Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics Number 8: Man-Thing

Man-Thing (2005)

You know when you are drunk and you say stuff you really don’t mean? There is still a slight glimmer of common sense trying to make it to the top of your current drunken haze of a mind and say “hey, dumb fuck, don’t say that!” Yet alcohol wins and smashes that puny common sense to smithereens? While I was not drunk when I readily agreed to review every stinking Marvel movie made, clearly my common sense took a vacation and is sitting this one out. The hang over I wake up to today with is Man-Thing. Not even a delicious Belgium Farmhouse Ale could save me, despite its bravest attempts.

The movie starts off well enough. Some kids/young adults are partying near swampville USA (I would think there would be a better place, what with crocodiles and whatnot) and some chick and guy are fooling around. They end up in a small boat fucking (conveniently there’s a couple nice shots of her engineered boobs) when something kills the poor dumb bastard, blood splattering all over the chick. Now, what’s puzzling, is that she lives. No where else in the movie does the man-thing let anyone else live.

Enter new Sheriff Kyle (Matthew Le Nevez), a “Yankee”, who doesn’t fully realize the troubles going on in little swamptown. It appears tons of people have gone missing in this little town since the EVIL Schist family has built an oil rig on sacred ground. Program Alert, Program Alert…it’s message time: Environment Good, Oil Bad. End of Message Time. Now, believe me when I say I’m pro-environment, but dudes..dudes…dudes..come on now. I don’t know how the funny books portrayed Man-Thing or if they even talked about how he was ‘created’, but it’s done so poorly here. It doesn’t help that the acting is piss-poor.

For a movie called Man-Thing, we don’t see him until nearly the very end of the movie. Really? That would be like making a movie about a big angry green dude who smashes shit focus on his relationship with daddy. Ummm…moving on. So we get some poor sap(s) killed broken up by the uninteresting sheriff trying to figure out how people are dying/missing. You would think that with the amount of people that have gone missing, there would be some outside agency poking around the area. Sheriff Kyle’s first day he sees a whole wall full of missing person pictures in the old Sheriff’s office. All since the oil rig was built. Wouldn’t Sheriff Kyle think “oh shit, that’s a lot of people…maybe I should contact the FBI” or maybe the Geek Squad? Buehler?

The other thing is the oil rig itself. On Kyle’s first day he has to go there to break up a group protesting against the rig. There’s also been vandalism against the rig, property destroyed, and the Schists don’t have a security staff? What about a fence? Nothing. Wouldn’t they be slightly concerned about their investment?

So it turns out the Man-Thing is a Native American who was killed since he didn’t want to sell his land to the Schists. Naturally, being on sacred ground and polluted by the oil rig, he turns into the Man-Thing to get his revenge. I would think that instead of disappearing into the swamp once he’s killed all the bad guys, he would want to teach botany or something. Or maybe perform at kid’s birthday parties with his plant tentacle like arms?

The special effects are not too bad, effective enough what little you see, and by far are the strongest part of this movie. The acting, liked mentioned above is piss-poor. There is no one who appeared in this movie who should be acting in any capacity currently or in the future. There’s even a horrible scene with daddy Schist and son Schist laughing in their truck (think Dr. Evil laugh) about their diabolical plan to…kill whatever is in the swamp and ignore the Sheriff? Seriously, that’s their plan. All they needed was a Swamp Base and they are all set. The story is shit, it’s a pretty boring movie, the kills have no entertainment value, there’s no atmosphere even though you have a dark swamp, and the boob shot lifts expectations in the beginning for no reason.

Way to go Marvel, yet another zero movie devoid of any fun. Interestingly, I do not recall seeing Stan Lee make a cameo. Even he realized this was bottom of the barrel. According to IMDB, this movie had a budget of about $7.5 million and made back $143,615. Ouch baby, very ouch.

Pillow out

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About Judge Droid

In between refining my procrastination skills I talk a lot of shit about movies and such.

66 responses to “Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics Number 8: Man-Thing”

  1. Droid says :

    I’ve never even heard of a comic book character named Man Thing. And I guess this is why.

    I seem to remember you saying that the Marvel series would be a walk in the park compared to your birthday series. Good call.

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      Yup, I was dead on.

      Though to be fair to Marvel, it really is a walk in the park compared to half the shit I had to watch in the birthday series.

      I never even knew this movie existed before people were tallying up the Marvel list. Why this wouuld ever be a comic book beats the hell out of me….

  2. Echo the Bunnyman says :

    Ha. This movie is ass, directed by Brett Leonard, who tried to break out into genre-stuff in the mid 90s with Lawnmower Man, Hideaway and Virtuosity.

    Oh well.

    The funny thing is it didnt really get much of a theatrical release. It was sold directly to SYFY channel here in the states, and I believe it’s U.S. premiere was as one of those Saturday night originals. The fact it was as bad as the six dollar snake movies only makes it worse.

    ManThing was more of a side-character in the Marvel universe, if I remember correctly. Kind of their answer to Swamp Thing, but not exactly.

    • koutchboom says :

      You can probably blame a lot of this 3D craze on Bret as well.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        what did brett do in 3D?

      • koutchboom says :

        He was a big developer of it in the 90s for shit like theme parks and stuff. His IMDB profile bio is pretty interesting.

      • koutchboom says :

        He did that IMAX T-Rex 3D movie that ended up grossing over 100 million.

      • koutchboom says :

        Damn this guy was so successful that he didn’t really have to try afterward:

        The Lawnmower Man is one of the true progenitors of the “cyber genre” and was the number one commercially successful independent film of 1992, costing under $6 million and earning over $200 million worldwide.

      • koutchboom says :

        Heheh but I don’t know where that IMDB profile got that info from? All I can find is that it cost 10 million and only made 32 million in America.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Yea, sounds like Brett Leonard has been monkeying with his IMDB profile. The movie was a modest hit if I recall, but then forgotten, with an incredibly shoddy theatrical sequel.

        Lawnmower Man was a big mess, albeit slightly interesting as an idea. It’s nothing like the short story at all. Not even similar subject matter unless you count that both have lawnmowers.

      • koutchboom says :

        Well the movie is based on Brett’s script that had nothing to do with lawnmowing, but New Line had the writes to Kings book and said….ehhh make him mow a few lawns and we’ll slap King’s name on this bitch and earn some money.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I always wondered how that happened…how the two were even nominally related in the creative process.

        They loved them some Stephen King in the 90s didnt they? Lawnmower Man, Sleepwaklers, Graveyard Shift, It, Misery, Tommyknockers, Needful Things, Pet Sematary 2, Children of the Corn 2, The Dark Half…and that’s as far as 93…good lord..

      • koutchboom says :

        Heheh wait no, this is interesting:

        After two court rulings in King’s favor, New Line still did not comply and initially released the home video version as Stephen King’s The Lawnmower Man. A third ruling granted the author $10,000 per day in compensation and all profits derived from sales until his name was removed.[3] On King’s official website, the film is not listed among the films based on his work. The Lawnmower Man was released in Japan under the title Virtual Wars; Fuji Creative’s Masao Takiyama is also credited as a co-producer.

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      They should have left it to the side, that’s for sure. Why they ever thought this was a good idea I’ll never know. If anything, it should have been a B-movie just wallowing in the cheese.

  3. Echo the Bunnyman says :

    but there is the other side of this coin, the brilliant side:

    it gave you an escuse to drink a Belgian Farmhouse Ale, which is always a good thing.

  4. Continentalop says :

    Great review Pillow for a bad movie (never seen it, don’t care to).

    I am actually a fan of the character. I think you could of made a good based on him – like Werewolf by Night, he seems perfect for a horror movie. So
    a couple of quick things, or even Man-Things,

    1) In the comic Man-Thing is a scientist (Ted Sallis) who is mutated into this creature thanks to a botched experiment (isn’t it always that) plus the fact his fiance was an enemy agent who double crossed him.

    2) Man-Thing isn’t based on Swamp Thing – it is one of those bizarre coincidences (like Dante’s Peak and Volcano) where two similar properties where developed at the same time.

    3) Question pillow or Bunny: in this movie does anyone who knows fear burn at the Man-Thing’s touch?

    4) Steve Gerber once wrote a Man-Thing special called Giant-Sized Man-Thing. And yes, it was intentional on Gerber’s part.

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      Conti, to your question…no, no one burns at his touch. They all get impaled with his plant tentacle arms and have plant like stuff kind of grow through their eye balls.

      The way the movie portrays the Man Thing’s vision is sort of red lense, shaky cam sort of vision. I only mention that because maybe that’s sort of what they were going for with that?

      • Continentalop says :

        In the comics, Man-Thing was an empathetic creature. He detected emotions. Love and happiness made him calm and feel good, negatives ones like anger made him angry. Fear made him feel pain and make him want to destroy what was hurting him.

        The thing is fear also made him release a corrosive acid, so anyone who was afraid would cause Man-Thing to reach out and grab them, burning them in the process. Hence, “Who ever knows fear burns at the Man-Thing’s touch” mantra.

        It was actually an interesting story angle, because you didn’t know if a good person or a bad person was going to be attacked by him. He is a giant much monster, any one seeing him is going to be scared, so a lot of suspense was created by this.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        ‘Love and happiness made him calm and feel good, negatives ones like anger made him angry. Fear made him feel pain and make him want to destroy what was hurting him. ‘

        So, basically like everybody else, but he exudes acid?

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        I can safely say that none of that is in the movie.

        He’s a resurrected Native American who got hosed by an oil guy and wants all of them dead. No scientist or double agent girlfriend. None of the Man Thing’s background is delved into…and really, his screen time (where you actually see him) probably amounts to 3 or 4 minutes. Tops.

      • Continentalop says :

        That Echo and the fact he felt people’s emotions.

    • tombando says :

      Am in agreement w Noted Sage Conti Pops. Always had a weakness for those seventies Marvel genre characters like Werewolf, Man thing and Son of Satan. Has potential, but you need a much better treatment than this.

  5. ThereWolf says :

    Good stuff. I haven’t heard of Man-Thing, but I do recognise the poster/ video cover. I might give it a shot one night, in no rush to do so though…

    Hoegaarden – the Daddy of Belgian beer, Pillow!

  6. tombando says :

    Man thing French Hulk>Chinese swamp thing hulk

  7. Xiphos0311 says :

    I agree this isn’t a good movie in fact if good is located at the arctic circle then this pile would be in Antarctica.

  8. The Thorn says :

    Hey, are you also doing the TV movies like ‘Captain America’ and ‘Dr. Strange’? I did that this summer, and boy was it a peculiar ride… 😛

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      I will do any and all that are available via Netflix. Alas they don’t have Dolph’s Punisher last time I checked.

      Theoretically I should be doing the tv Hulk movie with Thor and Daredevil too.

      • The Thorn says :

        Ah, well then you will be spared many horrible “deaths”! And you’ll get to skip 1994’s ‘The Fantastic Four’ as well! 😉

        Bizarre that ‘The Punisher’ is not available, but that’s a good thing. It’s horrendous… 😦

        I should note that the Captain America TV movies and the ’90s one have been released on DVD this year. I hope that your luck holds out 😉

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        I’ve never seen that FF movie…I’m actually curious about that one, even though I should clearly know better.

        I will feel sort of bad not completing the Punisher trilogy…sort of.

  9. The Thorn says :

    I wouldn’t feel too bad, but if you can do it, it’s worth it ’cause it will make your audience happy. 🙂

    As for the FF film, its core story is better than the two big budget ones, but holy snap it’s hard to find a more shoe-string budget than that! 😛

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      Yes, we seem to enjoy misery bestowed upon others…

      I’m not surprised in the slightest that the story is better. I’m sure they had a better invisible girl and Mr. Fantastic as well.

      • The Thorn says :

        Well, truth be told, I’m kind of keen on Jessica Alba’s Invisible Girl – if only because she looks so damned good in that costume.

        But, yes, the performance left me wanting. However, that was the case for most of the cast, so I think she could hardly be singled out.

        The 1994 film has some real lows, acting-wise, with Johnny Storm over-acting like crazy and Dr. Doom gesticulating so much you’d think he was trying to catch flies. 😛

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        No disputing the “fit” of the costume.
        In reality, I only liked Evans out of every single role.

        Sounds like the ’94 Doom did more than the more recent Doom.

        Damn, I am not looking forward to watching those again….

  10. The Thorn says :

    They’re alright. Not great, but alright. They beat the pants off of ‘Daredevil’, ‘Elektra’ and ‘Ghost Rider’, anyway, for what that’s worth…. 😉

    And anything is better than ‘Wolverine’. :(:(:(

    Ahem… excuse me… ‘X-Men Origins: Wolverine’ (for those X-Men fans who could be mistaken in thinking that it’s a horror film about a mean rat)

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      Hey, I like Daredevil!

      I actually have Wolverine coming next, which I think I’ll rate higher than 2 of the 3 X-mens.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        like the Daredevil Director’s cut. Thought it was better than the first Spiderman.

      • The Thorn says :

        ‘Wolverine’ made me SO angry, I wrote one of my longest blurbs (if not THE longest) about it, to vent my frustration. I can’t f-ing stand it. :(:(:(

        To each’s own, of course. But I pray I never have to see it again…

        I’m looking forward to reading your impression of it 🙂

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        I completely agree…Daredevil > Spider-man 1.

        If you’re lucky I’ll get angry at it. 🙂

        I do know I hated how they did Sabertooth in it though…the dude is supposed to be bigger, faster, and stronger than Wolverine. Um…you cast the wrong guy for that.

  11. The Thorn says :

    The fact that Hugh Jackman is 6’2″ doesn’t really help, of course – I mean, try casting someone bigger! But, they turned Sabretooth into a real loser to top it off.

    And don’t even get me started on the fact that they call Wolverine “Jimmy” for most of the movie. A real tough guy, this Jimmy… oO Logan sounds tough. Jimmy sounds like he should be in ‘Leave it to Wolverine’.

    • Xiphos0311 says :

      They did cast somebody bigger originally to play wolverine, Dougray Scott who was like 20 pounds heavier and 2 inches taller then the Aussie dancer.

  12. The Thorn says :

    The point is that Wolverine is supposed to be 5’3″; he’s supposed to be a tough little runt.

    Making him 6’4″ is sort of moot in his case.

    • Xiphos0311 says :

      there isn’t a 5’3″ 300 pound of muscles actor alive. So the next best thing is finding an actor that can channel the spirit of what wolverine is on film.

      • Continentalop says :

        Wolverine is 5’3″, 170lbs according to the Marvel Handbooks 😉

        But I think my problem always with the Wolverine is that I always saw him as a rough and kind of ugly guy. Wolverine back in the Byrne & Clairmont days never could have imagined that someone like Jean Grey would be interested in a rough, hardened man like himself (and she wasn’t back then).

        Hugh Jackman played him like rugged ladies man.

  13. Jarv says :

    Didn’t even know this was a comic, and never heard of the film. Will keep that intact.

    This series is the gift that keeps on giving. Especially considering you have 3 punisher movies to come, 2 Captain Americas, 3 Fantastic Fours, and much more goodness.

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