Jarv gets Pissy at: New Year’s Eve (2011)

This review is sponsored by Smirnoff vodka, Jim Bean’s Cherry Whisky (don’t ask), and 4 weird English bitters. All this, incidentally, is leftover from our New Year’s Eve party. This is also the longest review that I’ve ever written, weighing in at a massive 3895 words on probably the least deserving film ever. However, there is a plus point to this for you all: I’m going to lay out the entire film in all its awful minutiae so there’s no need for anyone to ever see it after this review.

When I made this wager with the resident rusted trashcan, I did it fairly safe in the knowledge that I had three factors going for me. The first was that his inherent laziness would surely preclude him from completing a review every 2 days, although I foolishly did give him a sporting chance by allowing him to resurrect 2 that he’d had on the books for a year. The second was that I didn’t think he’d take it up anyway, and thirdly and most importantly, that because New Year’s Eve was released in early December, the bastard would be long gone from the cinema before New Year’s Eve itself, which would therefore mean that I wouldn’t have to see it until Lovefilm sent it, which could be at any point in the next 12 months, and everyone would have forgotten about it.

Sadly, I wasn’t aware of a few salient points. Firstly, the useless laser magnet had a week off work. I was relying on him being stuck in the office doing stuff he hates on a computer for a large chunk of the time. If this had been the case, then he’d never have done it. Secondly, I grossly overestimated his laziness. This was an understandable mistake. Thirdly, and most importantly, the fucking Odeon in Camden, on which you can’t see a film for longer than a week, picks complete crap to show, and churns through films like nobody’s business would, for some reason that I cannot fathom, still be doing one showing a day at 9.25pm, over 3 weeks after the film was released. This unhappy alignment of the stars meant that I was forced, by any means necessary, to procure and watch the damned thing. I was dreading seeing this in the cinema, to be honest, but luckily one of my mates came riding over the hill like the fucking cavalry with a memory stick with his wife’s freshly downloaded copy.

Can I have a Hallelujah? No? How about a Hell Yeah?

Load of old balls.

Sadly, I was foiled. The PS3, probably protecting its own circuits from a fatal influx of cheese, rejected it out of hand. However, such was my desire to avoid actually paying money to see this piece of shit that I upgraded the laptop to allow me to watch it with the wife, without recourse to uncomfortable seating and no beer.

Thank heaven for small mercies.

Anyone that knows me knows several things. The first of which is that I loathe ensemble pieces like this. The second is that I detest Amateur night (New Year’s Eve) as it is the one night of the year solely dedicated to shut in wankers that don’t go out any other night of the year and therefore once having left the warm embrace of mind-numbing television feel an overpowering need to make utter cunts of themselves and cram out every decent drinking establishment to prove that they are the most monstrous of party animals and they’ll show us what is what. Fucking cunts. Thirdly, and most importantly for the purposes of this fiasco, I detest saccharine films. I can’t stand them at all, they set my teeth on edge, and it aggravates me intensely that they are absolutely critic proof because women will flock to them in droves because they’re “nice”. This, I felt, was not going to be 2 hours of fun and frolics.

Before I start the review properly, I just want to get this clear: Believe it or not, there is actually a proper heart warming film buried in here. One of the segments, that I’ll come to in a moment, has potential for both light comedy and a feel good factor. Unfortunately, this one episode, by far and away the best of the film, doesn’t have the romantic connotations necessary to be given full rein and as such is given the Cromwell Street treatment (Google Fred West for an explanation) by the other bits. All of which are, without exception, fucking awful.

Right, it is now time for me to review the film itself, as much as I don’t want to. This is, as already discussed, a series of small individual stories tied together due to a spurious connection to New Year’s Eve. Most of these stories, incidentally, could take place on almost any night of the year, but that would miss the magic, I suppose. I’m going to review each segment individually, and then assemble my thoughts on the lot at the end. I’ll deal with them one by one, and this is spoiler heavy. As if that makes a difference. I’ll deal with the best bit of the film first.

Filling in your New Year’s resolutions.

Pointless Cameo: Jon Lithgow.

Michelle Pfeiffer is a secretary at the record label that forms part of the desperate attempt to tie the film together.

She’s given a shitty bonus (fucking lucky she got one, frankly) and then denied one week’s pre-booked holiday (this sounds more realistic) by dastardly Lithgow. She then quits, and hires delivery boy Zac Efron (at least I think it is, all these cunts look the same to me) who agrees to help her fulfil her utterly ludicrous list of unfinished resolutions in exchange for 4 tickets to the label’s party.

The solutions to the various resolutions are easily the best thing about this movie. However, movie gods dictate that THERE MUST BE CONFLICT. CONFLICT IS IMPORTANT. So, while walking all NY boroughs in one day, she overhears him (because he’s too stupid to use a mobile phone without holding it a foot from his face and screaming) talking about her to his dickhead hipster mate Kutcher (more on this cunt in a moment).

Obviously, they sort shit out and she completes her list.

This is comfortably and by a long fucking way the best section of the film. Annoyingly, if they’d thought about it properly, this could have been a witty and heart-warming feature length by itself. But they didn’t, so forget about it. Pfeiffer and Efron put in the two best performances of the film, being sympathetic and likeable (a unique achievement here) and it’s a crying shame that this bit is buried beneath the rest of it.

It still isn’t good enough to get a pass, but there are signs of some intelligence at work, and with a bit of finagling this could have been an actual passable date movie, as the solutions to her idiotic wish list are both surprising and clever (albeit one is contrived), and this is as close as the film gets to being acceptable. Unlike the next section:

The New Year’s Douche and the Fugly singing chick stuck in a lift.

Pointless cameo: Jim Belushi

Ashton Kutcher plays some cunt whose name I’ve forgotten. He’s one of the most obnoxious, pretentious, punchable hipster cunts that I’ve seen on screen in a while (since Scott Pilgrim, actually). He hates New Year’s Eve (understandable, for reasons laid out above), but instead of just avoiding it, like most sentient human beings, he runs around his apartment’s floor ripping other people’s decorations up. On the way to the bin, he’s caught in a lift with Lea Michele, a back-up singer (we’ll get to this in a moment) who somehow managed to get her face caught in the lift door on the way in. Alright, I’m being facetious, but she is goddamned fugly and fucking annoying to boot. Can she draw him out of his grinchy shell to love and revel in New Year’s Eve?

Course she can. First of all, she manages to work out that the cunt hates New Year’s Eve because he was dumped by his girlfriend on this day about 10 fucking years ago (what a pathetic dickhead), and secondly, she’s got the power of awful song. So, poor old Ashton is stuck in a lift with a chick with a face like a bulldog licking piss of a nettle who has to meet a contractual requirement by signing god-awful power ballad meets R n B claptrap at him. Obviously, she’s reluctant to do this, but is inspired by the mesh window covering and the ball dropping in Times Square so feels a need to share this with us. That was nice of her. In return, Ashton gives her a picture of a Robot he’s drawn (actually one of the most unintentionally funny moments in the film).

Eventually she gets out, and makes her way to Times Square to sing in Jensen’s (more on THIS MASSIVE CUNT in a moment), “One of the World’s hottest music stars” drivelly and painful New Year’s Eve concert. Except she’s dropped something, so Ashton, in his pyjamas , rushes to Times Square to see her agonising rendition of Auld Lang Syne. She’s so bad, actually, that if anyone could work out how to fit a dynamo to Rabbie Burns’ coffin then we could use the dead Scottish Alky’s revolving corpse to solve the energy crisis.

By the way, the only reason for the singing is that she was in Glee, and it’s for soundtrack sales. I fucking hate this shit.

Oh, and they fall in love. Obviously. Because they aren’t both hateful self-absorbed arseholes.

This, believe it or not, isn’t the worst section of this film. It’s close, because she’s meant to be all winsomely sweet and shit and isn’t, and the singing is fucking atrocious, but there’s far, far worse to come.

The Psychotic Breeding Competition.

Pointless Cameo Spot: Momma Astrodyke Carla Gugino. For fuck’s sake.

It’s New Year’s Eve, and someone who I’ve forgotten is running a competition with a cash prize for the baby born closest to 12am. On one hand, we’ve got the Byrne’s (Jessica Biel and Seth Meyers) and on the other the Schwab’s (Sarah Paulson and Til Schweiger, overacting horribly). They’re both desperate for the cash and so are attempting to bribe the physicians to perform a C-Section (Carla thankfully tells that Meyers cunt that he’s skirting a rectal exam if he keeps up like this) as close to midnight as possible.

THE RACE IS ON! WHICH NAUSEATING SET OF CUNTS WILL SPAWN CLOSEST TO THE MAGIC HOUR?

Obviously, there’s a strong rivalry at work here and it’s oh-so-fucking-funny watching Biel eat anchovies in an attempt to induce labour. Anyhoo, the couples hate each other, for some reason, until the magic of having your first child (and New Year’s Eve, natch) causes Meyers to be grateful for what he’s got in a not-at-all-contrived piece of writing and give up the prize to the Schwab’s because they need the money more.

This, actually, is a candidate for worst section. It’s not funny, all four characters are fucking awful cunts utterly undeserving of having children, Carla is utterly wasted as the obstetrician from hell (because she’s an idiot hippy) and the ending is so sick-making and predictable that I actually want to cut the writer’s ( Katherine Fugate) fingers off. Oh and there’s no point at all casting Sarah Paulson in this bit. You could pick any waitress in Hollywood and she’d give the same performance- I think the character only has one line, and isn’t even on camera for most of it.

However, despite it being absolutely awful and entirely humour free, this isn’t the worst story.

The dying old cunt waiting for his ball to drop.

Pointless Cameo: The Dread Pirate Roberts (Cary Elwes), Common (as the soldier)

Robert De Niro is dying. Well, he’s not, but this is his lowest moment since Rocky and Bullwinkle. He’s got terminal cancer, and has given up hope. All he wants is to relive some of his happiest moments by going up to the roof, in the freezing cold, and watching the ball drop.

Halle Berry is the poor bitch stuck with the thankless task of basically nodding sympathetically while this self-indulgent old cunt rattles on. Eventually his daughter (more on her in a second) turns up, they make up, go up to the roof to reminisce, then the old fuck croaks.

Halle goes home in her party dress and records an awful “I love you” message for her soldier boyfriend in Iraq.

This is very, very nearly the worst section. It tries hard to be, and watching a once great actor debase himself like this for a paycheck is painful for anyone with fond memories of his other roles. Halle’s message to her serving boyfriend is just the cherry on the shit sundae.

The Times Square fiasco.

Pointless Cameo (ready for this): Matthew Broderick, Alyssa Milano, utter cunt Ryan Seacrest, and others too many to mention.

Hilary Swank is vice chair something or other of the Times Square committee. Her entire responsibility is to make sure the ball goes up the pole and then comes down again. However, she fires head electrician Kaminski (Hector Elizondo) and the ball inevitably sticks half way up.

So, Hilary is called into action to give a speech explaining the meaning of New Year’s Eve to us. This, incidentally, is diabetes inducing horseshit of the worst sort, and insultingly, isn’t even the meaning of New Year’s Eve. It’s what that talentless writer wants the meaning of New Year’s Eve to be for the film.

Anyhoo, Hector comes back, removes all element of doubt by fixing the ball. She has a re-a-a-a-lly interesting conversation with Mr “Buellerston” played by Matthew Broderick (for shame), and then realises that there’s somewhere she needs to be for midnight. The film, incidentally, has been cock-teasing and making us think that she’s meeting up with Sam (more on this cunt in a moment). However, she’s not, she’s actually Bobby’s daughter and has to commit euthanasia by taking the old bugger up to the roof and allowing him to freeze to death while they reconnect. Anyhow, he croaks, and she gets taken by Alyssa Milano to look at babies, because it’s all about the circle of fucking life and whatnot.

This section is awful. Swank puts in probably the worst performance of the lot and it’s one phony tear-drop away from me smashing the laptop. However, believe it or not, this still isn’t the worst bit.

The International Cock Star who just wants to be loved.

Pointless Cameo: Sofia Vergara as ethnic stereotype number 1

It’s clearly time for me to introduce you to Jensen. Jensen is a rock colossus, standing astride the New Year’s festivities in Times Square with his cock out just waiting to fuck our fragile little minds.

Well, actually, he isn’t. He’s Bon Jovi without the mullet and Living on a Prayer (which makes him pointless).

Anyhow, he’s in love with the chef, who is played by the antichrist of Romantic Comedies: Katherine Heigl. She’s doing the catering for the worst music industry party in history, and he’s doing the singing.

But all is not well in the kitchen on this festive evening. No, apparently, Jensen (the cad) dumped the pan faced moaning bitch a year ago, and he’s realised he’s made a horrible mistake and dearly wants her back, because life as an international rock star isn’t fulfilling when he could be eating her cooking instead of banging groupies by the truckload and taking enough blow to make Tony Montana feel a bit queasy. Actually, this bit would be massively improved if Tony did pop out and start wasting people with his little friend.

Anyhow, blah fucking happens, and then Jensen and Chef realise they do love each other after all and she’ll give him another chance, which is partially induced by the fact that he got her this life changing gig doing the catering for an industry event. P.S. Fugu-poison-fish writer, I’ve been at countless music industry events and not once has anyone ever given a fuck about the catering, and if this is the biggest night of her career, why not have her ACTUALLY DO SOME FUCKING WORK RATHER THAN MOPE ABOUT LIKE A USELESS CUNT.

This is another candidate for worst bit of the film, the presence of Heigl practically demands it, but the cherry here is Vergara and Russell Peters who play insulting ethnic stereotype sous chef’s one and two. Peter’s Indian accent is one step below Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s Chinese one, and Vergara may be actually Latina, but that does not mean that it is ever acceptable to slather her fucking tongue in guacamole while she wonders around talking utter crap trying to star fuck Bon Jovi. Fucking awful.

Nevertheless, this still isn’t the worst bit.

The Besuited Music Industry Douchebag and the race to New York City.

Pointless Cameo: Yeardley Smith (for one).

Josh Duhamel is Sam. Sam is meant to be a big music industry heir studmuffin. Except he isn’t, because this isn’t that type of film. He’s actually, a moping, drippy, obnoxious dickhead of the highest calibre. He’s trapped at a wedding outside of New York, but has to make it back to the city in time to give a speech, and meet the love of his life at exactly midnight. Except he doesn’t know her name, and all he’s got is a fucking napkin (well-soiled by now, as he’s been using it for a cum rag for 12 months).

Anyway, he hitches a ride back to the city with Pastor Flynn and family, and tells the story to the accompaniment of Grandpa (Jack McGee) saying inappropriate stuff like “I could tap that ass” every 3 words.

He makes it back, obviously, and gives a hi-fucking-larious speech that inspires the female waiting staff to offer him a threesome, which he turns down because he has to go to the bistro to meet his one true love. Who is…

Not telling yet, because it’s in the next bit. However, this is a fucking awful segment performed with no interest by actors, particularly Smith, who can and frequently do do better. It still isn’t the worst bit though.

Ready…

The Kentucky Derby Winner and the Daughter on the Run.

Pointless Cameo: I do believe there isn’t one, because this bit isn’t worth it.

Abigail Breslin is Hailey. Hailey is 15 and has a case of hot pants, not to mention a horrendous social group. She wants to go out and par-fucking-tay on New Year’s Eve, but her relentlessly psychotic possessive mother, Kim, played by Sarah Jessica Parker, has the lamest New Year’s Eve ever planned out.

Clearly desperate to break out of the cycle of child abuse that she’s stuck in, she sneaks out of the window to go and meet her douchebag boyfriend and kiss him on the magic hour. Except, OH NO, she sees him making out with some other girl. Except it’s all OK, because he explains it to her afterwards and they share a tender kiss in a restaurant.

In the meantime, SJP learns a lesson about smothering her daughter through too much attention. Except she doesn’t, what she actually does is ditch her daughter to break into the theatre where she’s costume designer to steal a posh dress to go and meet her date at a certain place… Yup, it’s Sam, who apparently would rather turn down a threesome with two relatively attractive young women to go and pork an octogenarian shoe-fetishist with the personality of post-rabies Cujo. Good choice, man, well done.

This is the worst bit. The characters are hateful, the writing fluctuates between nauseating and contrived, and the performances are just truly dreadful, especially from Breslin who doesn’t seem to give a fuck. Furthermore, as is inevitable in any New York set film that casts Sarah Jessica Parker, there are multiple painfully unfunny and crow barred in jokes referring to shoes. Because Sex and the City is some kind of zombie monster that JUST WON’T FUCKING DIE no matter how hard you hit it.

Every time the film flipped round to this section, a bit of me died inside. It’s some achievement in a movie as obnoxious as this one for one section to stand head and shoulders above the rest in terms of misery induced, but thanks solely to the heinous presence of Sarah Jessica Parker, it somehow managed it.

______________________________________________________________

Overall, this is wank. Terrible, awful, painful wank. Think masturbation with sandpaper for an analogy. It’s unfocused, the link between the stories doesn’t function properly, most of the cast don’t give a fuck, there’s not one intentional funny joke, it misses being heart-warming by a country mile, and is instead just sickening, and I can honestly say that New Year’s Eve is legitimately one of the worst films of last year and one of the worst romantic comedies of all time. I can’t rate this low enough, but needless to say it can have an Orangutan of Doom, and I hope everyone involved in this shit develops a prolapsed rectum.

What’s especially galling is the Pfeiffer section, which had the potential to be so much better (and by that I mean mediocre), but instead it’s smothered under a whole farm’s worth of manure, and as a result utterly destroyed by the horror around it.

Finally, I bet you’re wondering who I blame for this fucking fiasco. Well, firstly, I obviously blame Droid. Secondly, I blame Richard Curtis. New Year’s Eve is another one of those Love, Actually glucose-sticky spunk fests that are made by people that hate cinema for people that hate cinema. This film is so clearly aimed at hard-of-thinking women that enduring it and its loathsome ilk isn’t so much a “date movie” as an exercise in screaming torture. Think Marathon Man, but you’re strapped in the fucking chair while the director, Garry Marshall, that cunt that made Runaway Bride (another awful movie) goes at your teeth without anaesthetic. The only way you can normally get me to watch one of these films is a Clockwork Orange style chair and eyelid clamp. Incidentally, I’m not convinced this shit is effective date movie material. Every woman that I’ve ever gone out with would not be inclined to put out just because I’d inflicted this crap on them, and a few would have been actively angry. I’m almost convinced that both sexes just want, you know, actual good movies, rather than exercises in phony manipulation attached to a woefully fake happy ending. But above all else, I blame my parents, because if they hadn’t raised me properly then I’d have reneged on my end of the agreement. Damn you, upbringing, damn you!

Incidentally, and this isn’t particularly relevant, what the fuck Is the point of making a film based around a significant date and then releasing it three weeks before the date? Also, it isn’t as if there’s any fucking competition around this time of year. The whole thing is so catastrophically stupid that it really is likely to induce a fucking stroke in me if I keep thinking about it.

Fuck this film,

Ciao,

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

265 responses to “Jarv gets Pissy at: New Year’s Eve (2011)”

  1. Droid says :

    hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe

    Now to read the review.

  2. Just Pillow Talk says :

    HAH!

    Oh, this is gold. I was actually wincing when I read this, oh my fucking god does this sound beyond hideous. I felt my balls begin to shrink after reading this. Fuck me, I’m glad this was you watching it and not me.

    Again, EXCELLENT work Droid.
    Where’s Bush with his “Mission Accomplished” banner?

  3. Droid says :

    I’m almost convinced that both sexes just want, you know, actual good movies, rather than exercises in phony manipulation attached to a woefully fake happy ending.

    Not necessarily true. Think Dirty Dancing or SATC. There’s a market for this garbage.

    Amusing review. It’s very satisfying after all the hard work I put in. And thank christ it’s as shit as I hoped.

    • Jarv says :

      Yes, but both SATC and Dirty Dancing aren’t Romantic Comedies. SATC was a cash in on the zeitgeist-y series, and about the friendship group, allegedly, and Dirty Dancing is a musical.

      Neither of them work the same way as this.

      • Droid says :

        No, but they are “exercises in phony manipulation attached to a woefully fake happy ending”. You’ve also got your Runaway Bride, Pretty Woman, anything with Meg Ryan in it not called When Harry Met Sally, all the Katherine Heigl movies (I would’ve just left it at calling her “the anti-christ”).

      • Droid says :

        And you’ve also got that Valentines Day movie, which I assume was a hit because they made this one. And Bridget Jones blah blah.

      • Droid says :

        AND shit like How To Make Me Want To Kill You in 10 Seconds, which women inexplicably love.

      • Jarv says :

        I know there’s a market for it, but these films are put out as “Date Movies” and to be honest, I can’t believe that women on a date would actually want to see this. I wonder if they go in groups and shit and egg each other on in the way that we do with boneheaded action and so forth.

        It’s basically the same hard-of-thinking cretins that support the likes of Twilight.

      • Droid says :

        I don’t really think so. Consider that One Day movie. To me, you and probably any other red blooded male it looks like complete shit on the ads. But not to women. Hell, even my missus went to see it with her friends. She admitted it was crap, but it still doesn’t change the fact that she voluntarily went because her friends were going. And yet she refuses to sit through Fast Five or Real Steel. Women are strange beings. What we really need is a series of automated responses to any given situation.

      • Jarv says :

        Hell, even my missus went to see it with her friends.

        That’s what I’m referring to. The specific “Date Movies” aren’t date movies, because women individually don’t watch them. Hell, We’re all in agreement that the Devil Wears Prada is crap, right? Mrs. Jarv went with a group of her friends, and admitted afterwards that it was fucking awful. Not to mention Eat, Shit, Die, which they’ve all read.

        What I mean is the Con Air factor- we all know it’s crap, and would say so afterwards, but if in a group and a choice between it and something like Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (my feelings for it notwithstanding) we’d go to Con Air.

        However, were I to go on a date, then I would not in a million years take a woman to, say, Conan. I believe these sort of things are the same in reverse.

        What we really need is a series of automated responses to any given situation.

        Didn’t someone write a book called The Game about that?

      • Jarv says :

        Proper Rom Com date movies are things like When Harry Met Sally,

      • Droid says :

        Of course! I knew some really smart bloke would have the answer to understanding women!

        I guess Date Movie is a bit of a misnomer, since no one really goes on dates to them. Date movies are probably more the (alleged) comedies like Bridesmaids and Horrible Bosses.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s what I was trying, and failing to get at.

        Dates are effectively auditions, and nobody wants to watch something that’s so obviously going to put the other sex off.

      • Droid says :

        There’s also the fact that nearly all rom-coms over the past 20 years are put up on an impossible pedestal of perfection. All the characters have unrealistic lives, usually glamorous, with weird, kooky but kind hearted friends and a nifty, seemingly cool job. No one’s ever a desk jockey, or a door man, or works behind the front counter at a gym. You know, normal boring jobs that 98% of the population have.

        It’s one of the reasons WHMS is one of the best romcoms. Although Harry has a cool job (I think he’s a sports writer or something.), most of the film is grounded in a somewhat plausible reality. All Harry and Sally do are bog standard things together. Go to the museum, go shopping, sit and watch movies. Their relationship is believable. Then you get shit like that Lindsey Lohan movie where she works in some seemingly glamorous job (when in reality she’s 19 and would be fetching coffee and entering data) and has all the luck and the Star Trek guy (new Kirk) is a struggling music promotor or manager or someshit (another seemingly cool job) and has all the bad luck but then something happens and it’s switched so he gets lucky and her perfect world falls apart and they come together and blah fucking blah. I watched a bunch of that shit on tv a while back. It’s just pathetic horseshit.

        Anyhoo, my point has been lost. It was that no one on a first, second or third date wants to go see a movie that glamourises meeting the perfect guy/girl and the wacky fun times they have overcombing obstacles to get together at the end because it’s true love. And then the lights come up and you look and sitting next to you is the normal person with the plain old boring everyday job, and the plain old boring everyday life.

      • Jarv says :

        Tell you what was especially bad for that:

        Going the Distance.

        Especially the end.

      • Droid says :

        Now, I kind of agree there. The one thing I didn’t like about that movie is the fact that he wouldn’t move to SF because of his job. I’ve been in that situation and I would’ve moved if I could’ve got a job as a janitor. Fuck it’s a temporary job, man. Get a fucking office job. You’re clearly qualified enough for that. Then try to get a job in the music biz. That way, you’re with your girl.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s another example of false conflict and a betrayal of the character. However, What was worse with that, was he was then able to ditch his job, and then instantly find a band to manage successfully to allow him to move to SF.

        So he leaves a great job, which he wasn’t willing to leave, for an utterly unlikely better job that allows him to move?

        Bullshit. Dreadful, clunky, awful, deus ex machina.

      • Droid says :

        Not really… If my memory serves, the band he ends up managing was with the label he worked for. But they were a cynical corporate company that were mismanaging them. And he knew a better way. Or someshit like that. And the ending is set like 6 months afterwards, so it’s not like “all of a sudden he got a job in SF.” He ended up in LA I think. And that’s another thing. It’s still, what… 3 hour drive between LA and SF? More? I don’t know. It’s still a long distance relationship.

        No, it’s not that he wouldn’t leave his job in NY. It’s that he would only go if he got a music industry job in SF.

      • Jarv says :

        You’re right. He went to LA.

        My bad. It’s still absolute bullshit.

      • Droid says :

        You know what would’ve been better and more realistic. If he’d gone to SF, got a shitty job for the interim but couldn’t find a good job. And after a while he gets bitter and it effects the relationship. There’s the “conflict”, and it’s actually believable.

      • Jarv says :

        I really, really disliked that film, and almost all for the last third.

        I agree with you about that idea. He gets some shitty data entry job while being turned down by every label, studio and promotion company in the city.

        There’s your film.

      • Droid says :

        I actually really liked it. Apart from that of course.

      • Jarv says :

        Talking about One Day, I’ve read the book.

        No matter how bad you think the trailer is, One Day is worse. And that isn’t a date movie- it’s a weepie, like Beaches.

        No man should have to watch that, ever.

      • Droid says :

        But it’s a romance too isn’t it? A will they/won’t they Ross and Rachel thing?

      • Jarv says :

        That’s how it’s being marketed, but it isn’t really.

        It’s about two fucking heinous twats that take an age to hook up and then in a savage act of hilarious and utterly gratuitous cruelty, she’s aced about 2/3 of the way through.

        Think Love Story.

      • Droid says :

        Does she die? I thought he gets hit by a car.

      • Jarv says :

        Yes, that’s why I said “aced”. She’s killed rather than dying of cancer.

        Same principal though.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        Yeah, Mrs. Pillow likes those Bridget Jones flicks, along with most Julia Roberts movies.

        It’s really a toss-up between Heigl and Kate Hudson as the anti-christ, though I actually think Heigl is worst.

      • Droid says :

        Heigl doesn’t have an Almost Famous to her name. For her sins, at least Hudson has that.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        No, you’re right. And even though Hudson has churned out more rom-coms, I haven’t seen any of her movies in a while, whereas Heigl I have.

        27 Dresses, The Ugly Truth…oh fuck those are painful movies.

      • Jarv says :

        Heigl’s worse.

        Not only is there the almost famous factor, but she’s a pan-faced dog with an expression akin to sucking lemons and a voice that strips paint.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        Oh, I can’t argue with the voice. Definitely the most aggravating aspect of her shit acting career. What fucking guy would fall head over heels with that? Seriously, putting aside looks, just the way she talks would make one want to jab a spoon into one’s ears to make the pain stop.

  4. Jarv says :

    One thing I didn’t make clear particularly is that one of the weird things about this film is that every part, no matter how minor has someone recognisable in it.

    For example, Belushi has 1 line- he’s the super that opens the lift. Lithgow has about 3 and so forth.

    Not one of these cameos adds anything. it’s almost as bad as the first Harry Potter film, and a pointless exercise in Actor Bingo.

  5. Echo the Bunnyman says :

    Jarv, great review. One of my favorites, partially because it so keenly captures your suffering…I love the ‘and you may think this is the worst story but’ device. And it’s completely true.

    If I hadn’t seen this abomination myself I probably would think you were slightly exaggerating for dramatic effect, but you aren’t. If anything your descriptions are relatively tame compared to how it all plays out. The fact this thing didn’t hit the very top of my worst of year list just emphasizes how much I hated Sucker Punch and Melt with You.

    I am glad, though, that you mentioned the Pfeiffer storyline as having potential. I felt the same way, in fact, I thought that if that had been the whole movie, with a better writer and banishing false crisis, then there could have been a ‘nice’ little movie called New Year’s Eve that people would still be talking about after New Year’s. All the worse that it’s been clipped, crapped on and then jammed into this hoary beast.

    I remember the Deniro snippet as the worst—I contend he’s never ever been more embarassing on-screen, even in the Focker movies or Hide and Seek—and I actually, mercifully forgot those threads involving Mr. Ed and Swank.

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      “banishing false crisis”

      Well, then it wouldn’t be a rom-com movie.

      I think even Mrs. Pillow is finally get tired of this as well.

      • Jarv says :

        The False Conflict in this is an absolute beaut as well.

        It’s so contrived as he basically calls her pathetic to her face in a way that no human being would. Awful.

    • Jarv says :

      There’s a bit with the pfeiffer storyline early on where they’re taking a boat ride and the camera pans out to see “river taxi” on it, and the resolution is to get a NY taxi with an empty path. It works an absolute treat, and it is this bit I was thinking of.

      But instead, they fuck off to follow Swank around doing fuck all apart from being a cow.

      It’s also so unbalanced. Almost all the pfeiffer stuff comes in the first third, then there’s naff all until the very end.

      De Niro’s bit was fucking horrible, don’t get me wrong, but SJP’s is worse, purely for Breslin’s tender kiss with the boy roughly 3 seconds after he got off with the other girl, not to mention the fucking stalking mother thing.

      Sucker Punch is worse. Just.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        yea, deciding worst –aside from the Pfeiffer bit, which isn’t good but shows promise– is basically like sifting through crap to see which has the biggest corn kernel. It’s futile.

        Plus, the fact they all exist together, hastily shoved into one another like a turducken from hell, makes them some kind of romcom Voltron–an unstoppable machine that is the awful sum of its awful parts.

      • Jarv says :

        You can see flashes with the pfeiffer storyline where it almost breaks into mediocre.

        What it is is graffiti. SOmeone does a mural, and it isn’t great, but you can see what they were trying for. Someone else walks along and then tags it with spray paint. Someone else comes along and adds to it and so forth until you’re left with a migraine inducing mess which you can still see flashes of the original mural beneath.

        Although I prefer your Voltron thing.

      • Jarv says :

        Oh, and Swank is fucking awful in this. It’s hard to believe that she ever won an Oscar.

      • Jarv says :

        The other thing is, that you can make a case for almost every Non-Pfeiffer section being the worst.

        For example, when Biel reaches in to her own pants to check that her waters have broken is particularly foul, and the whole charm school exchange is awful. Or Swank standing on the podium saying “This symbolises our need to take stock”, or The tow truck with Sam, or throwing eggs at Jensen’s poster, and so forth.

        Christ, there’s barely anything not terrible in it.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        see, I think of those ‘Paris Je Taime’ and New York I Love You’ movies as the grafitti, where all these different artists show up and doodle their bit, and reliably, get further out there and more off-base as it goes along. Also, they know it’s just a wall they are drawing on, so it inevitably doesnt resemble their work and their purpose for showing up is null.

        New Years Eve is a Voltron, because it doesn’t seem random or incidental or free-style at all. It’s been tweaked and tugged and engineered to be every bit as smug, cloying and damnable as it is. Every piece designed to do damage separately, and then together. Only thing is they think it’s some emotionally disarming hug of a chick flick.

        But not to us. To us it is the beast.

      • Jarv says :

        But not to us. To us it is the beast.

        In this case, it fits perfectly: “It’s name is Legion for it is many”.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I know…I was sitting here writing my Devil Inside review and I couldnt resist.

      • Jarv says :

        Which reminds me.

        Your Highness is about a million times better than The Change Up. Seriously.

      • Droid says :

        I agree. The Change Up might even get an Orang of Doom from me. I hated it.

      • Droid says :

        And I didn’t even like YH. Apart from the midgets hanging McBride thing at the beginning.

      • Jarv says :

        I was meh with YH. Laughed a lot more than I thought I was going to, but it grew fucking tiresome.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Like Droid says, apart from the midget bit, I don’t recall laughing much at all. I remember thinking it was oddly beautiful in its cinematography but wretched in everything else, particularly Deschanel.

      • Jarv says :

        Deschanel was terrible, but I did laugh at shit like the old paedo magician and smoking pot to find the answer.

        The minotaur dong was a terrible idea, and painfully unfunny. As was the villain.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        See, the old paedo magician is exactly part of what turned me off that. It’s a muppet, haha, funny, it’s smoking a bong, ok. It wasn’t necessary or humorous to make references to it molesting Franco. I honestly thought that was a bit tasteless and didn’t really belong. I also have a hard time believing that the David Gordon Green that did Undertow was actually even on set the day they filmed that scene.

      • Jarv says :

        The molestation was too far, I was thinking about the smoking pot bit.

      • Droid says :

        Yep. I hated that scene. Painfully unfunny and in extremely bad taste. I honestly can’t think of much more than the midgets that the film has going for it. Maybe the shots of Portmans ass?

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        yea, you just mentioned the only thing I was going to counter with. Well that and those shots of McBride smirking in the background at the thought of getting paid for this.

        McBride does a good smirk.

      • Jarv says :

        Even given that, you have no idea of the horror of the Change-Up.

        Seriously, Bateman runs out naked with a mirror between his legs shouting “I HAVE FRECKLES ON MY TAINT”.

      • Droid says :

        Pissing in front of a crowd of people, half of them little kids. The projectile poo in the face. The nearly full term pregnant chick. The sexy, slow motion walk to the thunderdome. I didn’t even find that Lorno thing funny. And Craig Bierko has gotten fat!

      • Jarv says :

        The catholic schoolgirl analogy, the babies with the sharp knives and the blender, shaving the balls, the electrocution with the dildo story, Reynolds’ character’s daddy issues, the fact that these two people would never be friends to begin with.

        Crap.

      • Droid says :

        And the biggest thing for me is that I didn’t believe that movie. I never once believed that these were two different people. Neither had distinct personalities. The only difference seemed to be one swore a bit more than the other.

        Complete shit.

      • Jarv says :

        One was a bit mankier than the other, that’s it. Nobody believed that Bateman was a high-flying lawyer etc.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        so, an honest question, was there a good R-rated comedy this year? None are coming to mind. In fact, one of the only comedies I can think of enjoying was Crazy Stupid Love and it was PG-13.

        I’m sure there must be something, but damned if I can think of it. Tucker and Dale I guess, but that’s different.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I didnt really like Paul.

      • Jarv says :

        Comedy really is in the shitter. Worse even than horror.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        far worse, because as I pointed out yesterday, if you look you can find good horror. I cant find much good comedy anywhere.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m sure there must have been something.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        movie that gave me most laughs this year was The Muppets..

      • Jarv says :

        Goddamnit.

        I can’t think of any that were better than meh.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah I agree Kung Fu Panda 2 was the funniest movie of the year.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        You know, I didnt actually laugh a ton at KFP2. You know I loved it, but the comedy seemed more muted this time.

      • koutchboom says :

        Well it’s got the most memorable comedy bit out of any film this year. The scene where he’s yelling and Sir Oldman can’t hear him. That may be the only funny part in the movie…still funnier than anything I saw this year, besides the unintentional stuff like the fire ball of doom deaths of dads.

        OH yeah Kung Fu Panda 2 and How To Train Your Dragon….DADDY ISSUES! I will give Pixar this, they haven’t made a daddy issue film which is sort of interesting because I could see POSSIBLY a lot of guys there having pa pa issues….wait Ratatouillie. Ok other than that. But thats like the ultimate dork daddy issue “Dad I wanna have this fancy nice job, I don’t want to be blue collar like you and the rest of the family my hands are too soft.”

      • Droid says :

        I don’t find either KFP funny.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I did like those bits..sort of made Po more like a big furry Jack Burton

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        The Trip was funny, but even if it would have been rated R, it wasn’t becauseof any edginess.

        My point is that for me, the raunch approach is killing comedy. People aren’t required to be witty.

      • Droid says :

        I was thinking about Real Steel this morning, and it occured to me. One of the most refreshing things about it, is that there is no gross out comedy. It’s a kid friendly film where the robot doesn’t take a piss, or hump a fire hydrant. It’s totally gross out comedy free.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Well, look at the whole year really. Scorsese makes a PG movie and it’s the best thing he’s done in over a decade (queue Koutch with ‘BWAHAHAA’). Allen went PG for Midnight, and the funniest, smartest comedy of the year was The Artist and it could have been G.

        Take out the violence in Tucker and Dale–which is necessary for the goofiness–and that too is devoid of additional gross-out frat humor, despite featuring actual frat boys in the story.

        I think everyone is slowly waking up from the fanboy geek lie that ‘if it doesnt get an R rating, it has no balls.’

        Best action movies of the year: Fast Five, Real Steel, MI4, Rise. All PG-13.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah but White Collar Series Finale the movie should have been R. Those movies are always funner when they are R. Just cause.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah but……he does break dance.

      • Jarv says :

        Me too, and it’s seeped into non-comedy films. That fucking robot humping Megan Fox’s leg in Transformers 2.

      • Droid says :

        I liked Paul.

        Going through my list of movies I’ve seen. Good non action/horror movies that are comedic? (none are really a flat out comedy)

        50/50, Crazy, Stupid, Love, Paul, The Guard, Beginners.

        Bad?

        Arthur, Bad Teacher, Bridesmaids, Burke and Hare, Hall Pass, Horrible Bosses, Take Me Home Tonight, The Change-Up, Your Highness

      • Jarv says :

        Burke and Hare was 2010, I think.

        I’d orangutan Bad Teacher. Fucking hated every minute of it. That’s also worse than Your Highness.

      • Droid says :

        It’s on the 2011 wiki list. Either way, it’s a shit film.

      • Jarv says :

        Stand corrected. Released a year later in the US.

        Whatever happened to Landis? He’s heading towards Carpenter and Argento territory.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Burke and Hare was complete garbage. Serkis and Pegg and they were completely boring. The real alarming thing is that the directon was 80% the problem. I would have never guessed Landis, and only a complete amateur would set the end credits to The Proclaimers.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Also, Landis fell apart long before Carpenter and Argento, and harder.

      • Jarv says :

        I like Innocent Blood a lot, and that was 1990ish. About the same time as Carpenter started to go wrong.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        with Carpenter, the last of his I liked was Mouth of Madness in 1995. Although I did enjoy parts of Escape L.A. which was 96. Landis had The Stupids in 96.

      • Jarv says :

        Escape from LA is fucking garbage.

      • Droid says :

        Escape from LA is great fun.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        It was fun, Droid, but I went in expecting much more in 96. L.A. was more like a remake/spoof of the original. Sort of like it’s Evil Dead 2 to the original Evil Dead. Although, I didn’t feel like it lifted the character to another place in the same way ED2 highlighted Ash in a way ED1 didn’t quite. I like it, but didn’t love it. In between that and Mouth, there was Village of the Damned, which was lame-o. After Escape, there was Vampires—sucktastic—and what was next—was it Ghosts of Mars? And then Mori’s crap MOH eps, and The Ward, which felt like low-rent R.L. Stine. Am I missing one?

      • Droid says :

        I liked that LA was more of a spoof than just another sequel. There really isn’t much more to make from the original concept. So making it a goofy comedy worked for me.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        It is, more or less. I like it much more now than when I first saw it. I wanted a new Plissken adventure, and Carpenter was in goof around mode.

        I own it and watch it from time to time. The surf scene and the surgeon general of Los Angeles are hilarious.

      • Jarv says :

        I haven’t seen it in 10 years, because I Remember hating so much of it.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Also, with Plisken, I think there’s not much you could do with another ‘Escape’ but the character was gold, and you could have sent hm on a completely different kind of adventure. That would have been the way to go.

      • Droid says :

        Yeah then it would have been another Riddick style crapfest.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        not necessarily. To say that assumes that the reason that COR didnt work is because it veered from the plot/format of PB. The reality is that it chose poor villains with a vague mythology, it expanded its scope too far, and it was too ambitious for its budget.

        Carpenter could have told another reasonably scaled story in a different venue or setting.

      • Jarv says :

        Except Riddick was Awesome and ELA is shit.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I didnt think Riddick was awesome, but I enjoyed it much more than Escape LA.

      • koutchboom says :

        I do need to rewatch both of those. The dumbest thing in LA is the fucking 20 minute Baseketball scene, don’t know what that was all about.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        the basketball scene is there to remake the pit fight scene in the original, except it doesn’t work and just goes on for a long, long time.

      • koutchboom says :

        You know having watched a bunch of Carpenter lately. Your gonna disagree but his BEST…now I’m just saying like best as in easily accessible, flows the best, best pacing/acting/score/fx/story movie may be Memories of an Invisible Man. It’s probably his easiest film, but there are always pacing issues with John’s films almost like he’s not even fully invested in the idea, where as Memories doesn’t have that issue. It’s sort of generic but it’s fun and lite, WHICH in some minds may also make it one of John’s worst films. Either way it’s one of Chevy’s best.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        never saw Memories of an Invisible Man. Sounds like a lost film.

        I did see some presumably half-assed remake someone did of his called Memoirs of an Invisible Man, and it was pretty meh. In fact, whoever made it came off like a poor man’s Carpenter.

      • koutchboom says :

        I watched it yesterday. It’s pretty fun. Did you catch the White Collar Series Finale movie?

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        is it really called that, or that code for another movie?

        I honestly haven’t seen Memoirs in years. I remember finding out much later it was John Carpenter and being surprised.

      • koutchboom says :

        I don’t remember the actual name but it stared the bad guy from Die Hard 2 and the Avatar guy.

      • Droid says :

        Man on a Ledge is the White Collar movie, I’m assuming.

      • koutchboom says :

        Ohhhh yes I used the wrong meme word. Yeah it holds up amazingly well. I saw it years ago and like most Carpenter films I forgot about it like an hour later. I think because of the lack of Drama in his films they have a tendency to sort of just come and go. Probably why I can watch his movies over and over and never remember having seen them.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Really? I think Halloween, Big Trouble, The Thing, Escape NY are quite memorable. Even second tier stuff like They Live and Starman are unique and stick with me.

      • koutchboom says :

        See I’ve seen The Thing and Escape several times and each time it’s like watching it brand new? And they progressively get more boring on each viewing? Invisible Man is much better than They Live, I watched that last week. What did surprise me was how good The Fog was, that may be his best looking film, could just be the pretty setting but it’s still an effective horror film. Big Trouble is pretty good, it’s unique for sure but I saw it a couple months ago and couldn’t begin to explain the plot to you. Halloween I need to rewatch still.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Ok, wow, that was sort of obscure even for you.

        Man on A Ledge was fun. I liked it. Nifty little B-movie premise with some A-list work behind it. PG-13 was fine for it though. Don’t see what R would have added.

        You know, given that I’ve seen about 2/3rds of what’s being released this January, I can say that the year is off to a good start. Maybe better than in 2010.

      • koutchboom says :

        Do you watch White Collar? They do Man on a Ledge pretty much every other week. The movies fine but with that show around it’s fucking pointless…and that’s why they should’ve gone R, also those films are only really made for adults or movie dorks anyway. I don’t see too many 13-18 year kids going “MAN MAN ON A LEDGE LOOKS FUCKING AWESOME!” I wonder since they ended up getting that Avatar Guy with the ever growing Mel Gibson looking hairdo as the lead, they thought it would attract kids? But in terms of other movies like that recently, Law Abiding Citizen, Inside Man, Phone Booth, all of those are better than it and I THINK they are all R, lemme check on LAC.

      • Droid says :

        LAC is. It’s actually quite violent in places.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah it’s R, I knew it was fairly violent and it surprised me watching it but I knew they were also pretty coy with the violence. Now I’m not saying Neal Caffrey on a Ledge needed to be more violent….maybe more smarter? IDK. It’s a fine time waster, I wouldn’t pay money to see it, unless you are a fan of the Mel Gibson style mullet/quaff. Like watching the movie I’m like…ok we’ve all seen this movie 100 times SOOO what does this movie do differently, what characters does it have to make it memorable. Because you know at the end it’s going to be some bizarrely ridiculous plot that never in a gazillion years would work or make sense but CAN THEY MAKE IT FUN. And I think really with White Collar this sort of situation/idea wasn’t much better than something you would’ve seen in that TV show, fuck it’s even shot the same way that shot is. And they try to add in lite humor like that show likes to do.

      • Droid says :

        I like White Collar quite a lot. And I haven’t seen MoaL, but I want to. And I can’t imagine sitting their thinking “this is White Collar: The Motion Picture”. I don’t really think like that.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah I wasn’t sitting there thinking that. But after the fact I was like…eh why was that whole thing so lack luster? And I realized the whole situation was a scenario out of White Collar. Replace Sam with Neal, that once up and coming famous chick with Peter, Tin Tin with Mozzie and some random Neal bitch with him and BAM White Collar season/series finale right there. Sure the back story would have to be mildly reshaped to fit his character more. But come on, half the time Neal is proving that he’s an innocent man by staging a heist or cover up.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        No I havent seen more than an ep of White Collar which is why I didnt guess it.

        Again though, there’s the assumption that R rating equals ‘for adults’. Most adults I know who go to the movies don’t go based on the ratings, but on what they are interested in. In fact, 9 times out of ten, they come wondering why there was so much immature BS in them or excessive violence.

        30 and below are seemingly the only ones clamoring for R ratings when they aren’t necessary.

        I liked Man on Ledge better than those movies you mentioned.

      • koutchboom says :

        I may have liked Man On a Ledge Better than Inside Man, but the hook in that movie is better. It’s no way anywhere as good as Phone Booth. LAC ehhhh 50/50 split on that, that movies hook again was better. I mean I KNOW with Ledge the only way they could have gotten the R was to throw in a lot more fucks, but eh come on in that situation people are saying fuck a lot. Maybe they just need to allow FUCKS into PG-13’s and be done with it, it’s silly to think cuss words still mean something.

      • Droid says :

        I don’t really like Phone Booth very much. It’s okay, but it got so fucking melodramatic towards the end. And the whole “teach a bad man a lesson” thing was crappy.

        I liked Inside Man, but have mostly forgotten it. And LAC is absurd, but I enjoyed it on a dumbhouse level and Butler was a lot of fun.

      • koutchboom says :

        Well Man On Ledge fits in well with all those…but for cool teens. God some guy brought like 2-3 of his fucking less than 5 year old kids to the movie and I was like?????? Why bother? I mean you know you are going to spend more time dicking with your kids that you won’t even enjoy the movie? Fucking free screenings the bane of society.

      • Droid says :

        HA! You’re complaining about free screenings?

      • koutchboom says :

        I’ve always complained about free screenings? I hate them. I feel like the studios should just fucking get rid of them all together, and critic screenings fuck them as well. Make everyone pay. I only went last night because it was at the closer theater and I didn’t think Man was going to be worth paying for. I’m in between jobs at the moment so we aint got much cash to blow through so it was something to do.

        I wouldn’t care if it wasn’t so free loader heavy. I mean you go to these things and THEY ARE as how Jarv views America. And the fact that people only go because it’s free is sad, I know I’m a worthless judge in that idea because I’d been deciding TO GO TO movies since I was like five, but it always boggles my fucking mind that people in this day of age still just fucking SHOW UP to a theater and figure it out from there as to what they will see.

      • Jarv says :

        I like America as a rule.

      • Droid says :

        You’re in between jobs? What happened to your last one? Weren’t you going for a shiny new one?

      • koutchboom says :

        It was a temp job, I got hired on full time with them but they got some fucked up weird hiring process and I’m off for pretty much the whole month.

      • Droid says :

        Ah, okay. So you’re just bumming around eating cheetos and scamming tickets to free movie screenings eh?

      • koutchboom says :

        Well I did buy a new car? Also I gave up cheetoes after 9/11 brah. I’m all about the Kashi now.

      • Jarv says :

        I’ve never even heard of that before. Do they pay you for this month, and if not what the hell are you to do, because you can’t commit to anything else in that time.

        P.S. because it’s appropriate: 2012= YEAR OF NEW JOB.

      • koutchboom says :

        No I’m not getting paid, wife makes more than enough to support us.

      • Jarv says :

        Fair enough. So, when do you start properly?

      • Jarv says :

        This gives you a great chance to catch up on your comedy. I hear Paul Blart Mall Cop is really good.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        ‘Im not saying MOAL is a great movie. It’s not, just a reasonably fun one. It’s just I don’t rate any of those other movies you mentioned. Inside Man was ok at best but not very good, Phone Booth started alright but nosedived wildly, and LAC has an interesting idea that gets totally demolished through the course of it. On my most generous day none of those would get over a 2.

        I’d go 2.5 on MOAL. It’s very consistent from beginning to end. Like Tower Heist, I enjoyed it for what it was.

      • Droid says :

        I’d give LAC 2.5. It was fun. I’d probably end up giving PB 1. Didn’t work for me. Not sure about IM. I’d have to watch it again.

      • Jarv says :

        I’d give both 2.

        For me, the biggest weakness in Phone Booth is that he hasn’t actually done anything.

      • Droid says :

        Wasn’t he boning someone else? Or was he just trying to?

      • Jarv says :

        No, he was a charlatan and just talked a lot on the phone to her. He hadn’t even committed the affair. He was just a pathetic little dickless tool.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah I agree with that. I liked Heist better and yeah I’d probably rate Man/Man/LAC the same with Phone Booth a chang above them. But when it comes down to it Ledge offers the least new out of all of them and because I do watch White Collar it suffers greatly. The audience enjoyed it fine. I hope it fails at the box office though, going up against The Grey? Dumb move.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        MOAL has got nothing on The Grey. And you are right, it offers nothing new but its a good time.

        K, if you send me your address, I’ll get you caught up on some of the horror and indie stuff. Innkeepers, Kill List, etc.

        He’s right about the average screening for public. It’s a wild circus. I know I’ve told the story before about the woman shitting her pants in PA3. Last one I was at some young woman was trying to drive off a presumable paedo who kept sitting there talking to she and her two under-8-yr-old children about how he used to sneak into 3D porn movies as a wee lad.

      • Droid says :

        So that’s why Koutch is such a big fan of 3D. They remind him of being a wee lad.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I somehow knew that was coming.

        Worst part, it was at the second Tintin screening. I noted the other day that Tintin is the new current record holder for my seeing a film in theaters at 4 times. Well, once wasn’t really a theater so I guess it’s just 3, which I still think is a record.

      • Droid says :

        I saw Species 3 times.

        Ah, to be 17 again.

      • Droid says :

        Actually, I was still 16.

      • koutchboom says :

        I saw Deep Blue Sea like 8 times in theaters. But I lived above a theater that summer and it was free so I saw a lot of movies multiple times that summer.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I saw The Relic twice in theaters. What a fun movie.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I used to try and see movies multiple times when I was younger, but didn’t usually have the cash with so many other things coming out.

        I saw Fifth Element twice, and prolly would have again but it was gone from theaters after about a month or so.

        Fellowship of the Ring, now as I recall, is the leader with four times in the theater.

        I somehow managed to see Dark City thrice in it’s very very little run back in 98.

      • Droid says :

        You sat through Fellowship 4 times? Bleurgh. I like the film but that’s overkill.

        I used to see some films more than once. The price of tickets crashed in the mid-90’s when the cinema chains had a price war. They went down to like $3, from $8. So we went hog wild. Hence Species 3 times. Also saw A Bugs Life 3 times. Twice because I loved it, and the third time because they changed the end credits outtakes. I love that movie.

      • Droid says :

        I just don’t have the time to see a movie twice nowadays. I saw Tintin twice, because it was on immediately after something else, so I went for it. But I don’t see everything I want once, let alone seeing a movie twice.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah Bugs Life doesn’t get the respect it deserves.

      • Droid says :

        Tuck and Roll are still my favourite Pixar characters. They just make me piss myself.

      • Jarv says :

        I like them as well. However, the reason Bug’s Life doesn’t get the respect other Pixar gets is that it was overshadowed by Antz on release, and more importantly, it’s the least original Pixar out there, the villain was lame and so forth.

      • Droid says :

        A Bugs Life is shitloads better than Antz. Antz was just a Woody Allen in animated form movie. I don’t hate it, but it’s not that good. It’s like Bee Movie. That’s just a Jerry Seinfeld in animated form movie.

        I like the villain in A Bugs Life. And it’s charming as hell. Antz was just a myopia of celebrity voices. It wasn’t very clever, or witty. A Bugs Life had that in spades. And it featured actual characters.

      • Jarv says :

        I know, I way prefer Bug’s Life to Antz. However, Antz came out first and stole the march on bug’s life.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah I like Antz a lot its one of the top five dream works maybe but Bugs Life destroys it. I like Spacey as the villain he’s one of Pixar’s best.

      • Jarv says :

        I ended up seeing The Full Monty about 5 fucking times in the cinema. Grew to hate it by the fourth.

        The third time was a date, and I got some action, else I’d probably have hated it by then.

      • Jarv says :

        *Takes high road*

        What sort of degenerate would want to watch 3D porn.

        Seriously?

        Yuck

      • Droid says :

        The high road’s a lonely old place, eh?

      • Jarv says :

        I don’t like it up here.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        apparently the same kind that wants to stand around at a 10:00 am Sat morning screening and talk to kids about it.

      • Droid says :

        I recalled enjoying Memoirs of an Invisible Man, so I watched it again a couple of years ago. Apart from the nifty special effects, the movie doesn’t work at all.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Bam! There ya go: The Guard and 50/50. Although neither are funny for any R-rated reason really. Most of the rating comes from the fact Gleeson is a hedonistic foul-mouth who uses the f-word as a conjunction and in 5050 it’s similar, with Levitt and Rogen using mostly drugs and language to get that rating.

        My point is that it’s time to retire the raunch for raunch sake gimmick.

        I liked Beginners, but I think of that as more of a gentle family drama. I think it was PG-13 too.

      • Jarv says :

        Even here in something as nauseatingly saccharine as NYE, there’s Gross out intruding a touch- all in the Biel section.

      • Droid says :

        Gleason is also cheerfully racist, but in such a way that it’s more like a challenge to Cheadle. To see how he reacts. Like he’s testing him. That’s a good film.

        50/50, for the most part, just talks like two best mates. I’m not sure two males would discuss one of them not having sex with their girlfriend because she’s on her period, but otherwise it’s realistic. Another good film.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        yea, the racism too. My thing is Guard and 5050 are what they are. Even if someone had caused them to tone down, they would have found a way to get the characters through, and it’s down to the characters that the films are funny.

        Take out the R rated parts of any of the ‘comedies’ we mentioned and they look like the toothless old bags they really are.

      • Droid says :

        The thing is, about the racism, is that it has a point. It’s not “Gleason says wildly inappropriate things to get some laughs”. It’s specifically designed as a way of developing the relationship between the two characters.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        that’s what I mean. It was developed as part of the characters, organically. If they had to clip the words, they would have still included it in other ways.

      • Droid says :

        Yeah, Beginners wasn’t a full on comedy. But it was quietly funny in places.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        It was certainly funnier than Horrible Bosses, Bad Teacher, Hall Pass, Your Highness, Take Me Home, etc.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Also, Midnight in Paris fits in there. More charming maybe then full-on hilarious, it was also funnier than those mentioned movies.

      • Droid says :

        Definitely. I found it a touch too whimsical for my tastes, but still miles better than those comedies you mentioned.

      • Droid says :

        It’s funny. After the critical nut rubbing MIP got, I don’t really see it on many best of 2011 lists.

      • Droid says :

        Did you have it on your list Jonah?

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I’ve seen it on quite a few, but I suspect it’s not as much because it was released last spring and its a a quieter gentler movie than the likes of Drive or Shame or something. Had The Artist been released last April, I think it would be recognized but not the way it’s being licked up and down right now, because it opened in most places just two or three weeks ago.

        MIP was number 9 on my list, althouh numbers really don’t matter much with this year’s list. I probably could have announced them all a tie and been perfectly happy with that. I enjoyed it too an extra bit because of my lit studies back in the day. I actually see it as a pretty niche film, which surprised me to see so many loving it unabashedly. I think it’s the feel of the movie though. Its wistful, romantic, dreamy. People have been gravitating towards that sort of thing lately.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m being dense here. MIP?

      • Jarv says :

        Midnight in Paris.

        Never mind. I’ve seen it on a few as well.

      • Droid says :

        I’m thinking of just doing the three best, and the rest Top 10. Can’t really separate the movies that are in the two sections.

      • Jarv says :

        I was just about to say “but XXXX was funny” and then I stopped because I couldn’t think of what I was going to say.

        I’m sure McBride’s squire was funny on occasion, but I can’t think with what.

      • Droid says :

        He has some line when he’s jacking off and Portman comes in. Something like “I was just about to finish thinking of you.” I did chuckle at that.

      • Jarv says :

        The odd use of Modern Swearwords in Olde English style speech was reasonably funny on occasion.

      • Droid says :

        I like McBride. He’s going to burn in hell, because the only explanation is that he sold his soul to get the amount of success he’s had, but for my sins, I find him funny. But not in this.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I have no doubt however that Change-Up is worse.

      • tombando says :

        I actually like Antz fine, but Bugs Life is much better. It rarely gets its due whenever Pixars greatest hits are mentioned, but its really quite good. I found that I couldnt make it all the way thru either Ratatooey or Wally, not so much that they sucked as the interest level just wasnt there.

        Plus Bugs life had Roddy, dr Smith and Phyllis Diller, it was fun hearing all of them. Roddy M makes everything better.

  6. Echo the Bunnyman says :

    the baby race, in concept, is probably the most loathsome thing, it’s just that some parts are actually executed worse.

    • Jarv says :

      The baby race is horrendous. Awful. However, Biel puts in a reasonably good performance, as does Gugino, which just saves it.

      Halle’s message to her boyfriend is fucking nauseating as well.

      • Jarv says :

        Worst piece of dialogue in a film full of awful dialogue is in the Sam Section:

        “give Kisses to the Missus”.

        Fuck me. That’s Juno level bed.

  7. Droid says :

    Not having seen it, but going on assumption, the Pfeiffer and Efron sequence also probably comes up the best because out of all the people in the movie, they’re up there with the best. Pfeiffer especially, but I’ve seen that Efron kid in 17 Again and he was actually pretty good.

    • Jarv says :

      It’s a number of things, actually. Pfeiffer is appropriately cast and puts in the best performance in the film. It isn’t as openly manipulative as the other non-romantic bits (See De Niro), it actually has moments of cleverness in it and so forth, and it almost seems to have a bit of a heart.

      Efron is far and away the most likeable male character in the film.

      • Jarv says :

        But having said that- it still isn’t good.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        If you are referring to my worst movies list, here’s an easy explanation. I mercifully never saw The Change-Up. I couldnt go so sent a co-worker and they came back and reported. Same way with Hangover II. After Hall Pass I’ve been wary of the genre, and Your Highness just seemed like such a waste when it should have been quite funny. It’s a mix of the potential and the result that land it on there.

      • Jarv says :

        I feel you should remedy that and watch The Change Up.

        I very, very nearly turned it off at the bit with whatshername walking around in slo-mo getting naked before taking the mother of all dumps. Or the pregnant chick sex.

        Fucking horrible film, I’d go very, very close to an Orang as well. I think it would be saved by the “lorno” sequence.

    • Echo the Bunnyman says :

      that and they were given plausible characters. DeNiro never stood a chance with his character, but shame on him for signing on in the first place.

  8. Bill Madlock says :

    NEEDS GIANT ROBOTS ESP ONES THAT SOUND LIKE GARY MARSHALL.

    Jarv ya shouldn’t have.

  9. Droid says :

    200 comments in just a few hours. Huzzah for terrible rom coms that Jarv is forced to watch!

  10. Continentalop says :

    Is mocking a girl for liking New Year’s Eve count as a neg? Because if it does I could actually see myself throwing out negs.

  11. Continentalop says :

    I also got to say it is sad that the ensemble cast movie has become the worst type of movie. I mean, we’ve gone from Nashville to New Year’s Eve.

    • koutchboom says :

      RAT RACE FOR THE WIN!

      What about QT films?

      • Continentalop says :

        I liked Rat Race despite myself, although I think you could argue Breckin Meyer was the lead.

        Yeah QT’s movies are ensemble at times but they always seem to focus in on a smaller number of characters with one character who is a little more the center, and usually play more like vignettes in an anthology. It seems the idea of the wide expansive ensemble, you know 10-14 characters who all get equal time, has become the exclusively for bad rom com (although I am probably forgetting some good ensemble ones that have been made in the last 10-15 years). .

      • koutchboom says :

        And horror, movies like Cube, Identity, Cabin Fever, looks like Cabin In The Woods. And sort of The Descent.

      • koutchboom says :

        Conti, did you ever see the Altman movie about ballet? With Neve and If… in it? It looks interesting. I’m not a giant Altman fan but I haven’t seen much of his shit really.

      • Continentalop says :

        I think ensemble cast work better with horror movies, you don’t know who’ll survive, but once again those ones usually limit themselves to only about 5-7 characters. I wonder what it would be like for them to make a horror movie a bigger scale, like a zombie movie or something, and spread out the story to like Nashville size with 15-20 important characters.

        Didn’t see the Company. I did like Gosford Park a lot (hated Prairie Home Companion though). Altman is very hit and miss with me, but still one of my favorites.

      • Continentalop says :

        Actually, I think there is an old Italian zombie movie that is an ensemble cast. I think it was called City of the Walking Dead or something. If Echo stops by maybe he’ll remember it.

      • Droid says :

        That terrible Halloween movie is an ensemble horror. It’s a bunch of vignettes loosely tied together. Trick or treat?

      • Continentalop says :

        I guess I should be more specific. I meant the type of ensemble that Altman was known for – you know, 15-20 characters intermingling and each having their own arcs, all playing out at the same time. Think Nashville, Short Cuts, Ready to Wear (yes, it is shit), Gosford Park. If I remember right, Rome, Open City by Rossellini was like those as well.

        To the best of my knowledge, that formula is only being used in Rom Coms nowadays.

      • koutchboom says :

        What about Magnolia.

      • Droid says :

        Traffic, that shitty Harrison Ford one, that Crash shitfest.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Magnolia is definitely that kind of ensemble. I loved it, actually and it really reminds of Altman. It even featured that actor from the Burbs, whose name I unfortunately forget, who was in many of Altman’s films. Henry Gibson, that’s it.

        Trick’r Treat is too. The wonderful Trick r treat.

      • Continentalop says :

        I was actually about to mention Magnolia. But when did that come out? The late 90s?

        Of course, except for a couple of exception, really only Altman did those Altman style movies so it is kind of a moot argument by me. But kind of strange that Altman style movies would almost exclusively become Rom Coms nowadays. Like I said, I think it almost would fit horror better.

      • Continentalop says :

        Yeah Traffic and Crash I forgot about. Traffic because it really is three stories told over different locales (Mexico, San Diego and the MIdwest) with three main characters, and Crash because it sucked.

        Thanks for reminding me about it droid.

      • koutchboom says :

        Well also in Rom Coms it’s only really NYE and Valentines Day. I guess it started with Love Actually. I haven’t even seen any of those by the way so I don’t really know. But aren’t NYE and Val Day just all separate stories not really even related to one another? So they are more trying to capture the idea of Paris I love You/New York I love you? And still that’s not many movies. I think it’s a hard concept to do because it demands creating so many characters. And really TV shows are doing it a lot better these days than any movie can. Sure in most TV Drama shows there is a lead guy but they expand enough on all the characters to flesh them all out. Thinking about Mad Men or even House to some extent.

        Also The Help is an good ensemble movie. Even War Horse really.

      • Jarv says :

        All three of the hateful films are thematically related and that’s it. NYE has a few interlinked stories, but not all in all, even though it tries to pretend that they’re all close together.

      • Droid says :

        The other one is he’s just not into you.

      • koutchboom says :

        Ohhh yeah, and I’ve actually scene that.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I agree that tv shows are essentially doing this. Things like Heroes for instance, and V in the early going, were attempting that structurally, but not in the same spirit or mood. Another one just came up is They Came Back, about a group of people who all have loved ones start coming back from the dead and rejoining their families. That one was quite interesting, although it didn’t quite add up in the end.
        War Horse followed the template of Au Hasard Balthazar with the animal walking through various vignettes. Unlike an Altman movie, there was always the story though of Jamie trying to get his horse back that tied the whole thing together. The film is actually closer to that style than the novel, which I found interesting as I would have suspected Spielberg would have gone the other way.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah I saw They Came Back, interesting idea….boring movie. Sooo pretty much the closest we’ve got to Altman style would be Magnolia, then we have the Altman lite style of Crash and such.

      • Continentalop says :

        See I think the concept lends itself actually to big event genre flicks better than it does Rom Com. I mean an alien invasion or zombie apocalypse story told through the eyes of about 20-30 characters from different characters would actually be more interesting than the cliched hero fighting off the invaders or lone survivor story. And yeah, Independence Day kind of did that but even they stayed focused on only about 3-4 characters with the other people just being bit players.

        BTW anybody here ever see the film 20 Bucks?

      • koutchboom says :

        2012 then.

      • koutchboom says :

        Never seen 20 bucks but that’s an interesting idea for a movie. Maybe Avengers will be an Altman like movie? Hehehehehe.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        20 Bucks was one I was thinking of. I enjoyed it back in the day. Brendan Fraser, Linda Hunt, a few others…Think Buscemi played a serial killer (yea, big stretch) in it.

        Couple of others are Bug, Thirteen Conversations about One Thing, and there was a semi-sci-fi version attempted: Last Night. That one had Cronenberg shuffling through Toronto I think, preparing for the end of the world with some other hapless blokes.

  12. Jarv says :

    Have all those pictures gone?

  13. Col. Tigh-Fighter says :

    I enjoyed this review very much 🙂

  14. koutchboom says :

    Speaking of The Avengers I was thinking about the other day I had a hankering to blast NIN – We’re In This Together Now while Pachino style cruising and I was like why the fuck do I want to hear this song. Then I remembered it was in The Avengers trailer, and I thought about the last trailer to use a NIN song from The Fragile….300. Which most people tend to idealize is the greatest homoerotic adventure movie this side of 9/11. The Avengers is being directed by a gay man and could end up taking the mantle from 300 as being the greatest post 9/11 homoerotic bromance piece? Now does that mean that NIN is the king of homoeroticism music?

  15. Continentalop says :

    Man, forgot Dazed & Confused. That’s almost Altmanesque (with a lot of Lucas’ American Graffiti thrown in).

    • Continentalop says :

      And Citizen Band but that was late 70s.

    • Xiphos0311 says :

      Why are you insulting Dazed and Confused like that since its actually good.

      • Continentalop says :

        I’m comparing it to Altman & Lucas’ best work, Nashville & American Graffiti. No insult there.

        Now if I compared it to Ready to Wear & Phantom Menace, well that’d be slanderous.

        You ever see Citizen Band, Xi?

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        the Altman comparison I should have been more clear. The neck’s American Graffiti comparsion is apt.

      • Continentalop says :

        Well considering the fact Richard Linklater has brought up how Altman and Nashville were inspirations, I think it was very apt.

        I like Altman, especially in the early 70s.

    • tombando says :

      Lone Star is a bit Altmanesque too-watch it again and see if I’m right-

  16. tombando says :

    Jonah Bart have you heard anything about the Necks Red Tails?

  17. MORBIUS says :

    HAH!!!

    Nice Jarv, while reading it I kept saying to myself “It’s coming”.

    more and … still isn’t the worst bit …

    “It’s coming”

    more and … still isn’t the worst bit …

    e.t.c. …and finally in the penultimate paragraph,

    there it was, I knew you’d find a way to mention

    LOVE ACTUALLY in this review!!!

    When Sarah Jessica Parker visited Churchill Downs

    for ‘The Run for the Roses’ (Kentucky Derby)

    three jockeys tried to ‘saddle her up!

  18. ThereWolf says :

    That was fucking funny! Superb.

    “Buellerston”, really? I was definitely going to watch it until that.

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