Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare: Sphere (1998)
This review series really is compelling. Not in any sort of pleasant way, more as if we’re standing here rubbernecking at a car crash. I’ve never seen such a list of absolute garbage in a series before (and I’m the mug doing video game adaptations) with nary a break from the cycle of depression.
Poor old Just Pillow Talk clearly now has what can only be described as battered reviewer syndrome. He’s almost passed through every stage of grief and is now circling in a sort of dull, weary acceptance with only the thought that “This time it will be better” to console him. Except, sadly, this time it’s 1998 platinum stinker Sphere, a film that I would unquestionably Orangutan of Doom.
Having read the review, I seriously think we need to get him some medical help. Or some quality drugs.
Enough preamble, let the agony commence! (Wait until you see the pictures. Fucking brilliant)
Dustin Hoffman. Sharon Stone. Samuel L. Jackson. Liev Schreiber. Queen Latifah. Okay, strike that last name, but a pretty decent cast at first glance, yes? I’ve never seen the entire movie. Until now. Why must the day of my birth forsaken me so???? The Eagle seems oh-so-very-far-away…..
An alien spacecraft has been discovered deep down in the ocean. They have discovered that it landed over 300 years ago and it is half a mile long. It’s decided that they will gather a group of scientists (hello star cast from above) and send them down to board the spacecraft and check it out to see if there are any aliens. We know they are smarty pants scientists because they’ll say stuff like “venom from land creatures is nothing compared to some of the creatures down here”. We even get a conversation where three of the party all have graduated from M.I.T, Liev saying he got all 3 PHD’s from there, while Samuel says he got his first one when he was 18. Liev’s response: “Damn, beat me by one year.”
So anyway, they make their way to the spacecraft, board it, and decide to split up to poke around. Dustin and Sharon pair up (some history there, oh boy!), and discover a decayed human body, data long entries from the future it appears, English words, etc. Dustin says he believes they are on an American spaceship.
They then discover THE SPHERE.
They decide the spacecraft came from the future and got sucked into a black hole and deposited 300 years ago in its present location. Samuel comes to the conclusion that they will all die since if that craft came from the future, they would tell everyone that space travel is possible, so ‘they’ would know that a black hole would be there and avoid it. But since they didn’t, and it arrived in the past, the team doesn’t make it, hence dead. Next thing you know, Sammy decides to go visit THE SPHERE even though they have been required to go back topside because a serious storm is on the way. He gets sucked into THE SPHERE and then spit back out in a manner of speaking. They bring him back to the infirmary, and when he’s alone, opens his eyes. And then CRAZY stuff happens: a bunch of numbers fill up some computer screens and jelly fish attack Queen while she’s outside going to change the camera tapes. The Queen gets zapped dead, and while Sharon is peeling off some of the jelly fish, she declares these are not God’s creation. Meanwhile we learn that Sharon was Dustin’s patient at one time and tried to commit suicide. Could be a pro-o-o-o-blem a thousand feet down….just say’in. Well, Sammy is up and about and seemingly normal. They discover that it’s actually code that is scrolling down their monitors, and that what is an alien presence is conversing with them (name of Jerry according to their decoding work).
Next we find Sammy reading 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea and another crew member is found crushed outside. While recovering the body, hundreds of squid eggs come raining down on them. Hmmm….calamari. The sonar is going off the charts with something big coming at them…and then it just disappears. Back on board, Sammy is dreaming and the giant squid is back tearing the place apart. But just as quickly as things are going to shit, it stops. Then a fire breaks out and Jerry declares that “I will kill you all”. The captain gets crushed by a door and Liev gets burned to a crisp. Then the fire ends just as soon as it started.
Now with just the three of them left, it gets re-e-e-e-ally boring. More shit acting follows, with Sammy continuing his disinterested bit, Sharon trying her crying bit to ill effect, and Dustin being quite annoying with his “why, why, why, why Jerry, why, why, why”. I wish jelly fish or a giant squid would take Dustin away. They come to realize that Jerry is really Sammy and THE SPHERE is projecting Sammy’s thoughts and manifesting them into real nightmares.
It turns out all of them “entered” THE SPHERE and are manifesting the worst thoughts and confusing reality with their shit dreams. Sharon, in her fucked up dreaming state of mind, activates some bombs and creates the necessary plot device for them to high tail it out of there in the mini sub. Once topside, they come to the conclusion that they still have the ‘power’, and instead of keeping it or sharing it with others to abuse like they have, they agree to gather around in a circle, hold hands, and…forget. THE SPHERE was not destroyed by the enormous explosion and flies away. They no longer remember the events and the end.
What a fucking shit movie. First, not one fucking actor is even trying in this movie, with every single performance being more drab than the next. Secondly the movie itself is boring as hell. There are no thrills, there is no interesting character interaction, it’s blah. And the fucking ending…they agree to forget? Fuck me. And fuck Crichton. I’ve never read the book and I don’t know how closely it follows the book, but I still blame Crichton for this. If he didn’t write the book, I wouldn’t have had to watch this fucking movie for my birthday series. Actually, Crichton was a producer for this film, so fuck off you big douche bag.
So let’s just hold hands now and agree to forget about giving this movie a rating…..
Next up: Mr. Wrong
The Nightmare so far…
1973 The World’s Greatest Athlete 1 / 4
1974 Deranged 0.5 / 4
1975 Shampoo 1.5 / 4
1976 Taxi Driver 3 / 4
1977 Black Samurai 1.5 / 4
1978 The Betsy 0 / 4
1979 Quintet 0 / 4
1980 Hero at Large 2/4
1981 Dogs of War 2.5/4
1982 The Beast Within 0/4: The Orangutan of Doom
1983 King of Comedy 3/4
1984 Blame it on Rio 0.5/4
1985 Lost in America 0/4
1986 Quicksilver 1/ 4
1987 84 Charing Cross Road 1/ 4
1988 Shoot to Kill 1/4
1989 The Mighty Quinn 2/4
1990 Revenge 2/4
1991 The Silence of the Lambs 4/4
1992 Wayne’s World 2.5/4
1993 The Temp 0/4: The Orangutan of Doom
1994 Blank Check 1/4
1995 Heavyweights 0.5/4
1998 Sphere 0/4