Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare: Son of the Mask (2005)

Son of the Mask may possibly be the worst film on this list. The Mask was a mildly entertaining diversion of a kids film, that basically hung on Jim Carrey’s performance as the title character. It wasn’t a masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination, and did feature a piss joke, but it wasn’t an entirely hateful experience.

Drawing on Looney Toons cartoons, The Mask was at least an inventive effort, and the nascent CGI still holds up surprisingly well today. However, there is nothing in God’s green and verdant Earth that justifies this sequel. Where the original was zany and mildly amusing, the sequel is agonising, unfunny and actually made me hate Roadrunner cartoons. Which is a shame, because one of life’s pleasures is getting ridiculously high and then watching Wile. E. Coyote fail dismally on an epic scale.

I hate this film, and wish painful death on all involved. However, maybe poor old Just Pillow Talk feels kinder towards it than I do. I doubt it, however, as I’ve read the review and can feel the life physically being drained out of him by the industrial strength suck on display here. Seriously, Dyson has nothing on this film. Nevertheless, here it is:

Welcome to the world of two dipshits, wife Tonya (Traylor Howard) who wants a baby, and cartoonist hubby Tim (Jamie Kennedy) who does not. Right off the bat if someone were to, say, run them over with a tractor trailer, I’d be okay with that. So Odin has given his son Loki (Alan Cumming, channeling extreme douchiness) the task of retrieving the mask. It just so happens Tim’s dog has found the mask and brought it back home.

In an excruciating scene to watch, Tim puts on the mask as part of his costume for his work’s Halloween party. None of it is funny in the slightest as he does the whole mask thing. After the party, he whips home and shows his wife his green bean, and ta-da…Tonya is pregnant.

Fuck, I feel the very life in me being slowly sucked out right now. The baby slowly exhibits some signs that he’s “different”, being the “son of the mask”. So one week Tonya has to go away on business and leaves Tim alone with the baby. Suffice to say he can’t get any work done and the baby starts going a bit mental. To add to the hilarity, the dog ends up wearing the mask and has plans to off the baby so that he regains his place within the family. Meanwhile Loki is out searching for the baby and mask. So we get cartoon like Wild E. Coyote vs Roadrunner type shit for a bit, with the baby finally getting the better of the dog.

Now I’ll share the gem of the movie: while changing the baby, we get super pee from baby, coming from multiple directions and Tim gets doused with pee. Think of it like a water fountain on steriods. I’ll give you a few moments to recover from this, settle down, and continue with this epic review.

Aw fuck it, here’s the short of it: Loki takes the kid, Tim ends up wearing the mask to try and get the kid back, and more excruciating time spent on this movie goes by. This movie clocks in under an hour and half, and it feels more like three hours. A horrifyingly bad movie, with chock full of shit performances, no laughs, no entertainment value, nothing.

We have headbutt to the ballsack, a dog bite to the balls region, pee on a man, farting in someone’s face…just high end comedy on display. And to make sure the comedy has no chance to suceed, have everyone be a douche in the movie. I have to apologize since I just don’t have the energy to continue with this.

Orangutan of Doom.

Next up: Firewall

Pillow out

The Nightmare so far…

1973 The World’s Greatest Athlete 1 / 4

1974 Deranged 0.5 / 4

1975 Shampoo 1.5 / 4

1976 Taxi Driver 3 / 4

1977 Black Samurai 1.5 / 4

1978 The Betsy 0 / 4

1979 Quintet 0 / 4

1980 Hero at Large 2/4

1981 Dogs of War 2.5/4

1982 The Beast Within 0/4: The Orangutan of Doom

1983 King of Comedy 3/4

1984 Blame it on Rio 0.5/4

1985 Lost in America 0/4

1986 Quicksilver 1/ 4

1987 84 Charing Cross Road 1/ 4

1988 Shoot to Kill 1/4

1989 The Mighty Quinn 2/4

1990 Revenge 2/4

1991 The Silence of the Lambs 4/4

1992 Wayne’s World 2.5/4

1993 The Temp 0/4: The Orangutan of Doom

1994 Blank Check 1/4

1995 Heavyweights 0.5/4

1996 Mr. Wrong 0/4- the Orangutan of Doom

1997 That Darn Cat 0/4

1998 Sphere 0/4

1999 Blast From the Past 1.5/4

2000 The Beach 0/4

2001 Down to Earth 0/4

2002 John Q 0- A double Orangutan of Doom!

2003 Dark Blue 2.5/4

2004 Fifty First Dates 1/4

2005 Son of the Mask 0/4 The Orangutan of Doom

2006 ?

2007 ?

2008 ?

2009 ?

2010 Valentine’s Day 0/4- The Orangutan of Doom

2011 ?

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

19 responses to “Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare: Son of the Mask (2005)”

  1. Jarv says :

    I think this is a wretched film, and he’s actually been generous to it. Words do not explain the sheer horror of the Andy Williams dance routine at the beginning.

    This film is awful and made me hate cartoons, Andy Williams, The Mask, CGI, Dogs, Babies, Alan Cummings (to be fair, I already hated him), and cinema. This is genuinely one of the worst films ever made, and is a contender for worst film on anyone’s list along with Xanadu and The Beast Within. It’s an epic failure on every level and is awful to sit through.

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      It is quite painful to watch, and definitely worse than Valentine’s Day, for example, but it doesn’t have monster rape nor did it piss me off with a message. It is a horrible attempt at a film though, since not one scene or performance works at all. And it easily feels like double its running time, probably the movie that felt the longest.

      Complete shit.

      • Jarv says :

        If we go for a bottom 10 of the lists so far, I think the vast majority of them are yours.

        Droid has The Collector as his only 0, but I’d have given Gigli one as well. I’ve got Dirty Dancing, Xanadu, My Boss’s Daughter and Christopher Columbus. You’ve got 6 Orangutan of Doom’s and 6 0 chang but no Orangutans.

        If I were to do it-

        10. The Temp– crap, but not as bad as some following.
        9. The Collector. Torture porn.
        8. Christopher Columbus– boring, and with a hideous central performance, but looks like solid gold compared to some that are coming
        7. Valentine’s Day– I’m sure it’s awful, but I’ve not seen it and the top 6 are so, so awful.
        6. Mr. Wrong– an epic failure, and embarrassing to watch
        5. Dirty Dancing– Fucking message film, and a really unpleasant, hammy, cliche ridden load of shit. Plus he’s a paedo
        3= Son of the Mask– complete and utter shit. Horrible, awful effort. It’s only the strength of the top 2 that stop them getting in.
        3= John Q. Truly, truly awful message film bollocks that’s so heavy handed it makes Romero look subtle.
        2. The Beast Within. Monster rape FOR THE FAIL
        1. Xanadu. Genuinely one of the worst films ever made.

    • koutchboom says :

      I’ve heard Bob Hoskins call it his favorite film though.

  2. Xiphos0311 says :

    Never seen it never plan to. Nice hatchet work Pillow

  3. TomBodetski says :

    Wow what did Pillows do to Deserve this run of Cinematic Death-?! my my my.

    No, this always looked as bad as anything out there, ever. I avoided it like the plague, and trust me-the Mask I is the one Jim Carey flick I can stand. This one-no no no no no no no no no. I think the dog wrote the screenplay.

  4. Just Pillow Talk says :

    So after 34 films (34!), my average is a whopping 1.04. It’s been inching closer have this absolute dreadful run in the 2000’s, which now as an average rating of 0.58. And I’ll be surprised if I can get that average to go up instead of down…

    2006 Firewall
    2007 Daddy’s Little Girls
    2008 Step Up 2: The Streets
    2009 Friday the 13th

    Fuck me.

    • Jarv says :

      I’ve not seen Firewall, Daddy’s little girl or Step Up 2, but if you look at the monkey’s review of Friday 13th, then that’s nailed on 0. Not an Orang, but it’s not going to help the cause.

      However, The Eagle might.

  5. Continentalop says :

    So Loki and Odin are in this? How does it tie in with the Avengers movie?

  6. koutchboom says :

    Hrmmm maybe Xi is onto something with his anti Ivy League college ramblings?

    http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1141749/

  7. Toadkillerdog says :

    Piddoes, it is obvious that you murdered kittens and puppies in a previous existence, and your eternal damnation is to have been born close to the release date of these turds.

    Either that, or you are just one unlucky bastard.

  8. ThereWolf says :

    Pillow, you just gave up, man. You were ticking along steadily then you just gave up. I could actually feel, through the words, your soul ebbing away by the second. It was quite heartbreaking.

    I haven’t seen ‘Son’ and highly unlikely to.

  9. MeHateyou says :

    Have You ever watched a film and actually felt ashamed and stupid to be watching it? Well This is it.

    This film is an insult to the REAL Mask and always will be.

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