Tears, Tiaras and Tantrums: Jarv regrets seeing Prom Night 4: Deliver Us From Evil

After the relative success of the last two Prom Night films, well, at least in terms of entertainment, it’s clearly time for the series to dive happily into the shitter. The golden rule for the 4th film of a series or onwards is, and forever shall be, if you want it to be good, then you stand a better chance if you SET IT IN SPACE. Prom Night, sadly, decided not to go this route, and instead bought a script off the shelf, tacked on the prom night motif, and turned in an absolute shitburger of a film. It’s not a Prom Night Film, it’s not a Mary Lou film, it’s, in fact, a bit of a steaming turd on the face of crappy horror sequels. And that’s saying something. 

This film fucking sucks. There’s no two ways about it. Prom Night 4 is a gargantuan waste of time, and the only remote interest to man or beast is that some bird called Nikki De Boer, who went on to one of the Dork Trek series stars in this and wanders around in her underwear. Aside from that? Nothing. Just don’t fucking bother. I suppose, being the hardy soul that I am, I should venture an analysis of this film, but at the moment, I really can’t be arsed. If they can’t be bothered to put in the effort to make a sequel that at least fits in with the basic idea of the series, i.e. Prom Night is a fairly important event, then I sure as hell cannot be bothered to do a proper review. I’ll give it a stab, because I’m game like that, but this is an astounding waste of time, that makes me actively angry. Fuck this film, frankly.

Gratuitous Bra Shot number 1. Cube was a long way away for her.

Right, here’s the score. It’s some time in the past, I think the 50’s and prom- this was blatantly tacked on to get it under the Prom Night banner. Unfortunately for the prom-goers, this will not be a night of illicit beer and nookie. Father Jonas, a man more in need of a blow job (not from an altar boy) than any character I’ve seen in schlock cinema in a long time, has other plans. He’s got his knickers in a twist (probably due to not getting access to choirboys) and as such is murdering any teen that may look like they want to have some fun. In this case, Sex really does equal death. Anyhoo, he’s caught by the elderly clerics, and in time-honoured catholic tradition they turn him in the authorities cover the whole mess up. Fast forward 10 years or so, or it may be more, I gave as much of a fuck as the makers did, and we’ve got a quartet of horny teens going to the prom. Except they aren’t going to the prom, they’re going to Father J’s retreat for a night of illicit beer and sex.

People fuck, Father Jonas kills them, BLAH, the end.

Wank.

Douchebags.

The acting? Meh. De Boer isn’t bad as the less slutty of the two teens, and Joy Tanner is OK as the more slutty of the two teens. The two interchangeable douchebags, J.H. Wyman (indeed, Why, Man? Why would you be in this shit?) and Alle Ghadaban are OK as cannon fodder and James Carver is not frightening or even crazy looking in the least as Jonas. Acting= blah. Sadly, Death scenes also = blah, here. The only remotely entertaining one is the interchangeable douchebag slipping off the roof and grabbing Jonas’ pointy sword/ cross thing to try to hold himself on. I nearly laughed. Well, I didn’t, but I almost thought about it.

Gratuitous Bra Shot Number 2. By the way, trekkies, the brunette who went on to be in whichever series it was, doesn't get them out in this film. This is as near as you're getting. Blondie does though.

Fuck, I’m nearly out of interesting things to say about this toss. But not quite yet, Clay Borris (Director). So don’t think you’re getting off lightly. Basically, for some reason best known to Mr. Borris, Prom Night 4 is rammed full of shots taken from Jonas’ point of view. Unfortunately for the viewer, he’s trying to assess sin (really) and whether it’s worth his time killing the kids. This means that there’s a lot of footage of him staring through a window (breathing deeply, natch) watching interchangeable douchebag number 2’s arse go up and down on Joy. Honestly, Jonas spends so long wanking hanging around in the shrubbery stroking his cock breathing deeply that I thought for a moment I’d made a ghastly mistake and was actually watching Superman Returns. Well, actually, it isn’t that bad, because at least Jonas is meant to be stalking his victims.

On the plus side? There’s a shower scene and some women in fancy underwear.

Father Jonas took time off from molesting altar boys to set fire to himself.

Overall: Wank. Don’t even think about it. I’ve actually reached the point with some of these horror sequels where even my virtually limitless patience is exhausted. Prom Night 4: Deliver us from evil is genuinely one of the laziest, shittest and least interesting schlock films I’ve seen- and bear in mind who’s saying this. Prom Night 4 is abject toss, a completely useless film and a total waste of time. Basically, if someone offers you the choice of watching this film, or having it smashed up and rectally inserted, then I suggest that you give some serious though to the latter, because it won’t be any more painful, and it will certainly take less time.  Fuck this noise: Orangutan of Doom.

Next up, is the horrible plastic remake, which is at least about a Prom, but features the most obnoxious cast of fucknuts that are just begging for the slaughter in the entire series.

Until then,

Jarv.

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