Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare: The Blank Check (1994)
Welcome back. Just Pillow Talk said that he needed an act of God to cease the incessant drip of misery provided by his Birthday list, and the man upstairs intervened with Hurricane Irene and knocked out the power to the Pillow estate. Therefore he was spared watching a list of awful films designed to make grown men cry.
Unfortunately for him, but luckily for us sadists, his electricity came back yesterday. So, no longer will he be hunched over candlelight reading a dog-eared copy of Tale of Two Cities, while wearing fingerless gloves and eating cold beans out of a tin (unless he likes that sort of thing). The Birthday Nightmare returns, and this time the film to torture him with is a light-hearted kiddies comedy. It’s a pity that it’s a terrible one.
After taking a forced hiatus from the birthday list due to a power outage that lasted way too fucking long, power was restored Saturday afternoon. Only to be rudely taken away Sunday afternoon for four hours, but it has finally been restored. Again. So it’s time to saddle up and continue my trek. To say that I wasn’t a bit jealous of Jarv’s completion of his list would be a very serious understatement on your part.
So we have young Preston (Brian Bonsall) who is picked on by his brothers and fellow kids at school. We also have Quigley (Migeul Ferrer, second flick from the 90’s he’s in for me already) who has escaped from prison and as a boatload of money that he brings to Biderman (Michael Lerner, head of a bank) who he needs some clean money exchanged for a check the next day. Biderman gives Quigley some blank checks to use in the meantime until Quigley sends a guy with a check for a million bucks.
It just so happens that Preston tried to deposit eleven dollars into the same bank, which of course is not enough to open a deposit with. As he leaves the bank, another kid steals his eleven bucks. Preston chases him on his bike, but ends up wiping out in the parking lot just as Quigley is backing out his car. He runs over his bike, and as a crowd gathers and a cop car is coming, Quigley quickly writes out a blank check to Preston and takes off. The bank’s check he was just given, so you can see how it all falls into place, right? Our precious little Preston goes back to his room and fills out the blank check with “cash” and “million dollars” from his computer printer and off he goes the next day to the same bank to cash the check. He gets sent to the Biderman who naturally thinks he’s collecting for Quigley. I mean, wouldn’t you think a bad guy would send a kid to collect his “nest egg” of a million dollars? That’s who I would send.
So the real guy who is supposed to pick up the money with the check shows up, Juice (Tone Loc!). Biderman, being a sharp marble, quickly puts two and two together and realizes he gave a million dollars (in $10 bills, which somehow fits all in his backpack) to a stupid kid. Funky cold medina!
Now with all that money, Preston goes crazy. He just so happens to outbid Quigley for a house (not sure how he signed for it), rents a limo and buys tons of shit, and backs up a street with all delivery trucks to his new place. Arcades, TV’s, gocart, furniture, you name it our little Preston bought and filled up his new house. He does this all under the pseudonym “MacIntosh”, which is the computer he was using. He ends up telling his parents he’s working for Mr. MacIntosh. They have no problem with their kid working for someone they’ve never met before, nor the amount of time he’s seemingly away from school and away from home. Huh?
The limo guy not only drives him around, but hangs out with him during the day playing with him. Meanwhile the bad guys make several attempts at catching our little Preston, which somehow they cannot do. He’s a wily little rascal!
Preston decides to throw a big bash, actually a birthday party for MacIntosh since it’s actually his birthday. Preston ends up not having the 100 G’s to pay for the party and it’s shutdown. Poor Preston is all alone. The bad guys end up learning where Preston is at and show up at his doorstep. Quigley is quite surprised to learn his million dollars is gone in 6 days. While the bad guys are discussing the possibility of using the MacIntosh identify for Quigley, Preston escapes. He then pulls a home alone type assaults on the bad guys. The FBI show up and haul away the bad guys for money laundering charges.
Since I haven’t mentioned her yet, Karen Duffy played a FBI agent who was working undercover at the bank, and Preston has a crush on her. Naturally they go out on a date and share a kiss at the end of the movie. Um, way to go Karen! You go girl!
Listen, I know this is a Disney movie and clearly not aimed for me, but what the hell. This movie was awful. It sort of tries to shoehorn the message that money isn’t everything at the end, but it really didn’t lead very well to that point. Great show of parenting though, since they are nowhere to be found throughout the movie besides telling him he’s not good enough and showing favoritism to the two older douche bag brothers. Oh, but it’s okay because they have a birthday cake and sing happy birthday to him in his room as a surprise. Touching.
I give it one unhappy tiger without a hat out of four.
Next up: Heavyweights
The Nightmare so far…
1973 The World’s Greatest Athlete 1 / 4
1974 Deranged 0.5 / 4
1975 Shampoo 1.5 / 4
1976 Taxi Driver 3 / 4
1977 Black Samurai 1.5 / 4
1978 The Betsy 0 / 4
1979 Quintet 0 / 4
1980 Hero at Large 2/4
1981 Dogs of War 2.5/4
1982 The Beast Within 0/4: The Orangutan of Doom
1983 King of Comedy 3/4
1984 Blame it on Rio 0.5/4
1985 Lost in America 0/4
1986 Quicksilver 1/ 4
1987 84 Charing Cross Road 1/ 4
1988 Shoot to Kill 1/4
1989 The Mighty Quinn 2/4
1990 Revenge 2/4
1991 The Silence of the Lambs 4/4
1992 Wayne’s World 2.5/4
1993 The Temp 0/4: The Orangutan of Doom
1994 Blank Check 1/4