Stuff Blows Up Real Good–Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Stuff-Blows-Up-Real-Good-HeaderWelcome to yet another ongoing series. Really, I could’ve put this under the Droid Premiere title, but I’ve been meaning to start this series which will celebrate the classics and not so classics of one of my favourite sub-genres, the Dumbhouse action movie.

Transformers-Dark-of-the-Moon-PosterI was never a fan of ‘Transformers’ growing up. I didn’t really play with action figure toys. I became familiar with the main characters by watching some of the cartoon series that ran on Saturday morning. But even then I only knew that there were goodies (Autobots) and baddies (Decepticons), and the main protagonists were Optimus Prime and Megatron. I seem to remember another robot that turned into a gun for Optimus Prime, but I might be mistaken on that one. So when the first ‘Transformers’ film came out, I wasn’t expecting anything. Aside from some juvenile humour and an overstuffed cast, the story itself was solid, with the central theme being about a kid and his first car. With the Transformers brought to life by outstanding special effects and a director that excels at blowing stuff up real good, it wasn’t great, but it did prove a fun time at the cinema. The second film however, was a loud, unpleasant, confusing, crass, obnoxious waste of resources that should really have been the death of the franchise. And it would have been, if ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’ hadn’t inexplicably grossed north of $800 million at the box office. Michael Bay has since been quoted as calling the second film “crap”. While that’s all well and good to say now, what we really want Bay to do is to make a truly great ‘Transformers’ movie. Has he made one with ‘Dark of the Moon’?

A word of warning before I go on. I’m going to reveal plot points that may be considered as spoilers. If you would rather your film experience unspoiled, look away now. But to be quite honest with you, it really won’t matter. No plot twist or turn is a surprise. There is nothing you can’t see coming a mile away. And when all is said and done, it’s all about the Giant Robots Hitting Each OtherTM isn’t it?

Transformers-Dark-of-the-Moon-4So, you’re still with me? Good. Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBouf) is now a college graduate who can’t (or won’t) get a job. No surprise since in job interviews he motormouths annoying anecdotes for comedic effect. After having his heart broken by “the ex-girlfriend” (for some reason they refuse to use her name. Probably because, like me, they can’t remember what it is), Sam has landed himself a British supermodel type (Rosie Huntington-Something) to look after him. Because motormouth dweebs with no money, a rust bucket car, pet robots (small ones) and no prospects often land supermodel types that are willing to financially support them. Also, most women don’t go for guys shorter than them, unless they have money or power, or both, which Sam doesn’t. But I digress. The space race really started when an alien spaceship crash landed on the moon. So in the late 60’s, the USA landed on the moon, and Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong went to investigate. They discover Sentinel Prime (Spock), the “Einstein of the Autobots”, who was shot down escaping the doomed planet Cybertron. Which from the evidence supplied by the flashbacks, is situated about 150 metres west of the moon. I wonder why no one with a telescope had seen that before. The reason why this matters, is because the ships cargo was a macguffin. And how to operate the macguffin is a mystery known only to Sentinel Prime. It’s actually some sort of teleportation/wormhole/space time continuum doohicky device. More on that later. After much ballyhoo, in which Sam gets a job for a nutcase (John Malkovich), gets jealous over his girlfriends rich boss (the Greys Anatomy bloke), and Sam’s parents turn up to provide the crassest, most inappropriate joke of the series (and I’m lenient on the jokes in this series) the actual story starts when the Autobots, who have now discovered the secret of the moon, rescue Sentinel Prime and the macguffin.

Transformers-Dark-of-the-Moon-3This is the first hour. There’s only so much set-up I can take. But wait, there’s more (here’s where I get spoilery). Bear with me here. This gets a bit convoluted. Megatron has seemingly been exiled to Africa where he bigs himself up by intimidating locals of the four legged, wooshy tailed variety. For reasons not that mysterious, Megatron is deliriously happy to learn that the Autobots have located Sentinel Prime and the All Spark Matrix of Leadership… macguffin bollocks. It seems that it’s all part of the master plan! You see, prior leaving Cybertron after it was destroyed and crash landing in the Arctic sometime prior to 1897 while looking for the All Spark (according to the first film when Great Grandaddy Whitwicky found him frozen in the ice cave), Megatron and the Decepticons made a deal with Sentinal Prime. Remember, Sentinel’s a smart cookie, and he could see the writing on the wall. He made a secret deal and pledged his allegience to the Decepticon flag, with the plan to use the macguffin to save the planet. Even though Megatron started the war over the All Spark that destroyed the planet. Still with me? So S-Dizzle departs Cybertron (which seems to be right next door to the moon, remember) with the macguffin, but is attacked by Decepticons. His ship is dama… Hang on a second… Aren’t Sentinel Prime and the Decepticons in cahoots? If Sentipops is escaping Cybertron with the device (that only he knows how to operate, by the way) in league with the Decepticons, why are the Decepticons trying to shoot him down? I know it’s in a Decepticons very nature to be deceptive, but honestly, this deception seems a little self-defeating. The timeline is also murky on when this deal was made. Megatron was in on it, but he left when the Autobots jettisoned the All Spark because Cybertron was about to be destroyed. So if he was found as an ice cube in 1897, you’d reasonably assume he was there for a while. But Sentinel ‘Puffy’ Prime crash landed on the moon in 1961. This timeline is like the bastard child of VBA and SQL. Nothing makes sense.

Transformers-Dark-of-the-Moon-5So when the master plan is revealed, more questions arise. Spock Prime’s Einsteinesque scheme is to use the McMuffin to teleport Cybertron to Earth. As Cybertron is substantially large, the issue of where to put it and what effect putting a planet in touching distance of Earths atmosphere will have on this planet. And since it’s only a couple of hundred metres from the moon in the first place, why bother anyway? The next phase of the Decepticons plan is to enslave humanity as a workforce to rebuild Cybertron. This is flawed two fold. Firstly, transporting humanity to Cybertron seems like a precious waste of resources considering Cybertron looks as though it’s a ball of pieced together scaffolding that doesn’t appear to have a breathable atmosphere. So slave life expectancy is minimal. Secondly, since hundreds of giant Decepticon robots appear out of the woodwork, and one giant robot that doesn’t need oxygen is worth a hundred million human slaves who can hold their breath for sixty seconds apiece while trying to shift huge steel girders before keeling over in elaborate, morale taxing histrionics, wouldn’t it be better if the Decepticons just rolled up their sleeves and put in some hard yakka? This strikes me as just plain lazy on the Decepticons part. A solid couple of weeks and they’d be back on track. “We have six billion slaves!” cries S-Diddy at one point. Minus the countless humans that the Decepticons murder of course. I half expected Symbol, the robot formerly known as Prime, to re-evaluate later in the movie. “We, um, have 5 billion slaves! No, make that 4 billion! Guys, stop murdering the slaves for crying out loud!”

Transformers-Dark-of-the-Moon-2What this all amounts to is an hour and a half of rushed set up, choppy, stop start pacing, needless diversions, half baked twists, and a plot with more gaping holes than a pornstar convention. But does this matter? There are a large number of reviews on the interweb that embrace the “who cares? It’s a Michael Bay movie.” or “What were you expecting?” rationalisation when it comes to ‘Transformers: Dark of the Moon’. I do concede that in times past I have let things slide because of the Bayhem. And there are times during this film that I was almost ready to do the same. But no excuses. This is a bad film. The last hour is ear-splittingly loud, with a seemingly endless series of randomly edited shots haphazardly pieced together. It’s like the editor hit shuffle and went out for a smoke. Single shots or sequences are sometimes impressive. The skyscraper collapsing, Optimus Prime going apeshit with a laser sword, the gliders and the two slow motion shots of Bumblebee rescuing Sam are all terrific and exhilarating shots. But they fall in the middle of a movie that has no flow. An action scene is almost a movie in itself. It needs to build a narrative. A beginning, a middle and an end. Michael Bay’s ‘Dark of the Moon’ is all middle. It’s an obnoxious, relentless discharge of sound and fury. So ambivalent is the film towards real emotion, that it completely betrays it’s main character. Late in the film, the Autobots are being herded onto a spaceship, banished from Earth. The ship goes up, a Decepticon is waiting in the early reaches of the atmosphere and dives down and blows the ship up. Autobots are assumed deceased. Since the theme of the ‘Transformers’ films have been the bond between a boy and his first car, I would fully expect at least a reaction from Sam when he saw what became of his best friend, Bumblebee. No, not a single shot, and his loss is never mentioned again (until Bumblebee and Co. magically show up at the right time to help save the day). Sam trots off to ground zero to save his damsel in distress. This illustrates for me the deepest flaws of the ‘Transformers’ sequels. While the first film was overcast and unfocused, it did have a strong central theme and allowed time for a friendship to develop. Now that friendship has made way for a kid doing everything he can to get his end away. That’s character development for you. Even at over two and a half hours long, ‘Dark of the Moon’ only has time for spectacle. Empty, loud, braindead spectacle.

1-chang

Take it easy,

Droid

Droid

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About Judge Droid

In between refining my procrastination skills I talk a lot of shit about movies and such.

74 responses to “Stuff Blows Up Real Good–Transformers: Dark of the Moon”

  1. Tom_Bando says :

    I enjoyed it despite it’s (many) flaws. For me it’s better than the first one. Mostly it comes from the improved F/X in the all important Robots-hitting-each-other aspect, which w/out it this movie series simply has no reason to exist.

    I liked Turturro and McDormand in this, can’t for the life of me remember what Malkovich was doing, found the whole Chicago hour to be quite good (if over-rated in some quarters)-as if Mikey Bay discovered Pacing, clarity and Editing.

    Plus the new red bot there was neat.

    • Droid says :

      See, I found it difficult at times to discern between the two red bots when they were hitting each other.

      Turturro was more dialed down in this one, which was good. But ultimately, he was superfluous. Really, all the human actors were.

  2. Bartleby says :

    This is refreshing. After all our banter about this series, I was worried we were going to agree on this.

    But, Droid called a Mike Bay movie ’empty, brainddead specatcle so all is right.

    That I actually enjoyed this one is just icing on the cake.

    Funny review. Watching you try to make your way through the labyrinth was hilarious. I don’t believe anyone wrote this (the movie, not your review), I think they put post-its in a blender and hit vaporize.

    I fail to see, though, how this one is much different than the first (aside from the Bumblebee/Sam relationship). I wonder if you have reviisited it lately.

    My biggest problem–that Optimus is just such a massive, ruthless dick now,. In the first he’s reluctant to destroy megatron and says ‘You left me no choice, brother’ after Sam jammed the All Spark in him.

    Now, he lets one of the robots beg for his life before capping him point-blank range. Bay takes another step towards completely amoral filmmaking. One day vvery soon, Bay and a computer can have a film-off, like the guy vs. the chess computer, and see who can make a more human movie. My money is on the computer.

    But, stuff gets blown up reaaaaal gooood.

    • Droid says :

      I double billed the first two about a month or so ago. I watched and enjoyed the first one and fell alseep in the second one.

      The first one has a less convoluted story and for the most part it sticks to it. It glances off here and there because of the overstuffed cast, but ultimately it sticks to its central theme. This one clearly has no interest in that theme, nor any of the human characters apart from whacky attempts at humour. And the plot is far too complicated with far too many holes. That’s why the first one is better.

    • Droid says :

      I actually like the fact that Op Prime finally became a badass. I hardly remember him doing that much in the first film. And the second, all I remember is the forest fight. In this one he finally cracks some skulls. And the bot he blows away point blank deserved it.

  3. Bartleby says :

    oh, and I think the dumbness of the plot, Droid, was not to put cybertron in touching distance of Earth, and then port on the slaves. Im pretty sure they were landing that badboy right onto Earth like some sort of over-glaze. This seems ludicrous as Im assuming the damage would be apocalyptically destructive. As you said, forcing decepticons to do it would be a better plan, and seriously, where do all the decepticons come from anyway? Nothing you say above is wrong, but I had a good time with the movie despite it dragging and being monumentally stupid.

    I just didnt find it as aggravating, insulting and purely stupefying as the original. Watching Battle Los Angeles right now, and am enjoying it more the second go-round, although I enjoyed it the first time too.

    • Jarv says :

      I still honestly think you’re going to revise this one. Droid’s review made it sound horrendous.

    • Droid says :

      Yeah, I was going to talk about that as the other option, but since I had already written over 1500 words on a Transformers movie, and had set up the joke of Cybertron being “150 metres west of the moon” already, I decided to let it be. There’s loads more I could pick at. The Greys Anatomy guy being the cheapest, most convenient plot device I’ve seen in a long time. The fact that Op P cried about his lost trailer. “I need those weapons.” or something to that effect. And he never mentions it again. He just shows up for the finale with all his weapons. More stuff like that. But it was already too much.

      • Droid says :

        Also, what’s with Megatron sitting in an alley with a rag over his head for the entire end battle?

      • Jarv says :

        Taking a quiet dump?

      • Droid says :

        What do Giant Robots dump I wonder… Dead car batteries?

      • Jarv says :

        Depends. If he’s had a giant robot curry then he probably dumps piles of sharp metal.

      • Bartleby says :

        one doesn’t have to speculate…

        the second film has jetfire, the geezer bot, having a terrible bout of incontinence, and crapping a parachute accidentally in front of Sam and co.

        man that was an awful movie.

        I wont be rethinking this, because I mean everything I said about it. I tisnt a good movie, but it is fun. In fact, it’s never my written thoughts I reconsider, just the stupid star ratings, which are often hard to get a handle on.

        For instance, how do you properly rate a movie that does everything it promises, and delivers some excellent action scenes, and will be loved by the target audience, and pushes forward into the filmmakers interest, and yet, it’s just dramatically and intellectually dead? I wasn’t bored, which is a lot for me in Bayland. It’s probably a 2.5 out of 5 really, but that also implicates a failing grade, and it isn’t a failure at what it sets out to be. I probably need to set up a chart on the site with corresponding ‘feelings’ to the ratings. 2.5 is a ‘fair’ rating, meaning it’s enjoyable but not much more.

        I also think Droid is nitpicking. That joke from mom wasnt called for, but neither it is even as long-running or embarrassing as these things from original: a) Shia’s ebay class debacle b)car piss c)anthony’s donut eating d) masturbation speech.

        I dont know if the main difference is down to the 3D Imax or not, but I thought the action and the special effects were really terrific and actually amounted to a recommendation for the sheer skill and excitement used to bring them off.

        Droid and I agree in the general things. It’s colossally dumb, it’s empty spectacle, it drags for an hour (I thought it felt like an hour and a half of dragging) and it isnt a good movie. It is however, another evolution for Bay. Like Lucas, I think the only reason he ever made halfway decent movies is because the technology and power/freedom wasn’t there for him to call all the shots.

        I honestly believe that if Lucas had the same freedom/tech in 1977 that he had in 1999, he would have made The Phantom Menace (or something very similar to it) back then.

        Limitations and improvisation often sharpen the edges of a filmmaker. Bay, I think, is a lost cause now. He will never have a reason or inclination to go smaller, to scale back. Overlord Bay has fallen into shadow and shall not return.

      • koutchboom says :

        You seen the clips that shoes Bay reusing shots from The Island in TF3?

      • Jarv says :

        Yeah, I saw that in the Guardian today.

      • Jarv says :

        My reasoning for a rethink on it is that from the sounds of it, it’s every bit as crass and wank as the other two. You even say that it’s a bad film, but you weren’t bored.

        What I’m wondering is if in a year’s time you see it on DVD, then you may re-evaluate it away from spectacle.

        Pure speculation, mind, but I wouldn’t be surprised.

      • Droid says :

        I also think Droid is nitpicking. That joke from mom wasnt called for, but neither it is even as long-running or embarrassing as these things from original: a) Shia’s ebay class debacle b)car piss c)anthony’s donut eating d) masturbation speech.

        The only similar joke is the wanking one. The others are clumsy or laboured gags, but they’re not offensive or inappropriate. Just ask yourself, what would you say/do/think if your mum made a comment about the size of your knob. Just because I react to something negatively that you haven’t doesn’t make it nitpicking.

        It’s also that the parents are completely and utterly pointless in this movie. There is absolutely no reason for them to be in it.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah isn’t he not living at home anymore? At least in 1 and 2 he was living at home. I heard your boi Ken Jeung has like a 5 minute freestyle comedy bit? How awesome was that?

      • Droid says :

        From what I understand, they used some of the footage from The Island to fill in a few gaps because of the accident they had on set. Remember some extra got sliced by glass or something. Anyway, I really didn’t notice it when I watched the movie.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah its fine, they just digitally inserted ginat robots into some of the highway chase scenes from The Island, maybe even used footage they got on The Island that they didn’t use for that film, in the comparision clips its only like 5ish seconds of exact same scenes. But thats what the theory was.

        It’s CRAZY to think about that person right if they had kids or a family or what….Yes Or son/daughter DIED FOR TRANSFORMERS 3!!!!

        At least the guy that died for The Dark Knight could die proud.

        All in all I wonder if the stunt men death ratio is higher then it has been? I know there was a big stunt man up heaviel when some lady died unnessicarily on Vampire On Brooklyn seems like all that notion has gone away.

        Didn’t someone die on the most recent James Bond?

      • Droid says :

        Yeah, he’s in it. He also has the coldest death I’ve seen since… well, Bad Boys 2. Ken plummets to his death and Overlord Bay goes for a gag. What a card!

      • koutchboom says :

        OHHH HE DIES IN THE FILM! FUCK now I’m even more excited to see it. Jesus I’ve been praying for his death.

      • Bartleby says :

        I’m saying that you are picking over something that is relatively small.. You say very little about what scenes you did like in the movie, although you mentioned there were a few.

        Personally, I thought the scene where the mother does the ‘Really nice box’ gag while looking at the new blonde (despite talking about a real box) was more crass.

        And Im pointing out that you make it sound above, sans clarification, like something monstrous., I didnt even know wth you talking about til Jarv asked and you clarified.

        Either way, no biggie.

      • Droid says :

        I didn’t go into what I liked very much because (other than the review being a bit of a stream of consciousness) I didn’t really think me describing action scenes would make for interesting reading. But for the record, here’s a couple of things I liked…

        1. Bumblebee saving Sam twice… I mentioned it in my review, but to reiterate, the slow motion shots were terrific.

        2. Alan Tudyk… He was actually funny. Not in the usual Bay manic way (eg. Ken Jeong).

        3. The small robots taking down the ship… Some amusing dialogue. I liked those two.

        4. The Optimus Prime tracking shots of him slicing and dicing… Good looking shots.

        5. The gliders and the building coming down… Nice sequence.

        The film had good effect, but it’s a goddamn mess. I didn’t think the action was as good as it could be. Consider for a moment the ebb and flow of the last 45 minutes of Avatar. That’s a battle on a similar scale, but everything is depicted with clarity and control. It has a beginning a middle and an end. Which the Chicago scenes in TF3 do not. It’s all thrashing, relentless middle.

        I wonder about IMAX. Maybe that makes a difference because of the aspect ratio. Because there were a lot of shots that appeared to cut off the top and bottom of the characters head. I think that IMAX might lend the action a bit more space. I’ve seen the second films forest fight footage from the IMAX dvd and that’s exactly what it’s done. The action is easier to follow, the screen appears less cluttered and it’s the better for it. Anyhoo…

        Overlord Bays best film is still The Island.

      • Bartleby says :

        ok, that last post of yours seals it…we more or less agree on this. Those are the things I liked in it too, and yes, I found the action scenes exciting without them being engaging or exhilirating. Avatar is still telling a story, but Bay finally had a sense of geography (or it seemed so to me) in that last bit, but I do think the movie has been form fitted for 3D and IMAX because it felt very immersive.

        I was surprised by the fact I liked the little bots. That was a good example of scaling back and doing something nifty with something intrinsically annoying (wheelie was abhorrent in the second one). Their bit where they deal a devestating blow to the Decepticons was actually quite amusing and more Joe Dante than Overlord Bay.

  4. Xiphos0311 says :

    Lance Armstrong went to the moon in 1969 two years before he was born? Damn Roids do magical shit.

  5. Jarv says :

    Not a shock.

    I think I will be holding on to my “not seeing it” stance. What’s the joke that manages to out-crass the other two films?

    This has been a shitty summer.

    • Droid says :

      To be fair, it’s the one and only crass joke in the entire thing, but it’s a doozy. I’ll paraphrase, but it’s said by Sams mum, who was complaining that he’s been dumped by another beautiful woman… Something like… “You’re not going to get a third. Unless you have a big… ” Now, for me, a mum talking about the size of her son’s junk is inappropriate and crass. It puts her making a joke about him jerking off to shame anyway.

      • Jarv says :

        Lame.

        Funny though that I would have less of a problem with that than the wank gag. Goes to show how it takes all sorts to make a world.

      • Jarv says :

        Not that I do think it’s appropriate. I don’t.

        These films would be so much better without crass and misguided attempts at humour.

  6. Jarv says :

    Spock Prime sounds like kind of a dick, and not very bright.

    • Droid says :

      He really isn’t very smart. It’s an idiotic plan. And he just hangs about for the entire final battle until his fisticuffs with Op.

      • Jarv says :

        Is this the worst summer film so far? Or are you hanging on that either Pirates 4 or X-Men is?

      • Droid says :

        No, Pirates 4 is worse. P4 is astonishingly dull. None of it is any good, expcept for one sequence that isn’t so much “good” as head and shoulders above the rest of the film.

        There’s plenty to like about Trannyformers 3. Just that the amount of things to dislike outweigh it 2-1. I was dabbling with the idea of giving this 1 1/2. But ultimately it’s too shoddy. I’d give X-Men Babies 1 1/2.

      • Droid says :

        I gave P4 one dread pirate roberts out of four. But that’s only because I couldn’t be assed stuffing around in photoship fashioning a half. That rating needs to be Lucas’d.

      • Droid says :

        Actually the worst film of the summer is Sucker Punch. That probably sneaks into the summer. Thats a film I binned after less than 30 minutes.

      • Jarv says :

        I need to see Sucker Punch so I can be rude about it solidly.

      • Droid says :

        Pirates 4 has passed $1 billion at the box office, and TF3 has passed $400 million in 6 days.

      • Droid says :

        Oooh… I smell a birthday present for someone!!! Sucker Punch is released on dvd in mid August! Huzzah!

      • Spud McSpud says :

        I’ve not seen P4 or TF3 yet, but for me, the undefeated heavyweight shitfest of this summer is definitely GREEN LANTERN. What a fucking waste of time, money, effects, talent, time, energy and fucking HOURS OF MY LIFE that fucking train-wreck was. FUCK YOU, WARNER BROS. And FUCK YOU MORE DC, FOR NOT KNOWING HOW TO MAKE A FUCKING DECENT SUPERHERO MOVIE WITHOUT CHRIS FUCKING NOLAN, YOU HACK CUNTS!!

        Sorry, gone a bit Gingertown there. I just got back from LANTERN, and cannot believe how shit it was…

    • Tom_Bando says :

      Spock Bot’s plan was James Bond baddie level, the Roger Moore years. No doubting that.

      This was quite better than Xmen Big Helmet, that one put me to sleep, Kevin Bacon and all.

      • Jarv says :

        Come on- Walken’s plan in View to a Kill was coherent and properly thought out- big earthquake trashes silicon valley.

      • Tom_Bando says :

        You actually Remember his plot from that movie??? All I remember is the Eiffel Tower and the Blimp.

      • Jarv says :

        I used to love that film when I was a kid. Not so great now

      • Tom_Bando says :

        Two words: Duran Duran.

      • Jarv says :

        Yes, alright, they do suck.

        And Grace Jones as well.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah watched View To A Kill recently solid Bond flick solid theme song as well probably in the top 5, didn’t like it at first but its grown on me. Duran Duran suck? Jesus you guys are fucking major buzzkill at the party.

      • Jarv says :

        Jesus you guys are fucking major buzzkill at the party.

        Not really. I was too young to like Duran Duran at the time, and I don’t tend to frequent gay orgies nowadays where they would likely be played.

        Duran Duran suck, and Simon Le Bon is a cunt.

        Fact.

      • koutchboom says :

        Naw you just don’t go to the right parties, there last last cd Red Carpet Masacre was fun as hell.

      • Jarv says :

        Before or after you got soundly buggered?

      • koutchboom says :

        IDK thats too British of a phrase to make the joke transistion across the atlantic.

      • Spud McSpud says :

        Jarv, speaking as the fellow ex-public school pupil and gentleman that I am, I can assure you that not only does a reasonable ratio of Duran Duran’s ouvre NOT suck, but that I have managed to evade being soundly buggered (due, in no small part, to the almost supernaturally acute pae-dar that I acquired at school) thus far, and hope to continue in that vein forevermore. They’re a gulty pleasure, sure, but I still quite like ’em, pretentiousness and all.

        But no argument on the fact – FACT! – that Simon Le Bon is the worst kind of cunt – smug, arrogant, and totally unaware of his fading status.

  7. Jarv says :

    Thinking about that joke…

    Given that he doesn’t have a job, has robot pets, isn’t particularly good looking, and drives a piece of shit- it’s not so much a joke as a serious piece of advice.

    If he doesn’t have a giant shlong then cumbuckets like Fox will dump his ass.

  8. Jarv says :

    I honestly am starting to think that this may well be the worst summer ever. Seriously, there’s been nothing but shit. GL on Wednesday for me, but I’m betting that will suck a fat one as well.

    • Jarv says :

      No I’m not.

      It’s gone.

    • Spud McSpud says :

      Trust me Jarv – you missed NOTHING.

      Why didn’t you fuckers tell me how SHIT that fucking movie was gonna be??

      How the fuck do you take $130 million, Ryan Reynolds, Blake “never looked beter” Lively, Mark “Best New Villain” Strong, a shitload of SFX, Martin “Safe pair of hands” Campbell – and end up with the tepid pile of shit we got?? A fucking undefined villain, another fucking cloud from space (like nobody learned from FANTASTIC FOUR 2 that CLOUDS AREN’T FUCKING SCARY), improbable plot contrivances, a boring fucking ending, bog-standard SFX in a movie where they needed to be OUT-FUCKING-STANDING, and a mid-end-credits scene where a character does something that he’s just seen DOES NOT FUCKING WORK?? WHHYYYYYYY?? Did none of those besuited infernal cuntlapping shitehawks over at the WB think to fucking READ the Sinestro Corps War?? What the FUCK is up with the shit summer movies this year??

      GAAAAHH!!! Fucking ROBBED of £13.50 for that piece of shit – in totally not-fucking-required-AT-ALL 3D!! The only good news? TRANSFORMERS 3 can NOT be that bad after this fucking debacle…

  9. just pillow talk says :

    I will keep my Transformer viewing of only seeing the first one alive….

  10. Continentalop says :

    I have a theory that Michael Bay and George Lucas has mastered Pareto’s principle when it comes to filmmaking.

    • Frank Marmoset says :

      80% of their films are made from 20% of their poop?

      • Continentalop says :

        Close. 80% of the movie public only cares about %20 of the stuff that goes into a movie.

        And plot, story, acting, subtext isn’t in that 20%. But ‘plosions and bright lights are.

    • Spud McSpud says :

      Fucking hell. Pareto is the new Nostradamus, because he’s fucking right…

    • Xiphos0311 says :

      When did the principle of factor sparsity get applied to movies?

      • Continentalop says :

        When I started applying it. Like I said, it’s my new theory. I’ll send you my paper when I am done writing it.

  11. Frank Marmoset says :

    This sounds just like the other two. I wish I could say I was going to do the smart thing and not bother with Transformers 3, but I’ll probably end up watching it on video. Because I am dumb.

  12. Spud McSpud says :

    Fucking hell, this sounds awful. All the “it’s better than the second” sounds like it’s better to get kicked in the bollocks than stabbed in the eye.

    I don’t get what the fuck happened to Michael Bay. His early stuff, though rammed full of magic hour photography, blatant visual steals of everything Tony Scott has ever done, silver nitrate-washed blue-grey palettes shot through with hypersaturated colour (like the green glass vials of bio-plague against the prison backdrop in THE ROCK), and boneheaded dialogue, was at least not just watchable, but actually coherent and had a solid plot. I’m talking BAD BOYS, THE ROCK, BAD BOYS 2, and THE ISLAND.

    Then came ARMAGEDDON.

    After that, with THE ISLAND being the only notable exception (probably because it’s a direct rip-off of CLONUS with a tad LOGAN’S RUN thrown in the mix), everything went to shit. Plots stopped making sense, bone-headed jingoism made emotional scenes into howling laugh-fests (yes, ARMAGEDDON climactic fast-cut montage ending with Bruce Willis saluting while wrapped naked in the Stars and Stripes, I mean YOU), rampant dumbass cliches became de rigeur, and so long at explosions occur fairly often, nobody gave a shit.

    Then you end up with an elaborate scene in BAD BOYS 2 where a camera goes 720 degrees round Will Smith behind a door and several Haitian drugrunners shooting at him, with God knows how much spent in SFX and fancy rigs and so on, and the dialogue goes:

    WILL SMITH: “Fuck me? Fuck YOU!”

    At this point, the only thing I CAN say about the Bayhem that is positive is that he can frame a shot like nobody else. The filters, the magic hour photography, the eye for a hot chick, the way he shoots a hero shot (low down, looking up, circling the hero, blue sky in the background) – he can make anything LOOK great. But whether he’s got the Columbian marching powder fever, or he’s wired to fuck on God knows what kind of java, or he really has devolved to having the brain of a 14-year old jock whose IQ depends on his sperm count, but Michael Bay cannot tell a story worth SHIT these days.

    So, I watch these movies for the odd decent action sequence, or decent SFX, or even decent next-generation hot chick shot (the first TRANSFORMERS gave us an intro to Megan Fox when she was bending over the open engine of Bumblebee, and my God, it’s like the Noughties version of the Farrah Fawcett head-back-laughing shot – utterly iconic, absolutely flawless in its photographic technique and the breathtaking hotness of its subject. Sorry Jarv, we agree to disagree on the Fox). But a summer movie should have a metric fuckload more going for it than decent SFX and the occasional well-framed action sequence. The summer of 1989 gave us INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE, BATMAN, THE ABYSS, STAR TREK V, LETHAL WEAPON 2, GHOSTBUSTERS 2, HONEY I SHRUNK THE KIDS – all well written, visually innovative and exciting, all with top-notch SFX, but CRUCIALLY – well acted, well written, and not absolutely rammed with plot-holes as incomprehensible as anything you’ll find in something as apocalyptically fucking stupid as the TRANSFORMERS movies.

    Basically, Bayhem, you flat-out fucking suck. Take your nose out of that (alleged) fucking mountain of white piled on the ass of the latest lingerie-model-with-zero-self-esteem that you’ve pulled to remind yourself that you aren’t the fucking loser you used to be in high school, go see some decent movies and LEARN TO TELL A STORY AGAIN, YOU SOULLESS FUCKING HACK.

    Droid, you shouldn’t have to put yourself through this. But thanks anyway. Forewarned is forearmed…

  13. ThereWolf says :

    I watched Transforminators 1 on DVD and quite liked it. None of the stuff that pissed everybody off pissed me off at all. Coz of that experience I decided to watch Part Deux at the IMAX. It was a noisy, fast-moving mess that I didn’t watch as such, it simply passed me by. Some months later, I saw it again on blu-ray and liked it a lot more, I could see and hear what was going on. And the stuff that pissed everyone off… etc…

    So, with the third one I’ll be waiting for the DVD again. I can control the volume.

    Top review, R2.

    • Tom_Bando says :

      Basically the bad stuff in Mikey Bay’s Ouevre? I’m immune. And the good stuff? You know I like it. There actually WAS a plot in this one, but mostly it was just fun to watch the Robots doing Robot things around the Loop etc. All that was missing was CGI 200′ Harry Carey and we’d have been all set.

      Take THIS out to the ballgame, Shia. *DUMP* CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN

    • koutchboom says :

      Heheheh Wolf that goes with my theory that Transformers just gets better and better the smaller the screen its on for some reason.

      • ThereWolf says :

        It’s a contradiction. Because, in my opinion, Bay is very good with light and composition and he knows how to fill a cinema screen. It’s a big screen, it needs filling, I’m all for it. TF2, after half an hour I was exhausted. And it just seemed like a really angry movie, like he was screaming at the naysayers – “Look what I can do! Look what I can do and none of you moaning fuckers can stop me!”

        On telly, TF2 didn’t scream as much and it was easier to follow the spectacle.

        He didn’t learn his lesson with ‘The Island”; he went slightly smaller and it was a lot more effective.

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