Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare: The Beast Within (1982)
Here’s the latest instalment of Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare.
I’ve nothing to say about this one at all. Aside from that I’ve gone along with his wishes for it- as they’re pretty clear. Really clear, actually.
Poor old Pillows…
Based upon the blurb on netflix and from those of you who had seen this, I was dreading this film. So, here it goes…
Nioba Mississippi, 1964….Eli (Ronny Cox) and his new bride Caroline run off the road and get stuck in the middle of nowhere. Eli has the bright idea of running off to find a gas station or something, leaving his new bride alone in a deep, dark forest. Well what do you know if some sort of monster rapes her. Eli comes back with a tow truck to find her in a sorry state to say the least.
Fast forward 17 years later to Jackson Mississippi, and the mutant to be child has a chemical imbalance, a pituitary gland causing too rapid a growth, and the doctors are puzzled. He is dying, and no one knows why. But Caroline knows, and so does Eli, don’t you Eli? Paul Clemons plays their son Michael, who sort of walks a bit like that kid who plays Neville from Harry Potter. Unlike Neville, he doesn’t have a wand, but he is having some nightmares. His parents decide that the best thing for their son, who is quite frightened, is to leave him and head back to Nioba. Perhaps they heard of the diner that got exquisitie reviews for the grilled fat they serve? So they go snooping around, asking some questions about 17 years ago and the like. The locals are hiding something, cause they don’t like these big city folk from Jackson asking questions! Meanwhile, Michael walks out of the hospital cause he thinks he’ll get better that way or something. Well, the ‘change’ is accelerating within him and he makes his way to Nioba.
The best within starts taking over and he kills some old dude, which is handled piss poorly. This has the effect of reversing Michael’s declining health. Michael, feeling good, gets a bit of action with some chick. Things are going well, takes her for a walk near the swamp with her dog, gets in some smooching, when her dog happens to bring back a hand that was in the swamp. Damn, I hate when that happens!
The cops and Eli stick around to dig up the rest of the body, or should I say a shitload of bodies.
Michael kills a couple more people. They are quite boring…no tension…no creativity…nothing. In fact, this movie is an hour and 38 minutes, and it feels more like 3 hours. Fuck me, my list blows.
So Romeo Michael has developed a thing for swamp girl, and goes to see her. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t going to tell her about all the people he’s killed, but to show her his little beast. Alas, her father and Michael’s father prevent anything from happening. As it turns out, Michael is inheriting/changing into the beast, who apparently was a dude named Billy Connors. Wasn’t that the name of the little kid who tormented Keifter Sutherland in Flatliners? Anyway, back at the doctor’s office, Michael flips out on the Dr. and tosses him aside and runs away. Runs like the wind! He tracks down another dude and kills him, all the while yelling something about their childhood together. Oh, the mystery!
After that, Michael goes to warn swamp girl that if she stays, she is going to die because everyone who has died is a Curwin. Oh shit, she’s a Curwin then! Get your ass outta there girl! He screams at her to get in her car now, and go. But she’s just so busy cutting up a pepper, that when he shakes her, she cuts herself. She goes upstairs to change, and he tastes her blood that had dripped on a dish, which makes him go slightly crazy. He has a dramatic internal battle: to eat her or not. He runs through the second floor window to prevent harming her, and what young monster-to-be wouldn’t do that for the girl he cares about? They bring him back to the doctor’s where he pleads for them to kill him, because in an hour it will be too late.
And guess what? It is…Michael starts getting ugly, real fast. Swamp girl’s daddy comes charging in with a shotgun, but instead of blowing Michael away, he just stands and watches the transformation. The transformation is hilarious…it was a bit like big trouble in little china blowing up head. Swamp girl daddy ends up shooting Michael, but it’s too late and he gets smashed against the wall. Michael goes after the Judge, but the Judge escapes to the sheriff’s where everyone else is holed up. And there the Judge gets pressured by Eli to tell the truth..and here it is…
The Judge’s brother finds his wife cheating on him with Billy Conners. He locks up Billy in a cellar and kills his wife. With Billy starving, he throws his wife’s body down for Billy to feed on. He keeps Billy alive by providing more human flesh for him to feast on. Apparently that’s enough to turn Billy into a monster, literally, and he escapes, rapes Eli’s wife, and bingo, Michael is somehow inflicted with monsteritis. What fucking crap.
The one funny part in this shitty movie is when the Judge gets his head ripped off by Michael. So swamp girl gets into an accident while trying to get away crashes her car. Mikey of course finds her and rapes her. Parents end up taking a shotgun to his head. The end.
This movie is fucking awful. Besides the obvious monster raping woman, the acting is poor, and downright shitty in the case of Paul Clemens. There is no tension whatsoever, it’s boring in between the bookend offensive rapes, just a bad, bad movie. It makes no sense that Billy would have turned into a deformed monster thing, same as Michael. Ugh…I feel like I need to take a shower after watching this complete and utter shit. Fuck this movie and fuck any pictures to go along with this review. Here’s the only picture this bitch gets: orangutan of fucking doom.
Next up is King of Comedy
The Nightmare so far…
1973 The World’s Greatest Athlete 1 / 4
1974 Deranged 0.5 / 4
1975 Shampoo 1.5 / 4
1976 Taxi Driver 3 / 4
1977 Black Samurai 1.5 / 4
1978 The Betsy 0 / 4
1979 Quintet 0 / 4
1980 Hero at Large 2/4
1981 Dogs of War 2.5/4
1982 The Beast Within 0/4: The Orangutan of Doom