Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

The CHAINSAWS used in this Motion Picture are REAL and DANGEROUS! They are handled here by seasoned PROFESSIONALS. The makers of this Motion Picture advise strongly against anyone attempting to perform these stunts at home. Especially if you are naked and about to engage in strenuous SEX. My conscience is clear, (signed) Fred Olen Ray.

Jarv ‘s Rating: There was no way this was going to get a low rating from me. So as a result, I give this truly hilarious little piece of grindhouse exploitation 3 Changs out of 4. This film is fucking mint, as any film about naked women wielding chainsaws as part of a lunatic cult of chainsaw worshippers that dates back to Egyptian times led by Gunnar Hansen should be. Highly, highly recommended. Get the beers in for this one, and trust me, it’s a blast.

It’s taken me a while to track this film down. I first heard about it years ago in context of a story that may or may not be Urban myth. The tale goes that one of the actresses (and Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers features three of the B-movie scream queens) broke a strike to appear in this film. By changing her name and crossing picket lines, she seriously damaged her career and was forced into even sleazier cinema as a result. The actress? Michelle Bauer, and it’s worth noting that she followed this film with a whole plethora of soft porn nonsense, from which she’s never really recovered. The point of this anecdote is to illustrate what utter fucknuts unions are, particularly unions in the creative industries, and it’s a crying shame that a decent jobbing actress working in cheap and cheerful schlock was punished like this for wanting to pay the rent. I’m, admittedly, assuming she considered it punishment. She may well have liked doing soft core porn, who am I to judge?

Jack really regretted drinking from the can that he'd put his cigarette out in.

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers is an almost perfect example of a film that defies rational criticism. On almost every level of technical ability it’s fucking atrocious. It’s poorly staged, poorly shot, much of the acting (particularly from Hansen) is wooden, the soundtrack is inexplicable, and yet on a base subjective level this is a monstrously entertaining sleazy romp. As if that weren’t bad enough, due to the scarcity of the film (it nearly didn’t survive) there were very few surviving copies of it out there. This one was restored from one of the last existent prints, and as such it is a touch grainy and so forth.The script to this is pure tosh, the concept is ridiculous, and yet almost everyone involved knows this, and as such Fred Olen Ray has turned in what can only be described as a comedy. There are so many genius touches of hilarity, and it is just so perky and gleefully tacky that I defy anyone to hate it. Personally, I had a blast, and I honestly believe that only the most pompous and po-faced Guardian critic could rag on this little film.

Spoilers lurk below, as if that matters.

In 1980’s LA, sleazy Private Eye Jack Chandler (Jay Richardson) is following the trail of a missing girl called Samantha (Linnea Quigley). However, what he doesn’t know is that she’s on the fringes of Gunnar Hansen’s insane chainsaw worshipping cult that dates from ancient Egypt (a good 6000 years before the internal combustion engine, which even Jack notices). Lead hookers in the cult are Michelle Bauer’s Elvis loving Mercedes, and Dawn Wildsmith’s Lori. Both these ladies have an almost pathological aversion to clothes and it helps that Bauer is really quite attractive in a deranged kind of way. Basically, to appease their Chainsaw God, they draw punters back to their place, get naked, and then eviscerate them with Chainsaws. Jack gets drawn into this web of vice and corruption, bones Samantha and saves the day, but not before Samantha performs the dance of the dual virgin chainsaw. There’s also a lot of grubby sex, and a mock hard-boiled narration that brilliantly completely ignores the actual events taking place on screen. Oh, and this also features nudity. I imagine that that last comes as somewhat of a surprise.

Artificial insemination is not to be entered into lightly.

As already mentioned, the acting is crap. Quigley is probably the best, but that’s not saying much although all the girls throw themselves into things with great Gusto. Bauer in particular has probably the most demanding (ha!) part given that she has to get naked, do most of the chainsawing, and still mouth execrable exchanges about running out of gasoline for the chainsaw. Hansen is easily the worst, but he’s so bad, and so wooden, that it comes across as absolute genius. You can see why Hooper never gave Leatherface dialogue, frankly. However, this is the last comment on the technical merits of the film, because there’s no point.

Always remember to keep your chainsaw fully gassed. Otherwise you could allow an idiot private eye time to escape while you pop down to the petrol station.

Basically, there’s a fairly easy litmus test to find out if this film is for you. I’m going to lay out a couple of scenes below, and if you find them funny, then find this film immediately. The first one worth talking about is the first chainsawing. Bauer is working a bar, using some very high-quality pick up language. She attracts a lonely desperado, takes him back to her place, strips naked, covers her beloved Elvis poster with cellophane, puts on a shower cap, and then gleefully eviscerates the punter. The actual murder is shot from his point of view, so all you see is Bauer, tits out, laughing maniacally, being covered in red paint that bears no resemblance at all to blood. Hilarious.

All of a sudden, the punter began to think he'd been overcharged for his blow job, as something was seriously amiss.

The second is the genius exchange where Jack is arguing with his girlfriend. The voiceover lays out a traditional noir narrative, and tells how she’s pleased to see him go, but a bit concerned for his welfare, and wants him to come back safely, as she loves him so much. However, the imagery on screen is of her, tits out, swearing, throwing things at him and giving him the finger. This scene really works, actually, because Jack sells it totally, and it’s very, very funny. Jack, incidentally, has another brilliant scene where he deals with Samantha being mouthy with him by, er, headbutting her into unconsciousness. What a diplomat, someone send him to the Middle East, stat.

Finally, there is the finale itself. The drugged up Quigley, in a state that can only be described as undressed, performs a strange dance using two chainsaws, before getting involved in a good old-fashioned chainsaw fight with Bauer. There has never been an unertaining film involving a chainsaw fight.

The dance of the chainsaws. Really.

Overall, I found this to be an absolute riot. Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers is, naturally, a phenomenally sleazy low-rent film, and an absolutely cracking one. In these days of grimy nouvelle-Grindhouse, it takes a little, cheap and bloody silly film to remind me that schlock and exploitation are supposed to be fun. There’s nary a rape, the violence is laughably inept, the acting is table-esque and the film is shot by amateurs. Yet none of this matters, because Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers is an absolute blast. Get the beers in, get some mates round and laugh until your sides actually hurt. Just don’t forget your shower cap.

Until next time,

Jarv

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

20 responses to “Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers”

  1. Jarv says :

    Genius, this one.

    Now, to find a copy of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes. In English, this time.

    I speak French, well, understand it, but the last one had the English dialogue with French speaking over the top of it. Confusing and a bit irritating.

    • Xiphos0311 says :

      yeah I agree with your point about judging real Grind House B movies. the acting, writing, direction etc all the technical aspects of making a movie have to be thrown out, they flat out don’t matter with these types of movies. All that matters is did you have fun watching it or not. And I vaguely remember having fun watching it when I saw it at the drive in.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s true, and it’s also what the likes of Cokey don’t understand. This film is fun despite it being terrible, not because of it.

    • tombando says :

      Conquest shouldnt be too hard to find. Its okay, much better than Battle.

  2. ThereWolf says :

    Back in the day, I tried to find a copy of this and the bloke at the video shop was going, “I can get it, give us a couple of weeks, I know someone…” etc. To be fair, he was good at getting hold of hard to find movies. But he never got this one… Wait a sec, in fact I think he DID find one but it was a butchered print so I declined, something crazy like half an hour missing. Fuck that.

    So, yeh, I’m quite keen to see this. Cheers!

  3. Continentalop says :

    Very good review Jarv. I haven’t seen this in years – over a decade really – but I remember it being so whacked out entertaining. F.O.R really understood how to make movies like this.

    Side note, I worked with three people from this movie. Fred Olen Ray (my bro worked with him more), Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer. Ray was a nice guy to work with, even if the projects weren’t that good (hey, we both had to eat), and Michelle was actually one of the nicest persons I ever met on set. Me and my brother became kind of acquaintances with her, did a lot of ADR with her. Glad she stood out to you in this flick.

  4. Toadkillerdog says :

    Great review Jarv! I recall seeing this waaaaay back when. It was indeed a hoot!

    So, uh Jarv? When pray tell might we get MASSACRE AT CENTRAL HIGH???????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! inquiring minds would like to know.

  5. Droid says :

    I laughed at the second example. I guess I should watch it.

Leave a Reply to Continentalop Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: