Merry Fucking Christmas

Well, I’m currently in Spain sitting in gorgeous sun, but I’ve been kind enough to leave everyone a lovely Christmas message.

We have a lot of fun here, and I always like to take this chance to thank everyone involved in our little corner of the internets:

So with no further ado:

Thanks to (in no particular order)-

Xi and stay safe in whatever shithole they next send you to,

Koutch– you crazy bastard, remove your finger from your arse and review a terrible comedy, don’t tell me that you’ve stopped watching them.

Jonah– Thanks for everyhing this year, and hoping shit continues to roll well for you

Droid– Dirty convict. Get your arse out of that shithole you work in in 2012.

Barfy, Blitz and Fishy– don’t see you much any more, but we know you’re still lurking.

Kloipy– Good to see you back, man, and hope 2012 rocks.

Wolf- Always a pleasure to see you’ve written something, we’ll get you pissed in 2012 if you ever make it off the bit of the UK map with here be dragons written on it.

Col- Great to have you around, even if you are terminally wrong about Resident Evil.

TKD- Keep the pooch out of your liquor supply, man!

Morbi- It’s been great having you, stick with Misfits- series 3 is much better.

Tom- I promise that if we make the money from Astrodykes v Werewolves on the Moon, then we’ll give you the GIANT ROBOT LION film that you really want.

Conti– far too knowledgeable for us plebs, always an interesting read.

Now, to the missing in no particular order, but I hope that we’ll see you back if you read this:

Frank, Bronco, DocP, Milf, Spud, Mavra (post-nuptials and everything), come on back in 2012. I promise we’ll have grown up a bit. Well, I’m lying but we’ll try to be entertaining.

If I’ve missed anyone, sincerest apologies, and I hope you all have a great Christmas and a fantastic new year. Or at the very least you’re all in the deeply inebriated state I no doubt am in.

So,

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the net

Not a troll was stirring, so no cause for upset;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just passed out for a long winter’s nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature rascal, and eight fucked-out reindeer,

With a massive fat driver, quite clearly a cunt,

I knew it was Murphy without seeing his front.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Doughnut! now,Big Mac! now, Cheetos and Pork Pie!

On, Whopper! on Wendys! on, Pizza and MORE PIE!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of shite, and Fat Murphy too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The bastard eating them down to the hoof.

As I drew in my head, and puked in my mouth,

I gave thanks that the fat cunt was surely off south.

He was dressed all in fetish gear, from his head to codpiece,

And his clothes were all glistening with grease;

A bundle of my stuff he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a pikey just opening his pack.

His fat little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

He had a broad face and a massive fat belly,

That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right dirty old cunt,

And I laughed when I saw him, bastard has some front;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, so I smacked him in the cock,

Then beat fuck out of him with a coin filled sock,

“Where’s my apology, you rotten old git”,

“As through that Splice garbage I did have to sit”;

The dirty old bastard let out a laugh,

And said “if you think that’s my worst then you’re mistaken by half”.

As the fucker left by the window I sighed at the sight,

“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night.”

See you all on the 29th.

Merry fucking Christmas, motherfuckers.

Ciao,

Jarv.

Tags: , ,

About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

12 responses to “Merry Fucking Christmas”

  1. Droid says :

    Happy Festivus everyone. Good work on this Jarv. I will indeed endeavour to get myself out of my job in 2012. Cheers.

  2. Kloipy says :

    Twas the night before X-mas,
    and through the rec room,
    not a creature was stirring,
    not even K-Boom,
    Xi with his rifle
    Droid with his beer
    getting drunk before Christmas would sure bring good cheer.
    Therewolf was sleeping
    and Frankie was gone.
    Barfy was wishing for a wave to surf on
    Jonah was watching some Misery porn
    Bando was making a bowl of popcorn
    Conti was filming,
    while Pillows would talk
    all the people of moonwolves were in for a shock
    When up on the rooftop came a loud clatter
    it was Jarv in the sleigh to see what was the matter
    I can’t think of more without seeming trite
    so merry christmas you cunts and to all a good night

  3. Xiphos0311 says :

    Thank you Jarv Feliz Navidad.

  4. Col. Tigh-Fighter says :

    Happy christmas to all you lovely Wolves in cyberspace!

    I look forward to further educating you all of the merits of RE and Paul Anderson 😉

  5. Continentalop says :

    Thanks Jarvis. Merry Christmas everyone.

  6. ThereWolf says :

    Merry Christmas Moonwolves…

    … and to all you Blue Blaze Irregulars who drop in from time to time – it’s much appreciated.

    I hope Santa brought you everything you wanted.

    He brought me Transformers 3!

  7. MORBIUSdrmorbius says :

    Thanks Jarv,

    Merry Christmas to you and ALL the Moonwolves.

    Happy Boxing Day.

    WASSAIL!!!

  8. Spud McSpud says :

    Merry Christmas one and all!! Hopefully I’ll get here more often in 2012, if only to register my complete disbelief that some of MISFITS S3 was actually quite good.

    Hope you all had a good one; now bring me that New Year… 🙂

  9. The Thorn says :

    Merry fucking Christmas to you too, Jarv! 🙂

  10. Echo the Bunnyman says :

    Huzzah to this Jarv… Funny poem too… ‘down to the hoof’…hehe.

  11. redfishybluefishy says :

    Merry merry and happy ho ho. all that good stuff to all of you and your families! xo

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