Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Faust- Love of the Damned

I am the pornography that gets you hot!

Jarv’s Rating: Yup, it gets the Ramirez of Insanity. This is a fundamentally terrible film, however it’s also one written by an angry posse of Manic Depressives who’ve been off the lithium for a while. Seriously, the climax of this film features a black mass/ orgy where a woman gives birth to a snake which is then fellated by a restrained guy smeared in that clay stuff that posh spas flog to credulous rich women as Facemask for £900 a tub before a giant penis demon appears and watches our villain have grubby S&M sex with our heroine while a guy in a terrible demon costume watches and cries for a while. Nuts. Completely and utterly nuts.

As I near the summit of Mount Yuzna, I have to say that for the most part it’s been a very pleasurable experience. The majority of the films on this list have been cheerful schlocky garbage, with a few legitimately underrated gems in there. Unfortunately, something seemed to go wrong for the big fella Post-Bride of Re-Animator, and with the exception of Beyond Re-Animator, the rest of them have been, well, pretty terrible. Entertaining as all hell, don’t get me wrong, but I’m starting to think that Society and the Re-Animator films are the exception rather than the rule. Take Faust: Love of the Damned, for example. I’m reliably informed that this mess is based on a funny book (oh dear), and I’m also reliably informed that it’s an “adult” funnybook. Now, when I hear that expression I automatically think of Hentai and Japanese schoolgirls being molested by giant Tentacle penis monsters from Dimension X (or whatever). Which really doesn’t bode well for the film.

"I'm not coming out until this makes sense"

 Well, I suppose I had better try to decipher this mess.

Jeffrey Combs clearly owed Brian Yuzna a favour (either that or he’d heard about the upcoming Re-Animator sequel and wanted to make sure he was on board) and he’s been roped into this claptrap to play Lt. Dan Margolis. Margolis has arrived at a crime scene and arrested John Jaspers (Mark Frost) who is obviously guilty of slaughtering the entire Chinese embassy. Next thing we know, Jaspers is locked in a padded cell (that he’s sharing with the writer of this nonsense) where he happily draws mystic symbols in poop on the wall, and psychiatrist Jade De Camp is trying out music therapy on him (thrash metal is not designed to soothe the savage beast). Cue Flashback and we see that Jaspers made a deal with “M” (Satan to you and me, played by a smirking Andrew Divoff) to get vengeance on the fat pimp that murdered his girlfriend, but unfortunately THE RAGE HAS TAKEN OVER AND HE JUST CAN’T STOP…..

Load of nonsense, really.

Anyhoo, “M” busts him out, and seems to be a bit pissy at the whole getting banged up thing, so buries Jaspers alive. Except, Jaspers escapes from Hell and transforms into stupid looking vengeance demon thingummy “Faust”.

With me so far?

Jeffrey lines up the writer.

OK- “M” has domestic problems. Mrs M (Claire- played by Monica van Campen who seems to be practically allergic to clothes) is a bit of a slag (a lot of a slag) who has shagged Jaspers, some random guy, and has designs on taking over the empire. He’s also deteriorating. He does, however, have a grand plan which involves throwing a massive orgy and shagging Jade which will bring back something or other that I didn’t really follow. Anyhow, Mrs. M betrays him, gets down to some nasty S&M torture with Jade (which she seems to enjoy) before M comes back and teaches her a lesson before the orgy. The orgy is as described above except Faust manages to spear the penis demon in the head with his Wolverine rip-off claws and then dies. Presumably from a heart attack.

This film is practically incomprehensible. I’ve tried to distill the plot there, but it makes not a jot of sense. Shit just happens for no apparent reason. For example, Claire shags Jaspers in the shower, but there’s no purpose to it (other than to get Monica’s tits out- which is completely unnecessary, because she’ll drop her top on command). He also tries to shag Jade (not joking) but she’s been a bit traumatised by being molested as a child (how does this add anything to the film?). Margolis randomly changes sides and then says to Jade “don’t you judge me?”. Well, Jeffrey, she may not be, but I fucking am- it’s completely out of character and betrays everything you stood for in the first half of the film.

I think we've finally found Don Murphy's dream woman.

Still, the acting is variable. Combs and Isabel Brook are quite good, Van Campen is OK at taking her top off and then spanking Brook, so she can have a pass too. Divoff is fucking hilarious chewing scenery Wishmaster style as “M”, and the whole farrago is let down by Frost who is atrocious as Jaspers and even worse as Faust. It’s a chronically awful display of acting and every time he was on screen in his stupid Demon get up, Mrs Jarv started making “loser” signs at him. I suspect that he doesn’t inspire terror in the criminal fraternity.

On the plus side, Yuzna hired Screaming Mad George again, and the man with the biggest bucket of blood this side of an abattoir went to town. Spiky things get inserted into practically every body part big enough to take spiky things, and those that aren’t get lopped off. The orgy is hugely comical (the snake birthing in particular is a giant “What the fuck moment”) and he threw loads and  loads of gore around. Good on him.

Divoff prepares to pimp slap a man in a plastic demon costume.

All of the above actually makes me like this film. It’s an insane schlock fest of silly demon, boob, violence, crap acting, silly lines, more boob, lesbianage, yet more boob, orgies, gore, violence, crap dialogue and still more boob. This should be right up my street. Unfortunately, Yuzna had some kind of brain fart when it came to the score, and it’s an agonising thrash metal cacophony that single-handedly ruins every single scene it is used in. It, actually, made me long for the silly Vaudeville style scores Yuzna usually uses. What the fuck was he thinking of? It isn’t extreme, it’s just aggravating.

"I look fucking stupid and I LOOOOVE IT. Now, where are me meds"

Overall, I’m fucked if I know whether or not I recommend it- so I’m not going to either way. On one hand this is the craziest, loopiest, most bizarre mess that I’ve seen in a while, and I did for the most part quite enjoy it. On the other hand that fucking score actively sinks the film. In fact were it not for that hideous excuse for music this would be a prime candidate for Drunken Cinema (watch out for the sex-scene where Frost accidentally drools on Brook- if that was intended, then I’ll be astonished). However, that music is so bad, and Frost is so awful that I have to say that the wisest course of action with this is to pass.

Much like Jaspers should have passed on the deal, and Combs should have passed on the script.

Until next time,

Jarv


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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

38 responses to “Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Faust- Love of the Damned”

  1. Spud McSpud says :

    Wow. THAT’S a fucking review.

    If I see this lying around in a shop, I might give it a go. If only to attempt 100% Screaming Mad George 😀

    • Jarv says :

      It’ll also bring you closer to 100% Yuzna.

      Honestly, by far the worst thing about this film is the hideous soundtrack/ score. Other than that, it is hilarious on occasion. What are your feelings about awful sub-Deicide metal?

    • Spud McSpud says :

      In all honesty, shitty thrash metal doesn’t bother me – I quite like it. In which case, FAUST sounds like a right giggle.

      I do love that shitty costume, though. He looks like some badly-designed sidekick for a rebooted SPAWN movie.

      • Jarv says :

        He dies look like he’s in Spawn’s hand me downs. It’s really disconcerting when the horns and jowels and whatnot sprout out of his face.

        The music is almost beyond awful though Spud.

  2. Continentalop says :

    Holy Shit! I never seen this movie but I read the funny book, My friend owned it and it was whacked out. If they even shot 10% of the shit in that comic this movie is fucked up.

    • Jarv says :

      I think it’s quite accurate. There’s an awful amount of fucked up stuff in it. I need to ask someone that has seen the film and read the funnybook. DocP reckons it’s quite mild in comparison.

      • Continentalop says :

        Well I doubt the movie has a hardcore scene of a werewolf demon fucking a women, or a shot of snake slithering out of a women’s ya-ya.

      • Jarv says :

        No, and no. The snake is pulled out from just below her nipples before poor old Herb West has to fellate it.

        I wasn’t joking about that.

        It does feature a woman fucking a guy before she achieves orgasm by cutting his throat during the act.

        It does also feature a teenager being shagged by a slimy sperm guy as well.

      • Jarv says :

        Oh, and it has Monica in full bondage gear giving Isabel (dressed in Princess Leia’s gold bikini) a paddlin’.

  3. Continentalop says :

    BTW how hasn’t Mrs. Jarv divorced you under mental anguish and torture considering all the crap you submit her to?

    • Jarv says :

      She’s astonishingly tolerant. Because every so often I run into an absolute gem.

      Don’t forget, she’s the fan of plastic American Slasher movies, not me. So it runs both ways.

  4. Jarv says :

    Oh, and I can’t emphasise enough how bad Frost is in this film. He can’t hold an American accent to save his life, has the emotional range of a teapot and is generally wretched.

  5. Spud McSpud says :

    “I think we’ve finally found Don Murphy’s dream woman.”

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!

    I think I snogged her once, back in the lawless 90s…

  6. ThereWolf says :

    That sounds like a hoot. I have to see this. Think I caught sight of it in HMV or somewhere, but the cover was different to what’s up top. Wish I hadn’t been chomping balsamic vinegar Kettle chips when I ran into that melty chick picture – I nearly choked.

    Good stuff, Jarv.

  7. Droid says :

    Sounds awful.

    That pic of Jeffrey Combs looks like it’s from a different movie.

  8. kloipy says :

    I actually reviewed this back in the ‘mavra’ days, I was a bit more harsh on it
    http://www.mymavra.com/apps/blog/show/1593050-kloipy-s-crypt-of-crap-faust-love-of-the-damned-nsfw

    • Jarv says :

      Shit! This is the second I’ve covered that you’ve done.

      But no, it isn’t great.

      • Jarv says :

        This though:

        I wish just once in a movie depicting this kind of ritual, it would show one guy just surveying what’s going on, then getting up and leave

        Me too

      • kloipy says :

        but i like your reviews regardless, who knew you’d be seing Faust, who knew anyone would watch that movie haha! But seriously how terrible is Mark Frost?

      • Jarv says :

        Awful.

        Who in their right mind would cast a British soap opera actor in this?

        Nuts. Everything about it is nuts.

        Completely forgot to be rude about the laziness of not disguising the Barcelona metro.

  9. Frank Marmoset says :

    Speaking as someone who has both read the comic and seen the film, I can say in all honesty… that I don’t remember a damn thing about either the comic or the film.

    • Jarv says :

      Not even melty woman? Lesbian spanking antics? The big orgy?

      Can’t say I blame you, actually.

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        Don’t remember the film even a little bit, and the only vague memory I have of the comic is that there were erect penises in it.

        Strange that I would remember hard cock and nothing else. I wonder what that might mean…

      • Jarv says :

        God knows.

        If you go with Freud and practically everything looks like a penis then the reverse will be true and it is probably that you’re looking for a delicious baloney sandwich for lunch

  10. Lord Bronco says :

    Honestly, i love this review.

    Like Mr. marmoset points out-the comic book was a trainwreck of rubbish.

    I loved it.

    However, it took the stupid bastards something like 4 to 6 years to spew out a mere 12 issues- I gave up after issue seven.

    This being back in the 1990s.

    Holy shit the art was fucking awesome-it had Duotone brushwork, but a demented script that panders to adolescent fanboy dreams and nightmares.

    I will completely ‘fess up that this script inspired me to finally get banned from my college newspaper as a comic strip contributor.

    Oddly enough, they hired me as editor the next year.

    The former editor went on to work at Dark Horse Comics and whatnot-making crap like “The Mask” and “Hellboy”.

    I got interviewed on front cover and stuff, asking “What is the nature of Evil?”

    As an editor, I sucked. I just glared at people said here’s the deadline, and there are no pizza parties.

    I was high alot in those days…

    But I manually laid out all their stupid reproductions using analogue production techniques.

    Never missed a deadline.

    Not once.

    Ever.

    Thanks for posting, Mr. Jarv.

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