Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare: The Beach (2000)

Apologies for the late posting of this, but work has been kicking my arse.

Well, the mission to watch the worst list of films imaginable continues. Just Pillow Talk goes on holiday to Thailand in Danny Boyle’s dismal The Beach, a film based on a hugely overrated book by Alex Garland starring a completely miscast Leonardo DiCaprio.

Me, I hate this film, but let’s see how he got on, he seems to have fallen in love though.

Not that it matters one iota, but That Darn Cat was sent to me and the dvd was cracked in half (Editor’s note: I don’t believe this for a second, you lying bastard), Mr. Wrong hasn’t been sent yet, and this is my only option to continue the birthday list fiasco.

Richard (Leonardo DiCaprio) is vacationing in Thailand and stumbles across a map from a successful suicidal Robert Carlyle which is supposed to lead to some vacation paradise. He grabs the boyfriend/girlfriend combo that were staying in the next door room to his. On the way there, he comes across a couple of dope filled dudes who say that a hidden beach does exist. Leo decides to make a copy of the map and slip it under the dope’s door.

The other two were less than impressed with Leo's shadow puppets

So they are able to get dropped off to an island next to the island they really want to get to, and decide to swim the distance between the two. During the swim we get to witness Leo screaming like a little bitch as the chick pulls a joke on him and pretends to have disappeared in the water and then surprise him by popping back up to the surface. Once on the island they discover some drug dudes with machine guns guarding the marijuana fields they come across. We get some great quotes from Leo like “You lost your nerve French boy!”

Chilling out, taking a piss in the river, life was sweet in Thailand

The dynamic trio manage to find the hidden community that is populated by former travelers who have taken root at this island, which includes the White Witch as their leader. They find their beautiful beach and settle right in. Leo and the chick end up falling for each other (she has a nice rack), which Frenchie finds out about. Frenchie declares that he wants the chick to be happy, and if it’s with Leo, so be it. We also get to see Leo kill a shark. Go Leo!

Leo gets chosen to go with the White Witch to go to the ‘mainland’ to pick up various supplies. While there they run into the dope dudes who say they are going to find the beach, Leo flips out on them and tells them there’s no paradise beach. He screws the White Witch to keep her silent about the knowledge of the map by outsiders.

She is indeed hot

Life changed for them once a shark attack leaves one man dead and one injured. The group decides, since the injured man is such a downer with his screams of pain and whatnot, to move him away from the village into his own tent. Problem solved, good times are back. Except they are not since the dope dudes manage to find their way to the island using the copy of the map he made from them. White Witch is not a happy camper with this development. He has to wait for the dopes to see if they make their way to where the village is. While waiting french chick dumps him after finding how he made nice-nice with the White Witch.

Leo reacted surprisingly badly to The Beast Within

So being stuck on top of the hill ostracized from the village ends up not bothering Leo too much, since he sees it as a new sort of freedom. He starts thinking the jungle is his and starts losing his mind. It’s almost like he has his own birthday list to get through…..Leo has conversations with Robert Carlyle, which is problematic since ‘ol Robbie is still quite dead.

So the drug dealers who let them stay on the island discover the dope douches and kill them all. This serves to shock Leo out of the craziness after he witnesses the killings, and he runs back to warn French boy and chick that they need to leave. Alas the drug dealers shows up and gives the White Witch the choice to plug Leo in the head with a bullet so that they can stay, otherwise the whole group has to go. In a Russian roulette style, Leo lucks out and the group departs. The end.

So hot, in fact, that he wants it posted twice.

Where to start with this fucking movie. So…the people who populate this film…uninteresting cardboard cutouts of nothings. Like it mattered to me if someone were to die from this merry group of beach goer’s. Every time Leo screamed I had to laugh. And Leo’s ‘transformation’ makes absolutely no fucking sense. So the dude is happy to be on the island, but French chick broke up with him and he’s worried that he’ll get kicked off the island since he made a copy of the map and four dope douches arrived. Naturally he flips out??? Clearly I’m missing something here. Just as quickly does he go mental, he changes back like that (snaps fingers) after he sees one of the dope chicks shot. Fuck that.

So there’s supposed to be a romance, but there’s not really. There’s no connection between Leo and the French chick. Oh wait, they looked at stars together one night, never mind.

Is three times equivalent to cyber-stalking?

I’m pretty sure more of a drama could have been made regarding the White Witch and her do-anything-to-keep-a-secret mentality. I mean, they removed a severely injured man from their sight just so that their party buzz wouldn’t be killed. So not even Frenchie chick had an issue with that or anyone else? Nothing.

This has got to be Danny Boyle’s worst movie. It gets 0 out of 4 beach umbrellas.

Next up: A movie that will defy this list…that will bring down the heavens, that will…aw fuck it, it’ll be another shit movie.

Pillow out.

The Nightmare so far…

1973 The World’s Greatest Athlete 1 / 4

1974 Deranged 0.5 / 4

1975 Shampoo 1.5 / 4

1976 Taxi Driver 3 / 4

1977 Black Samurai 1.5 / 4

1978 The Betsy 0 / 4

1979 Quintet 0 / 4

1980 Hero at Large 2/4

1981 Dogs of War 2.5/4

1982 The Beast Within 0/4: The Orangutan of Doom

1983 King of Comedy 3/4

1984 Blame it on Rio 0.5/4

1985 Lost in America 0/4

1986 Quicksilver 1/ 4

1987 84 Charing Cross Road 1/ 4

1988 Shoot to Kill 1/4

1989 The Mighty Quinn 2/4

1990 Revenge 2/4

1991 The Silence of the Lambs 4/4

1992 Wayne’s World 2.5/4

1993 The Temp 0/4: The Orangutan of Doom

1994 Blank Check 1/4

1995 Heavyweights 0.5/4

1996 ?

1997 ?

1998 Sphere 0/4

1999 ?

2000 The Beach 0/4

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

12 responses to “Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare: The Beach (2000)”

  1. Jarv says :

    Shit fucking film this.

  2. just pillow talk says :

    Horrendous film indeed. I will start up the list again tonight. I may have my choice between That Darn Cat and Mr. Wrong. WHOOPEE!

  3. Xiphos0311 says :

    never saw the movie never wanted to. Tried to read the book quit about a third of the way in, it was awful self involved navel gazing BS.

  4. Col. Tigh-Fighter says :

    Do I get any points for having gone to the island paradise of Koh Phi Phi before they shot this bag of shit? Leo (who I like), was woefully miscast in this.

    Oh well, it looked nice, and was a nice flashback to the best holiday I ever had (6 weeks in Thailand 1997).

  5. Col. Tigh-Fighter says :

    I think they pissed the locals off. But I also remember Danny countering with how his team had cleaned 10 tonnes of trash of the beach by hand.

    Anyway it doesnt matter now, as after the Tsunami big developers have moved in and scrubbed any trace of the simple life away from the island. The brilliant tv drama Tsumani: The Aftermath with Chitewel Ejiofor, and Tim Roth touchs on it.

    You could sleep in a hammock for 50p a night, and take a long boat over the bay at dawn, smoking a spliff, and dragging your hand in the water and watching the bursts of fluorescence light from the little sea creature as your fingers drag along.

    Its 5 star all the way now, baby! Progress for you…..

    • Xiphos0311 says :

      They aren’t making anymore beach front so it’s understandable.

      There was place in Mexico we use to go to when I was in high school called Puerto Penasco(Rocky Point) about 100km from the Arizona border. it was a sleepy little fishing village then with great beaches on the Gulf of Baja. You would spend like $100 dollars on bottled water and some food in the US to take with you and maybe $20 in gas and the rest of the weekend you maybe spent $40 total. it was great. Sleep on the beach, buy fish right from the boats, ride dirt bikes and three wheelers and drink, party and hook up like crazy.

      Now a days it’s all condos and hotels and you take your life in your hands on the roads between Rocky point and the border crossing. All the old places are gone buried under golf courses and condo towers and its illegal(as much as anything is illegal in Mexico) to sleep on the beach and its geared to suburban assholes and their kids. I guarantee those fuckers were the ones getting high, fucking like rabbits and puking their guts out in the 70’s, 80’s and early 90’s.

      I lived in Mexico for awhile as a kid and most of the places my Mom and I lived, on the pacific coast, were a lot like Rocky Point was; small, cool and largely unscrewed up. Now most are international vacation destinations.

  6. Col. Tigh-Fighter says :

    I visted Mexico in 1999. We travelled down the Pacific coast from Acapulco, to Puerto Escondido, to Puerto Angel before heading across into the Yucatan.

    Wonderful, sleepy lifestyle going down the coast. Yeah, I bet that has changed too.

  7. Droid says :

    I like the first half of the movie. Third act meltdown time. I like the book as well.

  8. ThereWolf says :

    Never seen this, Pillow. Always wanted to, don’t know why I didn’t.

    Uninteresting anecdote alert: I went to a summer party a few years ago, was wearing a ‘Hawaiian’ style shirt and about 8 people said to me, ‘Oh, Leo wears the exact same one in The Beach…’


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