Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare: That Darn Cat (1997)
Welcome back to Just Pillow Talk’s ongoing movie series. I feel that he blames Droid entirely for this fiasco. With some justification. This time out, for a change, he’s got another Disney film, and this time it’s even more evil than one of the usual efforts that are inflicted on him.
When I was growing up, I loved the original That Darn Cat. It’s a light hearted 1950’s romp about a neighbourhood cat, the FBI and dubious mobsters. There’s a whole lot of heart to these shitty films. However, regarding the remake, well, let’s see…
“Why do you wear black?”
“Because it matches my soul.”
“But it doesn’t match your eyes honey.”
So…two dudes show up in a rich couple’s house looking to kidnap the wife. Instead they grab the maid. The FBI show up, and Agent Zeke (Doug E. Doug) quickly proves he’s a moron and for some reason is a FBI agent. It’s like he’s hopped up on caffeine. Meanwhile Patti (Christine Ricci) is a sarcastic teenager who hates her town but loves her troublemaking cat, D.C. (Darn Cat for those keeping track at home). The cat prowls the night at 8 o’clock exactly each night, tormenting the neighbor cat, trying to hook up with a pussy, scoping out the downtown, giving the local cops a scare by jumping on their hood. It’s while he parading around town that he runs across the kidnapped maid who manages to scratch a message on her watch and attaches it to the cat.
The next morning Patti notices the watch on her cat and while having breakfast, she sees the front page’s picture of the maid. And the maid is wearing what she thinks is the same watch. Scribbled on the back of the watch is HELL, which she figures out was supposed to say HELP while listening to the song “Help me Rhonda”. Guess it’s a good thing she wasn’t listening to Hell’s Bells.
Patti goes to see the FBI to tell her that her cat saw the kidnapped maid, and the agents send her to Agent Zeke as a joke. Of course Agent Zeke believes her after comparing the watch to the picture in the paper. And the fact that Patti doctored the watch to say Help. We get to witness Zeke taking pictures of the cat as a witness, and sending his team of four agents out on the trail. Yup, they gave him a team of agents. That FBI sure is whacky. So 8 o’clock rolls around and they follow the cat, leading to the agents bumbling around getting attacked by a dog, scratched by the cat and taking a tumble, and falling through some creaky stairs. And for good measure they cuff Patti’s dad who happened to be walking home after a show and picked up the cat to make sure that the cat continued to hopefully lead them to the kidnapped maid.
Zeke finally realizes that they have Patti’s father locked up and they bring him back the following morning. Daddy is just so darn understanding and not mad at all, and thinks it’s just so adorable that his daughter got a team of FBI agents to follow their cat around. The captain is quite understanding too since Zeke doesn’t get into any trouble for wasting the agency’s time and money for chasing a cat. I mean, can anyone really get a slap on the wrist for chasing pussy? Well, maybe a slap and tickle.
Zeke and Patti decide to go follow her cat by themselves. Since the town is full of sharp witted douches, Patti thinks they are all in on the kidnapping. While they are looking around the town, it’s reported to the cops that a male and a female are trespassing. They get stopped by the cops and just when Zeke was going to show them his ID, the cat grabs the ID and takes off with it. Patti and Zeke get locked up in the slammer. Patti ends up getting grounded and decides to blow out of the town and take the next train out of there. But a change of heart to give the town another chance, and Patti is back with her cat…until the cat takes off and she follows him right to the kidnapped maid. Instead of going for help, she decides to try and untie her, but one of the kidnappers finds her.
I won’t ruin the exciting conclusion, but the town goes to pot during the chase scene, complete with gas stations blowing up and a casket getting knocked out onto the street.
So yet another delightful Disney movie without one charming character, one funny moment, dumb plot, not even a tiger in a hat for christ’s sake! I hate fucking cats too.
Zero dead cats out of four. I think that not one studio can surpass the amount of shitty films that Disney has managed to put out decade after decade. Remarkable.
Next up: Well, right now, I have in my possession Down to Earth, so it’s looking like that. But really, The Eagle cannot get here soon enough. I can’t wait until I’m down to single digits…
The Nightmare so far…
1973 The World’s Greatest Athlete 1 / 4
1974 Deranged 0.5 / 4
1975 Shampoo 1.5 / 4
1976 Taxi Driver 3 / 4
1977 Black Samurai 1.5 / 4
1978 The Betsy 0 / 4
1979 Quintet 0 / 4
1980 Hero at Large 2/4
1981 Dogs of War 2.5/4
1982 The Beast Within 0/4: The Orangutan of Doom
1983 King of Comedy 3/4
1984 Blame it on Rio 0.5/4
1985 Lost in America 0/4
1986 Quicksilver 1/ 4
1987 84 Charing Cross Road 1/ 4
1988 Shoot to Kill 1/4
1989 The Mighty Quinn 2/4
1990 Revenge 2/4
1991 The Silence of the Lambs 4/4
1992 Wayne’s World 2.5/4
1993 The Temp 0/4: The Orangutan of Doom
1994 Blank Check 1/4
1995 Heavyweights 0.5/4
1997 That Darn Cat 0/4
1998 Sphere 0/4
2000 The Beach 0/4