Jarv’s Top 10 TV cunts
I’m just back from Spain, and because it was an absolutely hideous week I’m in what could be called an evil fucking temper. Therefore, as an act of pure therapy, I’ve been thinking about Television, and which characters are arguably the biggest cunts ever to grace the small screen. There is a proviso with this one- I don’t watch either soap operas or Reality TV, so I’m sure there are lots that I’ve missed (Cowell), and I have only included characters where I have witnessed the cuntishness on screen myself- hence no Lithgow from Season 3 Dexter. Furthermore, while Brent is no doubt a complete and utter cunt (of a type that I particularly loathe) I haven’t included him as there’s nothing more really to say as he’s made practically every other one of these lists out there.
So with no further ado, here are 10 of the most detestable bastards ever filmed for television.
10. Eric Cartman (South Park)
Cartman really is a dirty little bastard. From the morbid obesity, to the shitty attitude, pathetic craving for $10m and complete and utter cuntishness, Cartman is really the embodiment of the loathsome spoiled brat. However, even were the rest of this not true, he’d still make the list for his frequent abuses of “Authoritah” and repeated sulky “Screw you guys, I’m going home.”
So, Eric you fatass, Screw you, you make the top 10.
9. General Melchett (Blackadder Goes Forth)
Apologies in advance, but this list features several characters from British Comedy. However, I hold a particular loathing for Melchett as played by Stephen Fry. It’s something to do with the sheer incompetence of the man, that is a perfect embodiment of the continued cretinism displayed by WWI generals that led to the slaughter of a whole generation. Melchett is a vain, moronic, stubborn, selfish cunt that is vastly out of touch with reality. Furthermore, the bastard has no sense of empathy, and worse than that shows no guilt whatsoever at his idiocy leading to the slaughter of his troops.
You, Melchett, Sir, are a cunt- and in reality would probably have been in line for a fucking Knighthood for services to the genocide of your own troops once the war finished. This last point, actually, is what really makes me sick of Melchett and his type.
8. Leland Palmer (Twin Peaks)
This is a bit harsh, really, considering that he has been possessed by a demon and whatnot. However, nevertheless, Palmer is still a dirty incestuous kiddy fiddling fucker, that furthermore is a greedy corporate whore with myriad personality issues. It’s a truly memorable turn from Ray Wise (who I really like, and was the only thing worth watching in Reaper), but nevertheless, what a cunt.
For evidence, check out the creepy dinner scene with Laura as the fucker lays down the law in Fire Walk With Me. What a cunt.
7. The Streets (Prime Suspect)
Really, I could have picked any of the Prime Suspect villains for this, considering that they consist of scumbags, rapists and other deviant types. However, The Streets is a particularly nasty specimen.
Hailing from that shithole Manchester, The Streets is a local chav drug lord magnificently played by Steven Mackintosh. His many acts of cuntishness include feeding people who have angered him to his dogs, forcing a young man to shoot his girlfriend’s brother and many other serious criminal dealings. However, what gets him on the list is that the cunt will insist on referring to himself in the third person. Seriously, anyone that does this is automatically a complete and utter cunt of the highest order, and that he couples it with some serious mendacity (“The Streets takes care of his boys”) means that he jumps up this list.
6. Nathan (Misfits)
What a cunt. Seriously, you know that a character is a complete and utter wanker when periodically all the other characters in the series refer to him, to his face, as a cock. Nathan is a promiscuous, abusive, smart-mouthed, dirty little chav bastard that’s most unjustly blessed with immortality.
And what does the little asspickle do with this? Fucking sells it for less than £5,000. What a cunt.
Also, although Robert Sheehan does play him brilliantly, I also partly hold him to blame for the decline of Misfits over the second series, particularly the execrable Christmas Special, which still pisses me off thinking about it.
5. Ruby (Supernatural)
Ruby Ruby RUBY.
Fuck the Kaiser Chiefs. Sorry about that. Anyhoo, where to start with this one, aside from the fact that Genevieve Cortese is smoking hot, and although your soul would probably be damned to perpetual damnation it would probably be worth it, Ruby is actually the demon who is wearing a coma girl as a meat suit. Which is prime cuntishness in the first place. Secondly, Ruby is entirely responsible for the emergence of Lucifer having played Sam like a fucking harp and conned him over the course of 24 episodes.
What pisses me off about this, however, is that even knowing the above, I still wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crisps.
God damn it.
4.Francis Urquhart (House of Cards, To Play the King, The Final Cut)
One thing that British TV throws up regularly is utter cunt politicians. Honestly, while America has the upstanding Martin Sheen in the West Wing, we’ve got complete and utter shitbag Ian Richardson in House of Cards.
Francis Urquhart is one of the more memorable villains produced in a truly outstanding piece of British Television. Named because of his initials, Urquhart starts out as Chief Whip (a job that only a complete and utter cunt could do) before sliming his way up to becoming Prime Minister. In the meantime, the dirty bastard employs blackmail, murder, sexual indiscretions and other odious tricks.
Richardson, to be honest, has never been better than he was here (even in Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy) and it’s his revoltingly smug asides to the audience that elevate Urquhart above the usual brand of cunt that populates television.
In the end, assassination is too good for the bastard.
3. T-Bag (Prison Break)
Robert Knepper is simply superb as T-Bag. However, T-Bag himself is one of the most unrepentantly loathsome characters ever to grace the small screen. He’s a murderous kiddy-fiddling cunt, and really do I need to say any more than that?
2. Samantha (Sex and the City)
There was no way I was going to let these harpies off this list. This, actually, could have been any of the four main characters, however, as a symbol of everything that is odious and evil about the extended torture session that is Sex and the City, this prize cunt takes some beating.
She’s shallow, superficial, arrogant, materialistic, obnoxious and otherwise revolting. However, even taking all that into account, what elevates her this high is that, apparently, she’s some kind of role model.
What? Why? How is it remotely desirable for young women to aspire to be an octogenerian cum bucket with the redeeming features of a sewage works. Actually, I take that back, shit goes into a sewage work to get purified, whereas all this cunt does is spread shit all over the world.
She’s so vile that she almost makes me forget that Kim Cattrell has been in a shit load of films that I actually like (and in a few cases love).
Just fuck off you vacuous shoe-obsessed cow.
1. Alan B’Stard (The New Statesman)
Rik Mayall’s unforgettable Alan B’Stard is in, my opinion, the biggest cunt ever to grace the TV. He’s also the second UK Politician to grace this list, and both of them are Tories.
The New Statesman was a fucking brilliant series. A scabrous satire of Thatcherism and the Tory party in General, and B’Stard was the embodiment of everything that was wrong with the philosophy. He’s a greedy, thieving, cynical cunt. He’s also married to a borderline hooker (superb performance from Marsha Fitzalan) and suffers from both premature ejaculation and has a tiny cock. B’Stard spends his days plotting the continued domination of the Conservative Party, bullying fellow MP Piers Fletcher-Dervish, and being involved in other acts of petty fraud/ theft. He’s utterly amoral, and completely hypocritical, being only interested in his own venal desires (which include underage sex, pornography, selling arms to Pinochet, incest, murder, and other acts of cuntishness). No cause is too debauched, and no bribe to small for B’Stard, who manages to not only live up to his name but top it- but I suppose calling him Sir Alan C’unt would have lacked subtlety.
If anyone doubts that this dirty cunt deserves to top the list, then check out the clip below- the complete and utter cunt is chopping the fucking heads of charity boxes to steal the fucking coppers out of them. There is no doubt in my mind that B’Stard is not only a fantastic comic creation, but the perfect embodiment of everything that is wrong with UK Politics and a complete and utter cunt.
Interestingly, B’Stard not only ran a few series on TV, but his creators penned an article by him for the Sunday Telegraph (I think) where the cunt had defected to Labour, and Mayall toured the character with reasonable success.
Sir Alan B’Stard: Prize cunt of stage, print and screen, and well overdue rehabilitation.
That’s me done with this list, but as promised, below is the clip for the opening of “Keeping Mum” (who, incidentally, he has murdered)- what a cunt. As soon as I think of another top 10 topic I’ll be back with these.