Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Bare Behind Bars

I just adore raspberry pudding

Is there a more sorry genre out there than the Women in Prison films? Exploitation cinema as a rule is dirty, seedy, nasty stuff, but these exist solely to show various acts of sadism inflicted on unlikely female convicts who exist to wander round in the buff and commit various sapphic acts for the pleasure of the hooting gibbons that comprise the audience. Even in a genre as sorry as this one, and let’s face it aside from Reform School Girls, which is a spoof anyhow, they’re all tacky garbage, this 1980 slice of grindhouse schlock may possibly be the most obnoxious one out there. So, I was clearly compelled to watch it, and, this is something I never thought I’d say, Bare Behind Bars (A Prisão) eventually managed to make even lesbianism boring. How could such a thing happen?

The London riots took a disturbing twist.

Brazilian filth merchant Oswaldo De Oliveira was clearly in some sort of weird competition with Spanish filth merchant Jess Franco or Italian pervert Joe D’Amato to see who could produce the sleaziest and most bad natured film. While Franco gave it a good stab, even filming his own wife blowing people in things like Female Vampire, I reckon Oliveira has him beaten hands down with this. I can’t think of anything sleazier that may have crossed my mind, and having just finished watching it I feel an overwhelming need to go and drink myself into a coma to induce a state of amnesia. But not before I shower in bleach and scrub my brain with steel wool. Honestly, I feel like I’m typing with a two-inch thick layer of grime sitting in front of my eyes.

Cynthia cursed the button shortage that plagued Rio

Welcome to Brazil, and more importantly the Brazilian penal (hehehehehe “penal”) system. We’re privileged here to be given an insight into the inner workings of one of its most severe female institutions. Run with an iron dildo by Sylvia (Maria Stella Splendore), a lesbian without access to a lonely hearts column, this notorious gaol houses only hot women with dykish tendencies. In between making them go without showers or exercise (this is frankly a good thing, because when they do go out to the yard it’s like playtime at special school. Well, until they start with the nude calisthenics) she molests the hotter inmates, and then sells them as sex-slaves to other lonely Brazilian lesbos. The guards are run by Cynthia (Neide Ribeiro), who thinks the warden may be going a bit far, and in between bouts of torture they basically shag anything with a pulse- inmates, delivery men, each other, whatever. The various inmates don’t matter in the slightest aside from three: #241 (Marliane Gomes), #341 (Danielle Ferrite) amd #578 (Sonia Regina). Now, these three are important to what passes for the storyline, which I’ll go into in a second, but I just want it noting in advance that underwear is clearly not allowed for anyone that crosses the prison gates- guards, inmates or even the warden.

You think they'd be cleaner than this considering the amount of time they spend in the shower

The film opens with the inmates playing handball in the yard, something not dissimilar to a group of squealing retards fighting over a chew toy, while the riding crop wielding guards stand by the wall watching. Eventually someone shanks #170, which forces the guards to break out a puny water cannon (it has about the pressure of your average garden hose). This is not at all an excuse for a wet clothing fest or heaven forbid that you should think that those escaping tits in this scene were done in purpose. It’s an accident, goddamnit. Actually, this scene is the first of many, many unintentional laughs in the film as the guards accidentally hose down two of their own who are retrieving the body. The warden clamps down by having them randomly tortured (we don’t really see it, to be honest, and it seems to involve a lukewarm shower, a riding crop and a table, although we are informed that the prisoners die during it. Can’t see how, possibly of boredom), banning exercise and basic hygiene and having the nurse (more on this genius in a second) perform a series of cavity searches on the inmates to find weaponry. It comes as no surprise to discover that #241 has a straight razor. Concealed in her anus. Which we get to see removed. Thanks for that, Oliveira.

Brazilian Watermelon was renowned for inducing an orgasmic plateau in middle aged woman. Of course what you can't actually see here is that she's rubbing her naked arse on #241's naked arse. Which may have rather more to do with it than the watermelon. Or it could be the ether. Oh, fuck it, does it matter?

Anyhow, wildly inappropriate nympho lesbo nurse Barbara (Marta Anderson), an ether huffing sister-fister of truly manic proportions, falls in lust with #241, and so begins a torrid lesbian affair, involving bareback riding, sensual massage, and sucking on a giant dildo made out of a pineapple. I do wish I was joking about that. #578 meanwhile catches the eye of the warden, and also begins a torrid lesbian affair to gain control of Sylvia in order to escape. The inmates, in the meantime, are indulging in graphic acts of group sex with each other, using the dildo #241 was given by the nurse.

One Dildo. No water. 200 nymphomaniac lesbians. Think about that for a second. Then throw up.

The inmates were pleased when the flag of Brazil made it to their cell. This is, incidentally, exactly what it looks like.

Right, where was I? Oh, yes, #578 has convinced the warden that they need to have a (wait for it) full Catholic Mass to celebrate Carnival, while #241 has managed to convince the nurse to show them the way out, get her a gun, and supply her with her straight razor. The Mass comes, and our intrepid anti-heroines escape. In a frankly bizarre sideplot, we follow “Betty” who has been sold to a lonely dyke and her clam jousting adventures on a desert island.

Once out, the Warden is in deep trouble. She’ s fired and Cynthia takes over (who despite a rigorous determination to stay clothed, does get naked just before the escape). Nurse Barbara is hilariously exonerated (despite being more guilty than anyone else) but prohibited from ever practicing nursing again. Which is disastrous for her, because that’s her ether supply dried up, however, she’s only concerned about her hat. Our three girls, on the other hand, forsake any sympathy at all by going on a murderous rampage involving the rape of a 12 year old boy, 2 severed penises, and multiple acts of hard-core sex. 2 of them are caught by the extremely dodgy looking cops, and the other is murdered. The fucking end.

Women enjoy glory holes too.

This is a porn. Frankly. I’ve gone into such depth with the plot, because almost everything described above is basically an excuse for the women to get completely naked, fuck each other (and it’s hard core penetration on more than one occasion, so I’ve no idea what the reviewer on Lovefilm who described the sex scenes as “lame” was watching), and generally debase themselves for the camera. The debasement prize, by the way, goes to Gomes who participates in the rape of a minor, performs hard core sex, cuts off two penises, one flaccid that’s fed to a dog, and one (thankfully this was cut from the UK version) erect fed to the owner of said penis, and licks the pineapple dildo. The rest of the actresses also do put in the work lowering themselves, but nothing like this, aside from Ferrite, who also has the honour of being penetrated on camera by a half man- half wookie.

The answer is "Nun" of the above.

There’s absolutely no point talking about the acting here, because a)it’s crap, and b) it’s dubbed. However the dubbing is frequently hilarious, and almost worth watching in its own right, particularly Nurse Barbara’s raspberry pudding scene, which is possibly the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time. Er, aside from that, I’ve not really got a lot to talk about, I mean, this is basically a porn, so what else is there to say? Lots of women get naked, perform various sexual acts with each other, men, and themselves, and that’s about it.

Having said that, there are laughs to be had, like the sequence where the guard and a prisoner in solitary reach through the gap to molesting each other while the inmates use a pulley to pass the dildo across cells like some kind of bizarre cable car. Or Nurse Barbara’s increasingly insane sexual antics with #241, which never fail to raise a laugh.

This is also exactly what it looks like.

This film, obviously, is terrible. It shows how standards have changed in the UK that it was banned outright on release (and I kind of agree with the censor here) whereas with a couple of minor cuts I was able to watch it on Lovefilm. Erect cock, blowjob shots and all. I’m not trying to sound like a snob here, and I enjoy ogling oiled Brazilian lesbians molest each other as much as the next person, but at 90 minutes odd, and I can’t believe I’m about to say this, it becomes boring.

That isn’t to say that I wanted to see the cock shots towards the end, because, well, I didn’t, but I did want the three escapees to maybe do something more interesting than fuck people. This, incidentally, is the other strength of the film. Most Women In Prison films shy away from what the heroines actually did to get lengthy terms in the slammer, but here Oliviera has no qualms about showing his heroines to be sociopathic murderesses to a woman. I just wish he’d found another way of doing it that wasn’t raping a kid.

"I told you not to leave the toilet seat up"

Overall? Nope I don’t rate this. In this day and age, if I want to watch porn, then it isn’t exactly difficult to get hold of. However, if I want to watch a movie then I expect a minimum of it not to be porn. If the fuck sequences are so frequent and so overextend that even someone with my sensibilities would grow tired of seeing lesbians then they really must be excessive. Bare Behind Bars is just a crappy slice of bottom feeding porn masquerading as sexploitation and thus a total waste of time.

At the end of the day, Nurse Barbara is funny, and the odd sight gag does raise a smile, but really, you’d be better off watching Reform School Girls if you want to see Women in Prison, or actual porn if you want to watch fuck scenes.

Until next time,


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

11 responses to “Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Bare Behind Bars”

  1. Jarv says :

    Indeed, I will watch almost anything.

    This, actually, is in the Thundercrack! leagues, but vastly better, because it isn’t as abhorrent.

  2. Continentalop says :

    I thought Demme’s early female prison flicks were pretty good, and the Rebel Highway series on Showtime had one I remember being ok; it even aped the ending of Lonliness of the Long Distance Runner.

    • Jarv says :

      Wasn’t Caged Heat one of Demme’s? That’s one of the best.

      Mostly they’re Ilsa: Werewolf woman of the SS or whatever the fucker is called level shite.

      Or this. Which is porn.

  3. Xiphos0311 says :

    Is there a more sorry genre out there than the Women in Prison films? Exploitation cinema as a rule is dirty, seedy, nasty stuff, but these exist solely to show various acts of sadism inflicted on unlikely female convicts who exist to wander round in the buff and commit various sapphic acts for the pleasure of the hooting gibbons that comprise the audience.

    That’s bad right?

  4. ThereWolf says :

    Wait… this is on Lovefilm? See yer later…

    No. This sounds truly dire. Yet the level of detail in the review goes far and above the call of duty. Well done.

    That watermelon pic is quite enticing though…

  5. MORBIUS says :

    You had me at …dirty, seedy …

    Then the wheels came off with the mentions of:

    pineapple dildo, razor in the anus …

    Back on board for the severed penises,

    wait, thats not right …….!!!

    Sounds Dreadful! Pass.

    Try Prison Heat, replete with the requisite / obligatory

    strip search, shower, rape, sapphism, revenge / comeuppance …

  6. Just Pillow Talk says :

    My question: was Mrs. Jarv out while you watched this little lesbo gem?

    I could do with the rape of 12 yr old boy and penis cutting, so I will pass on this, even filled up with lesbians.

    • Jarv says :

      The gym mostly.

      She came back in at the exact moment that one of them was being penetrated by the strap on. I had a very difficult time explaining myself.

      You don’t see the rape on camera, thankfully, but in America you do get the nob cutting.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: