Video Game Adaptations: Resident Evil Afterlife
That’s it. I’ve done it. I am the sole moron on the planet that has seen every single one of PWS Anderson’s films. This does beg the question: why would I do this to myself? Well, the answer is simple, as simple as Paul himself. It’s because the bastard invariably makes terrible films based on material that I like. It’s got to the stage with the cocksucker that I’m actually developing a minor persecution complex in that it genuinely feels like he’s deliberately finding subjects that I care about and then ruining them intentionally. Why is he doing this to me? Why can’t he bugger off and just make Sex and the City sequels or Jane Austen adaptations or other such trash that I could just happily ignore? All of which boring and self-pitying preamble brings me around to his most recent cinematic atrocity: Resident Evil 4.
Blah Blah fucking blah.
This series blows. It’s four films long and counting and the very best of them, Extinction, manages to climb the dizzying heights of mediocre. The other 2 films haven’t even managed to muster a pathetic half a chang between them. Resident Evil: Afterlife is an astonishingly bad film, it’s so bad that I’m suffering from a massive attack of ennui, and am employing every single piece of procrastination that I can to avoid actually writing about the film itself. I suppose at some point I will manage to make this extended stream-of-consciousness ramble into a review, but at the moment, well, I don’t really feel like it. Has anyone else noticed how unseasonably pleasant the weather has been recently?
Oh, alright then, here comes the review…
In a minute…
Fuck. Here we go.
Resident Evil Afterlife opens straight after the end of Extinction. Alice (Milla Jovovich) leads an army of Millas on a raid on Umbrella’s headquarters in Tokyo (don’t ask how she managed to transport an army across the Pacific ocean, honestly, don’t ask- the film is full of shit like this and it doesn’t bear thinking about). This is basically an exercise in loose-end tying up. All the Millas die, and Wesker uses a magic syringe to depower the last Milla. She’s now got no superpowers whatsoever- got that? It’s important to later in the film. Just to be absolutely clear: Alice, played by Milla Jovovich now has NO SUPERPOWERS WHATSOEVER
Anyhoo, despite having absolutely no superpowers whatsoever she then survives a flaming plane crash. Without a fucking scratch on her. To be honest, at this stage, I was starting to already doubt that she had, actually, lost her superpowers. Next time we see her she’s flying a plane looking for Arcadia- some promised safe haven from the zombie Apocalypse. Now, I know what you’re thinking- where, in the post-apocalyptic wasteland did Alice find a working plane and enough fuel to get it all the way to Alaska? Well, again, best not to think about it. She bumps into Claire Redfield (Ali Larter) who in an act of utter useless hackery, has amnesia. Which is convenient to the point of laziness, as I honestly cannot think of another film in the Resident Evil series that relies so heavily on memory loss as part of the storyline. How fucking slapdash and inept is the writing in this film by the way? and more importantly, what sort of useless fucking hack recycles the useless fucking hack plot device from his own fucking series? PS- and this is important, remember that Alice has absolutely NO SUPERPOWERS WHATSOEVER.
Right, next up, Alice and Claire are flying to LA. They bump into a group of survivors holed up in a prison including Kim Coates as sleazy producer cliché asshole Bennett, Boris Kodjoe as Luthor, and more importantly, Wentworth Miller as Chris Redfield. Who, incidentally, despite being locked in one of Hannibal Lector’s hand me down cells, knows of a fool-proof way to escape from the hungry zombie horde. Obviously, this is the man with the plan, and if I was going to try to survive a zombie apocalypse, then I do have to say that I would absolutely be keeping the only person that knows how to escape IN A FUCKING CELL.
Christ, this film is so fucking cretinous and lame that I’m struggling to finish this shite. I almost cannot be arsed with it.
Eventually, it turns out that Chris’ plan was utter dogshit. Quelle fucking surprise. I bet you’re stunned to hear that. Plan B, which a paste eating retard could come up with, is to use the tunnels that the zombies dug to get into the prison to escape. This will lead to a storm drain that will then lead to the sea. Which means they can get to the tanker moored conveniently close to the coast.
Right. Unfortunately, the tanker, Arcadia, is not a haven for survivors, rather it’s a secret Umbrella scientist boat. Oh, and Wesker’s back. Cue big showdown, Wesker beats seven barrels of shit out of the Redfields without breaking sweat, but then is despatched with astonishing ease by Alice. Then he gets blown up. Film ends with the ominous sight of an attack helicopter descending on the newly liberated boat.
This film is fundamentally fucking terrible. It’s appallingly written dismal toss. There’s no thought to reason, logic or (heaven forbid) continuity, and this is entirely the fault of writer/ director Paul W.S. Anderson. For example, despite having, and I quote, no super powers whatsoever, Milla can still hop around like Yoda on crack, and basically there’s no logical reason at all for it. Wesker moves like a fucking agent in The Matrix, and yet will helpfully stand still long enough to allow Milla to stab him in the head. For some reason, best known to himself, Anderson really clearly likes the vampire effects in Blade 2 and Trinity, so the fucking zombies lower jaw splits open in the exact reaper style. Oh, and the dogs do that as well.
Furthermore, Resident Evil Afterlife was filmed for 3D. Anderson, being Anderson, is about as subtle as a fat bastard at a free buffet, so for him 3D exists to annoyingly poke shit at the screen. As if that isn’t irritating and distracting enough, the cunt also periodically slows down or speeds up the action so that we can get a full 2D TV eyeful of a piss poor 3D effect. I have to agree with everyone’s favourite bucket of bolts here, but really, 3D, has there ever been a more useless invention? Seriously, even the long forgotten and completely unlamented Femidom was more useful than this sack of crap. It’s basically a crutch and a band-aid for talentless tools to disguise the fact that they’re actually filming something with the critical, artistic, and entertainment value of a tin of shit. That’s what this film is- a tin of fucking shit.
I absolutely hate this film, and despise this series. If I’d seen it last year, then I’d have walked out of the cinema. It’s obnoxious, slapdash, and basically offensively stupid on every level- and it is clear to me that I can now comfortably say that as bad as 2033 was, Resident Evil Afterlife was the worst film released in 2010. It’s very rare that I watch a film with absolutely no redeeming features whatsoever, but this one is it, and as a result I can’t stress strongly enough- don’t watch it. You’ll actually be a bit more stupid having witnessed the full thing. Nevertheless, as crass and downright cuntish as Resident Evil Afterlife is, and it’s shockingly awful, it isn’t the worst film in the Resident Evil series. No, that honour still goes to Apocalypse, which is every bit as insulting and obnoxious as this, but also manages that sequence that gives you hope before cruelly dashing it.
If it came to a choice between whether or not to watch Resident Evil Apocalypse, Afterlife or watching the epic dullness of Watchmen: The super-dooper fully extended edition, then I have to say that it looks like I’ve got a 3 hour appointment with massive tedium ahead of me.
Unspeakably shit, unbearably awful, Resident Evil Afterlife is a blemish on the history of cinema and fully warrants this:
Yup, I’ve bought the Orangutan of Doom out of retirement. Just for this film. Fuck you Anderwank, and fuck everyone involved in this abomination of a series.
Until next time,