Hackery: Jarv Presents the 10 most hateful remakes out there.
Fucking remakes. As I demonstrated last time, it is possible to do them and not make them suck. Unfortunately, nobody bothered to tell half the lazy motherfuckers working in cinema at the moment. As a result there are countless remakes out there that are inept, shit, pointless, hateful, and downright insulting to the viewer. The Orangutan of Doom exists for a reason, and every single one of these films earns one. They all, frankly, blow to such an extent that I actually empathise with everyone’s favourite angry ape as watching them makes me want to poke my own eyes out while giving the finger to the film.
Very Dishonourable Mention: The Last House on the Left (2009) based on The Last House on the Left (1972)
To start with, The Last House on the Left was itself a remake of sorts of Bergman’s Virgin Spring. So, it’s a pointless remake of a remake. Secondly, before I really work up a head of steam on this one, this is one of the most virulently loathsome excuses for gratuitous nastiness that I’ve ever seen. It’s basically 90 minutes of sheer vicious nastiness- there’s an extensive rape scene which nearly defies description in how revolting it is, then lengthy mindless torture and violence. This is a premier example of torture porn- we don’t get to know these, for want of a better word, characters, and as such we couldn’t give less of a fuck as to what happens.
Vile, hideous and utterly pointless, The Last House on the Left is a grotesque and unnecessary paean to human ugliness and can quite frankly fuck off.
10. Psycho (1998) based on Psycho (1960)
What the fuck is the point of this film? Seriously?
I almost cannot be arsed to write this little rant, because it’s an exercise in futility and more redundant than half the council staff once the Tories finish their “austerity measures”. I genuinely would like someone to explain to me what the fuck the point of a shot for shot remake of one of the most famous horror films of all time is, particularly one with a “twist” as well known as this one. And as if that isn’t enough to earn this sack of crap an Orangutan of Doom, they cast Vince Vaughan in the role made famous by Anthony Perkins.
Vince fucking Vaughan for the love of The Flying Spaghetti monster. Fuck you Gus van Sant.
9. The Vanishing (1993) based on Spoorloos (1988)
How on earth do you take your own fucking film and make it shit? More to the point, why on Earth would you do that?
Well, someone should go and ask George Sluizer because he managed it here with no little aplomb. Leaving aside the cretinous and aggravating change to the ending, and the completely miscast Jeff Bridges the whole thing reeks of a man who just didn’t give a fuck.
Well, cunto, if you don’t give a fuck, then I don’t either
8. Father’s Day (1997) based on Les Compères (1983)
Comedies do tend to suffer really badly in the remake stakes (check out The Pink Panther, Bedazzled or The Heartbreak Kid if you don’t believe me), but I’d gladly put this one and everyone involved with it, into a meat grinder.
Billy Crystal and Robin Williams play two, and there’s no sugar-coating this one, arseholes who are manipulated by a very strange woman into searching for her son in the belief that they’re actually his father. What the fuck? Has there ever been a dumber premise for a film, let alone two films?
The thing about this film, is that at no point could it be said to be amusing. Embarrassing? for sure. Funny? Fuck no.
The real hammer-blow, though, is that Ivan Reitman allowed massive, half-wookie arsepiece Robin Williams off the leash here, and he puts in a performance that can only be described as excruciating. A performance, which memorably includes him rapping in fucking German, that confirms him once and for all as a complete and utter cunt.
7. The Stepford Wives (2004) based on The Stepford Wives (1975)
Actually, you can make a good case for remaking the Stepford Wives in that the original is not very good at all. However, as, well, blah as the original is, it looks like a slice of deep-fried gold compared to the piss poor remake. For a start, Droid’s favourite Australian export is completely miscast in the film, the satire/ jokes fall flat as roadkill, and the film completely squanders Christopher Walken, Meryl Streep and Matthew Broderick.
In all honesty, if Nicole Kidman was turned into a robot, would anyone notice?
The Stepford Wives is purely hateful garbage on pretty much every level, and can, quite frankly, fuck off.
6. The Ladykillers (2004) based on The Ladykillers (1995)
I’m not the world’s biggest fan of The Coen Brothers in general. For the most part I feel that I just don’t “get” what they’re doing and I will stand alone in the world for not liking Fargo. However, I do have to say that for the most part they make “good” films- albeit ones that aren’t for me. Furthermore, almost all of their films are either original work or, in the case of No Country, an adaptation of an extremely difficult source material.
Nevertheless, The Ladykillers is a preposterously bad film. The original is one of the classic Ealing Comedies featuring a truly memorable performance from the great Alec Guinness. In the remake, it does make sense to transplant the film to the South, but that in no way excuses casting Tom “fatass” Hanks in the Guinness role. It also features Marlon Wayans on back up duty- in a role that was played by Peter Sellers. Not only is this a bad film, but it’s one that pales in comparison to the original, and one that I genuinely detest.
Laugh? Not once.
5. When a Stranger Calls (2006) based on When a Stranger Calls (1979)
In the future, when humanity is extinct and Martians are looking through artefacts to try to determine what we were like, this malignant bucket of shit (which, by the way, because of its uncanny resemblance to a cockroach will certainly survive the apocalypse) will force them to draw the conclusion that it’s surely a fucking good thing that a species as stupid as ours went extinct.
Taking the urban myth of the serial killer calling a babysitter from inside the house she’s in, this 2006 effort is notable for one feature. Not a damned thing happens. Seriously, nothing, nada, zip, sweet FA. It’s so fucking mind-numbingly dull that actually going to work seems like a preferable option. To make matters worse, Camilla Belle is completely charmless and lacking presence in the lead and as she is front and centre for almost the entire 87 minutes (which pass as quickly and easily as the Hundred Years War) this fatally sinks the film. Watch either Burning Bright or House of the Devil to let Jocelyn Donahue or Briana Evigan show you how this sort of thing should be done.
Whatever you do, though, don’t watch this boring and pointless sack of shite.
4. City of Angels (1998) based on Wings of Desire (1987)
What a shitty fucking film this is. City of Angels features arguably Cage’s worst performance and is also arguably his worst film. Making matters worse, Cage has no chemistry at all with Meg Ryan, and this is death for a romantic tragedy whatnot. At no point in this film are you remotely convinced that he’s an Angel that has voluntarily become human for this woman. You just don’t buy it.
Less fun than watching paint dry, City of Angels is an agonising endurance test- can you take the tedium. Furthermore, not only is it disgracefully boring, it also features an ending that manages to be entirely predictable, and yet savagely cruel but strangely comical.
3. The Omen (2006) based on The Omen (1976)
This is a crap film, to be sure, however, I’ve got a very specific reason for hating it.
The 2006 version of The Omen represents everything that’s wrong with modern Hollywood. The original is a stone cold, nailed-on, bona-fide classic. The remake is a vapid, shiny, pointless exercise in tedium that is a disgrace to celluloid and a complete and utter waste of time for all involved.
However, my real reason for hating it is that the sole reason for this remake to exist is…
Some cunt in marketing noticed that the date 06.06.06 was coming up, and decided that this was close enough to 666 (the number of the beast WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!) to justify a remake of the seminal horror classic.
Honestly, it’s crappy and shallow decision-making such as this that exemplifies everything I hate about the 21st Century. Soulless, profit chasing assholes without a creative bone in their bodies making cynical and loathsome decisions. And what really hurts? They’re invariably right. You truly will never go broke overestimating the stupidity of the lowest common denominator sheeple that make up the population nowadays.
2. Alfie (2004) based on Alfie (1966)
Firstly, Jude Law is not fit to lick Michael Caine’s shoes. Secondly, this is one of the most completely misguided remakes out there. If ever a film was a product of its time, then it’s Alfie.
When transplanted to New York in the 21st Century, what we’re actually left with is a monstrously boring film that follows an aggravating, charmless, semi-impotent misogynist around. What’s more insulting, is that he learns nothing at all by the end of the film (which, actually, is easy to explain: it’s because he’s a cunt). The film is meant to coast through on Law’s charm (which I’m not convinced actually exists), but I spent the entire run time dreaming up ways to creatively damage him, safe in the knowledge that no court in the world would send me to gaol for rerouting the national grid through his balls.
1. Funny Games (2007) based on Funny Games (1997)
This is unquestionably the worst remake ever made. For a start, I don’t like being called a cunt for watching a film by the director of said film.
Teutonic twat Haneke, a pretentious psued of galactic proportions, decided to remake his own art house effort. The point of the original, is that only a complete and utter cunt would watch it, so why precisely are you watching it? Are you a cunt?
To then do a shot for shot remake of it, with the only difference being that it’s in English, strikes me as an exercise in cuntishness and poinlessness. Yes, Haneke, we get the point. The world would indeed be a better place if films were only about ponies and fluffy ickle bunny rabbits and whatnot.
As if this wasn’t cunty enough, he had a spectacular chance to tone down the obnoxious meta-cinema touches of the original. Yet the twat didn’t and left the whole fourth wall breaking rewind garbage in it.
Awful, pointless, boring, and actively insulting, 2007’s Funny Games is the worst remake of all time.
That’s me off the remake list, but I’d like to add a dishonourable mention to:
Diabolique, Halloween, The Ring, The Eye, The Grudge, Godzilla, Planet of the Apes, The Pink Panther, The Heartbreak Kid, The Fog, House of Wax, The Haunting, The House on Haunted Hill, The Birdcage, Assault on Precinct 13, Just Visiting, and so on ad nauseam.
I’m away for a few days, but until next time,