Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare: Heavyweights (1995)

There’s one truism that everyone learned in school: fat kids always get picked on. For some reason, probably Disney foreseeing a few decades into the future when every child in America will weigh roughly the same as a baby killer whale decided to make a sympathy-grabbing film where we’re meant to feel sorry for the chubsters.

Well, fatties. I don’t. Obesity is a sign of the following things: laziness, lack of self-respect and, let’s face it, mild retardation. When the butterball in question is a child, then this is even worse, because that’s entirely down to awful parenting. It is not, bar a few very, very rare cases either genetic or glandular. Just put the fucking pie down and do more exercise.

So, let’s hand it over to our dedicated masochist. Take it away Just Pillow Talk:

After yet another shit Disney film, what do I get this time around? Er, another Disney film, this one co-written by Judd Apatow. Heavy Weights is about a fat camp for kids called Camp Hope owned by the Bushkins (Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara). Their promo inspires Gerry’s (Aaron Schwartz) parents to send him there.

Who ate all the pies?

The kids who have been attending the camp before know it’s a breeze and hide gobs of goodies no problem. But that all changes when the Bushkins announce at the beginning of camp that they are bankrupt and have sold the camp to Tony Perkins (Ben Stiller), who has designs of making this the #1 weight loss infomercial.

Who ate all the pies?

Hijinks ensue like watching the fat kids get walloped in a softball game, having Ben Stiller tear their room upside down finding all their hidden junk food, and having Platoon background music while Gerry describes the changed situation at the camp. They become so desperate for food that they show them chasing some cows grazing in a field with baseball bats and tennis racquets. Priceless.

YOU FAT BASTARDS!

So the fatties manage to conceal the junk food despite Stiller’s best attempts at stifling the growth of their waist sizes. At the halfway point the weigh-in’s of course amount to a big failure, as all the kids have actually gained weight.

Stiller decides to take them on a hike and we get to see fat kids tumbling down the hillside. The kids decide they’ve had enough and convince Stiller to do a sit up blindfolded while one of the kids shoves his ass in front of his face. *crickets*

YOU FAT BASTARDS!

They manage to tie up all the counselors and Stiller and have a big party where they splurge on food. While Stiller is locked up they decide to actually work out and diet, to become responsible. What a novel concept. The families arrive at the camp and they show them a tape with Stiller being ruthless and just so darn mean to the kids. Stiller escapes and starts yelling like he always does in every movie, Gerry’s dad punches him, and someone trips him while he’s doing a backflip. The kids decide they want to stay at the camp under one of the old counselors. This all leads to the annual big showdown with another camp which includes various athletic events, um an intelligence tent, and a go-kart race. You’ll never guess what happens….

YOU ATE ALL THE PIES!

Egads, this was another horrible movie. Disney really knows how to pump out shit. Stiller is typical Stiller, meaning he’s an annoying fuck who needed a #2 pencil shoved in his eyes. But here’s what really bothers me about this movie: your kids are fucking fat and you know how they got that way? From you, you fucking parents. Stop feeding them shit, get them to join a fucking sport instead of pissing away your money at a fat camp. And these kids were bitching about being yelled at by Stiller in this movie? Fuck, should have seen my football coaches at the same age. The kids, from an acting perspective, were okay. Jeffrey Tambor played Jerry’s dad, not that he was really in it much, but thought I would throw it out there. Kenan Thompson, of SNL fame (well, maybe not), played one of the chubbies. I just don’t know man, is this better or worse than Blank check? On the one hand it doesn’t have a disturbing kissing scene between a grown woman and a kid. Jarv, please do the honors and give it half a bacon bits bottle out of four. I made the mistake of rating the previous Disney film too high, not this time you evil fucking mouse!

Next up: some other film named something or other…. (I think it’s another Disney shitfest, love from your kindly Editor).

This picture is for my own benefit…

Pillow Out.

The Nightmare so far…

1973 The World’s Greatest Athlete 1 / 4

1974 Deranged 0.5 / 4

1975 Shampoo 1.5 / 4

1976 Taxi Driver 3 / 4

1977 Black Samurai 1.5 / 4

1978 The Betsy 0 / 4

1979 Quintet 0 / 4

1980 Hero at Large 2/4

1981 Dogs of War 2.5/4

1982 The Beast Within 0/4: The Orangutan of Doom

1983 King of Comedy 3/4

1984 Blame it on Rio 0.5/4

1985 Lost in America 0/4

1986 Quicksilver 1/ 4

1987 84 Charing Cross Road 1/ 4

1988 Shoot to Kill 1/4

1989 The Mighty Quinn 2/4

1990 Revenge 2/4

1991 The Silence of the Lambs 4/4

1992 Wayne’s World 2.5/4

1993 The Temp 0/4: The Orangutan of Doom

1994 Blank Check 1/4

1995 Heavyweights 0.5/4

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

9 responses to “Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare: Heavyweights (1995)”

  1. Jarv says :

    In advance, I’d like to apologise for the juvenile use of an English football terrace chant for the captions. Made me laugh.

    I’ve not seen this, and it sounds terrible. your average is now (wait for it):

    A mighty 1.28 out of 4. The question is, seeing as you’ve had almost all of your great films now, can it sink below 1.

  2. ThereWolf says :

    Sounds cack. But fatties falling over and stuff is always funny… Isn’t it?

    Football chants – missed one… “He’s fat, he’s round, he bounces on the ground, (add name of choice)…”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: