Jarv’s Birthday Series: Christopher Columbus: The Discovery (1992)

What. A. Load. Of. Shit.

Imagine if some fucking imbecile took the Errol Flynn ethos and tried to adapt it to the early 1990’s. Then find  the smuggest cunt you can find to play the lead. Then find a history book, and use it to wipe your arse. Then, as if that’s all not awful enough, cast a fucking load of cretins that should know better (and in this case, they really should). Add in a charmless and aggravating script and shoot it in an overly-worthy History Channel flashback style, and you’ve got Christopher Columbus: the Discovery.

I honestly thought Xanadu would be the worst film on this list (a ballsy claim, considering what’s coming) but, fuck me, this shite manages to be worse in that I’d rather rewatch Xanadu than this. I’ve decided that if I can’t be arsed to do anything with the monkey, giving him a disco-glow or whatnot, then the fucking film is unforgivable. And that’s what we have here.

Oh, by the way, in the interests of full disclosure this used diaper of a film was released on 21st August 1992

This is so painfully awful. To be honest, I’m actually starting this review when I’ve got about an hour of it left. Don’t worry, it’s on in the background (He’s just left dock and there’s Christian music), but Jesus suffering Fuck, this film makes me want to found a religion where people who make this sort of shit are viciously tortured for all eternity. Possibly with pineapples. What the fuck is Brando doing in this? Seriously?

Incidentally, I have a great story about Brando and Streetcar Named Desire, that is utterly unrelated to this steaming sack of shit. I know that Pillows has a worse list than me (a lot worse) but I’ll take the Pepsi fucking challenge on the two worst films in his list. In anyone’s actually.

Shite, digressing. Back on track. This film is garbage. It’s so bad, it has actually derailed my previously well thought out tirade about the crass stupidity of a system that deliberately puts films with the same subject matter up against each other. Which, incidentally, was a fucking brilliant rant and referenced a whole load of forgotten shit. Unfortunately, this drivel has wiped my brain completely, so I’ve forgotten it.

I suppose I had better pretend that nobody in the world knows what this story is about. It’s pretty much a given, really, considering the name. A young lad called Chris Columbus, moves from deepest darkest Idaho to New York City in the 1970’s. In no time at all, the poor bastard has fallen in with Warhol’s factory crowd and he’s taken up heroin and anal sex. Two months later, he’s found dead in a pool of his own vomit, naked, with nothing but an artistically framed pop-art shot pinned to his left nipple.

Alright, that’s a lie. It’s obviously about the discovery of America. Columbus is a scumbag who flees to Spain, slips Catherine Zeta Jones a length, navigates Catholic politics (Torquemada is played by Marlon Brando here, and Isabella’s (Rachel Ward) confident is Tom Selleck) until he can fuck Isabella who will fund his trip to find America. That’s the fucking plot so far, except, and this is important, I’ve still got about 45 minutes to go and they’ve not made it further than fucking Cleethorpes.

For fuck’s sake, who gives a shit?

OK, the acting in this is fucking horrid. Selleck couldn’t give a fuck, whereas Zeta Jones is trying too hard. Ward is a complete and utter waste of time, being some kind of Regal Bimbo, and what the fuck Brando thinks he’s playing at is a mystery to all concerned. However, they aren’t really the problem. I think, and this is a shot in the dark, that acting is much more difficult when you have someone completely devoid of talent opposite you. Say, for example, you’re wide receiver for the San Fransisco 49’ers in the mid 80’s. You didn’t have to be that great because Joe Montana would put the ball in the right place for you to catch it every time. Here, the actors are actually playing in that side, but there’s a man with no arms throwing the ball. It doesn’t matter what lines they run, the ball (if it is thrown) is going to land in the fucking crowd. This is, entirely, because of human cunt flap Georges Corraface who plays Columbus, who is so supremely awful that the entire actors interaction dies around him.

There’s literally no drama here. We know he’s going to get the commission to find America, and when he’s on the fucking boat, we know nobody is going to kill him (aside from the chronic stupidity of basing an expedition into the unknown on some fucking map you bought in a bazaar, which you know is wrong. While I’m thinking about it). Therefore this film lives and dies on how well the drama holds up. In this case, because it was written by cretins, the first-rate cast are attempting to squeeze drama out of literally nothing, and even if they could manage it, Corratwat turns up with a shit eating grin to fuck the whole thing up.

I haven’t even touched on the crass and obnoxious shit when they get to the West Indies, but I was praying that Cannibalism would be the vogue. I seriously am wondering if this is a Christian Production (PS- it’s still going. If this is only 120 minutes, then that’s a lie).

Overall, this is a fucking hideous film, and there’s a reason 1492 crushed it. I’ve reached the end now, and it hasn’t improved. To be fair, it isn’t worse than Xanadu, although the patronising Jewish shit halfway through made me consider it, but it’s still an Orangutan of Doom film. Basically, don’t touch this toss, ever, and hopefully it can sink back into obscurity where it belongs.

Phew, the 90’s start, for me, anyway, here. Hard Target  is next up, which is seven shades of awesome and has death by all sorts of stupidity in it.

Until next time,

Jarv,

he full list in this series:

• 1978 – The Driver (3 out of 4)
• 1979 – Life of Brian (4 out of 4)
• 1980 –Xanadu (Orangutan of Doom)
• 1981 – An American Werewolf in London (4 out of 4)
• 1982 – Class of 1984 (3 out of 4)
• 1983 – Fire and Ice (1 out of 4)
• 1984 – Cal (1/2 out of 4)
• 1985 – Teen Wolf (3 out of 4)
• 1986 –Reform School Girls (2.5 out of 4)
• 1987 – Dirty Dancing (Orangutan of Doom)
• 1988 – Married to the Mob (1 out of 4)
• 1989 – Millennium (1 out of 4)
• 1990 – Darkman (3 out of 4)
• 1991 – Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man (2 out of 4)
• 1992 – Christopher Columbus: The Discovery (Orangutan of Doom)
• 1993 – Hard Target
• 1994 – Natural Born Killers
• 1995 – Desperado
• 1996 – Freeway
• 1997 – Mimic
• 1998 – Blade
• 1999 – Teaching Mrs. Tingle
• 2000 – Bring it On
• 2001 – Heartbreakers
• 2002 – Simone
• 2003 – My Boss’s Daughter
• 2004 –  Exorcist: The beginning
• 2005 – The Cave
• 2006 – Invincible
• 2007 – War
• 2008 – Death Race
• 2009 – Der Baader Meinhof Komplex
• 2010 – Piranha 3D
• 2011 – Conan the Barbarian