The Golden Changs 2011

Well, due to producer intransigence we’re running extremely late this time. We made the mistake of allowing Don “Fat Cunt” Murphy to produce, and next thing we knew we were in protracted contract wranglings. Murphy wanted a production rider consisting of the following:

  • 74 Donuts
  • Three blind Albanian hookers, ideally without a sense of smell
  • An industrial size tub of chocolate ice-cream
  • An inflatable sex doll in the shape of a sheep
  • A crate of Newcastle Brown Ale
  • A gaggle of midgets, assorted race and gender
  • A flunky to follow him around saying “Yes Don, you are the best, and so sexy with it” when required
  • The disabled access to the temple improved to allow for his Rascal
  • 2 Kilos of Peruvian marching powder
  • A goldfish bowl full of M&M’s but no green ones
  • A basket of assorted fruit

And that was just the frigging start of it. Anyway, I wasn’t having this, so told the fat cunt that there was no way I was going to improve the disabled access to Walter’s convenience store to get him and his fucking “mobility aid” in. Not only would this be hugely expensive, but he’d stink out the fresh food section forever. This, needless to say, was not great news for the disgusting gelatinous blob. Faster than you can say “Bo-SHUDDAH” , he went on a frenzied rampage and ate all the catering for the day, the wardrobe department and the monkey butler we use to hand out the awards. Well, that was enough, so I fired the fat cunt, and told him to take Chris Tucker with him. So Droid is producing this year, and I’m on hosting detail again. We did keep the coke, though.

*sniff* So with no further ado, the winner’s are…

Film of the Year 2011

The nominations were:

  • Rise of the Planet of the Apes
  • Transformers 3
  • Battle L.A.
  • Rango
  • Tree of Life
  • Kill List

And the winner is….

*insert drum roll*

Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

Well, this is the first time we’ve ever gone all Hollywood and actually used politics to ensure a win. When the nominations went up, I personally thought the excellent rebooting of the Planet of the Apes series would come about third or forth. However, I’d completely misjudged the hideousness of democracy and it looked like the utterly woeful Transformers 3: Retard of the Moon was going to take the prize. So with utter shamelessness, I begged for people to vote for the two nearest contenders below the line. Sure enough, Rise stormed ahead, before Battle L.A. picked up ground consigning Transformers into third place. For all the funny people who voted for the Murph produced sack of shit, thanks- nice try this time. Fucking democracy.

Nevertheless, Rise of the Planet of the Apes is an astonishingly good film (it ranks as one of the surprises of the year), one that went from not being on anyone’s radar for myriad reasons, to an eventual must-see. This is a superb effort, and one I recommend whole-heartedly. If you’re interested here’s my full review

The Chris Klein Award for Best Actor 2011

The nominations were:

  • James Franco (127 Hours, Rise of the Planet of the Apes)
  • Aaron Eckhart (Battle L.A.)
  • Michael Shannon (Take Shelter)

And the winner is….

*insert drum roll*

James Franco

No surprises here, and James can add his coveted Golden Chang to his shelf, which is already groaning under the weight of all the awards picked up for 127 Hours, but is there any need to look that smug?

The Emma Stone-Zombieland award for Best Actress 2011

The nominations were:

  • Natalie Portman (The Black Swan)
  • Saorise Ronan (Hanna, The Way Back)
  • Jacki Weaver (Animal Kingdom)
  • Jessica Chastain (Tree of Life)

The winner is…

*insert drum roll*

Natalie Portman

Well, it is very hard to argue against this, particularly from me considering that my choice didn’t even make the short list. However, in a mostly boring film, Portman was very, very good. Interestingly, this looked like being a real upset, with Ronan holding off Portman and Weaver, but a late flurry of votes ensured that everyone’s favourite child assassin turned ballet dancer snuck in ahead with 33% of the popular vote. Commiserations to Weaver in particular. 

The OUTLANDER Award 2011

For those that can’t remember, OUTLANDER (motherfucker) was one of the films that first united our disparate little troupe. Every year, there are a variety of good-to-great films that are released and then utterly raped on distribution. They usually are genre pictures (like last year’s winner Centurion) featuring stabbery for the most part, but invariably are released on about 3 screens at 1AM ensuring that the multiplexes get another essential screening of some utter garbage like Transformers 3: Cretins in Space, and no-one actually interested in them gets to see them.

This year’s nominations were:

  • Stake Land
  • The Innkeepers
  • Attack the Block

The winner is…

(Unfortunately no Drum Roll this time, as the drummer has died in a freak gardening accident)

Stake Land

Inaccurately billed as being like Zombieland with vampires, Stake Land was nothing of the sort. Completely buried, it forced me to go to the heart of Touristland to see it, and am I glad I did. A hugely underrated little film, deserving of much wider release and all the plaudits thrown at it. I reviewed this on release here.

The Underrated Film of the Year 2011

The nominations were:

  • Battle L.A.
  • The Green Hornet
  • Conan the Barbarian

The winner is…

Battle: Los Angeles

Now, I’m not convinced this is underrated. I think it’s OK, but that’s all, and I wouldn’t jump through hoops for it. However, in a very close race, it just held off The Green Hornet. As far as I can tell, it received a very unmerited critical mauling, looking for a liberal agenda where there wasn’t one, whereas in reality Battle L.A. is a fairly straightforward “men on a mission” movie. Still, Eckhart is excellent, it does barrel along at a fair old pace, and lots of us really, really love it in the Church of Chang. Anyhoo, Xi ranted at the critics, and Ebert in particular, which is probably the most comprehensive dismantling of the negative criticism it received here. Whereas Droid reviewed it here.

The Changian Film of the Year 2011

What do we like? Explosions, action, boob, stabbery, midgets, lesbians if at all possible, tasteful and totally essential to the plot nudity, cheesy acting, aliens, monsters, hammy dialogue and so forth. No film is ever going to be 100% accurate, but some films are geared far more to our tastes than others. This year, funnily enough, hasn’t seen an awful lot of our “type” of movie. Certainly nothing that ticks all the boxes as comprehensively as the likes of Black Dynamite or last year’s winner Bitch Slap did.

The nominations were:

  • Fast 5
  • Conan the Barbarian
  • Attack the Block

The Winner is…

Fast 5

A surprisingly good film, that manages to be far and away the best of a frankly shitty series, Fast 5 took this year’s award in an absolute rout of the competition. However, for Fast 6, please try to keep the Rock involved and find a way to get Jordanna Brewster’s top off and you’ll probably seal this category up for the foreseeable future. 

The Don Murphy Award for Cinematic Failure 2011

No poll here. Sorry, but that’s because there was one film that blew on so many different levels that it received a totally unanimous nod in the nomination process. Despite 2010-2011 consisting of many, many platinum stinkers (Insidious, My Soul to Take, Hobo with a Shotgun, Red Riding Hood, Twilight: Eclipse and so forth), the winner of this not-very-coveted category managed to outshine them all.

So, Zack “Visionary Director” Snyder, step up here and take your prize for….

Sucker Punch

Man, this film was fucking diabolically bad. Uglier than a fat chick with a turd on her face, more boring than a lecture on Excel spreadsheets, Snyder’s frankly ill-conceived mish-mash of incomprehensibility is a slap in the face for any genre fan. It’s got GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS in it for the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Droid, by his own admission, made it about 20 minutes in, whereas I heroically battled on to the insulting and cretinous end.

Sucker Punch is a series of music videos held together on the flimsy premise of being reflections of some poor loopy chick’s mental state. It’s supposed to be a highly stylised insight into the inner workings of a loony’s mind (or at least I think it is), but is such an enormous dick in the arse of genre cinema that it makes me actively angry. Featuring Giant Robots, Nazi’s, Sci-fi, Strippers and so forth, I cannot believe that this turd managed to take a crap on all the things that we hold dear.

I detest all of Snyder’s films that I’ve seen and wish he’d just fuck off and make the music videos that he’s so desperate to stretch out to feature length.

Not only is it astronomically bad, but looking at those three posters above, it is also a cataclysmic failure. Well done Zack, now fuck off and finish ruining Superman once and for all.

_________________________________________________________________________

Right, we all know the drill. Party’s in the back, and I’ve kept most of Murphy’s rider. There’s a bit *sniff* missing, but I’m sure you’ll manage to make do.

Congratulations to all the winners. It’s been emotional,

Jarv.

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

84 responses to “The Golden Changs 2011”

  1. Jarv says :

    I’d like to thank everyone that voted for Rise of the Planet of the Apes and Battle L.A.

    I’d have had a shitfit if a Transformers film had won overall.

    As to the rest of them? Probably fair enough. I’d have tipped Weaver over Portman, and The Green Hornet and Conan (entirely a personal preference) over Battle L.A.

    The Innkeepers made a charge on Stake Land, and I hope that does get a proper release of some sort.

  2. Droid says :

    Good work on the hosting duties, Jarv. Thank fuck Trannyformers 3 didn’t win. That would’ve sullied the good name of the Golden Changs in the same way that Shakespeare in Love sullied the Oscars. It’s a shame Rango didn’t get the votes, because out of that lot it’s definitely my favourite. I guess not that many people have seen it though. Portman is a deserved winner, as is Franco for 127 Hours (Rise, not so much). Green Hornet I think was a more underrated flick than Battle LA, but I can live with that. Snyder can go eat a dick.

    Fast Five FTW!!!

    What were the voting percentages in the end? I’d be interested to know.

    • Jarv says :

      I’ve just discovered you can shut them all. So I’ve closed them.

      Fast 5 took it with 70%, and absolute landslide.

      Stake Land was miles ahead for ages, then when I opened it this morning, I saw the Innkeepers had come back. Final was Stakeland 59% and Innkeepers 29.

      Someone just voted for the Green Hornet, but Battle L.A. Beat it by ONE vote. That was supremely close.

      Portman won with 33%, but someone’s just voted again. Ronan had 28% with Weaver very close behind.

      Franco pissed his with 50%

      and Rise won with (in the end) 40% of the vote. To put this into context though, Until the late splurge, it was joint first with battle and TF3, but TF3 had lead all week.

      • Jarv says :

        Looking at the way the voting went though, it looks like Ronan and TF3 scored all their votes at the start, and the others gradually reeled them in. Portman was actually behind Weaver until the weekend, for example.

  3. Col. Tigh-Fighter says :

    Most of my picks are in there. I did vote for Ronan and Conan (cool, it rhymes!), but otherwise got the lot.

    Sorry, just didnt get Fast 5. Along with Green Lantern, I turned both of them off. Even tried F5 twice, but it just didnt hold my attention. Conan all the way for that shit!

    Frankly, Stakeland should have just won everything in my book, apart from all the stuff Rise won.

    • Droid says :

      Didn’t like Conan at all.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s funny, because a lot of people I know have now seen it, and nobody is “meh” about it.

        Also, it runs at about half-half on like v hate. Surprising.

        The thing is, I’ve seen it twice now, and I reckon that I could have improved that script exponentially, and I’m a hack amateur.

      • Droid says :

        Yeah, I don’t “hate” it, but in the end I didn’t like it very much. There’s a couple of good scenes, mainly at the start with Perlman and young Conan. But overall it’s a thumbs down.

        I bet you could’ve improved the scipt.

        Scene 1

        Exterior – Day

        A large scale bloody battle that sees Conan defeat his enemies by chopping their limbs and heads off.

        Scene 2

        Interior- Night

        Conan celebrates his victory by drinking mead and arm wrestling while surrounded by hot, topless women.

        Scene 3

        Interior – Day

        Conan battles the evil sorcerer, chopping limbs and heads off henchmen until he chops the head off the big bad guy. He rescues the hot, topless princess.

        Scene 4

        Exterior – Night

        Conan relaxes next to a campfire after a hard days head and limb chopping surrounded by hot, topless women while the hot, topless princess services his junk.

        The End.

        It’s only a 4 scene film, but those are 4 strong scenes.

      • Jarv says :

        I was thinking with the film they turned out.

        For example, an easy improvement would be to move the fight with the tentacle thing to the cave. There’s no reason for him to go to Zym’s place at all.

        Also, I’d have stuffed every single scene full of nudity that I could get away with- the Ship, for example, would have had naked chicks serving mead and tending to Conan.

        You missed punching a camel.

      • Droid says :

        You missed punching a camel.

        I don’t really want them to replicate Arnie’s Conan. Punching a camel was a one time deal. If the new Conan did it would be dumb.

        The tentacle thing was a crap scene. I’d have dumped it. Along with the wirefu parkour sandmen scene.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s all the CGI bits of it that really hurt it. The thing with the Sandmen, is that he was getting pwnd by Zym anyway, and she cheated, which is the dual in itself, and no need for more.

  4. Col. Tigh-Fighter says :

    What about best soundtrack? Chemical Bros for Hanna for sure. Tron a close second.

    It was a good year for soundtracks.

  5. Continentalop says :

    Good job producing again this year, Droid & Jarv. You went only 25 minutes over this year (which is still four hours shorter than the fucking Oscars).

    • Jarv says :

      Cheers Conti.

      I knew getting Warwick Davis to freestyle rap “Since you’ve been gone” by Rainbow as an ode to Don Murphy was a mistake, but it had strippers in the back.

  6. Continentalop says :

    Man, the Golden Chang just reminds me I really have to watch more movies made after 1979.

  7. Just Pillow Talk says :

    My underrated choice was The Green Hornet, since I was suprised I enjoyed it. Battle LA is a movie right up my alley, so it was pretty much a given I’d like that one.

    • Jarv says :

      Mine too. Particularly given the sheer volume of negative stuff about it.

      Not a bad little film, all in all.

      • Droid says :

        The thing with TGH, is that we all underrated it. Even me, who was probably the most optimistic about it. We all went “meh” over it. I didn’t even bother seeing it at the cinema. But it turned out to be a good movie. One that didn’t deserve the kicking it got from certain corners. Ebert gave it 1 star. 1!

        “The Green Hornet” is an almost unendurable demonstration of a movie with nothing to be about.

      • Jarv says :

        I was fairly strongly anti-it.

        Rogen+ shit trailer+ ANOTHER funnybook?

        Fuck that.

        I was seriously wrong.

      • Droid says :

        For comparison, he gave Invictus 3.5. I’d call that movie “an almost unendurable demonstration of a movie that chooses to be about nothing.”

      • Jarv says :

        Invictus?

        Tried to watch it. One chang. THUMB DOWN.

        Not getting the finger, but man, what a loaf.

      • Droid says :

        I wouldn’t Angry Ape it, but I was so friggin bored. Who gives shit about rugby? Nelsen Mandela has an interesting life. Tell his fucking story, not some shit about sniff bum and run uniting a nation.

      • Jarv says :

        Who gives shit about rugby?

        Me, and I was actively bored by it.

      • Droid says :

        I did mean who gives a shit about rugby in the context of a Nelsen Mandela story. But yeah, there you go. If a rugby fan is bored by it then you know the films in trouble.

      • koutchboom says :

        I liked Invictus, I thought they did a good job with the rugby. I know I’m like the only one who liked it though, and it’s also probably the only Clint film I’ve enjoyed since Space Cowboys. Granted I need to see his two world war movies and the Changeling/FDR, but those all look boring as fuck.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        Invictus was such a mudane effort by Clint. How one could rate it a 3.5 is beyond me, it’s a movie that defines “it’s just there”.

        Green Hornet was a fun movie.

      • koutchboom says :

        I wish they had just gone for the R with Green Hornet, the whole movie just felt a bit held back for some reason. Also I never buy Kato putting up with Seth, they should’ve made that bond stronger. It was an interesting movie, I didn’t hate it but I didn’t love it. Bored the shit out of me when I tried to watch on cable.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        I liked Changeling a lot, Jolie was good in it.

        Flags of our Fathers was meh…Letters from Iwo Jima was better.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Ebert, nearly by default, gives Eastwood movies 3 stars or more.

        I think this even applies to stuff like Absolute Power and Blood Work.

        I wonder if he’s ever ‘thumbs-downed’ a movie Eastwood directed?

      • koutchboom says :

        Lemme see what Ebert said about Space Cowboys, because that movie has some weak science and Ebert being the NASA consultant he is usually goes ape shit over that.

      • koutchboom says :

        Heheh DAMNIT 3 stars as well.

      • Droid says :

        The Rookie I think he gave a thumbs down to.

        I like Absolute Power and Blood Work was okay in a bog standard mystery type way.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I wish I shared the sentiment about Hornet. Alas, Im a bit closer to Ebert in that regard. He’s still wrong about it being that bad.

        My angle is that it simply isn’t really The Green Hornet as a character, and if it’s not going to be that character, don’t call it The Green Hornet. Beyond that, I just don’t get the reason for making him a douchebag other than its the performance that Seth can most easily pull off.

        Seth was good in a movie this year, but it was 50/50, not Green Hornet. I also admit to seeing it once in a 3D that was so abominable I literally took the glasses off a few times, blurry be damned.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah they easily could’ve called it something else and no one would’ve noticed they would just have to change a few things.

      • Jarv says :

        Knowing nothing about the character, other than that he has a sidekick who used to be Bruce Lee called Kato, that didn’t bother me. I usually hate Rogen, but thought he was OK.

      • koutchboom says :

        That is also true, no one really gives a shit about the character anymore, except for old people who don’t make up the sort of box office they were going for with the movie to begin with.

      • koutchboom says :

        It was funny I saw the movie sitting next to some sweet old lady, and she was all excited because she grew up with the radio show and the tv show and loved it. Fucking hated the movie, too violent she had to turn her head away from the screen a couple of times, too vulgar and not the Green Hornet.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        that old lady was probably me, Koutch.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I should have specified ‘directed by Eastwood’, which since 1993, I think, amounts to everything.

        Did Eastwood direct Rookie?

      • Droid says :

        He did I think.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        you are right on both counts. He did direct it, and Ebert did give it 2 stars.

        I think it’s everything after Unforgiven, which is sort of where Eastwood rebranded himself as classy, important, and a visionary.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        the argument of ‘no one gives a crap about the character’ still shouldn’t dictate tearing it apart in that way, mostly because, I think if they had stuck to the character as it were, I think almost everyone here–and certainly more of the general public–would have likely enjoyed the film more.

        My point is the enjoyment of the pic is seemingly higher if you don’t know the character, and that margin is much larger than it usually is.

        This isn’t ‘flames on optimus’ this is a complete bait and switch.

        I also think, though, that if the movie itself were stronger, I could have easily overlooked that. The final car chase was pretty good though, and the scene of the Black Beauty getting buried.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m not saying that- I do agree with you that the margin seems to be huge here.

        I don’t think that sticking to the character would have improved it. The character, as I understand it, is one plastic codpiece away from being called Batman. Had it stuck closer to the character, then most (who are unfamiliar) would have gone “fucking batman rip off” and the margin would have been huge, but the other way- it would have been Watchmen.

      • Droid says :

        The whole movie was strong. The whole Kato slow motion thing was good. And I liked that Rogen was a jerk, and pretty much continued to be a jerk. He’s a much more interesting character than Nolans tortured grumbler Bruce Wayne for example.

      • koutchboom says :

        I didn’t mind him being a douche, there just needed to be a bigger bond between Kato and him, like they were child hood friends are some shit and Seth save him once when he was younger. He just treated Kato way too much like shit for Kato to ever give a shit about him, so when he came back at the end it was very hard to believe.

      • koutchboom says :

        The movie played out like Pineapple Express for me, in theaters it was ok for a few good laughs and some fun action scenes, but at home it sort of drags and is boring and not funny. Also both those movies sort of look the same.

      • Jarv says :

        My biggest problem with the film. Him bonding with Kato while waiting for his dad or something.

        Not a lot, just something there so that Kato didn’t want to leave him to die.

      • Droid says :

        I bought that the relationship. They weren’t best friends. They were each doing it for different reasons. By the end, they’re friends. Nothing too complicated.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Not to me. The slo-motion and Rogen’s persona felt like been there done that, and there was nothing of real interest going on in the plot. Aside from Gondry’s take on most of the action scenes, I just wasn’t tuned into it.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah compare Gondry’s take on an action scene to Tarseem’s take on an action scene and tell me who you want more action scenes from.

      • koutchboom says :

        I know those are fairly different directors, just thinking of odd directors that made an action movie recently.

  8. Toadkillerdog says :

    AHHHHHH HAEL NAW!
    No fucking way! We wuz robbed! Robbed blind! Blinder than Ray Charles in a dark room. Blinder than Don Murphy with a chance to produce an A+++ script vs Revenge of the lesbian transformer midget, RLTM every time.
    This shit was rigged! Battle LA should have won! Jarv even kinda sort admitted to rigging the DANG hing! ” I begged for people to vote for the two nearest contenders below the line. Sure enough, Rise stormed ahead, before Battle L.A. picked up ground consigning Transformers into third place” How many people voted? I DEMAND to see the voting results! How many people are eligible to vote? How many moonwolves – and their assorted midget hookers (straight, lesbian and robotic)are there? Did people get to vote multiple times? Where the fuck was the UN voting rights oversight travel the world to party on the dime of the rich countries- thingamajig? I demand and investigation! I think NAZIS where behind this. Fucking chimpanzee loving Nazis! Here is my proof “Featuring Giant Robots, Nazi’s, Sci-fi, Strippers and so forth, I cannot believe that this turd managed to take a crap on all the things that we hold dear.” When the FUCK did moonwolves start holding nazis dear unless they were frozen zombies nazis in that video from the woman with the fantastic ass whose name escapes me
    -cause frankly i was too spell bound by that luscious derriere to think about her name.
    DANG!!!! i DEMAND ANSWERS!

  9. Bill Madlock says :

    Must learn to utilize the Chicago Way in a more effective fashion.

    • Toadkillerdog says :

      Yeah Bill, i agree the chicago way, and someday some chimpanzee loving frozen nazi is going to regret they ever heard of Revenge of the Lesbian Transformer Midgets!

    • Toadkillerdog says :

      No, Tom, the one with Jennifer Jason Leigh getting Dp’ed by Warwicke and a roboticized Dinklage and producing a miniature hybrid lesbian transformer killing machine bent on revenge and wiping out all males of every species and getting as much hairy nooky as possible

  10. Continentalop says :

    Regarding the Green Hornet:

    Hey, I care about the character. And I agree with Bart, they never should have called him the Green Hornet if they didn’t like the character to begin with.

    Yes Jarv, he is a lot like Batman (Batman is based on him and the Shadow and a bunch of other pulp characters) but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t have made an interesting GH movie that was more serious. In fact, I think the thing with the GH is you could have made it into the Batman movie that never will get made.

    Lot of Batman fans want to see a Golden Age Bats, one set in the 30s & 40s. Won’t ever happen. But they could of made a GH that was set back in the 30’s, when the character first appeared. I think that would have been much more novel than trying to do a bad Batman parody.

    Also, they really should do a Lone Ranger movie first considering the fact the Green Hornet is his grand nephew.

    • Jarv says :

      I wasn’t disparaging him.

      When you say “Green Hornet to me” I think of 2 things:

      1) Bruce Lee
      2) Adam West Batman featuring Green Hornet as a one off and both characters being interchangeable.

      It might have been a nice idea to go Golden age with it. Not out of the question, though.

      • Continentalop says :

        I think of those two things, but I also think of George S. Patton, since it supposedly was one of his nicknames, and his connection to the Lone Ranger.

        Oh, and Flight of the Bumblebee.

  11. ThereWolf says :

    Well done & many thanks for putting the Changs together.

    I’m sure those that won did so deservedly. Hopefully I’ll get around to watching some of the nominated titles soon-ish…

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