Video Game Adaptations: Resident Evil Afterlife

That’s it. I’ve done it. I am the sole moron on the planet that has seen every single one of PWS Anderson’s films. This does beg the question: why would I do this to myself? Well, the answer is simple, as simple as Paul himself. It’s because the bastard invariably makes terrible films based on material that I like. It’s got to the stage with the cocksucker that I’m actually developing a minor persecution complex in that it genuinely feels like he’s deliberately finding subjects that I care about and then ruining them intentionally. Why is he doing this to me? Why can’t he bugger off and just make Sex and the City sequels or Jane Austen adaptations or other such trash that I could just happily ignore? All of which boring and self-pitying preamble brings me around to his most recent cinematic atrocity: Resident Evil 4.

Apocalyptic cityscapes are always nice

Blah Blah fucking blah.

This series blows. It’s four films long and counting and the very best of them, Extinction, manages to climb the dizzying heights of mediocre. The other 2 films haven’t even managed to muster a pathetic half a chang between them. Resident Evil: Afterlife is an astonishingly bad film, it’s so bad that I’m suffering from a massive attack of ennui, and am employing every single piece of procrastination that I can to avoid actually writing about the film itself. I suppose at some point I will manage to make this extended stream-of-consciousness ramble into a review, but at the moment, well, I don’t really feel like it. Has anyone else noticed how unseasonably pleasant the weather has been recently?

Oh, alright then, here comes the review…

In a minute…

Soon…

Promise…

Milla works on a cheaper alternative to divorce

Fuck. Here we go.

Resident Evil Afterlife opens straight after the end of Extinction. Alice (Milla Jovovich) leads an army of Millas on a raid on Umbrella’s headquarters in Tokyo (don’t ask how she managed to transport an army across the Pacific ocean, honestly, don’t ask- the film is full of shit like this and it doesn’t bear thinking about). This is basically an exercise in loose-end tying up. All the Millas die, and Wesker uses a magic syringe to depower the last Milla. She’s now got no superpowers whatsoever- got that? It’s important to later in the film. Just to be absolutely clear: Alice, played by Milla Jovovich now has NO SUPERPOWERS WHATSOEVER

Clear?

Anyhoo, despite having absolutely no superpowers whatsoever she then survives a flaming plane crash. Without a fucking scratch on her. To be honest, at this stage, I was starting to already doubt that she had, actually, lost her superpowers. Next time we see her she’s flying a plane looking for Arcadia- some promised safe haven from the zombie Apocalypse. Now, I know what you’re thinking- where, in the post-apocalyptic wasteland did Alice find a working plane and enough fuel to get it all the way to Alaska? Well, again, best not to think about it. She bumps into Claire Redfield (Ali Larter) who in an act of utter useless hackery, has amnesia. Which is convenient to the point of laziness, as I honestly cannot think of another film in the Resident Evil series that relies so heavily on memory loss as part of the storyline. How fucking slapdash and inept is the writing in this film by the way? and more importantly, what sort of useless fucking hack recycles the useless fucking hack plot device from his own fucking series? PS- and this is important, remember that Alice has absolutely NO SUPERPOWERS WHATSOEVER.

Borrowing a monster from Silent Hill. Is there any depth that this series won't plumb?

Right, next up, Alice and Claire are flying to LA. They bump into a group of survivors holed up in a prison  including Kim Coates as sleazy producer cliché asshole Bennett, Boris Kodjoe as Luthor, and more importantly, Wentworth Miller as Chris Redfield. Who, incidentally, despite being locked in one of Hannibal Lector’s hand me down cells, knows of a fool-proof way to escape from the hungry zombie horde. Obviously, this is the man with the plan, and if I was going to try to survive a zombie apocalypse, then I do have to say that I would absolutely be keeping the only person that knows how to escape IN A FUCKING CELL.

Christ, this film is so fucking cretinous and lame that I’m struggling to finish this shite. I almost cannot be arsed with it.

How fucking shit is this? Dog splitting like in Blade Trinity

Eventually, it turns out that Chris’ plan was utter dogshit. Quelle fucking surprise. I bet you’re stunned to hear that. Plan B, which a paste eating retard could come up with, is to use the tunnels that the zombies dug to get into the prison to escape. This will lead to a storm drain that will then lead to the sea. Which means they can get to the tanker moored conveniently close to the coast.

Right. Unfortunately, the tanker, Arcadia, is not a haven for survivors, rather it’s a secret Umbrella scientist boat. Oh, and Wesker’s back. Cue big showdown, Wesker beats seven barrels of shit out of the Redfields without breaking sweat, but then is despatched with astonishing ease by Alice. Then he gets blown up. Film ends with the ominous sight of an attack helicopter descending on the newly liberated boat.

Wesker is about to pointlessly throw these sunglasses at the screen. Because that's how he rolls in THREE FUCKING D

This film is fundamentally fucking terrible. It’s appallingly written dismal toss. There’s no thought to reason, logic or (heaven forbid) continuity, and this is entirely the fault of writer/ director Paul W.S. Anderson. For example, despite having, and I quote, no super powers whatsoever, Milla can still hop around like Yoda on crack, and basically there’s no logical reason at all for it. Wesker moves like a fucking agent in The Matrix, and yet will helpfully stand still long enough to allow Milla to stab him in the head. For some reason, best known to himself, Anderson really clearly likes the vampire effects in Blade 2 and Trinity, so the fucking zombies lower jaw splits open in the exact reaper style. Oh, and the dogs do that as well.

Furthermore, Resident Evil Afterlife was filmed for 3D. Anderson, being Anderson, is about as subtle as  a fat bastard at a free buffet, so for him 3D exists to annoyingly poke shit at the screen. As if that isn’t irritating and distracting enough, the cunt also periodically slows down or speeds up the action so that we can get a full 2D TV eyeful of a piss poor 3D effect. I have to agree with everyone’s favourite bucket of bolts here, but really, 3D, has there ever been a more useless invention? Seriously, even the long forgotten and completely unlamented Femidom was more useful than this sack of crap. It’s basically a crutch and a band-aid for talentless tools to disguise the fact that they’re actually filming something with the critical, artistic, and entertainment value of a tin of shit. That’s what this film is- a tin of fucking shit.

Milla, despite having no superpowers whatsoever manages to kick a tray with scalpels on it at Wesker which then all conveniently stick in the chair next to his fucking head.

I absolutely hate this film, and despise this series. If I’d seen it last year, then I’d have walked out of the cinema. It’s obnoxious, slapdash, and basically offensively stupid on every level- and it is clear to me that I can now comfortably say that as bad as 2033 was, Resident Evil Afterlife was the worst film released in 2010. It’s very rare that I watch a film with absolutely no redeeming features whatsoever, but this one is it, and as a result I can’t stress strongly enough- don’t watch it. You’ll actually be a bit more stupid having witnessed the full thing. Nevertheless, as crass and downright cuntish as Resident Evil Afterlife is, and it’s shockingly awful, it isn’t the worst film in the Resident Evil series. No, that honour still goes to Apocalypse, which is every bit as insulting and obnoxious as this, but also manages that sequence that gives you hope before cruelly dashing it.

If it came to a choice between whether or not to watch Resident Evil Apocalypse, Afterlife or watching the epic dullness of Watchmen: The super-dooper fully extended edition, then I have to say that it looks like I’ve got a 3 hour appointment with massive tedium ahead of me.

Unspeakably shit, unbearably awful, Resident Evil Afterlife is a blemish on the history of cinema and fully warrants this:

Yup, I’ve bought the Orangutan of Doom out of retirement. Just for this film. Fuck you Anderwank, and fuck everyone involved in this abomination of a series.

Until next time,

Jarv.

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

28 responses to “Video Game Adaptations: Resident Evil Afterlife”

  1. Jarv says :

    HUZZAH!

    No more Resident Evil films!

    I’m FREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

    • M says :

      I actually quite like the Resident Evil series, hot chicks kicking arse is right down my street and a mindless action film here and there is some good downtime. Oh and there’s a fifth coming out, Resident Evil: Retribution, yeah, the horribly tacky names never end. Also the whole “so the fucking zombies lower jaw splits open in the exact reaper style. Oh, and the dogs do that as well.” You clearly know nothing about the Resident Evil games, which you know, if your going to judge a movie based on a video game series you should know something about the games, stupidly random mutations its just how Resident Evil rolls, the movies leave out the biggest and randomest of them trust me, Resident Evil 4 (the game) features several cave trolls and a priest who turns into a mutant spider with eyeballs for knees and a dude who turns into a human centipede. Its also not uncommon for normal looking people to mutate arms into great big fleshy swords or turn into massive creatures with great big eyes for shoulders and whatnot. So the movies do an alright job mimicking the chaotic world and creatures seen in the games, many of which often make no sense at all and seem to come from nowhere. You should be thankful they haven’t introduced the hordes of crazed Spanish people who grow mutant centipede like heads when you blow theirs off.

      • Jarv says :

        For a start, these films are reprehensibly stupid and poorly made. I love me some dumbhouse action movie, but these are an atrocious bundle of shit.

        Regarding the RE games, I’ve finished up to the end of code Veronica. Hence my ability to spot that Apocalypse ripped off the opening sequence verbatim. I suggest that you clearly know nothing about the first four games, because while there rae mutations in there (Giant Spiders, spores, whatshisname turning into a dino, Alexis herself) not one of them appears in the Resident Evil films. Rather, Anderson doesn’t have the imagination to actually attempt to reproduce these mutations, instead he rips wholesale from another film.

        PS- if you knew anything about Code Veronica, which completed the story, then you would know that Alexis formed the T-virus from insect DNA. So therefore those mutations do make sense.

        The movies are shit, offensive and arserape the games. If you have above a room temperature IQ and don’t eat crayons, there’s no excusing them. None.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        No need for crazed Spanishers running amok, just use the footage of rampaging Chavs and Chavetts from last week!

      • Jarv says :

        Bah! They were kids.

        Thieving little fuckers

  2. Jarv says :

    PS- this is the worst series ever made. 4 films: total chang rating? 2- both of which were awarded for Extinction.

    That’s 3 films with a below half a chang rating. I can’t think of another series that sinks so low.

  3. Droid says :

    hehehehe!!! HUZZAH!!!

  4. DocPazuzu says :

    hahahaha!
    Yeah, I hated this one too. I had the same thought about her superpowers, wondering how and when she’d get them back, and carrying on as if she had never lost them….. uhh….. wut?

    Anderson is appallingly bad most of the time, but I still like Event Horizon quite a bit and enjoyed Death Race against my better judgment.

  5. ThereWolf says :

    Jarv in full-rant mode. Rather funny!

    Thing is, I’ve seen the other 3 so I’ve got to complete the set. The Orangutan Of Doom will not deter me!

    Yeh, ‘Event Horizon’ grew on me – not great, ripping off sf films all over the place, but fairly competent.

    • DocPazuzu says :

      It is derivative in many ways, for sure. The production design on Event Horizon is top-notch, however, and the supremely creepy atmosphere is sustained until the last 20-25 minutes or so, when all the half-assed cenobite shenanigans take place. It gets extra marks for not copping out and having some sort of scientific extraterrestrial explanation for everything. It’s really supernatural horror in space, which is very cool.

      • Jarv says :

        That last 45 minutes kills the film. From the moment world renowned palaeontologist Sam Neill starts talking to his dead wife the film goes tits up.

      • ThereWolf says :

        Bang on about the production design on ‘Event Horizon’.

        The film looks fantastic – but that’s no surprise, the dp being Adrian Biddle. That bloke could shoot…

      • koutchboom says :

        I think Pandorum’s look and design has sort of put Event Horizon to shame now.

    • Jarv says :

      Don’t bother- it’s hideous shite.

    • DocPazuzu says :

      And yes, I also have all the Resident Evil movies — including that terrible CG movie. It’s at times like this, when I realize these things about myself, that I’m reminded of record nerd Seymour (Steve Buscemi) in Ghost World and what he said when Thora Birch compliments him on his geeky interests:

      “My interests? I HATE my interests!”

  6. koutchboom says :

    This movie was awesome. Probably the funnest time I’ve had with 3D, its close with Jackass 3D.

    I’ll never watch it again, why ruin perfection?

  7. Frank Marmoset says :

    Congratulations/commiserations on achieving 100% Anderson, Jarv. That is an accomplishment you can be truly proud/ashamed of. Well done, sir.

    Also, I agree this film is not very good.

  8. ThereWolf says :

    Finally watched it. Wish I hadn’t…

    Amusingly (and not surprisingly) I’d completely forgotten the end of ‘3’ so was quite astonished to see an army of Alices. But the superpowers thing beggars belief; Wesker took ’em off her! “Thanks for making me human again”. Next thing, she’s walking clear of a devastating plane crash and next thing after that, she’s floating around in slo-mo again in what can only be described as superpoweryness. Absolute fucking bollocks.

    Then the end credits set up a returning Guillory, a baddie this time. Piss off.

    It’s worse than fucking ‘2’! Dreadful, festering honk of the lowest order.

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