Smut! Jarv sniggers at 10 of the worst sex scenes ever filmed

So, sex on film, eh? I’m sure the pillars of civilisation are due to crumble over this subject. Honestly, mankind has raped, murdered and generally been sex-addled since the dawn of time, but cinema comes along at the arse end of the last millenium and two consenting adults feigning coitus on screen is certain to send us all back to the dark ages. Having said that, not all sex scenes are actually titillating, erotic, or even meaningful. Many of them, actually, are embarrassing, unintentionally funny or just plain inept. These are 10 absolute howlers- scenes that are humiliating for the cast, crew, director and viewer, and all of them deserve recognition for being truly awful.

Because we’re fucking family friendly, and I’ve done this at work, there’s no boob, and I’ve been forced to just use the covers of the films. But in most cases, you’re not missing anything. So with no further ado, let us begin the countdown of 10 of the most painfully inept, shameful and downright incompetent sex-scenes ever filmed:

10. Love, Sex and Death in Matador

Only a completely deluded fool would attempt to watch every single Pedro Almodovar film. The early ones, particularly this and Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down are exercises in pointlessness, boredom, and painful embarrassment for (usually) Antonia Banderas. In Matador, which is allegedly an erotic thriller with elements of black comedy- except it’s neither erotic, thrilling or funny, the climactic scene involving pervy Bullfighting maestro Nacho Martínez and weird stalker lawyer Assumpta Serna is an astonishingly explicit fuck fest. Or it would be if you weren’t so bored that your brain was actually melting by this stage and the characters weren’t talking utter bollocks to each other. Not filthy talk or anything, existential meaning-of-death wankery. The shagging culminates in a murder/ suicide and the whole embarrassing farrago is topped off by the two police officers who find the joined couple commenting some utter bollocks about the purity of their love. I think this is meant to be a joke, but it falls completely flat and is just utterly awful. A truly hideous scene in a truly hideous film.

9. Montage of teenage fumblings in American Pie

American Pie. American fucking Pie.

This isn’t actually that bad a film, it is funny in parts, but there is no way that it warrants 950 million sequels and imitators. It’s basically a shit version of Porky’s without the anti-semitic subtext. Nevertheless, there are lots of laughs to be had from it- with one exception. At the final party, there’s an intercut sex-scene of the 4 teenage douchebags getting some. It cuts between Kev and Tara Reid’s tender moments, Charlie Nash going full NASH OUT with Mekon-like Mena Suvari, and Jason Biggs getting slapped around by Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer while she says things like “Who’s my bitch”. This is, apparently, meant to be funny. Except some bonehead forgot to actually make it funny. Furthermore, in a film that’s basically about sex it’s a fucking cardinal sin that we don’t get to see any goods at all. Aside from Suvari, actually. She can keep the top on.

8. Stallone gets Stone-d in the Shower in The Specialist.

Another crap film this one. Why are there so many bad sex scenes in bad films? And not funny ones either. Some sex scenes are completely necessary to the plot, but, on the other hand, there are some that are so totally gratuitous that I find it hard to believe any actress when they justify getting their tits out on Screen. Sharon Stone is a serial top-dropper/ beaver-flasher and has usually attempted to justify it with “blah, integral to the character, blah” rubbish, but not even she could bullshit her way out of this one. Not only is the sex scene completely un-erotic (it’s practically boner-killing) but it’s just so completely unnecessary. Kudos for Stone throwing herself whole heartedly into it, but does anyone actually want to see a naked Sly (apart from Koutch, clearly)? Yuck. Completely unnecessary, and mildly squirm inducing, the shower scene in The Specialist is a truly worthy addition to this list.

7. Linda Fiorentino the hooker in Jade

This list is going to look like I’m picking on Esterhazs. There’s a reason for this, and that’s that the lazy hack basically churned out a load of potboiler’s that depend on gratuitous nookie and an obvious twist in the 80’s and 90’s. Basic Instinct- for example, or Jagged Edge, or and this is the best, Jade. William Friedkin in a more deluded period of his career directed the dirty-mac wearing scribe’s laughable murder mystery but what really sticks in the mind is the utterly unnecessary sex scene with Fiorentino+ random dude half way through. To begin with, you see no skin at all. Secondly, it looks like a music video. Thirdly, it adds NOTHING to the film at all and Fourthly, it’s actually really boring. How do you manage to make a sex scene with Linda Fiorentino boring? That takes a special talent.

6. Julian Sands blows early in Boxing Helena

In hindsight, Kim Basinger got off lightly. Boxing Helena was a woeful film that was deservedly given a critical panning and then treated with little more than disdain by the public. Leaving aside the pervy subject matter and the distasteful themes of the film, oh, and did I mention that it was all a dream? No, shit, sorry. Anyhow, this little rant is about awful sex scenes- and this is one of the worst. Julian Sands has Sherilyn Fenn with no legs locked in his room, while he’s getting it on with his Fiancée in the lobby. Unfortunately for him, he keeps fantasising that it’s the amputee slobbering on his nob. Which leads to a hideous premature ejaculation and he rolls around on the floor making strange moaning noises while she looks on with mild disgust, and the Fiancée adds this to the myriad reasons for him being a failure. At the time, I was totally with Sherilyn when she rips strips off him later for his dismal “performance”. Pathetic, Julian- you’ve let yourself down here.

5. Not Alone in the Dark

Has there ever been someone so alien to talent behind the camera as Uwe Boll. It was a toss up which of his efforts was going to get the nod, because Lokken clinging on to the cell bars in Bloodrayne is skin-crawlingly embarrassing, but in the end I went for this one. Tara Reid, hilariously, clearly forgetting that she’d already sacrificed all dignity by agreeing to appear in a Uwe Boll film, refused to take her top off for this, but it didn’t matter. Simply because that useless purple headed custard chucker Boll has absolutely no-idea where to place a camera, and where he’s put it, the view of the bed is obscured by a load of crap in the way. She could have written “Fuck America” on her tits, and not one person in the world would have seen it. Incompetent and annoying.

4. Crass and Obnoxious: Shoot ‘Em Up

Crap film this. It basically just tries far too hard to be cool, but is actually a migraine inducing loaf of epic proportions. It’s also a gigantic stool of a film that wastes an awesome cast. Including Monica Belucci as a hooker. For no reason whatsoever, her and Clive Owen start fucking, and next thing you know a veritable army of cannon fodder burst through the door. Before you can say “moron” Clive’s killing them all, but he’s such a gigantic studmuffin that he never misses a stroke. Not only is this the very definition of offensively dumb, it’s also the very definition of gratuitous, and Belucci doesn’t even unleash the sweater puppies. Which is, on form, something she isn’t exactly shy of doing. Crap.

3. Playing with fire will get you burnt in Body of Evidence

Madonna again attempting to trick the world into believing that she can actually act. In this round, Madonna attempted to rip Basic Instinct off wholesale and in some dreadful courtroom-drama cum soft-porn borefest she shags Willem Defoe senseless. Except, apparently, normal sex isn’t enough so the dirty, dirty girl (and not in a good way) burns the poor fucker with candle wax. This is not kinky, not erotic, not clever. Not to mention that Madonna herself is as attractive as a 90 year old crack whore and in a just world wouldn’t be afforded the platform to inflict shit like this on us. I suppose this scene is meant to be taboo-breaking, what with it being extremely vanilla S&M, but what it actually is is painful. And a bit shameful for the viewer. Madonna, on the other hand, has no shame.

2. FLAME SPURTS!!!! Who’s watching the Watchmen?

As far as I understand it, Watchmen, or “Turdmen” as it shall be dubbed for the rest of this rant, is a really important post-modern deconstruction type thingy. It does, also, feature a fat guy with the power of impotence, who can only get it up when he’s wearing his costume. This is, apparently, clever. Honest. As smug, twattish and shit as this idea is, in the hands of Zack “talentless fuck” Snyder it becomes absolutely agonising. Let me count the ways that the sex-scene in Turdmen sucks: the music is “Hallelujah” possibly the least subtle and most hackneyed choice for a sex scene, the scene itself is explicit for the sake of being explicit, and the climax of it is the symbolic flame spurt out the back of the owl-copter thingummy. In the funnybook, the flame spurt was completely necessary as the artist can’t actually show the money shot. In the film, it’s just because Snyder was so fucking inept that he felt an overpowering need to vomit every single panel of the overrated shit onto the screen. Watchmen is a staggeringly awful film, and this one moment encapsulates precisely why. Hideous.

1. Throwing an epileptic fit in Showgirls

This is abso-fucking-lutely hilarious. I’m nigh on certain that it isn’t meant to be, but mother of God, it’s funny. Elizabeth Berkley committed career suicide with this film, and it is still staggering that Hollywood trusted Verhoeven (the man who made the worst dance scene in history in Basic Instinct) with a film all about, er, Dancing. And nudity. But mostly Dancing. The scene in question has gone down in history, and deservedly so. Berkley and Kyle McLachlan are fucking away in the pool before she leans back, he struggles to hold on, and thrashes herself alarmingly to one of the most spectacularly unconvincing faked climaxes ever filmed. It’s about as erotic as one of those nature videos where a killer whale flops onto the beach and eats a seal. Nevertheless, it is downright hilarious, and for this reason, I name it as the worst sex scene of all time.

That was fun. I’ll come back with another rant-type list when I think of one,

Until next time,

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

25 responses to “Smut! Jarv sniggers at 10 of the worst sex scenes ever filmed”

  1. Droid says :

    The shark attack scene in Showgirls always gets me. Fuck that is a funny movie. I actually reckon it could be a Drunken Cinema candidate!

    One you’ve missed is that Bruce Willis movie where he’s a colourblind therapist and the “boy” in therapy is (unbeknownst to him, but knownst to everyone with functioning eyeballs) the very same horny fuck machine who he’s slipping the salami.

    • Jarv says :

      Colour of Night.

      I was actually going to put that one in, but I went to get a picture and it was all breasts and nekkidness. It was that actually that made me go for the safe option.

      • Droid says :

        That’s the one. Hilariously awful movie.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s actually surprisingly dull for the most part. It’s only Bruce’s complete stupidity that he doesn’t realise that he’s shagging his patient that keeps the interest. Seriously, you watch it and go “He must know, surely”.

      • Droid says :

        Admittedly I haven’t seen it since the mid-90’s. I just remember there was a woeful attempt at a kind Hitchcock/De Palma style mystery, the girl is either naked or made up to look like the least convincing male in transvestite history, Willis gets his knob out and Dr Sam Beckett is in it.

      • Jarv says :

        They’re so so obviously the same person. It’s embarrassing for all concerned.

  2. Droid says :

    Surely there’s loads from the 80’s. After 9 1/2 Weeks (which I haven’t seen actually) and all that.

  3. Continentalop says :

    Surprised Thundercrack! didn’t crack this list, or are you ignoring scenes where people have actual sex and just doing feigned sex?

  4. just pillow talk says :

    #10 – Ugh! Oh, the pain!
    #9 – Yup, they didn’t know what to do once they actually got to the sex part
    #8 – never seen all of it, including the sex scene
    #5-7 – never saw, ya-hoo!
    #4 – hated the movie, stupid, stupid sex scene…biggest crime like you say, no ta-ta’s from Monica? WTF.
    #3 – never saw
    #2 – blah movie, can’t really remember one thing about it, including the sex scene. Good job Snyder.
    #1 – the joke continues to be on us

  5. DocPazuzu says :

    I saw Linda Fiorentino once, back in late 1998. She was on her way down on an escalator at the Barnes & Noble I used to work at the Lincoln Triangle in NYC and I was on the way up.

    I’d like to think we shared a moment.

    Yeah, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

  6. DocPazuzu says :

    Oh and nice to see Shoot ‘Em Up on that list. That movie really doesn’t get enough hate.

  7. Xiphos0311 says :

    Wasn’t Owlman being impotent unless suited up in the Watchmen funny book? Anyways it’s still a bad movie.

    I’ve only seen like 3 of these movies so I have nothing to add except I enjoy the First American Pie movie.

    • Jarv says :

      Yeah, it was- there’s only one deviation from the funnybook and that is the lack of squid.

      I quite like American Pie, but that end is inept- and not funny either.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Yeah the first AP was a solid movie, I’ll always stop and watch it if I come across it on TV. however the sequels all sucked as bad as a sequel could suck.

        The only part of that intercut sex scene at teh end that was any good was Willow and the Pie fucker. When she turns from super nerd into a sex manic was a funny turnabout.

  8. LBronco says :

    Alright, you sir, have officially gotten my goat with this little tidbit.

    I literally hate every single frame of “Shoot ‘Em Up”

    It’s fucking cack-the whole goddamned thing.

    How can you fuck up M. Belluccci?!?

    That’s how-Bang!

    Turdmen-fine whatever-but shoot ’em Up is just embarrassing-I fucking detest that cack movie.

    Fuck, I hate it, and now I’m out of beer.

    So you got me twice.

    Bastard.

  9. Tom_Bando says :

    I actually OWNED a copy of Jade for a spell. Terrible movie. Has that 4 mph Lamborghini(?-too lazy to look it up) ‘chase’ thru the alley there. Poo poo moviemaking at it’s worst.

    Turdmen. Yes Jarv hath named it a-rightly. I thought Horschack there was okay, but the rest just was embarrassing.

    Boxing Helena was another embarrassment factory. No wanna remember that I watched it. Ack.

  10. ThereWolf says :

    Bloodrayne. Timebomb. Daredevil (panning away to a roaring fire… fuck off). God, there’s hundreds of ’em.

    Nothing about ‘Watchmen’ irritates me at all. Quite happy with it. I’ve seen much, much worse.

    I watched ‘Speed Racer’ for the first time the other night. They say you always remember your first time.

    Not always.

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