including things I really hated like Scott Pilgrim and 2033 (which I walked out of, mostly because it was massively boring, and horribly shot, but it wasn’t actually evil).

        In fact, it might be worse than anything in 2009 as well.

        Hell, it might actually be the worst film since Alien v Predator Rectum. That’s an achievement.

      • koutchboom says :

        EH AVPR and Sucker Punch are better than Iron Man 2.

  3. Just Pillow Talk says :

    If a movie generates a certain level of hate then I give it a 1 or below.

    I didn’t hate this movie, I just thought it was full of blah.

    I would probably rate Conan the same as this movie, full of blah.

    Ironclad was not good, not in the slightest.

  4. Continentalop says :

    This is the film that convinced me that Marvel Studios really didn’t care about making good movies and were just cashing in on name value and fanboy enthusiasm over the idea of a connected Marvel Universe in movies. This is an unforgettably sloppy movie with no point other than what Pillow said, to set-up the Avengers.

    Luckily for them the general audience seems not to care and are still eating this shit up.

    • Xiphos0311 says :

      The general audience have to care because if they made a movie for the virginal fat shut in geek comic book weirdos the movie would make about $100.00 dollars since the fanbois are fat fickle unwashed and basically unemployable losers. What little disposable income they have is spent on super hero underoos, “action” figures(or dolls as the normal people call them) and anime rape porn.

      I’m a big fan of the general audience since its them that put unctuous supercilious cinephiles in their place. Every time Bay makes a billion dollars an angel gets its wings. Also every time a pretentious, arrogant lost up their their own ass douche canoe art house directors, Tarantino or an auteur fails an angel gets its wings.

      • Jarv says :

        This is true. Witness, for example, Snakes on a Plane.

        Geeks wanked over it. General public said no.

      • Droid says :

        Geeks wanked over the idea of snakes on a plane. They’d already blown their load before it came out. Its a funny one. They splooged over it but then it wasn’t unique enough anymore so they turned on it. All before it even came out.

      • Jarv says :

        It was also crap. Which didn’t help.

      • Droid says :

        Sure. But the geeks considered themselves above it by that point.

      • Jarv says :

        It never had the audience either. Also, the nerds knew too much, because they’d practically written the fucker

      • Jarv says :

        Just tried to watch an Aussie horror. Had to turn it off because of shit sound work.

        It just sinks a film, every time.

      • Continentalop says :

        General audience have nothing to do with a movie being good or bad. Audiences go see a movie because of advertising, marketing, name recognition, timing and a bunch of other considerations which have nothing to do with the quality of a movie.

        I’m not against the free market in film, but I don’t delude myself that it will always lead to quality, just like I don’t think democracy will really lead to the best leaders getting elected. But to paraphrase Churchill, it is the best system we’ve thought of so far.

        And by your argument, QT is a wonderful success and filmmaker. His movies have had relatively small budgets and have pulled in huge amounts of money, especially Pulp Fiction.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Slow your roll Conti I never said audience have anything to do with movie quality, although now that I think about, audiences are voting on perceived quality and value with their money which is why box office has been falling. although that leads to an entirely different discussion about how BO is BS and that all movies really make money.

        What I was saying is that I love it when pompous, pretentious shitbag Hollywood asshat director/actors/producers movies trip on their dicks and audiences don’t buy in or when a trendy cynically marketed films flame out. That makes me happy

      • Continentalop says :

        My apologies. I misread what you wrote.

        In my defense, I’m retarded.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        you’re not retarded dude what I wrote could easily be interpreted the way you did.

    • Jarv says :

      I cared.

      It fucking stank. And the first one was no great shakes either, but this actually soured me towards it.

  5. Xiphos0311 says :

    Good write up Pillows for a movie i’ve never seen and probably never will.

    • Jarv says :

      Don’t. If you’ve any fondness for Iron Man, the first movie, cinema, Robert Downey Jr, Favreau, Narrative, People not forcing you to watch 2 hour trailers, Scarjo, Samuel L, good films, then this is a kick in the tits.

      Koutch, astonishingly, didn’t overreact to it. He was bang on.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Yeah I’m not planning on seeing it. I liked the first one well enough at the movies but on seeing it again at home it took a nose dive and put me off the series.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        It seems like almost all comic book movies lose their luster after a repeat viewing occurs: Spidey movies for me being a prime example.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        I was never all that smitten with Spiderman, it was good but pretty average. I thought Tobey was a bad choice for Parker and they didn’t get Peter Parker right. Plus snaggle tooth as MJ was a colossal misfire.

      • Jarv says :

        Must be 2. 1 was only ever ok at best and 3 is turd.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        the second Sm was the best one but they still got a lot wrong like Dr Octopus. Don’t get me wrong I like Molina’s over the top version it was quite engaging for what they were going . It’s just that I would have rather seen the cold logical emotionally repressed comic version, you know the German one.

      • Continentalop says :

        Coldly logical is correct (although he does have a bad temper). There is a reason he has tentacles – it is a metaphor for him being a manipulator, not just a flashy guy who wants to fight spider-man (hence why he formed the Sinister Six or why he once worked behind the scene as the Master Planner).

  6. Continentalop says :

    I forgot to ad I am probably the only person who thought ScarJo should not have been in this movie. She was horrible miscasts as the Black Widow (even excluding the fact they changed her from being a Russian).

  7. ThereWolf says :

    I don’t feel one way or the other about ‘Iron Man 2’. I watched it, then it was gone.

    But ScarJo was in it so that was a plus.

  8. tombando says :

    Okay all things IM Too etc.
    *Didn’t like it, was disappointed to say the least.
    *First one held up for me just fine on repeat viewings. Ending could be better.

    *See I liked Scar Jo just fine in it, though she was just tossed in for fanboy wank purposes. She is not the problem w #Too. Plot, villain and tanked Stark scene was why(giant robots needed methinks.

    *Not a fan of the whole Geeknation thing / concept that Harold and Drew insisted on glomming all who were on their site into. Drews little State of Geeknation addresses were arrogantly written and frankly embarrassing to read to say the least. Yeahhhh go ahead and fapp off to Turdmen their guys. Beaks has gotta be the worst there, Minor-Jeff was semi-competent in comparison, between dry heeaves and ass kissing that is.

    *Am prob the only only one here that likes Daredevil.

  9. tombando says :

    Was just rereading this hilarious Talkback for No Country for old Men, where Caponi gives it a good rating, then in comes Minor-Jeffs littlr ooo ooo ooo Mr Kotter me me me riposte. He basically blows the whole plot sans spoiler warning, and you get a classic tidal wave of hate roiling up from the Tb at him for it. Some great stuff in there from Jarv, MrGeyser, Pazooz, Occula, etc and the banned Bodet. He reallllly hated me, which made for a good time. Rarely did you see a Tb united just like that, Minor Jeff had that unique gift I guess. Everyone was begging Harold to bag him. If I remember right he self destructed on his own accord lator on. Good times, good times.

  10. The Thorn says :

    The first ‘Iron Man’ was bad enough. It was fun, but seriously dumb as a bag of rocks. So, when I saw that they had Mickey Rourke looking like steroid-fuelled cybernetic gladiator with whips on his arms, I just had to steer clear of the sequel. I think I did the right thing, based on all that I’ve heard and read. oO

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: