Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics! Number 1: The Blade Trilogy

He clearly wasn’t taught enough of a lesson by the Birthday Series. That’s the only conclusion I can draw from this in that Just Pillow Talk is back, and this time he’s taking on the entire Marvel Series. He’s clearly not thought this out properly (Elektra!) so it should be good for a few chuckles on our end. He’s launching with the Blade series, which is the equivalent of training to fight Tyson by beating up a 9 year old.

Anyhoo, that’s me done, here he is:

Welcome to Pillow’s Marvel Mayhem Tour of Funny Book Movies!

Since I just wrapped up my mind numbing birthday series, Jarv and Droid were very eager to launch me into yet another miserable foray of cinema. When Jarv mentioned Marvel movies, I immediately latched onto that suggestion thinking it would be a “breeze”. What my pea sized brain neglected to remind me of is that there’s a fair amount of shit to wade through. So, what are my parameters for this series? I will only review those movies either that I own (like the three films in this first review…yes, even Blade Trinity…completion bullshit excuse) or that Netflix has available in their library. I will not tackle this in any particular order, and I think I may bundle them together (Blades, X-men’s, FF’s, you get the fucking idea) and do one review for each funny book. Since I’ve seen almost all of them, I’m not going to tackle the ones released this past year until the end of this trek once I’ve gotten to viewing them a second time to see if they hold up. I haven’t read comics in well over twenty years, so I will not hold the films to a strict rule of adherence to the comic books. I’m just looking to see if they get the characterization of our heroes right or not. With that in mind we journey in the world of vampires and a fellow dressed in black and a penchant for killing those things: Blade. Before the movie came out, I knew nothing about the character so this is looking at each movie on its own merits instead of comparing to a comic.

Blade (1998)

To begin with, I’ve always been a fan of Wesley Snipes. He has a screen presence, and most importantly considering the majority of films he makes, I believe he could kick ass. He hasn’t always made the best movies, and suffering from money troubles, hasn’t been in many ‘big’ movies in a while now. It was good to see him in Brooklyn’s Finest, which was a decent movie, and he actually got to act in it. That being said, the character Blade fits the dude like a glove. All menace, little talk, man of action. That is what Snipes was meant to do!

The opening of this movie is great, simply put. A vampire underground club, music blaring, complete with a sprinkle system of blood. Every vampire is covered head to toe in blood, including a poor sap lead down there by a vampire, thinking he’ll get lucky. He’s crawling on his hands and knees, trying in vain to be anywhere but there. And who is standing in his way? Blade…dressed all in black without a drop of blood on him. The vampire’s part like the red sea before him in fear and the kicking ass begins. That scene establishes that vampires are indeed among us, they have a society structure in place, and Blade is not to be fucked with. One thing leads to another and one of the vampires Quinn ends up getting taken to the hospital (Blade pinned him to the wall and lit him on fire) when the cops show up after his little encounter with Blade at the club. He ends up attacking a doctor (Karen) and bites her thereby infecting her. Blade decides to bring her back to his hideout with Whistler, giving us the 3rd party look into the world of vampires and how there are those who bring the fight to them.

Stephen Dorff plays the vampire antagonist to Blade, and to the vampire establishment. He thinks that the vampires should be ruling the world and not allowing the humans to coexist with them. He has plans of unleashing the blood god (just becoming really powerful) upon the world thereby eliminating those pesky humans and any vampire cunts that are too wussy to start eliminating said humans. The key to the ceremony of unleashing that god is Blade’s blood, of a day-walker. Oh, and twelve vampire saps to become mince meat. Now, don’t all raise your hands up at once to volunteer.

Suffice to say Blade is able to thwart Frost’s plan and save the day. So what is good about the first Blade? Wesley Snipes like mentioned above. He plays intense…real good I’d say. He’s also given come cracking good lines like summing up his relationship with Whistler: “He makes the weapons, I use them.” Or after he’s in the midst of offing Frost: “Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate up hill.”

Stephen Dorff seems like he had a great time playing Frost, and he’s a great villain here. Someone who wants to be a greater vampire than what the vampire establishment qualify as a “true blood”, of which Frost is not since he was bitten, not one of birth. As much as he despises the humans, he also uses them in his network (called familiars) to handle tasks that a vampire cannot, especially during the daytime. You can also tell he respects Blade’s powers, but thinks he’s wasting his talents by protecting the humans. Frost and Blade finally come face to face,

Frost tells Blade that the humans will never accept him, they are afraid of him because “You’re an animal. A fucking maniac”. He delivers it with some zest.

Issues with the film? I find it surprising that the 12 council members succumb to Frost so easily, I mean, shouldn’t they have some peeps to back them up like Frost has? Seems a bit strange to me. The other thing that bothered me was the inclusion of Blade’s mom in Frost’s circle. Turns out, Frost is the one who bit Blade’s mom and “created” Blade. Much like we’ll find in the Spider-Man series, there’s no need to tie the villain and hero so intricately. He’s bad, Blade is good, there’s your conflict. The fx is okay for most of the film; spotty in others particularly in a few parts involving blood where it’s clearly cgi’d and does not look good.

Those nitpickings aside, it’s a solid 3 Pomeranians out of 4 and one of the better entries into funny book filming.

Blade II (2002)

After watching this again, my feelings have changed.  By that I mean I always felt before that Blade II was better than the original, but after this viewing and watching them back-to-back, I have to amend that statement.  The original is the superior film.  Why?  While Nomak is this film is the more deadly villain, Frost entertained me more.  The villains in this film are not just your regular old vampires, no, there’s a new strain of vampires called reapers.  How were they created?  Seems the head vampire is searching to improve the genetics of the vampire race and turn them more like Blade, all of their powers, none of their weaknesses.  The vampires decide they need the help of Blade and recruit him to join a vampire hunting group called the Bloodpack (including Ron Pearlman and Donnie Yen, who I will include in here and say was CRIMINALLY UNDERUSED) to track down the reapers and eliminate them.

To this day it still boggles my mind that they brought back Whistler, I mean, the dude shot himself in the first one after Frost and his boys got to him.  Oh wait, no, just kidding.  He didn’t off himself, and in fact was taken by the vampires.  Blade rescues him and he’s back in the fold just like that.  Poor decision.

Basically the movie is devoted to Blade and the Bloodpack in a couple of encounters with the Reapers, where one by one, the Bloodpack are taken out by the Reapers.  It all leads to the showdown between Blade and Nomak, which I will say I thought was handled for the most part quite effectively.  I say for the most part because the fx in this film is good and bad.  The reapers themselves, the way their mouth opens and the way they are able to withstand an assortment of attacks are quite excellent.  However, in some of the fight scenes they decided to fx it up, which totally takes you out of the fighting.  By that I mean they spidey it up, fx’ing the leaps and jumps of each attacker making it look totally fake and plain awful.  I’m looking at the Blade vs. two vampires at his hideout as the prime example of how not to use fx in a movie.  The fighting in front of the lights looks hideous when they decide to use fx instead of the actual actors.

The atmosphere of the movie is great, which is due to Guillermo del Toro.  You do get the feeling that these vampires aren’t long for the world against the reapers.

Snipes doesn’t have nearly the great lines he had in the first one, however, when surrounded by reapers he screams “You do not know who you are fucking with!”  And then he promptly turns them all to ash.  He’s clearly head and shoulders above any vampire, which takes away from any threat created by them.  I mean, who doesn’t think Blade won’t whoop any vampire ass?  Nomak, from a physical standpoint, poses a real threat to Blade, but he’s missing that pizzazz in my opinion that Frost possessed.

It’s still a worthy successor to the original; it just can’t quite match it.  I give it 2.5 Pomeranians out of 4.

Blade Trinity (2004)

 And now we come to the child no one wants to mention.  If the first Blade is the honor student and the second Blade is good at sports, this one rides the short bus.  How could it go wrong?  For one, Blade works alone.  Sure, he worked with the Bloodpack, but it was an uneasy alliance to say the least, and they really weren’t a ‘team’.  He doesn’t need a team and while I like Ryan Reynolds, a Blade movie is not one where someone should be cracking jokes all the time.  It serves as an annoying distraction more than anything else.  Sure, Jessica Biel kicked ass, but I want to see Blade kick ass.  It is supposed to be a Blade movie after all.  Oh, Biel is Whistler’s daughter btw.  Yup, isn’t that nice how it comes full circle?

The first two movies were never dragged down with boring ass scenes.  What do we have in the third?  A fucking TV interview with the chief of police and a psychiatrist discussing Blade and what is rattling in his head.  WTF.  Talk about a buzz kill.  That has no business being in a Blade movie.  I want to see vampires turning into ash for fuck’s sake.  There’s another scene with the psychiatrist in the police station that seemed to drag on and added nothing to the movie.  Oh no, he’s a familiar!  Pah.  We also have Whistler in the movie just so that we can see him die for real this time to speed along our meeting between Blade and the Nightstalkers.

The real stake in the heart of this movie is the horrible, and I mean horrible, villains.  Parker Posey, Dominic Purcell, the wrestler dude, are all shit.  I mean, was this a joke?  Parker Posey as a vampire?  Her acting is atrocious.  The big bad scheme against Blade: launch a bad PR campaign against him…this qualifies as a great villain?  Dominic Purcell is supposed to be the great Dracula, yet the script devotes zero time to establishing him more than a cardboard cutout of a character.  He is uninteresting and has zero charisma.  And lest I forget, they decided to go the Hulk route (ugh) and make vampire dogs.  Out of a Pomeranian.  Fucking stupid.  The special effects take a step back in this installment as well, so there is nothing to hang its hat on.

The movie blows and I think one scene typifies it extremely well.  When Blade and Whistler’s daughter get back to the Nightstalker’s hideout, they discover Dracula had wiped out everyone there.  Whistler’s daughter is distraught over finding her blind friend dead and Blade is standing in the background watching, saying “Use it.  Use it.  USE IT.”  Cue Whistler’s daughter yelling in anger.  The way the scene plays out it just comes across very cringe worthy and just “off”.  It doesn’t work in the slightest.  The above pictures signify everything about this movie: shit villains, not enough Blade doing what Blade does best.

This is a zero Pomeranian film.  The drop-off in quality is remarkable.

Pillow out

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

72 responses to “Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics! Number 1: The Blade Trilogy”

  1. Jarv says :

    Hope this is ok.

    You’ll get a different logo each time as I’ve already done the spider man one.

  2. Xiphos0311 says :

    Blade 1 & 2 are number one and two on the best funny book to film adaptation list none better. They were smart to take a character that isn’t even a z list hero to use. They could do what ever they wanted with him and there wouldn’t be a nerd comic book loser backlash complete with stupid ass bitching over changes made. It also helped that Blade was I think the first new comic strip movie adaptation since Schmachers gay dance club fantasy Batman movies and kicked off the mania for the funny book movie.

    I enjoy Blade 3 sure its not even a pimple on the other movies ass but its so bizarre and goofy I can’t help but like it and come on who hasn’t used the line “cock gobbling thunder cunt” on occasion I know I have. I think Blade 3 is more of a comedy then anything. I laugh at Beil trying to a tough bad ass chick she fails miserably. Parker Posey, HHH and no neck as villains is hilariously bad. The convulted throw everything at the wall and see what sticks approach to the story laughable. Ryan Reynolds was a riot and for his first foray into action was remarkably competent. Dopey but enjoyabl is what Blade 3 in my opinion but I can understand people not liking it.

    • Jarv says :

      Fuck funny book nerds. Pandering to them gives us Watchmen

    • just pillow talk says :

      Blade Trinity is horrendous, no way around it. There is no defense for it, and I have a bad feeling it will rate lower than the FF’s for fuck’s sake. Bad, bad, bad.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        sure there’s a defense, for me its so bad its good. But like I said I get why people don’t like.

      • Jarv says :

        Ordinarily I’m all over that like a rash, however, there’s something about Blade 3 that just precludes that. HHH does his best to entertainingly suck, as does Posey, and Reynolds supplies some funnies. Dracula morphing into a power rangers villain at the end helps.

        BUT: vampire pomeranians suck something fierce, Biel needed to get her juggs out, and lots of it is just po-faced and boring. The USE IT scene above is a great example.

        So, no. It blows. However, there are moments when it gets towards so bad it’s good land.

        And I have used the “cock juggling thundercunt” line

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        No Jarv there’s something for you that precludes that. for me I find it to be so bad that’s its entertaining.

      • Jarv says :

        Yes. Indeed. Hence the opening part of the sentence.

  3. Xiphos0311 says :

    Good luck with this series Pillows. There are some awful movies, that rival your birthday list, coming up. Be strong.

    • Continentalop says :

      I’m not as big of fan of the Blade series as others here, but at least 1 & 2 did something interesting. 3 was just abysmal.

      And fucking Dracula in Marvel comics is way more interesting and clever than the one in Blade 3. Fuck, Dracula in Marvel launched a vampire invasion of Great Britain from his Castle on the Moon!

      • Continentalop says :

        I have no clue why I posted this as a reply to Xi.

      • koutchboom says :

        With Blade 2 they fucked the series, the only way to go is Blade 3.

        But in terms of comic book movies of 3, it’s probably second only to the first three Batman’s and hopefully the second three batmans. Heheh fuck all you got though is Batman -1, Batman – Nolan, Spiderman, Oh I guess old Superman. Is that it? Oh X-men, yeah so Blade 3 is second only to Batman Forever. Seems to be the rule of 3 with comic book movies they are bored with trying to take it serious and are just having a joke and fun with it.

      • koutchboom says :

        And too be fair…the Blade series did have it’s own gay dance club sensibilities to it.

      • Jarv says :

        Superman3 pisses on the rest.

        However, in reality: they’re all crap.

      • just pillow talk says :

        Um, how did Blade 2 “fuck the series”???? By still being of high quality thereby forcing them to change it up for part 3 by making it utter shit?

  4. tombando says :

    Can’t wait for the new, inevitable French Hulk vs china Hulk battles. For what its worth, Eiffel Tower Hulk > Hong kong Fooey Hulk.

  5. Droid says :

    Blade 3 is complete and utter dogshit. Nothing about it is remotely entertaining. Unwatchable. Orang of Doom.

    Blade 2 is good fun, and does feature some nifty gruesome villains, but the CG stuntmen is terrible and Whistler somehow being alive (a shitty cheat that has a knock on effect in changing our thinking towards the events of first one) is totally wrong. 2.5 Changs.

    Blade is awesome. Great character establishment without dwelling too much on origin, brilliant opening scene, really good villain and Snipes doiing his best Eastwood impersonation. I’m sure I reviewed it ages ago, but I can’t seem to find it. Maybe I did it for Jonah. Anyway, 3.5 Changs.

    • Jarv says :

      I did it for the Birthday Series.

      Can’t wait for the Daredevil and Elektra double bill here. Or the Hulk v Hulk one.

      • Droid says :

        Well, half of both of those doubles are good movies. I’ll let you figure out which half.

      • Droid says :

        He has to do 5 X-Men films. Bleh.

      • Jarv says :

        And 3 spideys, Ghost Rider, 3 punisher films, The Iron Man double and so forth.

        See, this is a deceptive one. When you start it, it sounds easy, but there is an awful amount of crap in there.

        Really, there are 4 Hulk films that he should do.

      • Jarv says :

        Elektra and Le Hulk?

        If I had to rank them, then I’d go:

        Daredevil: 1.5
        Le Hulk 1
        Stir Fry Hulk 0.5
        Elektra 0

        All crap.

      • Droid says :

        Wang Chung Hulk… 3
        Daredevil DC… 2.5
        Le Hulk… 0.5
        Elektra… OoD

      • Jarv says :

        I freely admit that I haven’t seen the DC of Daredevil. Is it really that much better?

        We’ll save the Hulk row until this:

        JPT v Hulk

      • Droid says :

        It’s actually quite a lot better. It’s more character stuff, which just lets you see DD (what’s his name? Matt Murdoch?) as a lawyer doing his thing. It might seem like little, but it helps the character immensely. But I also didn’t dislike the original version. It was just okay.

      • Jarv says :

        I mildly disliked the original, but didn’t hate it, and there was lots in it that didn’t suck. Hence the 1.5.

        I’ve heard this about the DC before, and was just curious.

      • Jarv says :

        I really like this series, it gives a lot of opportunities for things like this:

        Iron Man

      • Continentalop says :

        I haven’t seen the DC of Daredevil, but I can’t imagine them doing much to improve that POS. I hated that movie.

        Note to guys who adapt comic books into movies: don’t start off the series with the biggest and most important storyline. The first movie should be about the characters origin and introducing him to the audience, not fucking do an abridged version of their greatest and most important moment (I’m also looking at you Spider-Man One -thanks for fucking up the death of Gwen Stacy storyline, assholes).

      • Jarv says :

        On that note, don’t kill the most important villain as well.

        Paging, oooh, almost every funny book adaptation out there.

      • Droid says :

        Yeah, this is why it’s better not to be a funny book nerd. I don’t know jack shit about 98% of superheros and their associated villains, sidekicks, love interests etc etc. I just watch the movies and either enjoy them or don’t.

      • Continentalop says :

        Your pics for Pillow makes me wish he was doing DC characters instead. That way Jarv could do something the famous picture of Green Arrow’s sidekick shooting up with heroin.

      • Continentalop says :

        If you’re talking about Green Goblin, he isn’t the most important villain. If you’re talking about Doc Oct, you’re right. They shouldn’t have killed him off.

      • Jarv says :

        The Joker, actually.

      • Droid says :

        Who’s the villain in the Spiderman reboot?

      • Jarv says :

        Dunno.

        Green Goblin?

      • Droid says :

        That’s what I was thinking, but isn’t Rhys Ifans the villain? Don’t seen him as GG. Wiki will know.

      • Droid says :

        Rhys Ifans as Dr. Curt Connors

      • Jarv says :

        This should have been part 3.

        Fucking Spidey 3. Made me hate Spider-Man and that was one of the very few comics I read when growing up.

      • Jarv says :

        Man, the shit he’s got to watch on this is hilarious:

        X-Men (all of them), Spidey 1 and 3, Daredevil, Elektra, Both Hulks, Ghost Rider, Captain America (1990), Punishers,

      • Droid says :

        Spidey 1 is okay. The first half is better than the second. DD I like, and Wolverine I had fun with. I thought you liked the Punisher movies. I enjoyed the last one. Hated the Travolta one. Hulk is good.

        But… he’s gotta watch blah crap like X-Men: The Wonder Years, The Curious Case of Steve Rogers’ Floating Head and Iron Man Poo.

        The thing that strikes me about the list is that there are no genuinely great films on it apart from the first Blade maybe. DC at least has a few.

      • Jarv says :

        Not one now blade has gone. There’s a lot that lurks around the 2.5-3 mark.

        I’d Orangutan the following as well: Elektra, Ghost Rider, IM2, Spidey 3

        I’d give less than one to a lot.

        I do like TJ’s punisher, and I don’t know why.

      • Jarv says :

        Hulk is shit. Both of them.

      • Droid says :

        Nah, you’re wrong on this one. Hulk is good. TIH is shit. But really, I’m kinda done with that subject. We’ve been getting nowhere for years.

      • Jarv says :

        This never goes anywhere but:

        Both of them have huge self-inflicted problems. Ang Lee tried to make a fucking greek tragedy, so turned in a limp-wristed overwrought piece of stupidity about an unstoppable green monster with daddy issues that fights a cloud in the climactic battle. Not to mention all the crap with Starfish DNA. Any way you dress that up, it’s still shit.

        Le Hulk, on the other hand, is cretinous garbage and turned in a poo coloured hulk with erectile dysfunction who fought a giant turd in the final battle. Any way you cut that is shit as well.

        ASide from that, this should probably be saved until he does his hulk v hulk.

        Which is a terrifyingly boring double bill.

      • Droid says :

        Bah. Stupid phone didn’t post my comment. Anyhoo, it was pretty much the “wait for the Hulk review” sentiment, because we’ve been going back and forth for years on this subject and we never get anywhere.

      • Jarv says :

        You finally got an iphone?

      • Droid says :

        Fuck no. Apple can eat shit. I got the Samsung Galaxy S2. Quite a handy little gadget. Allowed me to watch Alphas on my long bus rides in Spain. Ridiculous price though. Can’t believe I agreed to pay £27 a month for a fucking phone.

      • Jarv says :

        Did you download the wordpress thingy? It’s really good for comments.

      • Droid says :

        Yeah, I did. It is good. Only problem is that I can only reply to a comment. Can’t just post a new comment. Unless I’m missing something.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        Shit, that is a lot. I’m lucky my stupid work gave me a phone, so that’s one less expense to worry about. I would have gone the el cheapo route anyway and gotten a pay-as-you-go phone.

        Daredevil DC is better like Droid said. it seems (except for the Hulk) I tend to agree with Droid on most funny book movies, at least for Marvel.

      • Jarv says :

        Mine’s about £35.

        However, the allowances before I start paying on it are fucking ludicrous. I never get anywhere near my allocation.

      • Droid says :

        I’ve had mine a month and for the first bill maybe used a third of the allowances. I would have to spend 14 hours a day on it to start paying extra.

      • Jarv says :

        Daft isn’t it

      • Droid says :

        Whats really fucking daft is that plan I got is on the lower end of the scale, allowancewise. I honestly don’t know how people can take advantage something like 1000 minutes, Unlimited Texts and 1GB of Internet.

      • Jarv says :

        Mines at the lower end as well. I’ve no idea how you’d use that much.

      • Droid says :

        I’ve had the same samsung phone for 5 years on a £10 plan. It did everything I wanted at a good price. But it was showing signs of age. Shutting down randomly and things like that. So I stumped up the cash for a new one. I like Samsung phones. Good quality.

        I really, really want to say Hulk FTW here, but I will hold off until your review.

  6. ThereWolf says :

    Sucker for punishment you, Pillow…

    I like the ‘Blade’ series. They decrease in enjoyment with each one – well, it’s a small drop between 1 & 2, then a larger drop between 2 & 3. I’ll have to watch ‘Blade 3’ again because I didn’t find it particularly hateful. “Use it…” – he probably only needs to say that once, quietly, and then let Biel get there, the music cue does the job.

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      I found zero enjoyment in it Wolfie, and considering the nature and atmosphere of the first two, what they did with the third, turned out some dogshit with the last one.

      • Jarv says :

        So, you feeling brave enough to take on Daredevil and Elektra yet? Or Hulk v Hulk?

      • Droid says :

        The X-Men Quintology!

      • Jarv says :

        I don’t think he’s seen X Men: Creche yet. And it won’t be out on DVD.

        There’s plenty of garbage to go at first.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        Yeah, I may delve into the Hulk movies next.

        I just watched X-Men First Class, and I liked it, and I think it’s my favorite of the X-men movies. That’s strictly because of Fassbender and McAvoy, who I thought were both very good in it and far superior to Stewart and McKellan.

      • Droid says :

        Fass was good. McAvoy I didn’t like. But I don’t really like him anyway. Good first 30 minutes (well, good first three or four Magneto scenes). Terrible rest of the film. And some really shitty special effects. The flying effects looked worse than friggin’ Supes: The Movie!

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        I love Blade! Until Captain America came out it was my number one comic book movie of all time. I need to wathc Blade, blad II and Cap back to back to back to make a definitive answer but blade II is a hugely entertaining flick.

        I saw Real Steel and Tower Heist this weekend.
        RS was good not great and surprisingly not all that rousing -I expected more of a rocky-esqe type deal, but it was still entertaining if not particularly memorable.

        Tower Heist was a bit of a disappointment. It was not really a thriller and it had few laugh out loud moments. It was pg-13 murphy who was not used very well and the story and editing and directing were pedestrian. In short it was the ratner that most expected – and I generally like ratner.

      • Droid says :

        Man, Blade shits all over Captain America.

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        Good job piddoes, another huge challenge.
        Blade is the damn near perfect comic book movie and still is the greatest superhero origin with the greatest opening scene of all time. Hell that opening scene is one of the greatest of any genre.

        Middle kingdom Hulk vs Maginot Line Hulk!

        My money is on the cheese and frog set

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        I do agree about the flying effects, particularly that butterfly chick.

        Thor > Captain America = X-men First Class, though I may put X-men ahead of it based upon the performances. Strike it, Thor > X-men > Captain America.

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