Video Game Adaptations: Bloodrayne 3: The Third Reich

Yes, yes, I know that title says “The Blood Reich Bloodrayne 3” but I’ve just looked it up on IMDB, and it’s actually Bloodrayne 3: The Third Reich. Which is only marginally less dimwitted.

Jesus suffering fuck, why do I keep doing this to myself? I’m almost on the verge of binning this stupid series altogether if I don’t find a good adaptation in the very near future. In the meantime, I’ve got to dredge the contents of my memory to produce a review of a film I can barely fucking remember, one from German turd-meister Uwe Boll that’s so inconceivably boring that despite gratuitous boob and lesbianism, I still can’t recall a damned thing about it. This is going to be a tough one. 

What I don’t understand about the Bloodrayne films, is that they shouldn’t be that hard to make entertaining. Instead there’s the enormously boring and inept first film, then there’s the even more boring and inept second film, and now the trilogy is finished off with a hugely boring and inept film. How is this so difficult to make enjoyable? The first has the concept of half vampire fighting full vampires and killing people in medieval times, the second has vampire Billy the Kid and this one is Bloodrayne v the Nazis. This concept should be schlocky gold: half-vampire v Nazi, yet in the hands of the Boll it isn’t. He has managed to take a concept that should be an open goal and cock it up completely.

I feel really jealous of this fucker. This happens in the first twenty minutes so he didn't have to sit through the rest of it.

Rayne (Natassia Malthe), 700 year old Dhampir nymphomaniac, is working with some local resistance group somewhere in Europe. During the course of a battle, she’s shot and has to take blood from the nearest warm throat to survive. The nearest throat is, of course, a Nazi Commandant (Michael Paré, again). Rayne fucks up however and doesn’t finish him off. Enter Dr. Mangler (Clint Howard) who cuts up vampires in dubious experiments in an aim to make Hitler immortal. He experiments with the Commandant  dude, while Rayne commits acts of lesbianage, has random sex with a guy, stabs a few people, utterly fails to convincingly kick some ass, and er, wins eventually. At least I think she does, but if I’m honest, all I really remember from this film is Malthe’s hooters and the lesbianage.

Paré and Howard comparing pay cheques.

This is a boll film so we know the score: Writing by Michael Nachoff is better than usual in a Bloodrayne film, particularly compared to the awful Western vampire train plan in the previous entry, but still under par. Acting is almost universally crap with the exception of Howard, but particularly bad is Paré who looks like he honestly could not give less of a fuck. He’s a vampire Nazi, for fuck’s sake, he should at least be having fun. Malthe is better here than she was in her first stab in Rayne’s leathers, and, obviously, she gets naked, so that’s a step up too. That doesn’t mean she’s good, though. Howard, as mentioned, gets the plaudits here, but the mad doctor is easily the most entertaining role on view, so there’s no point giving too much credit.

Dr. Mangler was searching without success for the cure for those poor bastards that have seen all three Bloodrayne films.

Then there’s the direction. The thing about Boll films is that they’re usually terrible and cribbed from other films. For example, In the Name of the King is semi-plagiarised from a lot of Lord of the Rings, and Bloodrayne 2 borrowed heavily from the Wild Bunch.This is, while unoriginal, not essentially unacceptable behaviour. Unfortunately, there is clearly more to this direction lark than just stealing from another film, and Boll usually manages to be utterly inept at filming action scenes. They’re always confusing, the camera is badly positioned, you can’t see what’s going on etc. This time round, the action scenes are noticeably better than in previous efforts, but, meh, they still aren’t great and do tend to be confusing. Then, there’s the good doctor’s attempts at filming sex- which are always terrible and humiliating for the actress (Lokken clinging on to the cell bars for grim life being an example). In Bloodrayne 3, though, he’s improved exponentially and we can (HUZZAH!) finally see what the hell is going on in the sex. This is a good thing, because it’s LESBIAN SEX as well. Congratulations, Dr. Boll, you’ve just earned your first full chang from me.

HUZZAH!!! Best bit of the film by a long way.

However, that’s all he is getting. Because while boob and lesbianism did perk me up and give me the strength to make it through the film, there’s no doubt that it’s still terrible and boring. The problem I’m having is that it’s also managed to almost completely wipe itself from my memory, and I fucking knew I should have written this review when I watched it. Except I was in the middle of the Birthday Series so didn’t want to break the flow. As a direct result of this laziness, I’ve got fuck all to say here except that no, I don’t recommend this.

Bloodrayne 3 is a boring and forgettable film. By the lofty standards of Dr. Boll, it’s probably fair to regard it as brilliant, but by any other reasonable measure of cinema, it isn’t. It’s turd. It’s turdy the turd and his whole family of floaters being swept out of a Spanish drain into the Mediterranean Sea. That’s how much turd it is. If it were an actual shit, then this film is not the one that killed Elvis, that’s the first Bloodrayne film, but it’s still a large and evil poop of a particularly obnoxious type. Like Leeds. However, I do give Bloodrayne 3 1 Chang, because of the nudity and lesbianism, but really, Uwe, you need more than that to make a good film. Either that or give up and just go and make pornography properly. Doubt you’ll get Paré to go with you though.

Sorry about the corpography in the last paragraph.

Until next time,

Jarv.

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

7 responses to “Video Game Adaptations: Bloodrayne 3: The Third Reich”

  1. Droid says :

    So what is the average chang rating of the Bloodrayne series? All I’ve seen is that 30 minutes of number two we watched. That was about 30 minutes too much I’m thinking.

  2. ThereWolf says :

    One ‘Bloodrayne’ was enough for me.

    Not even lesbians will get me near this one. Well, probably not, anyway.

    Well, maybe…

  3. just pillow talk says :

    Hrmph…comment totally blown away.

    Not even this little bit of lesbo action can persuade me to see any of this series. If it’s one thing I’ve learned from the birthday series, even some nice boob will not save movies from sucking the life out of one’s soul…

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