Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare: 50 First Dates (2004)

Oh deary, deary me.

He’s clearly in trouble with the wife, as he’s been forced to bump up a “chick friendly” rom com up the order to get him out of the doghouse. Sadly, the film in question is a romantic comedy that manages to be singularly unfunny.

Why would that be? Well, the presence of Rob Schneider almost automatically guarantees an absence of laughter. Personally, I think this film is garbage, but let’s see what Pillows thinks:

“They only bite when you touch their private parts.”

Words uttered by none other than the comedic God known as Rob Schneider.  SNL’s greatest gift to the land of movies.  Impeccable comedic timing.  A joy to behold.  Now if only someone would make him stop.

The comedies on my birthday list have treated me like a red-headed stepchild.  Strike that.  So have dramas, horrors…anyway, next up is the Adam Sandler/Drew Barrymore rom-com.  I’m sure this will be gold Jerry!

The movie starts with a lot of attractive women claiming to be swept off their feet by none other than Adam Sandler.  Um, no.  First, the dude is not good looking.  Second, nothing smooth would ever come out of that mouth to woo the ladies.  Singing lunchlady ain’t gonna cut it.  However, he is a SUPER veterinarian, so I’m sure that will get the honeys all wet.  Mrs. Pillow has just exclaimed “what was that about?”  Well dear, we just witnessed a walrus vomiting on a zookeeper type person thanks to Sandler, who set her up.  The walrus and Adam share a high five.  Hysterical!  *That* is comedy.  (pssst…I don’t think Mrs. Pillow is buying that)

Drew ends up catching Mr. Sandler’s attention at a diner, and he works up the nerve to sit at her table and they hit it off.  They plan on meeting at the diner the next morning for breakfast.  He’s one not to get involved with any girl long term, yet he can’t stop thinking about Drew.  He even breaks off a date with a tourist who was more than willing to have vigorous sex, which is generally his thing.

So at the diner the next morning Drew has no idea who Adam is, and runs away from him.  Sandler is quite taken aback by her reaction, but then it’s explained to Sandler that she got into a car accident with a serious head injury a year ago, and has no short term memory.  Bummer.  Just to prove that to us, they show her dad and brother going through the same routine of having her dad’s birthday over and over each and every night, watching the same movie, repainting the same wall she painted, reading the same newspaper, eating the same cake…you get the idea.  The routine has gotten old to say the least, so her brother (Sean Astin) bets her $20 that Culpepper (Vikings quarterback from a few years ago for you Brits) throws a touchdown, which is a tape of course to keep the mirage up and they’ve seen a billionth time.  When she gets up to leave, their dad throws a shoe at Astin and calls him a moron.

Sandler then proceeds to have a bet with the owner of the diner that he could get Drew to have breakfast with him again.  This initially doesn’t go over well, since she shoots him down repeatedly.  He finally changes his approach, thinking of more elaborate ways to get them to meet, and in one instance gets his cousin (Rob Schneider) to act like he’s beating him up on the side of the road.  Drew shows up and beats him with a bat.  It’s a shame that part wasn’t real.  I mean, it would have been easy to “accidently” switch the prop to a real aluminum bat.  Oops.

Finally she ends up learning the truth when she’s stopped by a cop and her car registration has expired.  She gets up the courage to go back to the doctor (Dan Ackroyd) to learn if her condition is temporary or permanent.  The doctor says permanent.  Sandler decides a different tact going forward: shows her a video tape first thing in the morning that he made which quickly explains her condition and their relationship.  That ends up working pretty well since she falls for him every single damn time and they finally do the humpty-hump.

The end.  But wait!  Drew decides she doesn’t want Sandler to waste away his life with her like her father and brother.  To that end, she decides to wipe away all trace of their relationship by burning her diary that she’s kept each day since they met.  She even admits herself to an institute.  However she has continued to paint, and specifically paint Sandler, whom she has no idea who he is.  He shows up, blah-blah-blah, they kiss.

I won’t spoil the ending since I know you are all anxious to check this out for yourself….

Okay, okay.  They end up getting married and having a kid, which Sandler has to reintroduce to her day after day.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Way to fuck with the child’s mind Sandler.  Good going.

Because of Schneider and the ending I was very close to giving this a zero.  However, to be fair, it’s still better than the previous string of movies I’ve been hanging zero’s with, so…I give it 1 aluminum bat out of 4 (to beat Schneider with).  I’m probably being a bit generous, but fuck you.  You haven’t been in my birthday shoes.

Next up: 2010’s Valentine’s Day (in another effort to appease Mrs. Pillows, while at the same time speeding the destruction of my brain)

Pillow out

The Nightmare so far…

1973 The World’s Greatest Athlete 1 / 4

1974 Deranged 0.5 / 4

1975 Shampoo 1.5 / 4

1976 Taxi Driver 3 / 4

1977 Black Samurai 1.5 / 4

1978 The Betsy 0 / 4

1979 Quintet 0 / 4

1980 Hero at Large 2/4

1981 Dogs of War 2.5/4

1982 The Beast Within 0/4: The Orangutan of Doom

1983 King of Comedy 3/4

1984 Blame it on Rio 0.5/4

1985 Lost in America 0/4

1986 Quicksilver 1/ 4

1987 84 Charing Cross Road 1/ 4

1988 Shoot to Kill 1/4

1989 The Mighty Quinn 2/4

1990 Revenge 2/4

1991 The Silence of the Lambs 4/4

1992 Wayne’s World 2.5/4

1993 The Temp 0/4: The Orangutan of Doom

1994 Blank Check 1/4

1995 Heavyweights 0.5/4

1996 ?

1997 That Darn Cat 0/4

1998 Sphere 0/4

1999 ?

2000 The Beach 0/4

2001 Down to Earth 0/4

2002 ?

2003 ?

2004 Fifty First Dates 1/4

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

15 responses to “Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare: 50 First Dates (2004)”

  1. Jarv says :

    Shit film this.

    Fuck Sandler, Fuck Schneider and fuck the morons that keep going to see these things and earning them money.

  2. tombando says :

    I cringed thru about 15-20 minutes of this once a couple years ago. Dear lord it’s excruciating. My sympathies go out to your stomped upon viewing eyes there pillow. (Been a shitty couple weeks at the Fens too eh? What’s up w/ Lester of late? Boooooooooooooooooo)

  3. Droid says :

    I’ve seen this years ago and I have to admit, I didn’t hate it. Sure it wasn’t very good, but compared to other “comedies” that Sandler’s sharted during his career (Waterboy, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Click) it was reasonable. Wouldn’t ever see it again, mind you.

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      Yup, that’s my reasoning for giving it a “1” rating as well, though compared to what I’ve seen before it. It amazes me the volume of shit they are able to churn out and yet get even more work for that same shit.

  4. ThereWolf says :

    Dreadful. I’m going nowhere near that.

    I don’t think you’ve given ‘The Beast Within’ a proper chance…

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