Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 6 (4): Wolverine
I’m starting to wonder if the X-Men films aren’t the hardest individual section of the funny book tour. Other franchises only tend to have 1 bad movie in them, but this one is 5 films and of the 4 I’ve seen only 1 is an OK movie, and even then it isn’t very good.
Sorry about the delay with this. Here’s Just Pillow Talk with Wolverine, the X-Men prequel nobody needed:
X-men Origins: Wolverine (2009)
In this addition we are aided by La Rulles Tripel, which, quite frankly, is delicious. Despite Netflix’s attempts on dissuading me from viewing Wolverine with a cracked disc, I requested a replacement. Why? Simple: my dedication to you Moon Wolves, on providing half-assed reviews of Marvel movies outweighs my common sense. Plus the Belgian beer helps.
Even though it seemed like the three X-men movies were really all about Wolverine, Twentieth Century Fox decided that we needed a fourth Wolvie movie, this time taking us to the beginning. I’m not going to try to compare it to the comics to see if it matches up 100%, because I don’t know that. I do know some things they did pick up from the comics, like his name, that his claws were actually made of his bone, he was Weapon X, shit like that. I also read that apparently there was a storyline where Sabertooth was his father. Um, sounds pretty shit to me. Here, they have him as his brother. I don’t particularly like that either, but I think it works better. What I don’t understand, and maybe someone can shed some light on it for me; how can Sabertooth change from Liev Schreiber to Tyler Mane in the first X-men? One dude is fucking large and strong, and the other is…not. Anyway, we learn that Wolvie and Sabertooth are pretty damn old and have served together in numerous wars, starting with the Civil War. Turns out Victor (Sabertooth) has gotten a taste for blood, while Wolvie is getting a bit tired of killing a shitload of people. I’m totally going to skip the opening bit where as a kid he kills his dad, okay? Cool.
Enter our old friend Stryker, now played by Danny Hutson who cannot match Brian Cox’s performance in X2 (happy Jarv?) who recruits mutants for a special ops team. After killing a shitload of more people, Wolvie decides that this time he means it and he’s through. Flash forward six years, Wolvie is a lumberjack in Canada with some chick who does have a decent body (bit of a strange looking face), and Victor is out killing old members of the special ops team. For what purpose? To gather DNA from mutants for Stryker to combine into the ultimate mutant killing machine, Weapon XI.
This leads to the showdown at Stryker’s hidden testing facility where Wolvie faces Weapon XI, with the help of Victor. To tie this movie to the X-men movies, Wolvie conveniently loses his memory with several adamantium bullets to the head.
Much like all the X-men movies, this is a mixed bag. First, one of its inherit weaknesses is the preceding movies. This will be part of the problem with First Class when I get to reviewing that one too. Everything that happens in this movie doesn’t mean shit because he loses his memory and starts from scratch. Oh look, he met Gambit and the Blob and…aw fuck it, memory wiped clean. When Xavier shows up to take away the kids that Stryker had abducted with the help of Victor, it is especially annoying after viewing First Class considering the age of Xavier when he loses the ability to walk. So which is it…was he an old man and then became confined to a wheel chair or was he a very young lad who lost it with a bullet in the back? Second, I have a problem with Victor being a pussy in this. Sorry, but Tyler Mane was much more believable as Sabertooth than Liev.
What was better was the action in this one, and in that regard this one surpassed anything from the previous three. I’m sure the geeks clamored to get Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds) and Gambit (Taylor Kitsch) into this movie, but whatever.
All in all, I’ll give this one a 1.5 adamatium claws out of 4. It by no means is a good movie, but relatively speaking, it surpasses all but the second X-men movie, and even there it’s close. I feel a much more interesting story could have been told for Wolverine, and I don’t think it should have been an ‘origin’ story. Just have a solo story where he kicks some ass. Simple.
What I did find interesting was that Scott Adkins (Undisputed flicks) played the mutant hodgepodge Deadpool at the end of the movie. I liked him in those Undisputed movies, but he was shit in that shit movie Ninja…Christ that was a horrible movie.