Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Nude Nuns With Big Guns
My sins, they were with women
Jarv’s Rating: 1 Chang out of 4. Just not enough fun, and far, far too rapey. Sorry.
Let’s be honest here, I was never going to be able to resist a film called “Nude Nuns with Big Guns”. Seriously, it promises stupidity, lesbians, nudity, gunplay, nudity, being rude about religion, lesbians, and nudity. So, my schlock watching mate and myself got in an ocean worth of beer, put it on and lit a few spliffs. This should be a blast, right?
No, it isn’t and I’ll come to why in a moment. Nude Nuns with Big Guns is an attempt at a straight-faced exploitation film. I’m not the largest fan in the world of Nunsploitation anyway, as most of them that I’ve seen are crap and borderline unwatchable, but still, there’s something deliciously tempting about a tooled up naked Nun (provided she’s hot, natch) killing lots and lots of people. With big guns. Sadly, that isn’t really what we have here.
To be fair, the opening 15 minutes are fan-fucking-tastic. It’s nice and sleazy and introduces the plot of the film in one easy bite. Naughty father Bernado (Maz Siam) is driving a busload of nuns across the desert to meet up with Chavo (David Castro) and his nefarious bike gang for a drug deal. A massacre inevitably takes place and sole survivor, the innocent Sister Sarah (Asun Ortega), is taken away to Chavo’s brothel to service the customers. Where she’s drugged and repeatedly raped. One customer goes too far and nearly kills her, forcing Chavo to hand her over to local doctor Mr. Foo (Maxie J. Santillan Jr). She reveals that she’s been given a mission from the man upstairs, and so he hands over some guns to her. Whereupon the ungrateful cow puts a bullet in his head. The rest of the film is essentially a revenge tale as Sister Sarah kills her way up the drug dealing clergy ladder, sorts out the bikers and cleans up Catholicism. Oh, and she’s a dyke. This is fairly important.
Sounds like quite a lot of fun doesn’t it? Well, it isn’t. It’s grimy and horrible for the most part. The essential problem is that there isn’t enough material to maintain a feature, even a grindhouse feature, so the plot splits all over the place. We spend time with the bikers, other nuns, the clergy as well as with Sister Sarah on her revenge trip. Now the reason that this doesn’t work (because it isn’t a bad idea per se to spend time with the villains before they get offed) is that the time we spend with the bikers is absolutely repellent. Chavo’s number one gang henchman is a huge black dude called Kickstand (Xango Henry) who exists in the group to rape on Chavo’s orders. So, we get to see a heinous and utterly gratuitous rape of a mother in front of her daughter, an elderly nun raped until she breaks her vow of silence, then Chavo mans up himself to rape Sister Sarah’s girlfriend. There are, shit you not, four individual, highly-stylised rape sequences in this film, and I challenge anyone to watch that without feeling a bit ill. I couldn’t do it, and actually fast forwarded Kickstand raping the old woman.
On the acting front, Asun Ortega is highly attractive (I like Latina Women), and totally willing to take her clothes off. She plays it completely straight, and is actually the centre and the high of the movie. Castro is borderline psychotic as Chavo, which is far enough, and Siam plays Foo as some kind of trippy drugged out type. The rest of the support is adequate, aside from Henry, who is downright terrifying as serial rapist Kickstand. He’s fucking huge as well, a gigantic, scary, demented presence on screen.
The gunplay is quite well shot, and the lesbian scenes (there are a lot of them) are also well shot. So credit there. This is quite well handled for the most part. However, the question about exploitation is always does it deliver on its central premise? Which is usually encapsulated in the title. In this case, absolutely. There’s fucking loads of nudity and Sister Sarah does indeed bust out an arsenal to take vengeance. However, the story is slight, there’s no real difficulty for her to overcome (the closest she gets is when she’s caught and escapes through a clever use of lesbianage and nudity). Writer/ Director Joseph Guzman has clearly set out to make a “straight” unironic exploitation movie and I suppose to be fair, he has.
Unfortunately, and it is a big “unfortunately”, Nude Nuns with Big Guns is a chore to sit through. There’s just too much gratuitous rape and I can’t really see the need to see every scene. The sequence with the bikers dealing with the tourists could have worked quite happily without Kickstand doing his thing, and do we really need to see Chavo pounding on Sarah’s girlfriend at the climax of the film? Me, I don’t particularly like depictions of rape in film, and in this instance the film is going for trashy fun which is utterly negated by the multiple acts of forced sex.
Overall, nope, I don’t recommend this one. I may give it another shot fast forwarding all the rape, which I bet improves it exponentially (it certainly won’t be as unpleasant to sit through), but really, that’s no way to watch a film. It’s a shame, actually, because there is a good, old-fashioned, balls-out exploitation film lurking under here, but I generally don’t like films that I feel like I need to take a shower in bleach afterthe final credits roll. Nude Nuns with Big Guns just isn’t enough fun to wash away the grime. Pity about this really.
Until next time,