Video Game Adaptations- Bloodrayne 2: Deliverance

A few years ago, when I was young(er), more naive and more forgiving, I genuinely thought that Uwe Boll (the fucking turd) got the rough end of the stick. I admit that I was comparing him to that massive, massive douchebag P.W.S.Anderson and his Resident Evil atrocities, but my reasoning was how much worse can Dr. Boll actually be? Not to mention that I always sneakily admired him for beating the snot out of “critics” such as MiraJeff of AICN fame. I really had absolutely no idea how lamentable his films are, how utterly devoid of fun, talent, and how much he sucks the life out of his subject matter and first rate casts leaving a hollow, soulless life-destroying waste of screen time. However, I’ve now seen 3 of his “efforts” and every one of them has so far scored an Orangutan of Doom. 3 out of 3 for fuck’s sake. Surely you have to try to be that hopeless.

I thought the first Bloodrayne (the day the tampons ran out) was a foetid abortion of a film. However, even given that, I have to say I was completely unprepared for how heinously awful this sequel would be. This time around, Rayne (Natassia Malthe) is (for reasons that nobody ever bothers explaining) hunting vampires in the town of Deliverance in the Old West. Deliverance is due to become a major rail interchange, and Billy the Vampire Kid (Zack Ward) is building himself an army of vampires that he’s going to send down “the steel arteries” of America to rule the world.

Mwahahahahahahahaha!

Or not.

Rayne sees another hunter hanged, then puts together a posse of Pat Garret (A completely unrecognisable Michael Paré), A preacher (Michael Eklund) and another guy called “Slime Bag” (Michael Teigen). Because a superpowered Dhampir is incapable of dealing with a dozen or so cowboy vampires. Cue showdown, everybody dying apart from Rayne and much tedium for all involved.

Billy the (S)Kid (Mark)

In a way, this is actually more insulting than the first one, which while garbage, at least didn’t rip off other seminal films. I wish Boll wouldn’t do this, because he hasn’t the slightest idea what the fuck he’s doing, or why it’s cool. In this instance, the big showdown is lifted straight from The Wild Bunch, except the useless German cunt in the directing seat is to Peckinpah as I am to Evelyn Waugh. However, I bet that if Waugh were confronted with some of the Boll movements that I’ve sat through, I bet even he would crack and throw the word cunt around. Satire be damned, there’s only so much utter cuntishness and tedium that one man can take, and I’m at saturation point with this shit.

Let me start with the acting. I’ve now come to the conclusion that the part of Rayne is impossible to play on screen. Malthe is the second actress to don the midriff revealing leathers, and she’s about on a par with Lokken, except Boll doesn’t go out of his way to humiliate her in a terrible sex scene. Oh, and Lokken gets her funbags out. Basically, the problem is that Rayne is a fundamentally dull characters. She should be seven shades of slaying kickassness (think Buffy with cool swords and gratuitous nudity, and less of the California faux-angst) but in Boll’s sweaty sausage stained clutches she’s less interesting than Frankfurt. Up against such a boring character, there’s nothing that either actress can do, and in this case, it’s even worse because she barely uses her trademark swords, keeps her top on, and I’m struggling to remember her popping her fangs. Ward, on the other hand, brags that he’s better than Ben Kingsley, and he’s right. However, that in no way makes this a good performance. Paré is in the Madsen “couldn’t give a fuck” role, and the only bright spark is Eklund (who has the best scene in the film, by a mile) as the sleazy con-artist Preacher. Actually, if the whole film were about Eklund’s character, then it may have been watchable. It isn’t, so don’t even think it.

Even Malthe was bored into unconsciousness by this

I’ve been quite temperate so far about this review, because there’s really no point me, again, saying “Writing: witless and shit, acting: shit, effects: shit” and so forth. These are all a given for a Boll movie. However, here’s where the abuse starts. The reason that useless cunt Boll is the worst director working today is this: he insists on shooting action scenes but doesn’t have a clue how to make them interesting even when the template has already been done by someone else. This is now the third Boll film I’ve seen and each one has a different style, and every time the style is inept, slipshod and frankly boring. The big fail in this film is the showdown between Rayne’s posse and the vampire cowboys. Rayne goes off somewhere after Billy, while Garret sits there rotating a primitive Gatling Gun. Essentially leaving the actual fighting to the Preacher and the Slime Bag. And what is Rayne off doing, I hear you ask? Holding a rope up so the children don’t die. Fuck. Off. Rayne needed to be out on main street involved in the asskicking- not holding a fucking rope talking the most hackneyed shite with Billy the Turd. Furthermore, what’s happening with The Preacher checking out is by far and away the most entertaining thing in the film (he really goes out well) and it’s intensely aggravating to cut back to fucking Rayne holding the rope up for the millionth time. Dull, incompetent shite, and the writers need to take as much blame as Boll, although his habit of taking first draft scripts as final suggests that it should be his fault.

I don't care how big your posse is, this Kia Ora is for me and my dog

Secondly, there’s a scene early on with Billy the Douche feeding of a little girl. This is one of the most icky scenes put to film, and it’s completely unintentional. I am sure that this was meant to scare us, and show what a ruthless bastard Billy the Cock was, but in reality it actually leaves you feeling grimy, like you’ve seen one of Gary Glitter’s  home videos; or attended a Michael Jackson gig before he died. Or bought that “This is Cash In” DVD after the late unlamented kiddy-fiddler overdid it on the chemical Jesus Juice. I almost stopped the film at this point, and I did attempt to lobotomise myself afterwards with a lead pipe, but the damned scene is still scoured into my very soul. It’s fucking horrible and feels paedophilic which is 100% out of place in a silly film about Vampire Cowboys. Fuck knows what they were thinking of here, but to say it’s unpleasant is to do a massive insult to all the unpleasant things out there. It’s horrible.

Sigh, Come on Love, you're better than this shite.

Overall, fuck this film, and fuck you Boll. This is utter shite and disgusting, insulting shite at that. There’s fuck all gore, bugger all nudity, and literally NOTHING in it to hold your interest. I honestly thought that nothing could be worse than the first film, but somehow the cunt managed to find a way- and what’s astonishing about that is that he did it so effortlessly. Most people have to try hard to be as shit as he manages.

So, with no further ado, I unveil my new 0 Chang rating for Video Game Adaptations- This film is so bad, that it can only be rated with the face of pure evil. I give Bloodrayne 2 my very first TERRIBOLL, because that’s what it is: Fucking terrible. I don’t recommend this on any level- it’s dogshit on a disc.

And I did this whole review without mentioning fat reporter cunt.

Until next time,

Jarv