Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 6 (4): Wolverine

I’m starting to wonder if the X-Men films aren’t the hardest individual section of the funny book tour. Other franchises only tend to have 1 bad movie in them, but this one is 5 films and of the 4 I’ve seen only 1 is an OK movie, and even then it isn’t very good. 

Sorry about the delay with this. Here’s Just Pillow Talk with Wolverine, the X-Men prequel nobody needed:

X-men Origins: Wolverine (2009)

In this addition we are aided by La Rulles Tripel, which, quite frankly, is delicious.  Despite Netflix’s attempts on dissuading me from viewing Wolverine with a cracked disc, I requested a replacement.  Why?  Simple: my dedication to you Moon Wolves, on providing half-assed reviews of Marvel movies outweighs my common sense.   Plus the Belgian beer helps.

Even though it seemed like the three X-men movies were really all about Wolverine, Twentieth Century Fox decided that we needed a fourth Wolvie movie, this time taking us to the beginning.  I’m not going to try to compare it to the comics to see if it matches up 100%, because I don’t know that.  I do know some things they did pick up from the comics, like his name, that his claws were actually made of his bone, he was Weapon X, shit like that.  I also read that apparently there was a storyline where Sabertooth was his father.  Um, sounds pretty shit to me.  Here, they have him as his brother.  I don’t particularly like that either, but I think it works better.  What I don’t understand, and maybe someone can shed some light on it for me; how can Sabertooth change from Liev Schreiber to Tyler Mane in the first X-men?  One dude is fucking large and strong, and the other is…not.  Anyway, we learn that Wolvie and Sabertooth are pretty damn old and have served together in numerous wars, starting with the Civil War.  Turns out Victor (Sabertooth) has gotten a taste for blood, while Wolvie is getting a bit tired of killing a shitload of people.  I’m totally going to skip the opening bit where as a kid he kills his dad, okay?  Cool.

Enter our old friend Stryker, now played by Danny Hutson who cannot match Brian Cox’s performance in X2 (happy Jarv?) who recruits mutants for a special ops team.  After killing a shitload of more people, Wolvie decides that this time he means it and he’s through.  Flash forward six years, Wolvie is a lumberjack in Canada with some chick who does have a decent body (bit of a strange looking face), and Victor is out killing old members of the special ops team.  For what purpose?  To gather DNA from mutants for Stryker to combine into the ultimate mutant killing machine, Weapon XI.

This leads to the showdown at Stryker’s hidden testing facility where Wolvie faces Weapon XI, with the help of Victor.  To tie this movie to the X-men movies, Wolvie conveniently loses his memory with several adamantium bullets to the head.

Much like all the X-men movies, this is a mixed bag.  First, one of its inherit weaknesses is the preceding movies.  This will be part of the problem with First Class when I get to reviewing that one too.  Everything that happens in this movie doesn’t mean shit because he loses his memory and starts from scratch.  Oh look, he met Gambit and the Blob and…aw fuck it, memory wiped clean.  When Xavier shows up to take away the kids that Stryker had abducted with the help of Victor, it is especially annoying after viewing First Class considering the age of Xavier when he loses the ability to walk.  So which is it…was he an old man and then became confined to a wheel chair or was he a very young lad who lost it with a bullet in the back?  Second, I have a problem with Victor being a pussy in this.  Sorry, but Tyler Mane was much more believable as Sabertooth than Liev.

What was better was the action in this one, and in that regard this one surpassed anything from the previous three.  I’m sure the geeks clamored to get Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds) and Gambit (Taylor Kitsch) into this movie, but whatever.

All in all, I’ll give this one a 1.5 adamatium claws out of 4.  It by no means is a good movie, but relatively speaking, it surpasses all but the second X-men movie, and even there it’s close.  I feel a much more interesting story could have been told for Wolverine, and I don’t think it should have been an ‘origin’ story.  Just have a solo story where he kicks some ass.  Simple.

What I did find interesting was that Scott Adkins (Undisputed flicks) played the mutant hodgepodge Deadpool at the end of the movie.  I liked him in those Undisputed movies, but he was shit in that shit movie Ninja…Christ that was a horrible movie.

Pillow out

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

25 responses to “Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 6 (4): Wolverine”

  1. Jarv says :

    Crappy film this, but about par for the series.

  2. Continentalop says :

    Just reading your review reminds me how much I hate the character of Wolverine nowadays.

    180+ year old mutant special ops ninja agent with bone claws. Fuck you Marvel comics.

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      Just a general observation/question: didn’t Marvel shit the bed when they blew up the history they built up for decades with some cross over shit stories in the 90’s? The Ultimate version or some other crap?

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Ultimates was an attempt to reboot the big titles, Spidy, X Men, FF and some others back to zero and get rid of most the crap that has infiltrated the original titles. It would have been a good idea IF they had stopped all the original titles but they didn’t so it failed in my opinion.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        in retrospect now, Ultimates just looks like a cashgrab and has only served to muddle everything further.

        Have there been any worthwhile new comic characters in recent years? Like something brand new and fresh? And Im not really counting Millar’s stuff. Not a fan.

      • koutchboom says :

        Well Deadpool came out in like 89, and he’s the greatest character of all. Other than that….Spawn? There is some new guy at image….that sort of seems like a Spawn lite character called….eh lemme look.

      • koutchboom says :

        Haunt, that’s his name. Never read one of the comics. But in terms of great characters, really outside of Image there’s aren’t many. I mean Hulk’s son is cool…but it’s fucking Hulk all over again just with long hair.

      • koutchboom says :

        Hrmmm seems like they already made a sequel to White Collar in comic book form:

        Thief of Thieves #1 (MR)
        Conrad Paulson lives a secret double life as master thief Redmond. There is nothing he can’t steal, nothing he can’t have… except for the life he left behind. Now, with a grown son he hardly knows, and an ex-wife he never stopped loving, Conrad must try to piece together what’s left of his life, before the FBI finally catch up to him… but it appears they are the least of his worries.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Yea, Im thinking in the last six or seven years…since the cinematic superhero rennaisance.

        I still have the first issues of Spawn, Savage Dragon, Wildcats…all that stuff from the early 90s. I stumbled across my old, dog-eared copies of the Dark Horse adaptation of Army of Darkness. I remember reading the crap out of those comics a good five or six months before that movie released.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah all I can really think of is Skaar. Have you heard of Shield? I think you would like it, its set that Newton, Da Vinci, and the Turtles were all part of some organization controling the world. Pretty interesting.

      • koutchboom says :

        If you are looking for someone to get into look into Johnathan Hickman books….he’s the new IT guy and he’s really good. He’s writing that Shield thing, he’s also been writing Fantastic Four for the past year are so. He got in with Marvel like a year or two ago and hasn’t really done much solo work since then but looks like his back this year with this:

        http://www.imagecomics.com/comics/4621/The-Manhattan-Projects-1

        can’t wait. Also his Secret Warriors comic was a blast. Very fast and action packed. He’s my favorite writer at the moment…also doesn’t hurt that he’s from American finally (South Carolina even better!) so there’s no I HATE THE WORLD AND LOOK DOWN ON EVERYONE ON IT attitude that all British writers seem to have. Also he doesn’t seem like some giant fanboi like Kirkman. If you follow him on twitter you’d really have no idea he’s a comic book writer (maybe he’s ashamed? IDK?) but he’s writing and books are really cool.

        He did do a sort of end of the world Superman story though with A Red Mass From Mars, check it out if you are interested. I think you would really like his Transhuman story. The best way to describe it is in the form of an SAT question: Transhuman is to Planet Of the Apes as Primer is to Time Traveling Stories.

      • koutchboom says :

        Well Ultimates isn’t even really a REBOOTING, it’s another fucking universe. And they are all connected via the World Wide Multiverse Web. Yeah if they had just stopped everything and gone back to zero….Marvel probably would’ve have gone belly up, or they would’ve been right back on track within the year after all the bitching. Now it just seems like a cheap attempt at a money grab. NOW you can have twice as many Spiderman comics out at once, because you got the 3-17 normal Marvel verse titles, then the 3-4 Ultimate Spidy titles.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        Hmm…sounds like crap to me.

  3. Xiphos0311 says :

    I think this is about the best X Men movie there is its at least a coherent flick, which the others can’t really lay claim to being. That being said its not that good.

  4. koutchboom says :

    Yeah I need to rewatch this. I only saw the leaked version.

  5. Xiphos0311 says :

    yeah the Sabertooth casting wasn’t well thought out.

  6. Droid says :

    I had fun with this movie. It’s dumb and not very good, but it’s not weighed down in half baked symbolism and subtext. It’s just a stupid, fun, forgettable action movie.

    James Mangold is doing the next Wolverine movie. It’s set in Japan or something. I don’t think they’re attempting to tie it in to the other films, so there might be hope for the standalone ass kicking Wolverine movie.

    X-Kids is shit.

  7. tombando says :

    Caught part of this, didnt really make me wanna see more. Pillows has it right i imagine.

  8. ThereWolf says :

    I didn’t think much of ‘Wolverine’ – I’m sat here trying to remember what happened in it but can’t. Apart from when Jackman puts his angry face on and releases all the mutants with his sparking finger bladey things…

    Come to think of it, wasn’t so much an ‘angry’ face – more like a ‘denied a biscuit’ face.

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