Hackery: Jarv Presents the 10 most hateful remakes out there.

Fucking remakes. As I demonstrated last time, it is possible to do them and not make them suck. Unfortunately, nobody bothered to tell half the lazy motherfuckers working in cinema at the moment. As a result there are countless remakes out there that are inept, shit, pointless, hateful, and downright insulting to the viewer. The Orangutan of Doom exists for a reason, and every single one of these films earns one. They all, frankly, blow to such an extent that I actually empathise with everyone’s favourite angry ape as watching them makes me want to poke my own eyes out while giving the finger to the film.

Very Dishonourable Mention: The Last House on the Left (2009) based on The Last House on the Left (1972)

To start with, The Last House on the Left was itself a remake of sorts of Bergman’s Virgin Spring. So, it’s a pointless remake of a remake. Secondly, before I really work up a head of steam on this one, this is one of the most virulently loathsome excuses for gratuitous nastiness that I’ve ever seen. It’s basically 90 minutes of sheer vicious nastiness- there’s an extensive rape scene which nearly defies description in how revolting it is, then lengthy mindless torture and violence. This is a premier example of torture porn- we don’t get to know these, for want of a better word, characters, and as such we couldn’t give less of a fuck as to what happens.

Vile, hideous and utterly pointless, The Last House on the Left is a grotesque and unnecessary paean to human ugliness and can quite frankly fuck off.

10. Psycho (1998) based on Psycho (1960)

What the fuck is the point of this film? Seriously?

 I almost cannot be arsed to write this little rant, because it’s an exercise in futility and more redundant than half the council staff once the Tories finish their “austerity measures”. I genuinely would like someone to explain to me what the fuck the point of a shot for shot remake of one of the most famous horror films of all time is, particularly one with a “twist” as well known as this one. And as if that isn’t enough to earn this sack of crap an Orangutan of Doom, they cast Vince Vaughan in the role made famous by Anthony Perkins.

Vince fucking Vaughan for the love of The Flying Spaghetti monster. Fuck you Gus van Sant.

9. The Vanishing (1993) based on Spoorloos (1988)

How on earth do you take your own fucking film and make it shit? More to the point, why on Earth would you do that?

Well, someone should go and ask George Sluizer because he managed it here with no little aplomb. Leaving aside the cretinous and aggravating change to the ending, and the completely miscast Jeff Bridges the whole thing reeks of a man who just didn’t give a fuck.

Well, cunto, if you don’t give a fuck, then I don’t either

8. Father’s Day (1997) based on Les Compères (1983)

Comedies do tend to suffer really badly in the remake stakes (check out The Pink Panther, Bedazzled or The Heartbreak Kid if you don’t believe me), but I’d gladly put this one and everyone involved with it, into a meat grinder.

Billy Crystal and Robin Williams play two, and there’s no sugar-coating this one, arseholes who are manipulated by a very strange woman into searching for her son in the belief that they’re actually his father. What the fuck? Has there ever been a dumber premise for a film, let alone two films?

The thing about this film, is that at no point could it be said to be amusing. Embarrassing? for sure. Funny? Fuck no.

The real hammer-blow, though, is that Ivan Reitman allowed massive, half-wookie arsepiece Robin Williams off the leash here, and he puts in a performance that can only be described as excruciating. A performance, which memorably includes him rapping in fucking German, that confirms him once and for all as a complete and utter cunt.

7. The Stepford Wives (2004) based on The Stepford Wives (1975)

Actually, you can make a good case for remaking the Stepford Wives in that the original is not very good at all. However, as, well, blah as the original is, it looks like a slice of deep-fried gold compared to the piss poor remake. For a start, Droid’s favourite Australian export is completely miscast in the film, the satire/ jokes fall flat as roadkill, and the film completely squanders Christopher Walken, Meryl Streep and Matthew Broderick.

In all honesty, if Nicole Kidman was turned into a robot, would anyone notice?

The Stepford Wives is purely hateful garbage on pretty much every level, and can, quite frankly, fuck off.

6. The Ladykillers (2004) based on The Ladykillers (1995)

I’m not the world’s biggest fan of The Coen Brothers in general. For the most part I feel that I just don’t “get” what they’re doing and I will stand alone in the world for not liking Fargo. However, I do have to say that for the most part they make “good” films- albeit ones that aren’t for me. Furthermore, almost all of their films are either original work or, in the case of No Country, an adaptation of an extremely difficult source material.

Nevertheless, The Ladykillers is a preposterously bad film. The original is one of the classic Ealing Comedies featuring a truly memorable performance from the great Alec Guinness. In the remake, it does make sense to transplant the film to the South, but that in no way excuses casting Tom “fatass” Hanks in the Guinness role. It also features Marlon Wayans on back up duty- in a role that was played by Peter Sellers. Not only is this a bad film, but it’s one that pales in comparison to the original, and one that I genuinely detest.

Laugh? Not once.

5. When a Stranger Calls (2006) based on When a Stranger Calls (1979)

In the future, when humanity is extinct and Martians are looking through artefacts to try to determine what we were like, this malignant bucket of shit (which, by the way, because of its uncanny resemblance to a cockroach will certainly survive the apocalypse) will force them to draw the conclusion that it’s surely a fucking good thing that a species as stupid as ours went extinct.

Taking the urban myth of the serial killer calling a babysitter from inside the house she’s in, this 2006 effort is notable for one feature. Not a damned thing happens. Seriously, nothing, nada, zip, sweet FA. It’s so fucking mind-numbingly dull that actually going to work seems like a preferable option. To make matters worse, Camilla Belle is completely charmless and lacking presence in the lead and as she is front and centre for almost the entire 87 minutes (which pass as quickly and easily as the Hundred Years War) this fatally sinks the film. Watch either Burning Bright or House of the Devil to let Jocelyn Donahue or Briana Evigan show you how this sort of thing should be done.

Whatever you do, though, don’t watch this boring and pointless sack of shite.

4. City of Angels (1998) based on Wings of Desire (1987)

What a shitty fucking film this is. City of Angels features arguably Cage’s worst performance and is also arguably his worst film. Making matters worse, Cage has no chemistry at all with Meg Ryan, and this is death for a romantic tragedy whatnot. At no point in this film are you remotely convinced that he’s an Angel that has voluntarily become human for this woman. You just don’t buy it.

Less fun than watching paint dry, City of Angels is an agonising endurance test- can you take the tedium. Furthermore, not only is it disgracefully boring, it also features an ending that manages to be entirely predictable, and yet savagely cruel but strangely comical.

3. The Omen (2006) based on The Omen (1976)

This is a crap film, to be sure, however, I’ve got a very specific reason for hating it.

The 2006 version of The Omen represents everything that’s wrong with modern Hollywood. The original is a stone cold, nailed-on, bona-fide classic. The remake is a vapid, shiny, pointless exercise in tedium that is a disgrace to celluloid and a complete and utter waste of time for all involved.

However, my real reason for hating it is that the sole reason for this remake to exist is…

Some cunt in marketing noticed that the date 06.06.06 was coming up, and decided that this was close enough to 666 (the number of the beast WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!) to justify a remake of the seminal horror classic.

Honestly, it’s crappy and shallow decision-making such as this that exemplifies everything I hate about the 21st Century. Soulless, profit chasing assholes without a creative bone in their bodies making cynical and loathsome decisions. And what really hurts? They’re invariably right. You truly will never go broke overestimating the stupidity of the lowest common denominator sheeple that make up the population nowadays.

2. Alfie (2004) based on Alfie (1966)

Firstly, Jude Law is not fit to lick Michael Caine’s shoes. Secondly, this is one of the most completely misguided remakes out there. If ever a film was a product of its time, then it’s Alfie.

When transplanted to New York in the 21st Century, what we’re actually left with is a monstrously boring film that follows an aggravating, charmless, semi-impotent misogynist around. What’s more insulting, is that he learns nothing at all by the end of the film (which, actually, is easy to explain: it’s because he’s a cunt). The film is meant to coast through on Law’s charm (which I’m not convinced actually exists), but I spent the entire run time dreaming up ways to creatively damage him, safe in the knowledge that no court in the world would send me to gaol for rerouting the national grid through his balls.

1. Funny Games (2007) based on Funny Games (1997)

This is unquestionably the worst remake ever made. For a start, I don’t like being called a cunt for watching a film by the director of said film.

Teutonic twat Haneke, a pretentious psued of galactic proportions, decided to remake his own art house effort. The point of the original, is that only a complete and utter cunt would watch it, so why precisely are you watching it? Are you a cunt?

To then do a shot for shot remake of it, with the only difference being that it’s in English, strikes me as an exercise in cuntishness and poinlessness. Yes, Haneke, we get the point. The world would indeed be a better place if films were only about ponies and fluffy ickle bunny rabbits and whatnot.

As if this wasn’t cunty enough, he had a spectacular chance to tone down the obnoxious meta-cinema touches of the original. Yet the twat didn’t and left the whole fourth wall breaking rewind garbage in it.

Awful, pointless, boring, and actively insulting, 2007’s Funny Games is the worst remake of all time.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

That’s me off the remake list, but I’d like to add a dishonourable mention to:

Diabolique, Halloween, The Ring, The Eye, The Grudge, Godzilla, Planet of the Apes, The Pink Panther, The Heartbreak Kid, The Fog, House of Wax, The Haunting, The House on Haunted Hill, The Birdcage, Assault on Precinct 13, Just Visiting, and so on ad nauseam.

I’m away for a few days, but until next time,

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

38 responses to “Hackery: Jarv Presents the 10 most hateful remakes out there.”

  1. MORBIUS says :

    I present to the jury Exhibit A

    ARTHUR (2011) based on ARTHUR (1981)

  2. Col. Tigh-Fighter says :

    And exhibit B, your Honour

    DAY OF THE DEAD (2008) based on DAY OF THE DEAD (1985)

    I dont usually get cross, but they should be burnt with fire for that travesty. Horny zombies, I tell ya!?!?

  3. D.Vader says :

    No mention of The Nightmare on Elm Street remake? Surely that’s worse than Haneke remaking his own movie in English, or the Last House on the Left which actually looked pretty good (never saw it though). I do like Garret Dillahunt a lot.

    • Jarv says :

      Funny Games tops the list for being completely pointless (like Psycho) yet actively insulting and massively hypocritical. I can’t actually think of another film like it.

      And I haven’t seen noes.

    • Spud McSpud says :

      GAAAAHH!!! Vader, why’d you have to remind me of THAT?? Fuck all subtlety whatsoever – whenever it goes into a dream state, everything turns into a Nirvana video, so there’s no ambiguity AT ALL! CGI BLOOD, BAYER, YOU FUCKING CUNT!! And Jackie Earle Haley, proving AGAIN that if anybody knew what the fuck to do with such a great actor once they’ve got him, he’d be the greatest character actor since Philip Seymour Hoffman. Instead, like Robert Englund before him, he’s stuck playing creepy weirdos for the rest of his career. Oh, the humanity.

      I fucking HATED the new ELM ST. Though Rooney Mara is very good in it. But there’s fuck-all excuses for not getting Katie Cassidy to at least unleash the sweater puppies. If it’s good enough for Katharine Isabelle in FREDDY VS JASON, then it fucking well should be for Katie. Goddammit.

      • MORBIUS says :

        Sorry Spud

        The skinny is that Katharine had a body double
        for the shower scene.

        Nice rack though, whoever it was.
        Ditto for Odessa Munroe.

      • Spud McSpud says :

        Morbius – No WAY!! THAT was a body double??!?

        Several demerits for Miss Isabelle for not unleashing the sweater puppies for real. Shame on you, Ginger Snaps. Shame. On. You.

      • D.Vader says :

        What a piece of shit that NOES remake was. Reasons include A) what you mentioned above, the lack of subtlety when someone dreams. There’s absolutely no questions about when someone falls asleep.
        B) its a completely sexless affair. No one has sex, no one tries to has sex, no one even TALKS about sex, no one gets nude at all despite NUMEROUS opportunities to spice things up
        C) a severe lack of tension during the “scary” scenes
        D) lack of blood and gore
        E) characters with *zero* characterization
        F) Rooney Mara escapes from the hospital while her mom isn’t looking and spends the rest of the movie trying to find their old preschool. And yet the mom never once calls the girl’s cell phone, not even after all her friends have died.
        G) The weird, dark, artsy girl is friends with the hot blonde cheerleader?

        Useless on almost every level. At least Hayley was good and fun to watch.

  4. Continentalop says :

    BLACK FUCKING CHRISTMAS!

    ‘Nuff said.

  5. Droid says :

    I’d have put Heartbreak Kid in the top 10 somewhere. I really hated the Stiller version. Also Death Race. And Dark Water, Disturbia, The Getaway, Godzilla, The Haunting etc etc are all loatheworthy.

    I couldn’t make it through Alfie. Binned it halfway.

    • Xiphos0311 says :

      death race was good so you’re wrong. It’s good becasue they used actual car stunts an nearly zero CGI.

      • Droid says :

        Nope, DR was an embarrassing piece of shit. But if “actual car stunts” allows you to give it a pass then it’s all yours. No skin of my nose.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        It’s not then why the response?

      • Droid says :

        It’s not what? “Good ” because it doesn’t use CGI? Correct!

      • Continentalop says :

        Deathproof used actual cars. So is that good?

      • Spud McSpud says :

        I’ve gotta back Xi on this purely because there was some sensational actual proper non-CGI stuntwork going on in that movie. It’s not fit to lick the boots of the original (which is the most savage satire I’ve ever seen) but in its own bone-headed way it’s watchable. But the stunts… they flipped a semi truck FOR REAL. Other than TERMINATOR 3 (flipping a crane truck) and THE DARK KNIGHT (flipping a big rig), I don’t remember ever seeing such a sensational truck stunt. I can’t begin to defend the banality of the storytelling, but DEATH RACE has some of the best car stuntwork seen in a low-budget movie for the last few years…

      • Spud McSpud says :

        Conti – No, DEATHPROOF if not good. The car stunts were, though, which is my point earlier – stunts can still be awesome even in a shitty mediocre movie.

        And Vanessa Ferlito is so fuckable in that movie…

  6. Spud McSpud says :

    Is it utterly wrong that I actually enjoyed THE LADYKILLERS??

    In fairness, I haven’t seen the original. And Hanks is pretty funny in it.

    As for CITY OF ANGELS – well, you have to laugh at what happens to Meg’s character at the end. I did. A LOT.

    And yes, even Satan Himself couldn’t make a more soulless movie than either the new OMEN or ALFIE. Both absolutely excellent examples of artistic redundancy.

    Good list, Jarv. Though your biggest achievement is not making it TOP 100 WORST REMAKES OF ALL TIME. And I’m amazed THE FOG didn’t make it in. Worst remake EVER…

    • DocPazuzu says :

      And yes, Spud, The Fauxg is fucking heinous. Everything wrong with big studio-produced horror today can be found in that film. It’s corpse smegma on toast.

      Yep… I have that one as well.

    • Xiphos0311 says :

      I didn’t hate The Lady Killers. It was somewhat amusing forgettable dribble. I never saw the original.

      • Jarv says :

        The Fog is fucking hideous. It was a toss up between it and The Omen to go in.

        However, I went for the Omen so I could have that little rant about marketing.

  7. DocPazuzu says :

    Great list, Jarv. Most of those films are utterly despicable. Sadly, I own a great deal of them on DVD.

    I second Droid’s mention of The Haunting. That particular remake is reserved for a very special hatred on my part. Besides simply being a ghastly film in and of itself, I think it has something to do with all the A-list talent and money involved in it. I still remember a facetious behind-the-scenes show where Lily Taylor, completely straight-faced, compared The Haunting remake to Jaws, The Exorcist and The Shining. Seriously — fuck that movie with a barbed, 17-inch prehensile dick.

    And yes, I have that one on DVD too.

    • Continentalop says :

      Jesus Doc, it sounds like you have the shittiest DVD collection in history.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        You’re not entirely wrong, ContOp. Baked in there among the numerous gems is quite possibly one of the world’s worst DVD collections.

      • Continentalop says :

        You own a copy of Jaws: the Revenge, don’t you?

      • DocPazuzu says :

        Hell yeah. Being a completist nerd, I have to have all movies in a series even if only one is good. It’s a terrible affliction.

      • Continentalop says :

        The first step Doc is admitting you have a problem. You’ve just taken a big step and are on the right path…

      • DocPazuzu says :

        I want to come with you to Alderaan and learn the ways of the Force.

      • Spud McSpud says :

        You don’t NEED to own every movie in a franchise. These aren’t the sequels you’re looking for. You can go about your business. Move along…

  8. koutchboom says :

    You know since this is about hateful remakes, this is probably better suited here:

  9. ThereWolf says :

    Brilliant. I have seen only one (The Vanishing) of these bastards. Therefore I am largely untainted.

    I despised ‘The Haunting’, did not like ‘The Fog’ one little bit & I flat out fucking hated ‘House Of Wax’.

    The thought of ‘The Thing’ prequake is now making my blood start to simmer…

    • Jarv says :

      All shite films, to be sure. However Paris Hilton dies in House of Wax.

      That’s the only redeeming feature to all 3 of them.

      And I don’t even want to think about The Thing Prequake

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