Jarv’s Top 10 TV cunts

I’m just back from Spain, and because it was an absolutely hideous week I’m in what could be called an evil fucking temper. Therefore, as an act of pure therapy, I’ve been thinking about Television, and which characters are arguably the biggest cunts ever to grace the small screen. There is a proviso with this one- I don’t watch either soap operas or Reality TV, so I’m sure there are lots that I’ve missed (Cowell), and I have only included characters where I have witnessed the cuntishness on screen myself- hence no Lithgow from Season 3 Dexter. Furthermore, while Brent is no doubt a complete and utter cunt (of a type that I particularly loathe) I haven’t included him as there’s nothing more really to say as he’s made practically every other one of these lists out there.

So with no further ado, here are 10 of the most detestable bastards ever filmed for television.

10. Eric Cartman (South Park)

Cartman really is a dirty little bastard. From the morbid obesity, to the shitty attitude, pathetic craving for $10m and  complete and utter cuntishness, Cartman is really the embodiment of the loathsome spoiled brat. However, even were the rest of this not true, he’d still make the list for his frequent abuses of “Authoritah” and repeated sulky “Screw you guys, I’m going home.”

So, Eric you fatass, Screw you, you make the top 10.

9. General Melchett (Blackadder Goes Forth)

Apologies in advance, but this list features several characters from British Comedy. However, I hold a particular loathing for Melchett as played by Stephen Fry. It’s something to do with the sheer incompetence of the man, that is a perfect embodiment of the continued cretinism displayed by WWI generals that led to the slaughter of a whole generation. Melchett is a vain, moronic, stubborn, selfish cunt that is vastly out of touch with reality. Furthermore, the bastard has no sense of empathy, and worse than that shows no guilt whatsoever at his idiocy leading to the slaughter of his troops.

You, Melchett, Sir, are a cunt- and in reality would probably have been in line for a fucking Knighthood for services to the genocide of your own troops once the war finished. This last point, actually, is what really makes me sick of Melchett and his type.

8. Leland Palmer (Twin Peaks)

This is a bit harsh, really, considering that he has been possessed by a demon and whatnot. However, nevertheless, Palmer is still a dirty incestuous kiddy fiddling fucker, that furthermore is a greedy corporate whore with myriad personality issues. It’s a truly memorable turn from Ray Wise (who I really like, and was the only thing worth watching in Reaper), but nevertheless, what a cunt.

For evidence, check out the creepy dinner scene with Laura as the fucker lays down the law in Fire Walk With Me. What a cunt.

7. The Streets (Prime Suspect)

Really, I could have picked any of the Prime Suspect villains for this, considering that they consist of scumbags, rapists and other deviant types. However, The Streets is a particularly nasty specimen.

Hailing from that shithole Manchester, The Streets is a local chav drug lord magnificently played by Steven Mackintosh. His many acts of cuntishness include feeding people who have angered him to his dogs, forcing a young man to shoot his girlfriend’s brother and many other serious criminal dealings. However, what gets him on the list is that the cunt will insist on referring to himself in the third person. Seriously, anyone that does this is automatically a complete and utter cunt of the highest order, and that he couples it with some serious mendacity (“The Streets takes care of his boys”)  means that he jumps up this list.

6. Nathan (Misfits)

What a cunt. Seriously, you know that a character is a complete and utter wanker when periodically all the other characters in the series refer to him, to his face, as a cock. Nathan is a promiscuous, abusive, smart-mouthed, dirty little chav bastard that’s most unjustly blessed with immortality.

And what does the little asspickle do with this? Fucking sells it for less than £5,000. What a cunt.

Also, although Robert Sheehan does play him brilliantly, I also partly hold him to blame for the decline of Misfits over the second series, particularly the execrable Christmas Special, which still pisses me off thinking about it.

5. Ruby (Supernatural)

Ruby Ruby RUBY.

Fuck the Kaiser Chiefs. Sorry about that. Anyhoo, where to start with this one, aside from the fact that Genevieve Cortese is smoking hot, and although your soul would probably be damned to perpetual damnation it would probably be worth it, Ruby is actually the demon who is wearing a coma girl as a meat suit. Which is prime cuntishness in the first place. Secondly, Ruby is entirely responsible for the emergence of Lucifer having played Sam like a fucking harp and conned him over the course of 24 episodes.

What pisses me off about this, however, is that even knowing the above, I still wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crisps.

God damn it.

4.Francis Urquhart (House of Cards, To Play the King, The Final Cut)

One thing that British TV throws up regularly is utter cunt politicians. Honestly, while America has the upstanding Martin Sheen in the West Wing, we’ve got complete and utter shitbag Ian Richardson in House of Cards.

Francis Urquhart is one of the more memorable villains produced in a truly outstanding piece of British Television. Named because of his initials, Urquhart starts out as Chief Whip (a job that only a complete and utter cunt could do) before sliming his way up to becoming Prime Minister. In the meantime, the dirty bastard employs blackmail, murder, sexual indiscretions and other odious tricks.

Richardson, to be honest, has never been better than he was here (even in Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy) and it’s his revoltingly smug asides to the audience that elevate Urquhart above the usual brand of cunt that populates television.

In the end, assassination is too good for the bastard.

3. T-Bag (Prison Break)

Robert Knepper is simply superb as T-Bag. However, T-Bag himself is one of the most unrepentantly loathsome characters ever to grace the small screen. He’s a murderous kiddy-fiddling cunt, and really do I need to say any more than that?

2. Samantha (Sex and the City)

There was no way I was going to let these harpies off this list. This, actually, could have been any of the four main characters, however, as a symbol of everything that is odious and evil about the extended torture session that is Sex and the City, this prize cunt takes some beating.

She’s shallow, superficial, arrogant, materialistic, obnoxious and otherwise revolting. However, even taking all that into account, what elevates her this high is that, apparently, she’s some kind of role model.

What? Why? How is it remotely desirable for young women to aspire to be an octogenerian cum bucket with the redeeming features of a sewage works. Actually, I take that back, shit goes into a sewage work to get purified, whereas all this cunt does is spread shit all over the world.

She’s so vile that she almost makes me forget that Kim Cattrell has been in a shit load of films that I actually like (and in a few cases love).

Just fuck off you vacuous shoe-obsessed cow.

1. Alan B’Stard (The New Statesman)

Rik Mayall’s unforgettable Alan B’Stard is in, my opinion, the biggest cunt ever to grace the TV. He’s also the second UK Politician to grace this list, and both of them are Tories.

The New Statesman was a fucking brilliant series. A scabrous satire of Thatcherism and the Tory party in General, and B’Stard was the embodiment of everything that was wrong with the philosophy. He’s a greedy, thieving, cynical cunt. He’s also married to a borderline hooker (superb performance from Marsha Fitzalan) and suffers from both premature ejaculation and has a tiny cock. B’Stard spends his days plotting the continued domination of the Conservative Party, bullying fellow MP Piers Fletcher-Dervish, and being involved in other acts of petty fraud/ theft. He’s utterly amoral, and completely hypocritical, being only interested in his own venal desires (which include underage sex, pornography, selling arms to Pinochet, incest, murder, and other acts of cuntishness). No cause is too debauched, and no bribe to small for B’Stard, who manages to not only live up to his name but top it- but I suppose calling him Sir Alan C’unt would have lacked subtlety.

If anyone doubts that this dirty cunt deserves to top the list, then check out the clip below- the complete and utter cunt is chopping the fucking heads of charity boxes to steal the fucking coppers out of them. There is no doubt in my mind that B’Stard is not only a fantastic comic creation, but the perfect embodiment of everything that is wrong with UK Politics and a complete and utter cunt.

Interestingly, B’Stard not only ran a few series on TV, but his creators penned an article by him for the Sunday Telegraph (I think) where the cunt had defected to Labour, and Mayall toured the character with reasonable success.

Sir Alan B’Stard: Prize cunt of stage, print and screen, and well overdue rehabilitation.

That’s me done with this list, but as promised, below is the clip for the opening of “Keeping Mum” (who, incidentally, he has murdered)- what a cunt. As soon as I think of another top 10 topic I’ll be back with these.



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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

114 responses to “Jarv’s Top 10 TV cunts”

  1. Jarv says :


    There are millions that could make this list, really.

  2. Xiphos0311 says :

    Ah you’re nuts. Cartman is 10 shades of awesome with a cherry on top.

    If anybody from the UK Office deserves the cunt tag it’s that colossal douche nozzle Tim Canterbury passive aggressive whinny fuck. Brent just seemed like a pathetic asshat but essentially harmless.

    Nuts part 2, Ruby was only hot in that meta episode from a few weeks ago. Other then that she was rather plain and blond Ruby was hotter.

    TBag was one of the most loathsome yet watchable characters to ever grace network TV. He’s the only reason I watched the second season after the breakout because man that show got bad fast. The first season was dumb as hell but it was a fun watch, after that it became a chore.

    They crossed TBag’s character over to a dopey show called Breakout Kings(a dumb idea about Federal Marshals that use convicts to chase convicts that breakout of prison) They made the dreaded decision of giving the character motivation for his actions that are somewhat redeemable. Just make bad guys bad guys and leave them to be awesome no need to invent a convulted reason for his actions.

    • Jarv says :

      Nuts Part 1- Yup, he is indeed most awesome. As is B’Stard. Still a cunt though.

      Nuts Part 2- I know, I know. Has it restarted yet?

      Also, I’m currently working under a colossal fucknut who is remarkably similar to Brent (honestly, he’s just taking my flexitime in the holidays off me), although I do agree about Tim. Cunt.

      T-Bag, exactly the same with me, revolting bastard, but then there was all that crap with his family, which killed it dead for me.

      What do you think of Melchett making the list? I nearly put him higher.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        I never saw this version of Blackadder, my experience of the show is pretty spotty but I’m all for anybody that savagely lampoons the massive incompetence and arrogance of French and English Generals in WW1.

        Yes SN is back and Friday’s episode was fun deconstruction of Westerns with Dean totally buying into the movie myths and Sam goofing on him like crazy. The 2 eps since SN has returned have been strong.

      • Jarv says :

        Blackadder Goes Forth was superb. Really, really good- arguably the best British Comedy of all time, and the last episode in particular was devastating.

      • Jarv says :

        Awesome, I shall acquire them.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        I’ll see if I can find that ep of Blackadder it sounds like it could be good.

      • Col. Tigh-Fighter says :

        Xi, do check out the final episode of Blackadder Goes Forth. Its one of the great tv finales.

        Great list, Jarv. Expecially the Prime Suspect ones. They were all a bunch of fucking divients lol Can I also suggest Mom from Futurama, a cunt on an inter-galactic scale. From harvesting South American orphans to make Robot oil, to single handly causing global warming.

        Mom is surely the sweetest, cudliest cunt going!

      • Jarv says :

        Thought about Mom, actually, but then discounted it as I’d already used Cartman and I didn’t want too much animation (same reason I let smithers off)

        Seconded about the last episode of Blackadder- essential viewing.

  3. DocPazuzu says :

    Several things:

    1) Great list — they’re all CUNTS.

    2) Rik Mayall gets extra points for playing another cunt actually called Adonis Cnut, a name which still makes me laugh just seeing it in print.

    3) Blackadder Goes Forth really is fantastic. The final scene in the last episode is heart-wrenching — especially since Baldric finally was on the verge of a truly cunning plan before they went over the top. It’s astonishing that they were able to pull that whole bit off emotionally speaking, considering everything leading up to it.

    4) Ray Wise is great. He’s also the best part in the unfairly maligned Jeepers Creepers 2.

    5) I say thee nay, Jarv. David Brent is not a cunt. A monumental twat, yes, but not a cunt. When Brent is reduced to tears at the end of season two, begging to keep his job, you actually feel sorry for him. If he had been a cunt you wouldn’t have cared. His “friend” from one of the upstairs departments, the guy who kept humiliating him in front of everyone else, HE’S a massive cunt. And it was a wonderful moment in the Christmas special when Brent finally worked up the nerve to tell him to fuck off. Ace.

    • Jarv says :

      I may currently be bitter regarding the middle management Cunt who reeks of Brent currently ruining my life, but otherwise he’s more of a pathetic loser than anything else.

      Mayall plays a fabulous Cunt- he’s brilliant at it.

  4. Tom_Bando says :

    Kim Cattrell movies I like/don’t loath: Police Academy, Porky’s, Mannequin, Star Trek VI, etc.

    Fave of the lot–easily Police Academy. Yes.

    • Jarv says :

      Big trouble, split second-

      She used to be good

    • Frank Marmoset says :

      I am shocked – shocked, I say! – that Tom has not included Big Trouble In Little China. Surely the best thing she’s ever done.

      • Tom_Bando says :

        Sadly, loathsomely, admittedly—I prefer my VHS copy of Police Academy to that of my VHS copy of Big Trouble in Little China, even W/ the James Hong Factor included. I know it’s terrible but it’s 100% true.

        Tackleberry rules.

      • Spud McSpud says :

        BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA is the best thing anybody in it has ever done, EVER. This is a fact, and anyone who disagrees can SHAAAAAADDAP MISTER BURTON!!

        Kim Cattrall favourites?? Agreed on PORKY’S (“Why do they call her Lassie?” “You’ll see…”), POLICE ACADEMY, SPLIT SECOND, but the hopeless romantic in me absolutely adores MANNEQUIN. That buffoon Andrew McCarthy doesn’t deserve her at the end. In a just universe, she’d have gone off with Hollywood, who comes out as bisexual.

        Though he did make WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S I and II, which I defend to the PAIN!

        Wow. When Kim Cattrall was Teh Hotness and not the undead cougar she has become in that hateful SATC, which does more to prove the existence of Satan than any number of fucking OMEN movies.

        Welcome back, Jarv. You’ve been sorley missed, as the other Moonwolves rightly exclaimed, and yes, this is a venerable smorgasbord of quality cuntery. Especially thanks for number 6, which I can’t agree with more, but you already knew that. Methinks Season 3 will suffer without him, if the rumours are to be believed (though leaving to pursue movies is a BIG mistake if the movies in question are nearly as bad as SEASON OF THE WITCH. Dear God, that was shit.)

        And number 5? She’s now married to Sam Winchester IRL, so you’d have to fend off that Neanderthal to get anywhere near her. Seriously. Is Padalecki the missing link? Check that jutting brow!! JEES-us…

        Anyway, welcome back Jarv. Another quality article, as always 🙂

      • Jarv says :

        Misfits could, actually, be a lot better without him- in that they’ll have to do some proper writing rather than throwing a load of cock jokes at the screen in the hope that Sheehan’s charm and comic timing will carry them.

        It’s on serious borrowed time with me now anyway. Which is a crying shame because the first series was mint.

  5. Frank Marmoset says :

    I’m not familiar with all these cunts, but I’m sure they are all equally cunty in their own cuntish way.

    Having watched Breaking Bad recently, I would like to nominate Skyler White for inclusion on this list. So many negative female qualities wrapped up in one aggravating package.

    Also, Don Draper. Total cunt.

    • Jarv says :

      Who are you missing?

      Urquhart, Nathan and B’Stard?

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        Those three and The Streets (never seen Prime Suspect).

        I don’t know too much about Samantha, either, except what I saw in SATC2. She was a cunt in that, though.

      • Jarv says :

        Prime Suspect was, when on form, brilliant.

        I’d recommend, heartily, House of Cards. It’s superb. The New Statesman is also brilliant- really nasty satire and easily available. B’Stard was truly despicable on every level, and the series was hilarious.

        Re Misfits- Give series one a shot. Don’t touch Series two.

      • Spud McSpud says :

        Steven Mackintosh seems to have cornered the market in cunts, though. Check his feckless public schoolboy weed merchant in LOCK, STOCK. Or his weaselly cunt in LUTHER (which is hilarious upper-middle class neo-gothic melodrama of the lowest calibre). Or practically anyone else he ever plays. Wasn’t he a cunt in CRACKER too? (Been a while, don’t really remember).

        Ah yes, Mackintosh plays a good cunt. Long may he continue.

      • Jarv says :

        Completely forgotten that Mackintosh was in Lock Stock. Christ, he was a douche in that,

  6. Barfy says :

    It’s not that US politicians in film or tv aren’t as corrupt and loathsome (All the King’s Men, Manchurian Candidate, Advise & Consent, etc.) but they’re certainly not as much fun to watch as Richardson’s Francis Urquhart. A diabolical stare with a little grin and he’s evil personified. Loved it!

    • Jarv says :

      Dunno- when I tend to see US politicians, they aren’t necessarily cunty (Manchurian candidate doesn’t count).

      We’ve got a long pedigree of producing vile politicians on TV- I’ve used Urquhart and B’Stard here- but missed Yes, Minister, GBH and others.

      Fuck it, this is probably why only 1/3 of the UK population votes- and they’re fucking tribal sheep morons anyhow.

  7. Jarv says :

    Re Blackadder goes forth:

    The finale is the ultimate example of everything coming together at the right time.

    Originally, it was just filmed- and it didn’t work.

    So they showed it to the crew, and someone said, show it in Slow motion.

    They went away, and it still didn’t work.

    So the sound guy said, I’ve an idea- and turned out the music for it.

    It still didn’t work, and everyone at the BBC had watched it untold times, when a girl in admin suggested the poppies-


    Magic on screen.

  8. ThereWolf says :

    Not a telly person, don’t know about these people. Seen a few Blackadders & I know Leland Palmer – wasn’t really him though was it, it was another mad twat called Bob (I think). Deep down, Leland was a nice guy.

    The New Statesman was brilliant. Mayall dug out the B’Stard persona for a recent political broadcast, for the ‘NO to AV’ campaign (think it was ‘no’, I didn’t pay a great deal of attention).

    Some parts of Manchester are shit, but there are nooks and corners of devastating beauty. Where I live is a shithole, sadly & it’s full of cunts. Of which I’m probably one.

    Welcome back, Jarv. You have been sorely missed.

    • Jarv says :

      Cheers mate.

      Having lived in Manchester for a while, and having had an ex who lived in Didsbury, I’m well aware of what Manchester is like. ‘Tis a shithole.

      Having said that, though, it got dramatically better after the facelift for the Commonwealth games (or whatever it was).

      I was a bit unfair on Palmer, but I think he has enough cuntishness to qualify, even given the whole Bob possession issue.

      • ThereWolf says :

        While I accept you lived here for awhile, I actually DO live here and I’m telling you it’s not a complete shithole.

        There are nice places, some good work has been done in and around the town centre, on the waterways… the facelift of which you speak. But, yeh, these places are outnumbered.

        I used to go drinking in Didsbury. I found the locals to be a bit ‘uppity’. My favourite pub was the Royal Oak, size of a shoe box, always a good night & no trouble. Never any ‘uppityness’ in there.

      • Jarv says :

        No doubt about it, and I do concede I haven’t been there in yonks.

        Manchester, to be fair, is miles better than pretty much every other city of the Midlands up to Scotland.

        Christ, I remember flogging door to door around Moss Side. Scared the shit out of me- the worst was probably Wythenshawe though.

      • ThereWolf says :

        I think I visited somebody in hospital there once, that’s about it.

        Apparently Wythenshawe is an apt place for a hospital…

    • Col. Tigh-Fighter says :

      I always rather liked Manchester. I used to visit all the time in the early 90’s. Was an old raver so used to go to the Hacienda, Life @ Bowlers, Amnesia House at Hiprodrome in Middleton, and Sankey Soaps. Good times 🙂

      Did once get lost on the way to Bowlers and drove through Mossside. Needed petrol and we drove into a petrol station, saw the burnt out car and kids hanging around, and drove straight back out again lol. But apart from that, nice place and nice people 🙂

      I used to go out with someone from stockport for a while. Now thats a shithole!

      • Jarv says :

        Nothing wrong with Stockport that a good fire couldn’t cure.


      • ThereWolf says :

        The Hac! Nice one, Col. I went in there quite a lot but lost interest when the DJ’s got big. I’m more for live bands. Went in a couple of times when the whole ‘gunchester’ thing was happening and it just wasn’t a happy place. You could feel it.

        Moss Side, wasn’t a place to get lost in! Don’t know if it’s changed much now. When I watched Man City, when they were at Maine Road, Moss Side – coming home from a night match could get a little hairy!

        Used to go drinking in Stockport. Full of idiots. Fisticuffs never far away.

  9. LORD BRONCO says :

    This list is shit, and you are as well.

    I’m just emotionalizing after getting beaten to crap by Xipohos.

    It’s good to see you back, and give best regards to Mrs. Jarv.

    True tell, that’s a pretty good list of bollocks.


    This website is annoying.

  10. LORD BRONCO says :

    So-when is some dumbass going to review the Alien franchise?


    I don’t know if you can take it….

    …dot dot dot

    *the dots build suspense you ignorant bastards*

    Yours truly,


  11. Jarv says :

    Damn it. Just remembered Patty Hughes- Cunt.

    • Toadkillerdog says :

      Jarv, I was ready to call you an unreconstructed c*nt that has been abused by a unusually well hung black rhino with it’s balls wrapped in barbed wire that has been allowed to sniff but not touch a female black rhino in fourteen years.
      Because you put FU at number 4…4!

      But, I calmed down and realized that even though I have not seen Lord Flashhearts turn as Messr. B’Stard, it is still Lord FlashHeart, so I cannot be hating…too much

      But number 4?

      Number 2 would be barelya cceptable, but 4?

      I mean really. FU was not comical. He was deadly serious, even if in a darkly comic way.

      He killed Mattie for crying out loud -threw her off the roof. and he loved her and she loved him!

      Brought down a sitting King.

      Killed innocents in Britain and framed the IRA

      Framed and blackmailed innumerable others in gov’t people.

      Started a war.

      And made babies cry.

      And you put Samantha above him?

      Uh, nossir.

      Samantha was simply a slave whore to her own menopause.

      FU was a whole order of magnitude c*ntier!

      • Jarv says :

        B’Stard is a far cuntier politician- murder, war, corruption, greed, incest, sadism, debauchery, theft, and so forth. I did consider whether to raise FU up above those other two, but I didn’t because T-bag is a kiddie fiddling serial killer and I really detest SATC.

  12. Toadkillerdog says :

    FU did all the above accept for the incest – although Mattie called him daddy! And he still threw her off the roof.

    • Jarv says :

      Ah- but FU didn’t relentlessly bully his assistant or lead the Neo Nazis. You really need to see B’Stard in action- a royal cunt indeed.

      Also, B’Stard finished declaring himself Lord Protecter of England. Just said “bollocks” to democracy.

  13. Toadkillerdog says :

    He abused Stamper, and he led the Tories!

    I will definitely look for the B’stard series, and because Mayall is the lead, I give you benefit of doubt that he was c*ntier than FU, but number 4?

    I demand a recount

    • Jarv says :

      B’Stard was a Tory. Dig it up- it’s very topical and there are a lot of gags about current affairs, but the attitude and it’s funny how accurate it still is.

  14. Toadkillerdog says :

    Jarv, did you ever see: Yes, Minister?

    I loved that show.

    • Jarv says :

      Loved Yes, Minister. I thought about Humphrey for this list, because he’s such a machiavellian cunt, but I didn’t want to overload it with British Political stuff.

      Why do we turn out so many stellar anti-government series.

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        The British have the best sense of humor of any country – although the Dutch and French hate you for it!

        Humphrey was the greatest comical Machiavellian I have ever seen. Always foiled though.

      • Jarv says :

        Mostly through Hacker’s ineptitude. Especially in Yes Prime Minister. Also Bernard was a genius character.

  15. Toadkillerdog says :

    At first I Thought you meant Bernard/Nursie in Blackadder.

  16. Toadkillerdog says :

    Yeah, she was outstanding as a moron, but no one tops Baldrick.

    I think Otis from superman belongs on list.

    Why do seemingly intelligent men, surround themselves with such morons?

    Blackadder, Lex Luthor, the Skipper from Gilligan’s Island? (ok just threw that in to see if you were paying attention)

    • Jarv says :

      B’stard as well. Piers is a complete idiot. It is strange how many inept sidekicks these seemingly bright anti-heroes/ villains land themselves with.

  17. Toadkillerdog says :

    Baldrick only had one weakness besides not possessing a brain – turnips

    • Jarv says :

      Turnips, particularly amusingly shaped ones were invariably his downfall.

      It is funny that in the first series of Blackadder (the shit one), Baldrick was the brains of the operation,

  18. Toadkillerdog says :

    Nothing with Brian Blessed in it is shit, now I will say that the first series is not my favorite, but it had some amusing moments.

    I do love how they retooled the blackadder character afterwards, show real maturation and development as writers and actor.

  19. DocPazuzu says :

    Been thinking about cunts a bit today and started musing on whether being utterly detestable qualifies someone as being a cunt or if there are indeed likable cunts. After much deliberation (yes, I have way too much time on my hands — I’m a librarian, for fuck’s sake) I have come to the conclusion that, yes, on rare occasions a cunt can be likable. Interestingly, the two examples I can think of off the top of my head are from British television:

    1) Fitz in Cracker — a brilliant psychologist but also a fat, gambling, drinking, chainsmoking, philandering cunt of the highest order. He systematically fucks over everyone he comes in contact with yet remains strangely likable.

    2) Malcolm Tucker in The Thick Of It — abusive, bullying, foul-mouthed, malevolent party hatchet man who strikes terror in the hearts of everyone from receptionists to government ministers. In all fairness, his likability stems a great deal from the fact that most people he verbally mangles are either massive twats or bigger cunts than he is.

    • Jarv says :

      Yup, cuntishness and likability are not mutually exclusive. For example, Cartman is unquestionably a little cunt, but as Xi said he is also awesome.

      Urquhart on the other hand is witty, urbane and a purely hateful cunt of the highest order.

  20. Droid says :

    There is a gaping hole on this list where the ex-Mrs Draper should be. Biggest cunt on tv at the moment.

    • Jarv says :

      Not seen it.

      That’s why she didn’t make the list. I’m really cross at forgetting Patty Hughes from Damages. Prize Cunt.

      • Droid says :

        Peter Griffin. Massive cunt.

      • Jarv says :

        Fucking hate him. Unfunny, dimwitted, complete and utter cunt. I’d also add Stan Smith to that as well.

      • Droid says :

        The english chick from season two of Dexter.

        Massive cunt.

      • Droid says :

        Who’s Stan Smith?

      • Jarv says :

        American Dad

      • Jarv says :

        What was Thor like?

        I’m thinking about going to it on Friday to avoid the Royal Wedding.

      • Droid says :

        Oh, okay. He’s not as annoying as Griffin. At least he’s not in the first season.

        Mohinder’s also a massive cunt.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuck D’ohinder. Can’t stand him. I’d add almost all the cast of that series. That’s why I didn’t put him in.

      • Droid says :

        I’m going to review it, since it’s not out in the US until May 5th.

        In a nutshell, it’s okay.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s got a ludicrous rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

      • Droid says :

        High or low?

      • Jarv says :

        94% Fresh

        Fuck me.

      • Droid says :

        I expect that. But remember, okay is taken as “fresh”. And a lot of those will be “it was okay” reviews I imagine.

      • Droid says :

        And the movie isn’t out for another 10 days in the US. So it’d probably be going off fanboy review sites.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s a wide range- I think only ABC Brisbane or somewhere is negative. The likes of Variety are Fresh.

      • Droid says :

        Splice = 75% Fresh

        As I said, it’s not bad. But ‘fresh’ is a crappy rating system, as the above example proves.

      • Jarv says :

        That still makes my brain hurt that that shitheap got that high. But we were also guilty of overrating it.

        Still, at least we went below half marks.

        When’s your Thor Review going up?

      • Jarv says :

        This is precisely the point about RT-

        This is from the Guardian, and is a Fresh review:

        “I’d hesitate to call this a good film, exactly. It’s overlong and all over the place. The sets are tacky and the script is in spasms. Some of the supporting players (most notably a stricken Stellan Skarsgård) appear poignantly all at sea. But there’s something weirdly charming about it just the same. Branagh has knocked his film together with a terrific, freewheeling gusto. It has its tongue in its cheek and the fun is infectious. For all of its flaws, Thor’s never a bore.”

      • Droid says :

        ’tis true. It’s still baffling that I gave it 1 1/2.

        If I get the chance to write it today it’ll go up tonight. If not, tomorrow morning.

      • Droid says :

        Skarsgard was fine. He just wasn’t given much to do.

        But yes, thats exactly the point I was making about RT.

      • Jarv says :

        ’tis true. It’s still baffling that I gave it 1 1/2.

        You were on a very weird streak that summer- you also gave Iron Man 2 1.5 (I’d give it half).

      • Droid says :

        The problem I had is that I went home and immediately reviewed them. And by doing that I didn’t really give myself time to think the film over rationally. And I was being generous. But once I had time to think about it, I realised that being ridiculously over generous.

      • Droid says :

        Now I give myself a bit of time to think over the movie. And my rating goes up or down accordingly. It happened to Source Code and it’s also happened to Fast Five and Scream 4. One’s gone up and the others gone down. Thors stayed the same though.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s fair enough.

        In other news, Lovefilm on the PS3 is broken because the whole PS3 network is broken. This should improve the quality of film I watch immeasurably.

      • koutchboom says :

        Just tell me its better/watchable than IM2.

      • Jarv says :

        IM2 was a bad film, but it wasn’t the worst of last year. I think it’s better than Splice, for example. Certainly better than that 2033 garbage.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah but nothing good was expected from those films. Also those films didn’t cost $200 million to make. I mean who gives a shit if some nothing lo budget film sucked, pretty much to be expected. Just awful how useless Marvel was with IM, also given all the hoopla about Marvel taking more creative control with their films, I’d rather they hadn’t they haven’t shown a reason to be producing their own movies. ALSO going on recent trends sequels usually tend to be better then the first films since first films now a days are just set ups to possible franchises, and IM1 had a pretty solid set up only to be let down but such a boring stock idea of a sequel.

      • Droid says :

        That’s a shame.

      • Jarv says :

        It means I can’t do the long awaited In the Name of the King review. Which I’m mildly scared of now because of how bad the other Boll films are. I must have overrated it for some reason.

      • Droid says :

        IM2 is the worst film of last year because it was an insultingly lazy, uninspired and boring cashgrab.

        At least Splice was going for something. It failed miserably, but it tried. That makes it automatically better than IM2.

        And I haven’t seen 2033, so that obviously can’t come into consideration.

      • Jarv says :

        Maybe Splice is souring more in my memory, but I honestly was more bored during it than Iron Man 2. I also consider Splice to be a bigger disappointment, as I had absurdly high hopes for it.

      • koutchboom says :

        Well you had yet to realize the sweat stain that is Don Murphy before seeing it….now in hindsight you should’ve known better.

      • Jarv says :

        I never really considered what his “influence” on films actually did to them. I know better now.

      • koutchboom says :

        I think with Splice its more sad than bad about it, because of the director behind it your rooting for him but then he gives you that and your like…awwwww thats sad poor guy, stay in Canada.

      • Droid says :

        Aside from the fact that we like the director, it’s that it’s quite easy to see that there is a good movie to be made out of the subject. The fact that With Splice had the potential to be good, and turned out to be dreadful, is both annoying and disappointing.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s the thing- interesting subject+ director we like turned into an absolute shitefest in Murphy’s sweaty mitts.

        What a fucking let down. That was one of my “banker” films of last year as well.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah but also Jarv… Adrien Brody, Sarah Polley come on, sure they are fine but no one ever says “WHOLLY SHIT Adrien Brody has a new movie coming out!” any more. And also again Splice (still haven’t seen it) just seems more of a botched mess. Iron Man seems so like such a rush cash grab and a fuck you to any fans, aiming for the lowest Wal Mart friendly kind of movie, also with both leads seemingly so bored with the movie they are in as well. I mean RDJ becoming uninteresting was bound to happen, just didn’t think it would happen THAT FAST.

      • Jarv says :

        Koutch- Splice is a disaster of a film. It’s terribly written and acted, stupid, boring, and embarrassing on more than one occasion. IM2, while shit, and believe me I’m not defending it, was marginally less dull than Splice.

        FWIW- I do agree with you about the LCD nature of IM2- and Favreau was in it far too much. It’s an Iron Man film that Iron Man is a minor character in- not to mention that he was a complete cunt when on screen, and the daddy issues stuff defied boredom.

      • Jarv says :

        Honourable exception to Chaneac (who I’d like to see in other things) who made the absolute best of an appalling part as Dren.

      • koutchboom says :

        See I didn’t even find IM2 that dull, it was just so fucking derivative of everything else you’ve ever seen, it was more lame than anything. At least with the transformer films they are just a fucking mess. IM2 seemed like the whole idea was created in couple of minutes without coke (TF2 at least seemed fueled by coke). I mean its really comes down to what is the worser of two evils. IM2 was able to still be a hit, it didn’t take some massive drop in profits from 1 soooo all that can lead itself to is MORE of the same from Marvel. If it aint broke why fix it. Sort of like Fox with X-Men, if they can turn a profit by forcing X-Men 3 into creation why can’t it be done again with X-Men first class.

        SOOO Marvel may see that they don’t really need to work on scripts and idea’s and just go for the blandest possible sequel’s/movies possible in order to make beaucoup dollars. And thats far worse in my book because that just means more and more boring/plodding super expensive comic book movies. Splice is sort of a one off nothing film, if it was some mild hit there may have been a slew of DTV sequels, but it was never going to be a hit.

      • Jarv says :

        Nope- it bored me for the most part. I’m struggling to remember it as well.

        Also, for some fucking reason I said Brody was really good in Splice. What the fuck was I thinking of? He’s not- he’s just really good compared to Polley (who is agonisingly bad).

        I get what you’re saying about IM2 being more evil than Splice in the long run, and there’s some truth to that, but honestly, just on a film v film comparison, Splice narrowly shades it in the more shit stakes.

      • koutchboom says :

        I’ll have to see Splice, its been on the netflix queue for ages I always skip over it.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s not worth watching. Seriously.

        Crap film.

      • Droid says :

        If I had had had HAD to choose to watch either movie again, I’d watch Splice.

      • Jarv says :

        Aside from the obvious comment that I wouldn’t want to watch either, assuming that the same amount of time had passed for both, then I’d see IM2, as I can barely remember it, whereas I can still remember the key bits of Splice- which I hated.

      • Droid says :

        It’s all yours.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuck man, why do we spend so much time arguing over which film is worse out of two utter shitfests?

        Fuck it, I don’t think I’ll ever be seeing either again.

  21. Droid says :

    David Brent’s not really a cunt. He a weasel and a pathetic douchenozzle, but not a cunt. If you think about it, he never actually does anything that underhanded. No one really gets hurt by any of his actions in any way that’s worse than severe annoyance. A cunt would lie to your face then stab you in the back. Brent doesn’t do that. He tries too hard to be liked. A cunt doesn’t try to be liked, he just assumes he is. Or he doesn’t care.

    I actually found Neil Godwin, the Swindon branch manager, to be more of a cunt than Brent. He’s more reminiscent of bosses I had/have that put on a show of being everyones mate but you can tell he’d stab you in the back as soon as look at you.

    • Jarv says :

      There’s no doubt that Brent does severely cuntish things on occasion, and it all stems from trying to hard.

      Although I do also go with “pathetic wanker” as being more apt than “Try Hard Cunt”.

  22. Dustin says :

    Arnold Rimmer?

  23. Anonymous says :

    You are a cunt for not talking about all FEMALE cunts.

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