Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics. Number 6 (part 1): THE X-MEN
Sadly for Just Pillow Talk, this is Brian Singer’s version of the X-men. So instead of a plethora of scantily/ latex clad babes he’s got to endure a boring extended gay metaphor with nary a boob in sight, limited action, and lots and lots of crying.
I always thought this series would be too much for him, and it appears that he agrees. Probably the thought of doing 5 of them in a row. As a result, he’s sensibly decided to split it up, and here is his first attempt: X-men.
Me, I think this is shit. I thought it was shit at the time, and nothing I’ve seen has changed my opinion. Still, over to you Just Pillow Talk:
I’m changing gears a bit here and breaking up my review of X-men into individual reviews since I’ve gotten a bit more Droidesque in my delays. I think it has to do with the overwhelming thought of watching all five X-men films and reviewing them in a Frankish sort of way. I’m a bit mental, but not that mental. With that in mind, and being labeled a mutant bastard, I give you the first X-men…
Back when this came out and seeing it in the theaters, I enjoyed it. To say that there had been successful funny book adaptations previously is quite the joke. This is also the first one to really tackle the team concept and deal with so many characters. Sure I had issues with it, but overall I thought it was a step in the right direction.
Time has not been kind to this one either, much like my thoughts on Spiderman.
First, there really are not many ‘action’ pieces, and the ones that are in there are very small in nature. I don’t know the budget, nor can I be bothered to look it up, but clearly they went a bit skimpy in the special effects department. Everything feels restrained, like a “Heroes” episode almost. Second, having a lot of different superheroes and villains has always been the kiss of death to a funny book movie. No one seems to be able to incorporate all the different characters into a recipe of success, and here is no different. All the focus is on Wolverine followed by Rogue, and then Jean Grey. So let’s tackle them first. Hugh Jackman looks like Wolverine from the shoulders up, and that’s always been my problem. The dude is short, a “runt” if I remember correctly Colossus calling him. Are you telling me you couldn’t find a dude to fit the Wolverine mode a bit better? In the grand scheme of things, that’s small potatoes. Rogue is totally uninteresting. Now, I really know nothing about how she initially got her powers, etc, but couldn’t they have shown her use other mutants’ powers when she “borrows” them? I don’t think in the entire series they every show that. I think that would have been cool to show. Again, not sure how or if it was ever showed in the comics, but the whole Wolverine-Jean Grey thing going on…dumb. It’s pointless and adds nothing to the story.
So what about the rest of our heroes? They get zilch to do. Cyclops utters a few lines here and there and dislikes Wolverine. Storm should have whipped out her boobs and Iceman seems to me to be too fucking young. Er, wasn’t he one of the original X-men? Is it really that hard to continually fuck up shit like that? For the Villains, I think they are cooler first of all. Tyler Mane has the build and look of Sabertooth, so at least they got his look right in my mind. Rebecca and her painted blue body are quite yummy as Mystique, and Ray Park is okay as The Toad. I’m sure he doesn’t look anything like the comic book, but for the movie I don’t have an issue with him.
Oh yes, now we get to Charles Xavier (Patrick Stewart) and Magneto (Ian McKellan). I happen to like both these gents, but there’s something missing with their performances. They have been on opposite sides for quite a while now…I would expect more passion and a battle of wits/souls what have you, than what we got. These two are representing opposite ideologies of how the mutant race will survive and how they will deal with the human element. I also don’t get any ‘menace’ from Magneto, I mean, the dude is one of the most powerful mutants alive with a specific agenda to advance the mutant cause regardless of human casualties. I want a bad ass Magneto, not a very reserved Ian McKellan.
While watching it, there was some instances where I thought it made no sense. For instance, at the train station when they go after Rogue, where the fuck do our heroes go so that Magneto and his band of mutants can just waltz out through the front door. Um, paging Storm and Cyclops. So the boy lost his visor after Toad took it off, but what did Toad do with it and what did Cyclops do? Keep his eyes closed on the ride back to the Mansion? At the end of the movie, Wolverine stabs himself and the bar that Magneto pinned him to the side with releases him. Why? Makes no sense. And doesn’t Storm have the ability to fly using her wind powers? Why wouldn’t she accompany Wolverine to the top of the Statue of Liberty to try and destroy Magneto’s machine? Pah.
I am being overly generous I think, and giving it one adamantium claw out of four.